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Im lying her in bed, wondering if youre ever gonna call or e-mail again. You have tried to make some contact but no real efforts.

 

Emailing me out of anger does not count

Emailing when youre drunk doesnt count.

 

If you loved you would either leave me alone or show up on my doorstep in the pooring rain.

 

Both of those scenarios are not going to happen. I know you too well after 3 years. When was the last time you did something for me? When was the last time you were supportive of me instead of *****ing of how it could affect you.

 

Love made me blind to the fact that i loved you for you looks, not for your inside. Becasue your inside was rotten after our first year together. You always convinced me i was wrong and i was the bad guy. Now guess what, this bad guy is leaving to the other side of rthe world to start a new life. While you stay here in mediocracy town, with your bs education and your bs job. Good luck with thay. You couldve had it all but you didnt realize hwat you had.

 

Thank you for making me realize by breaking up twice with me that you are not the one for me. Im off to bigger and better things.

 

And btw, use those looks quickly, cuz i know in 10 years you will look exactly like your mother does right noww. And guess what she is alone so take care, and go f yourself . Mazzellllll

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I dreamed about you last night. I don't remember what the dream was about, but my brain must have done some processing because today I felt...ok.

We had a friendly text conversation the other day and it made me feel better and worse simultaneously.

Valentines day is coming. I saw a card that you would have loved. I wonder if you'll think of me. I wonder if you'll think of someone else.

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I miss your tuck-ins O if you are tucking "her" in now with our angel symbol we shared????

I so wanted to text you last night but I didn't. I have met someone but in reality he isn't you and not sure I will ever feel that connection with anyone again.

I want to say good morning... I miss Maverick saying good morning too....it will always be you

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I realised one of the danger signs that you were giving up just now. Although all it's done is only annoy me.

 

When you started using up your saved holidays that you said you would keep for me for when I visited. What did you choose to do instead though? Use them to spend time with your friends...who you see nearly every day. Forget about the boyfriend you only saw once a year huh. Forget about saving the time for the few precious days we got together.

Yeah I'm sure your friends miss you so much, even when you had those 12 out of 365 days here with me they constantly messaged you saying how they "miss you" and how they were so "jealous of ALL the time you're spending with me" Seriously? They need to wake up. I'd like to see how they handled the year I was putting up without you.

 

To be honest, the longer I spend without you, the more I'm seeing wrong with you. A lot of the things I can look at without having to make excuses for you anymore and I realise you weren't all that great. The things I remember DO make me upset and angry but, at the same time, it helps me let go easier too. Being without you isn't all that hard anymore. This is the easiest this "distance" has been.

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You are stupid. I loved you, and maybe we were just " too different ", but the one you have now is "too sorry". You are on the verge of financial collapse, and what is she doing to help? Nothing. Won't even work, and even if she does, she won't pay any of the bills. At least with me, you had a worker. I imagine when you go belly up, she ll be gone. Should have picked better my friend. I miss you as a friend but won't beg anyone to be my friend, including you.

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If I told anyone that I was over you, I would be lying.

 

If I said I didn't think about you every day, that would be a lie too.

 

Even though I am becoming more aware of how wrong things were with "us" and how you may have some bigger issues than I could even imagine, I still think of you and miss you and I am definitely not over you.

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I remember you would often say while we were fighting that a relationship shouldn't have to be this hard. I was always puzzled when you said that. Because, yes, we had our incompatibilities and our disagreements, but I never thought of it as being "this hard." It was what I expected a long-term, romantic relationship between two people would be like. I never thought it would be easy. I just knew that I loved you, and I never wanted to be without you, and we could get through whatever problems came up. I never thought we would be endlessly happy, so I wasn't surprised when we had spells of frustration and unhappiness. I never had unrealistic expectations of what a relationship meant. All I cared about was you - and how much I loved you - and us staying together.

 

It's weird, really, when I look back at our arguments because there really weren't that many. It's just that we were both so stubborn that we often blew the arguments we did have out of proportion.

 

You also always said that we had so little in common, but I really believe we had so much in common. We didn't share a lot of hobbies, but we shared basic values. We had pretty much the same opinions on religion and politics and marriage and kids and money management, and all the other things that so many couples disagree on.

 

I wonder now if you're with someone new - and I wonder if she has those things in common with you that I didn't - I wonder if that means that your relationship will be perfect and work out and you'll get married and live happily ever after.

