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Nynnja
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I feel confused today. I’m mad at you and myself when I think about Christmas, but I still come to your defense, even after hearing the things you say about me. I was fine yesterday until I got home. Something about being at the house just makes me miss you. I feel like it has become a toxic environment for me now. What really confuses me is my sudden desire to have you as friends with benefits again. I start to think that it can just be that, I should call you, meet you this weekend, but then I come to my sense and realize that I miss the cuddles and companionship as well. I miss all of you, even when you are bad for me. I realize that I can not just be a friend to you, not now at least. My emotions are too raw and I do really love you.

 

Since I’ve told everyone that we are no longer talking, guys are coming out of the wood works. It frustrates me and I think it may be adding to my confusion. All of a sudden my male friends want to be my shoulder to lean on. “Text me if you start feeling down” they say. The problem is the familiarity, they remind me of you and in my state of desire and my need to be wanted and loved I am suddenly finding myself attracted to them. I know it’s not right, they would just be a rebound for me and that’s not fair to any of them. This is not helping me. They just make me think of you and I feel like I’m taking steps back in the wrong direction.

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I. Hate. You. Where do I start? Well first there's the fact I post here so often that it's obvious I still have the burning urge to contact you and give you a piece of my mind. You threw me away when I loved you. It just doesn't make sense. I loved you, you loved me. In your selfishness all you did was hurt me. Twice. I'm in disarray over you. Completely ruined inside. I'm mending my borken hear piece by piece but it's a looooooooooong process when I had poured every piece of it into you and our relationship. I was gonna make us work and you ruined it.

 

You broke up with me and were so callous about it afterwards. I remember that tweet you said 3 months ago almost right after our breakup "Retail therapy on myself! Feels good." Yeah, must be nice to be selfish and think of yourself once and a while right? ...Oh that's right. You were nothing BUT selfish. You cheated on me physically and then cheated on me again emotionally after I had already taken you back even after you had stuck your tongue down that guy's throat. You don't deserve my love. Not one whit of it.

 

I was going to move accross the friggin PLANET for you. I was going to leave it all behind for you. One person. And you turned out to be the coldest evilest person I've ever met. Just where do you get off? I hate you for this. I dedicated my life to you. I would have took a bullet for you. I would have done ANYTHING for you. I want you out of my life. OUT. Go. Stop contacting me. Stop trying to be "friends" with me. I will NEVER be friends with you. You are evil. You are the most disgusting vile human being I have ever come accross. You never used to be. You changed somehow and I don't know why and I don't even care anymore. I've already come to terms with the fact I will never understand you.

 

Who could hope to understand you? Someone who shattered the heart twice of someone who loved you deeply. Someone who'd rather go to clubs and hook up meaninglessly with strangers just because they couldn't wait a couple years for that person who truly loved them? I see your true colours. What a front you put on. You had everyone fooled. You still do have everyone fooled, except one. They're all still eating our of your hand. I don't know how or why. You might be pretty but I see now it's just some very poor compensation for the complete HAG that's inside. Inside, you are evil, twisted and awful. Well, enjoy having everyone else around your little finger. You lost me. I can't wait to find that person who truly deserves my love. When I find her, ohhhhh boy. I'm gonna realise what a waste of time you were.

 

I hate you.

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you used to talk about the honeymoon period. for me, the honeymoon period was the entire rest of our lives, that's why i was hashing out the hard stuff upfront.

 

you said you tried but you hadn't failed in trying...you had won. when i came back, you had to give me just one chance. but you left me for someone else. my parents had come in feb and wanted to meet you, i was going to propose in 2-3 weeks, and i would never ever have been unsupportive (whether I agreed or not with whatever you did) in whatever choices you made. never ever again. i had worked that through my system.

 

after, i still tried and tried and tried because i loved you. nothing starts out unconditional but my love for you had become unconditional for me. i wasn't able to say sorry for saying the things i did (you asked me in a cab once, whether i had something to say and i should have said it then but didn't). but i did say sorry so many times after. i gave up an entire years of work for you, i had no ability to concentrate on anything after you left, and you know how much i had wanted my project(s) to succeed.

 

ive said all this a million times already and im sure everyone, including you, is sick of hearing it. you made your choice, you are happy. i guess that's about it.

