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baby, I miss you so much, please call me tonight, I can't forget that feeling of us being so close this weekend. I love how you make love to me, take care of me and do anything to make sure I'm fine. Like covering with your hands the sun shadow, so the light would not wake me up... You are amazing, please don't break my heart

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I would've laid my life down for you almost. I would've been with you if you lost both your legs. So many times I went out of my way. You didn't have to leave me in the dark. You could've just told me leave you alone (for good) instead of giving me some silent treatment. You didn't have to accept the gifts. You could've ended this months ago. I would've left you alone...and not hurt so much right now.

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I miss you in a nostalgic forlorn sort of way. I miss how much fun we used to have, how similar our humour was, how we laughed. How when I go out it's just not the same without you by my side. Like something is missing and I'll never get it back. And I wonder do you feel the same, does my absence outweigh the fun you're probably having now. In any way. Or have you just forgotten me?

 

then I remember the tears I cried. More of them with you than without you I'll admit. How little you cared. How little it would have taken to make things better but you just never thought, you were careless with me. I wonder did you ever care? Do you ever feel alone or like you'll never meet someone like me again?

 

a year without you has been long in many ways, it's flown in so many others.

PS. My sex drive is back. It took me a year without you. Thats the effect your treatment of me has had! It has taken that long but at least I know it's still there!

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It comes in waves but the waves get further and further apart and less intense as time goes by. At least that's what K said to me, said should happen with time. But for me, the waves never stop. They are like panic attacks now. I keep going over every single thing I did, and what I should have done differently, to keep you.

 

I did change. I never liked what you did, I had philosophical and moral issues with some of the practices and the origins/people behind the whole thing and I still do. (taking your classes was an eye opener as to how bad some of this stuff really is, fostering a perpetual emotional dependency on purpose, and you don't realize it because you are so used to it, it's normal for you).

 

But..here's the thing. I did change and even knowing/feeling the way I did, I fully accepted your work and beliefs. I genuinely did this because that's the choice you made and it made you happy. I had resolved to and would never have ever complained or made an issue of it anymore. I went through a period when I did make an issue of it (and my own hurt in this matter is what caused the breakup/unpleasantness in the first place) but I changed, A.

 

I changed for you and I thought that would have some meaning. I loved you and was then and am now, willing to die for you, to preserve something more beautiful than me, your perpetual smile and your warmth and your heart.

 

You always smiled and you never complained.

 

I am sorry, I am sick with regret and have been forever, I tried as much as humanly possible to win you back, I sang songs/played guitar at argo tea, songs I had written for you, I wrote/illustrated poems and words, I ignored my work (I gave it up entirely because though it was super imporant, it wasn't as important as you). I don't know what else I could have done. I didn't maybe say as much as I should have initially, because I didn't want to appear weak in front of you.

 

Every morning, you are the first thing on my mind and every night, the very last thing.

 

I never left you ever. You were never replaceable to me. You were the only one I fell in love with and those words I said, about never leaving you, protecting you, cherishing you, pulling out your chair for you as long as my hands could move...I meant them. I still do....

 

But you did replace me, for real...I just hope that you are happier now, than you were with me. Genuinely happy. And if you are not, then I am asking you to walk away from whatever you walked into and come back to me. My arms are still wide open...

Edited by jaded123
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I realize now, finally, that I'm a fool. Yes I said things that hurt you, yes I realized my mistake, yes I made amends to the best of my ability and beyond.

 

If you loved me, you would have come back.

 

Ultimately, you didn't come back, but chose someone else.

 

You made your feelings known.

 

Ive been a fool but I'm human. I won't believe in love again the same way again, but so what ? I won't disrespect myself anymore at least.

 

And finally, I never forgave myself until now. I forgive myself now, today...

Edited by jaded123
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I kinda miss you though I don't have any reason to. I thought about texting you the past few nights just to say I miss our friendship but stopped myself because really what good would that do? It is what it is. I mean we weren't going to work out anyway for many many reasons- not just because of your inability to recommit to a relationship status. There were lots of other reason, reasons I rationally know but forget sometimes. This was actually the easy and less painless option of how this whole thing could have played out. At least I was able to be the one to walk away- it should give me a sense of control. And I do have that but it doesn't feel as good as one would think. I don't know why I miss you really, not like we were even that connected at that point anyway. We just texted most days, spoke on the phone every other day or so, and just said good night to each other and I love you. It was a weird thing we had going....but I guess I do miss the interaction with you. It only took me a short time to get attached again. And now when something exciting, or upsetting happens in my day all I want to do is text you and tell you...Maybe my best friend is right, maybe I need to have a boyfriend. Maybe it isn't YOU I miss but just having SOMEONE....though I suspect that isn't entirely true...

