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Post here instead of contacting your ex!


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My break up is still raw, so I keep heading for the phone. But instead I'll post in here.

 

'Thank you for all the beatings, thank you for all the nasty abusive words, thank you for dragging me down any chance you got, I don't hate you, I have no regrets on our relationship, all your harsh doings has made me stronger and it was a massive learning curve, I will be happy, and when I am, I'll make sure you know about it. I'll make sure you see that you never broke me, you just made me rebuild into a strong hearted person, my heart isn't broke over you, you're loss is someone else's gain'

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Somehow I think when we hit 1 month of BU and NC you will contact me. That's how it went last year. But this is a totally different situation. This time I was the dumper but you made me do it, and you agreed. So I kinda feel I'm the dumpee, it's really strange. Anyways, 11 days from now, on that 1 month mark, you won't contact me. I won't contact you. When we were falling apart I told you "This is our last chance, if it doesn't work out it's because it wasn't supposed to. And I won't talk to you ever again. It will be simple and easy. I won't make silly excuses to see you like your ex. I'll be done". And you said it wouldn't be easy, it never is. Now I wonder it that's true. I have a feeling it is easy for you. Well it's easier for me than I expected it to be, so yeah. 11 days from now all the hope I may still have will be vanished. Maybe this BU will begin then, and everything will be difficult and I'll be crying every single tear I didn't cry so far. I truly hope I'm wrong and I'll start to move on for good.

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i have not had a single day for the past 6 months that i have not missed you ... i think about you everyday !! from the min i wake up to when i finally lay in bed ( hoping i dont dream about you ) ... i feel alot better now but far from where i want to be..... Remember how hard i worked to win the miami vacation from work that we were so excited about... well, I GOT IT !!! Only diff is , you are no longer with me ...

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I missed you tonight. So, so much. We were at the worst kind of club, but didn't have to pay, so it was ok. The whole time, I wanted you there to make fun of it with me. Seeing my friends with their guys, they don't seem to be as in love as we were, and yet, there they are, together, and we are broken up.

 

It breaks my heart how much I loved you.

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ive been missing you lately, i was crying in my dream cause you're there. i woke up realizing the nightmare and i just shrug it off, and feeling how it broke my heart yet again that you still have that hold on me.

 

i just continue with my day pre-occupied with things had to be done around the house. i admit cant shake you off my mind. and i stopped trying anymore and i think its easier not to fight the ghost of you.

 

sorry we cant be friends. i just cant..not anytime soon not after a year.

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Lately, I wish my life were a movie. Because then you'd realize how much you miss me and how much you love me and you'd show up at my door. And you'd apologize and say wonderful, beautiful things, and you'd tell me that you love me and you can't imagine your life without me. And I'd have tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, and I'd say something cheesy like, "You had me at hello. You had me at hello." Then, we'd kiss... and my world would feel right again.

 

If I just saw your face - or heard your voice - my world would feel right again.

 

Sometimes I wonder why it can't just be like the movies.

 

Life shouldn't have to be this painful.

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I had an amazing nights sleep last night but it was bittersweet. I brought some nasal decongestant (woop) which really worked for my cold. I had an amazing night breathing through my nostrils and not my mouth. I had a moment when I was half awake and thought man this is such a good sleep. I instinctively turned over to wrap my arms around you and surprise, surprise you weren't there. Your body would have been the icing on the cake but it wasn't meant to be. Do you ever get moments like these or are you curled up next to someone else?

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Girl,

 

Please stop contacting me if youre not serious. Ive come to a point where i doubt i would even take you back.

 

Your last e-mail hurt me and did me good at the same time. Hope youre a little miserable.

 

Funny how my image of you can do a 180 in just a little short than a month. You are beautifull and ccan be very loving but theres something aint right between us or how we affect each other

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I'm sure you're already healed. I'm sure you're already flirting with one of those girls you've been meeting since you arrived. I'm sure you're not looking back, you don't feel sad.

 

I know you've already moved on.

 

Three weeks ago I was breaking up with you because you made me do it. I couldn't stand it anymore. I'd give anything to have you back, if you were a different person or you could at least try to make things right, because you still don't realize what you did. You broke us. I knew we were right for eachother. You knew it. You were telling your mother, friends, co-workers you would marry me. And then you did those things. You couldn't talk about what was bothering you, what you needed to change. You just did things no one should do to anybody else.

 

I know this feeling will go away. I know I'll fall in love again. But I also know I won't love anybody else the way I once loved you. I just have to accept that I will never feel with anyone else the way I once felt with you.

 

Before you left you said you'd really try. Despite everything, you still loved me. Why didn't you?