 

as the same time, you should know, that no one has ever hurt me as much as you did. for walking away and not giving me a chance when you must have *known* i had fully accepted.

 

i wanted to make you happy. i still can't bring myself to delete our pictures together but hopefully one day, i will have the strength to do that as well.

 

lastly, this post may sound a bit whiny. im not a weak person (at least I hope not, not one really wants to be) but i am a very emotional person. i had lived alone, by myself, since I was 17, seeing my parents maybe a few weeks every year after that. i know a lot of people aren't even than lucky but still, i got old enough, that i just wanted someone to coddle me a few times. people have different fears, i am terrified of heights so the ferris wheel and the roller coaster, that was something i went on to not appear "weak" around you (and also mistakenly thinking that it would be fun in the case of the ferris wheel). because i thought if i showed a fear of heights, that would be unmanly somehow and you might leave me. that plan backfired because it was just embarrasing for me during and after anyway. and the time i cut my foot on the r..beth beach pier, i just wanted you to coddle me.if you had, i would have brushed it off as nothing but since you didn't, i made a bigger deal of it that i should have. but i don't make a big deal of things or worry my family generally, i never even told my parents for months after my left elbow shattered, or i broke or hurt myself in many ways over the years. anyway, i wanted to clear the air, because it is therapeutic for me.

Edited by jaded123
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I tossed the keychain you bought me from New York last year. It felt silly, to carry a reminder of you everywhere. It was one of the few physical ties I have to you. I'm thankful, in a way, that you weren't good at gift giving. Less reminders.

 

Pandora just played a song that took me back to when we first started really dating. That was 2 years ago. It feels like a completely different world.

 

It was winter break, right before you graduated college and moved far away. Postal Service album played on repeat because it was the only CD in your tiny pink car. We trekked through a foot of snow to a 24-hour gas station near campus for condoms. We stayed up all night playing xbox and spooning.

It was bitterly cold that winter, but I didn't feel it. We were high on eachother.

I fell so hard for you.

 

I hope that you aren't the last person I will fall for like that. I remember it so vividly when I hear that song. I had to thumbs down it on pandora because, damnit, I'm going to get over you. I have to. I have to delete so many songs I love because when I hear them, I hear you singing along and drumming on your steering wheel and laughing with me.

 

I looked at your twitter today and saw you've been talking to a girl you must have met on your trip this weekend. She's pretty and you have inside jokes and I want to puke. I'm mad at myself for looking. If that rapport progresses, I'm going to wonder why you couldn't do the LDR with me, yet could do it with this chick from Chicago.

 

It's gonna be ok. Eventually. Thank god my phone is broken right now.

Edited by beaton
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Thank you for all the memories that we created together. You were my first and you will hold a special place in my heart always. Things didnt work out the way we had planned but unfortunately that it the way it goes sometimes. The night you walked away from me was the worst night of my life, I have never felt so much pain. I know you wanted to work things out, but the fact is I can not trust you because of all the lies you have told me. I deserve someone who is going to tell me the truth.

 

I wish you all the best in life. I hope that in time you find someone who can truly make you happy.

 

Goodbye

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OK, I got my letter. I went NC this morning but accepted the conversation you started via text. Dang flirty, it was, and sexual, and so here is the funny thing. By your admission in writing and in voice over the last two days and by post: you love me, you fell in love with me, you think i am amazing, you want to have sex with me, you just today scoured my FB page trying to figure who my new semi quasi bf is, you think of me when masturbating... but you are dating someone else?

 

I have been very even handed with you.

 

But really dude I am so glad I am not ann. Or you, actually.

 

And, you just emailed me.... okay here I go.

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Oh, okay, its a classic one liner "you so very often humble me. thats a good thing." While you are at Anns!

 

Truth? You turn me on, it is clear to me now that I am not telling said quasi bf the whole truth; you make me feel a way he never has. But, such as it is, who cares. I need to dump the bf. Damn it I really didnt think I needed to. Argh. Too much drama.

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I know you're treating me bad. I know I deserve better. But I miss you so much. I miss the way you used to look at me. I miss smelling you. I miss us laying in bed for hours talking about everything. I miss playing video games with you, and going to get breakfast at 4AM.