 

I suspect none of that will happen, and my reasoning is simple... because you will still be lacking the one thing you lacked with me: the acceptance that things don't have to be perfect, that they don't have to play out like the vision you've had in your mind since you were a child.

 

The one thing that ultimately ended us was this difference: I loved you with all of my heart and wanted to make us work no matter what. To me, a life without you wasn't an option. Staying together was my priority.

 

But your priority was the "dream come true" illusions you held in your mind. You were on an endless quest to fulfill that perfect fantasy, and you were blind to the fact that the best thing in life someone can have... is another person's unconditional love.

 

Nothing has changed for me in that respect. I still love you unconditionally, even after a year of not hearing a word from you. I still have a hard time imagining a life without you, even as I'm in the process of living it.

 

And, sadly, I suspect things haven't changed for you either. I suspect you're still searching for that perfect fantasy, and I suspect you're still finding yourself disappointed.

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nice whatsapp status message.. your love be frozen in time? what are you trying to tell me? or is it for some other guy? i dont think so.

 

if you really having such a hard time with this BU ... CALL ME i wont bite.

 

i didnt respond to your last email because obv you were drunk and i dont encourage that behavior. if you want a real talk, call me when your sober. im not in NC, but hell i aint the one who is gonna contact you first.

 

you broke up iwth me .. TWICE. Remember i do!

 

you have never made a guy cry so much and it seemed like you were so calm and cool about it . damn girl where the love at

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You know, I figured something out today. I seem to be building a relationship with a new man who is so much like you. He is a drummer who now works as an engineer and project manager, he plays chess, he lifts weights, he has tattoos, he suffered abuse as a child, he left home and left his family. He is physical, sexual, and proud of his natural gifts. I don't know know and don't want to draw similarities to your intimate selves. Of course you are different. Well, lets see, he is honest, emotionally available, and puts my kids first. He actually is in love with me. He is not trying to play me. He doesn't go dark. I know who his ex is and I know that he talks with her. He knows I don't want a bf. He is cool with that because he respects my boundaries. He will be friends.

 

And if you had just been honest about wanting two women I would have been one of them.

 

Thank goodness you lie.

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I don't know what happened to our love. After all these years I could never understand how you could love me one day and reject everything about me the next. How you could email me crying and then just as quickly turn all your vows of love to hate, anger, and then indifference. I have accepted that we are over. And for a long time, I have wanted you to go in peace. I'm going to heal on my own terms, and the fact that I am hurting only shows how capable I am of love... I'm not going to listen to any of "our" old songs that make me cry. I'm not going to google your name. I'm not going to look at your profile. I'm not going to look at our pictures. I'm going to let you go. I would look at these things because I didn't want to let you go. I didn't want to forget you. But, after all is said and done, I am not going to pine after you and your love when I get nothing in return. Good bye.

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Baby.....

 

I've given this as much time as I can give.....2 years of your indecision has taken too great a toll to continue.

As much as I'd have loved for things to be different, I can't expect you to return the love that you used to give so freely to me.

The dynamic shifted, when and how, I'm not sure, but we fell out of balance. I know it isn't you fault, there is no fault, it's what happens.

 

I'll smile when I think of all those sweet times we had, being in the Keys with you, just reading a book in bed with you, morning coffee on lazy weekend mornings, the smell of your hair and your things in my bathroom....all gone.

 

I'll smile with hopefulness for the future and regret that I didn't stand up for myself earlier in the relationship.

 

I'll ponder why I endured all the times you left me out of plans, made me feel unwanted, called me at all hours of the morning, smashed and slurring, asking me to come get you.......

 

I'll hold my head high knowing I did all I could and you pushed me away and made me be the dumper because you couldn't do the kind thing and just freakin dump me already!!

 

I begged you to, remember?? So many times I asked you to just end it!!

I guess I'm just as unkind to myself as you were because I should have been kind to myself by leaving this long ago....

 

I loved you, past tense....

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Whats ip girl

 

Im wondering why you did when you did it? What made you make that decision for us? Why then ? Was there someone else ? Was the guilt becoming too mucb? Was i getting annoying ? Did you think i wanted you to do that ? I made very clear for 2 days i didnt want to give you up. After thtat i swallowed my pride and stopped contact.

 

So here we are now, a little bit more than a month after the BU. So what happened ?