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So, I am hitting the gym and I am going to get help for my ADD and I have been told I exhibit signs of PTSD leftover from the time of the divorce, the move, the near annihilation. I am fixing me. I realize that I need to fix me if I am to attract what I want.

 

I recognize so much about you. I have an odd meta meta conversation happening in my head. You do not want me to contact you because you want to be able to respect me. Somehow though, I think I could penetrate you, still. I know I know, you are making a display of your relationship status. Its the display that is my tip off. Why display it, really? So, in my mind, I need to heal, take control, and find someone who is engaging as you were. Along the way, I might find a way to be friendly with you, so you can build trust in me. That's the only way, but its not the way today.

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I get confused when I miss you because I don't know who I miss. I don't miss being the 'sole' cause of all the difficulties in your life. Are you blissfully free now? Or do you blame something else? I loved you but you changed. Was it me that changed you for the worst? No, I don't believe that really. I miss the boy who I played othello with in the spare room. I felt so guarded during the early part of our relationship, which looking back was appropriate, whereas you were not. My love grew each day and yours started off with a bang and then diminished.

 

I do not want to miss you. It makes no logical sense.

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I still don't understand. We were a good match. We couldn't you see that? What more do you want? I had hoped you would contact me this weekend..but you didn't. I guess I'll never hear from you again. I hate being single. I hate that it's over. I hate being on the market again; I've made a profil on a datingsite, but I don't want to be there. I want to be with you. I force myself to move on, because you had. I guess you don't think about me and you don't miss me. Why wasn't I the right one for you? We could have made it work, but you didn't want to. You just wanted to get rid of me. You don't want me in your life.

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You unfriended me on facebook without a word. So I blocked you without a word. You've affected my life greatly, in the way I think and in the way I interact with people. I am a much stronger person now and much more willing to defend myself. But I am also more guarded, because I don't want to be hurt again. I try not to judge people and be kind in general. I try to surround myself with good people who care about me. I have self worth. I am valuable. I am a catch. In conclusion, I'm stronger without you. Now I'm done with you. Bye.

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This time last year we were so strongly attached. I really couldn't see what could go wrong between us. Never did I think that one year on, you'd have broken my heart on two separate occasions.

I know you're bad for me but, honestly, it's still so hard not to want you. I miss you still. Our late night talks, the scent of your hair when we used to cuddle in bed, I can still imagine it if I try. I remember it clearly.

 

It's still such a hard fact to come to terms with, I will more than likely never see you again. I can't contact you for my own sake. It's going to feel weird on your birthday, not contacting you. Especially considering the plans we had to spend it together. To be honest, I can almost associate an amazing memory with you with each month last year right up until November. It's not going to be easy going through each month as I know I'll remember them and miss you again.

 

Even if we tried again, would it be the same ever again? You've shaken my faith twice. Can I ever forgive you? Right now I know I can't. Your break up was just the tip of the iceberg for the hell it triggered for me. But still... I know how amazing being with you in person was. I hate the fact you'll give that feeling to someone else now.

 

It really upsets me, I wonder how you feel? I wonder if you stay up worrying about these possibilities like I do. Or if you can still remember how it felt to lie next to me, how warm and perfect it felt when we would embrace. Any of it?

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The last 2 days I've wanted to contact you so bad. I logged onto facebook and noticed you changed your relationship status and I broke down crying. I feel in my soul that we are supposed to be together and it kills me that you might be slowly forgetting our relationship. I can't forget all the good times we had.. and that we should be having now. Do you feel the sting of missing me? Do you think you made a mistake? Please let me know... I miss you more than you will ever know...

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lol...you are calling me constantly....almost every day! And i ignore the calls...and it is now so damn easy! I remember when you had first met her, and i was fighting for you with all my strength. You'd give me the rare random call, and i would actually SHAKE uncontrollably....SHAKE. Now i look at the phone, and remember when i use to care....really care.

 

But now you are only calling to see if i took care of the timeshare we own together...so you and her can go on vacation.

 

I keep telling you i will write the letter saying that you and HER can go....but somehow i never get around to it....lol

 

Paybacks are hell....

 

and you know what? I think i've quit caring.

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It's been almost 2 months and still, every night I realize fresh that you don't love me anymore and start to cry. I miss you so much. I feel like I did better with the breakup initially than I am doing now.

 

HAHA. You just texted me: "How's it going?"

 

"Not much, doing ok, tired from work, just hanging out. ( crying over you and posting about it on a breakup site,) whats up?"

 

I still felt a stupid happy thrill when I saw your number.

Edited by beaton
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