 

I let you have my whole heart. I never held anything back from you. I did things with you that I've never done with anyone else. I trusted you.

 

It hurts so badly. I'm mad at you, but I would do anything to have you back. Why do you not want me? Why? Why wasn't I good enough for you?

 

Please come back to me. Please love me again.

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I just broke up with him and now you decided to get in the picture.

All of the sudden. Since years of no contact.

Hmmm. It's nothing,right. I shouldn't get hope from this at all.

I bet you are just saying hi, nothing more.

But why am I so happy to get this little bit of attention from you all of the sudden?

I still have a weak spot for you. But since my pride is pretty strong I'll just pretend it doesn't really do anything to me.

My feelings really got no logic when it comes to you, at all.

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It's like they just smell it. I had the resolution to stay single for a while and then out of the blue 3 exes are contacting me, and messing with my head.

It's ok to contact me but for gds sake don't be so vague about it. Saying hi and then just don't reply at all. Stupid games. Stupid men. I somehow just can't stand it. What do you guys want from me? Just to be in the picture and then disapear again? That's not fair! You should have left me alone in the first place if you've got nothing to offer other than some drunk texting. Now I'm thinking about you again.. I'm even thinking... what if you are reading this forum? Then you can know you still got that power over me that it only takes 1 single text to mess with my head. To make me wonder again about you. And why were you nagging to a friend about wanting to contact me again? I said to him that you didn't matter to me that much anymore. Was that your cue to change that again? *sigh* In my opinion you only have the right to contact me if you've got a friendship to offer or if you want to make a chance again. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe you are going to reply. But it shouldn't matter to me. You shouldn't matter that much to me anymore. You should just leave me be. Because all it takes is just a "hi" and here I am.. having a battle with my feelings and thoughts. After all these years. I'm a fool for that. But I can't help myself. I can't help but fantasize. Playing unrealistic videos in my head. Please just get out of my mind. Mind can you please block this mister. Can you please focus on me for once instead of some dude that fcks things up.

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I'm checking my phone a million times like some desperate lonely soul. Dawrr! Plus some awful boyband song is stuck in my head repeating "quit plaing games with my heart". That's actually the most awfull thing. Backstreat Boys, mind, really?! You know what. I'm going to assume.. you are just a silly boy, not having a clue what you want. Well get in line then. You've got some competition on that subject.

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I'm going through a mixture of emotions because of you. I love you, but I don't want to be your pawn. I want you to care. You commented on an old picture on Facebook that I had commented on. I found it weird when my phone suddenly gave me a notification on a conversation that has been dead for over two weeks. Am I reading into this or were you trying to bait me, get my attention and bring me out of hiding? Were you trying to make me cave on NC? I'm pretty determined to keep this going, either until my feelings fade or you finally cave. I'm afraid neither one of those will happen.

 

I really miss you tonight. I'm afraid of what summer will bring this year when I suddenly have nothing to do and no one special to spend it with. I hope something changes. I hope you miss me.

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You are the stuff of my nightmares; each one revealing to me the horror of who and what you are; my days being the dream and my nights the reality.

 

I can't wait until you are over this horrible man, you deserve so much better. You really do. Your heartbreak probably has more to do with unresolved issues in your life anyway so don't give him too much credit for anything.

 

My heart goes out to you!