 

I started working out, seeing friends so much more, eating right, uni started again, saw your mom to drop off your stuff.she told me that i was always so good for you, and i was. One day you will see that

 

Who is gonna surprise you with a new ceiling full of glow in the dark startsv make a vid for our 2 year anniversary, fly accross 2 oceans spend 1200 usd just to see you for 1 day. Just to get slapped in my face

 

I think im entering the anger stage. I actually fantasised of shaking the **** out of you cuz you deserve being told the truth. I could send a e-mail but f that you dont deserve more of my time and thoughts. One day i will be over you and that day i long for.

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Another txt from him:

 

''how are you today, can you say? I'm just in bed looking at all the photos we have sent each other. Thinking of you with Love. Sorry if that upsets you. x ''

 

I would like to text:

''What is your game? Remember your cold advice to me ''not to re-live history'. ( or were they her words....sounds like her kind of phrase. Did she drill you on what to say with that phone-call?

Yes it does upset me.

I am moving on and suffering from another bereavement- a different kind of one. I have not leaned on you, my best friend of 12yrs during this time. I am handling it without you, proving to myself I do not need you anymore.

Dont text me with your selfish impulsivity again. You made your choice. live with it.''

 

I shall NOT respond.

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There are little things that make me miss you. I can get through them but they catch. Today I started a temporary contract, nothing fancy. One of the girls was speaking about how she was looking after a chick and had chickens. I said I'd always wanted chickens...I'd wanted to recall how we wanted to own chickens together and that one of your first presents to me was an encyclopaedia of chickens. But I couldn't without looking like someone who is crazy obsessed by her ex. I left that book at the flat as it upset me too much. I find it difficult to treasure that memory without getting confused about our relationship and what I was to you. It makes me miss you.

 

I know you don't ever see us getting back together because you just love me 'like a friend' now. I know you are getting on with your life and are seemingly good at that kind of thing. How do you not think of things we have done together and miss me? There is probably someone there in my place.

 

When I do something new or encounter something you'd like to know about I find it hard not to want to share it with you. Then I worry that I shared too much with you and that's why you ended up hating me.

 

I find the depth I know a person 10x more valuable than the amount of people and I've found the end of our relationship hard as it feels like a wasted investment.

 

I miss who you were and not who you became. I am jealous of you staying in Scotland with our mutual friends. I worry that you will move on quick and then get engaged quickly because all of our friends are getting engaged now and having babies.

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"This is probably stupid to send to you.

 

Our time together was incredible, although we only talked for a month and had a mere two months of dating we grew close. You say I am sexy, incredible, wonderful and gorgeous yet you left me when your ex showed up, confused about your feelings as you are not over him. Now you hang out with him to figure yourself out, the same ex that treated your poorly, and may date again. When we texted last Monday you said you really like me and still think I'm wonderful. We never argued, we clicked so well, we have the same favorite color, find the same things funny and care far too much about everyone. I believe you when you said you didn't see me as a rebound and didn't expect your feelings to be so conflicted, that you still don't know what you feel for your ex. That you said you will forever regret not giving us a chance, if we do never have one, and your feelings likely won't change for me.

 

I fully understand why you had to leave and I want you to be happy, I want me to be happy. I don't understand what you are feeling, as I have never been in your position but I have no ill will towards you, no bitterness, you did the right thing. I'm not sure if we will be true friends ever but I will always be glad to run into you.

 

Whatever happens in your future, whatever happens between us, I want you to know there is at least one guy (me) who likes you for you. Who likes your coy smile, how you get excited over goofy things, your vibrant personality, your big heart, the way you say 'Hi' after hours of being together, how you're always late, overly nervous and worried, always down for anything even if you think your bad at it, how you don't think you're gorgeous even though you totally are, how you are non-judgmental, just everything.

 

I hope you figure out what you want in life and what makes you happy. Do what you have to do to reach that point. As always, I'll be around if you ever want to catch up."

 

 

This was so hard to write. Our time together was so amazing and passionate, we clicked perfectly. I don't know if I should send any of this but I really want to. This girl took my heart from day one. Every time we were together I took her breath away. It's been three weeks and I still tear up.

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I'm thinking of you so much today...I know you are at work and very close to me. I wonder if I have crossed your mind since Monday or are you just preoccupied with your thoughts for her? It's day 4 NC and I'm trying to resist the urge to not text you....it would be so simple...but yet I think it will only set me back and let you know you still have control. I don't want you to have control therefore, I think I will continue NC. I know its only a matter of time before I hear from you again...just enough for you to find out if I'm still on the hook...How I would love to get off "your hook"

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