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It's been a week since I last saw your face and a week since we last text. A week? It's the longest we've ever gone without texting and my thumbs don't need a rest anymore. I miss you being in my life alot, if I'm honest. Not only have I lost the only girl I ever loved but I've also lost my bestfriend and I'm dealing with that. I've let you go and I'm moving on so you can be happy, I want you to be happy even if I'm not the reason. I always said that I can't live without you, but guess what? I am and it's going better than I thought it would but it really isn't easy either. You were a huge part of my life and now I'm cutting that part off me. I'm cutting the part off me and it hurts, there's cuts and wounds that will take time to heal. When I last saw you, I tried to kiss you because I really wanted one and you pulled away which killed me, that's what hurt me the most on that day. I shouldn't have done that, I'm really sorry, it just happened. When I hugged you for the last time, I felt everything then. I realised how much I love you and when I was hugging you I realised how much I didn't want to let you go, right there and then. When we were both sitting down and I asked you for a cuddle, you came towards me and then you backed off which hurt me. It made me feel as if you think I was going to harm you or something, I'm still the same person, I haven't changed. If you backed off because you thought I was going kiss you again, you were wrong, I wouldn't have done it the second time, not whilst you're with someone else. I'm still at college and sometimes when I go past the benches, I sit down and I imagine you sitting there next to me and then I cry because you'll never be next to me again. When I go the toilets, I start crying too. When we went out to the cinemas to watch monsters inc, I didn't know you were in a relationship with someone else and I kissed you and you kissed me back. We made out twice and when I was in a mood you kissed me. You were in a relationship with another person, but you kissed me and that's cheating. When I found out you were both in a relationship, I mean it when I say someone kicked me to ground and all they were doing is punching me in the stomach. You said that you don't love me like you used to but then you said you don't know how to stop loving me. I don't know how happy you are or how happy he makes you, but I hope that you're happy. I'm scared, really scared. Scared that I won't find somebody like you, but why would I want someone like you? Someone who hurt me and caused me a huge amount of pain? I'm scared that I won't find someone who got me like you did, understood me like you did, kissed me like you did. Deep down I know that I'll find better but that doesn't stop me from being scared and it hurts. You've blocked me on Facebook and changed your number which means you don't want nothing to do with me anymore, which I find hard to understand but I'm not wasting my time trying to understand because what's happened, has happened, no thinking will change that. I just want you to know that nobody will love you like I did, nobody. Maybe I'm being stupid in saying that because I don't know who will fall in love with you. But what I do know is that nobody will put up with your crap like I did, nobody will stick around when you treat them the same way you've treated me. Nobody will STILL love you like I do, despite what put them through. No matter what happens and no matter where I end up, I will always love you. I'll love the person you used to be, not who you are now. Not only were you my girlfriend but you were my bestfriend and my other half. But now, you're nothing. I'll never forget you and the happiness you brought into my life and I'll never forget the pain you brought which I thought wasn't possible from a human being, I didn't think someone could hurt me this much. You're long gone and I'm getting used to that. Please don't forget me because I promise that I will never forget you, not in two years or ten years, I'll always remember you. And when you see the moon, don't forget to look at it because I'll be on the other side looking at it too and thinking of you. One last thing, I forgive you and I've let you go, you're free now. Goodbye boo.

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What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? You are ENGAGED to the person you replaced me with and it's been 2.5 freaking years that I have kept NC. You hurt my self-esteem and broke up with me twice. I let you go gracefully BOTH times. I behaved with dignity and respect regardless your lack of respect. I didn't beg, I kept NC, I sought therapy. I am doing the best I can. Surely, I deserve someone nice in my life? How come you get to be with someone new within weeks (if not earlier) and I get to be alone for 2.5 freaking years? I am a much nicer person than you. It just feels so unfair...

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Apparently, you were nagging to my friend about my number well you were drunk(why?) and kept nagging until he finally gave it. Then you texted me. And the next morning you were sorry about that (why?) and haven't replied what so ever. So I had to ask to my friend what game it is you're playing.

My god, you are such a coward!!!

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It's been 2 days since I've heard from you. I know that no contact was my suggestion. But I'm so sad. I want you to ignore the suggestion. I want you to contact me. I want you to show up at my house. I want you to tell me that you made a mistake, and that you love me, and that you want me back. I want you to fight for me. I want you to be mature, and to give me what I need.

 

Throughout our relationship, I was always the one saying I'm sorry. I always put you first. I thought about how you felt about issues, and I tried so hard to always make you feel secure, to make you feel better. I always fought for you. And you were so selfish. You always put your own needs first.

 

And yet, I love you so much. I fell so deeply in love with you. I loved you as a person. I loved your faults. I would give anything to be back with you. I've never loved someone with the intensity that I loved you. I wanted to spend my life with you.

 

I don't know how to move on. I went out last night. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be on the couch snuggling with you. I met a guy. He asked for my number, and I gave it. I kept comparing him to you though. And he doesn't even come close.

 

I don't know how to stop the pain. I feel sad all the time. It's been two months. It's never taken me this long to get over a relationship before. I miss you. I want you so badly.

 

Why are you not contacting me? Do you think of me the way I think of you? Do you miss me? Do you love me? Why wasn't I enough for you?

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