 

I watched Les Mis the other day for the first time. Maybe not the best film to watch when your going through a spell of depression. Ann Hathaway's scenes made me BAWL. I can't stop singing 'I dreamed a dream.' I know it's not the same thing like AT ALL but I guess I related that song to me and how I was feeling. I did dream a dream that things would work out between us. That my life would be SO different from it is, and I wouldn't STILL over 2 years later be in a place that involved you. I wonder where I'll be in another 2 years. Where do I even want to be? I don't want to be hung up on you. I don't want to spend the best years of my youth pining over a man who has caused me such misery. I want to be able to move past you and not be on this marry go round for the 2000th time. I hope one day I can think of you and feel NOTHING. Not pain, anger, sadness, longing, bitterness, remorse, regret. Just NOTHING.

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Yesterday she made her profile picture Sally and you made yours Harry. Ugh. Really?

 

A whole new layer of letting go is beginning.

 

Could there be a cornier fb post? Doesn't seem like you. Yuck. Ugh. Eww.

 

Whatever. I accept you are happy and will end up married. I hope it blows up magnificently.

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Today is the day that I hope to turn things around - for the better - in my life.

 

I have spent the last week obsessively thinking about you. Thinking about everything you said and did. I have spent the last week analyzing every single little thing between us. I have been stress eating to no end. I am actually starting to feel sick :sulkiness:

 

All of that is going to stop TODAY.

 

TODAY I am determined to turn things around.

 

Our courtship was short but intense but one week of pain over you is enough for me.

 

I am going to STOP asking myself "why" and "how" and "why" again. Does it matter? In the end, NO.

 

All I know is that you were mean to me. You broke my heart. In short, you were a bit of a douche (sorry, I don't mean to be mean but you were).

 

Of course I am going to still think of you in the immediate future and I will still be sad in my heart for a little while longer. But I am DONE with letting you invade my thoughts, my mind, and affect my days. I am determined to "get over" you.

 

I am going to find security and comfort in my regular routine again. Working out. Eating healthy. Reading my books. Spending time with my family and friends.

 

I am DONE WITH YOU.

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New question to remember to ask you when we finally bump into each other: "So how is it going for you in boyfriend-land?"

 

If we have a conversation, then I can ask whether the girls moved to IN, how did all of that work out for you. Just to make conversation. I have to write this down, because when I think of seeing you, I realize I have nothing to say. Gotta remember, so that I don't just look at you like you are driftwood or something.

 

Do I want to be in contact with you? Friends with you? Maybe?

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this is for you baby even tho you treat me like crap and ur ignoring me still ***ing love you

 

"You took my heart and turned me on

And now the danger sign is on

 

I never thought the day would come

When I would feel alone without you

And now I'm like a child again

Calling out his mama's name

You got me on a ball and chain

Doing things that I don't wanta.

 

I can't stop running to you

Feel love coming through you

Girl with you beside me

Hold on, heaven guide me"

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I should have listened to you, whether you were just saying it because your sister said it or not. I just don't know if you wanted me to go or stay. Since you threatened me to leave many time I just left. Now everyone probably think I'm playing mind games or trying to... I really don't know what I want. I just think maybe if I stayed things might have improved. At least it might be a bit better than what I'm going through right now. I'm wishing you would ask for me back... if you want me that bad

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Why are you listening to those love songs? STOP IT! I make myself think that those are about someone else but deep down I'm hopeful they're about me. ARGH! I'm always rationalising everything that happened between us by saying to myself "This RS is OVER!". I *know* we won't see each other ever again, let alone getting back together. I know this. It's pretty obvious. And you won't change EVER! I know! You know! You told me all this before. You're bad for me, you make me feel miserable. I'm not the one for you, I'm not the one that will make you better. I thought for a really long time that you were the one for me, but you're not. You can't be the love of my life and do those terrible things to me. You just can't. And the sooner I get over you, the sooner my heart feels what my head already knows, the sooner I'll be able to find the one for me.

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hey you its been a while since i saw that pretty face of yours, those big eyes full of life and passion for me. i know i know you dumped me for the second time. i know i deserved it the first time.

 

but cant you see? cant you see what you been doing with me ? ive been loving you for too long to stop now . im dropping your stuff off any day now, saying hi to your mom and kid sister. i will try not to talk about you cuz its not their business. i loved you with all my heart and i still cant fully understand why you dropped the axe on our thing. i really thought we were moving in the right direction.

 

anyway im now thinking if i should keep hope but youre probably realizing life without me isnt all that bad. i know you have been contacting me since our break up a few times.. you didnt say the things i hoped you would say. like " baby, i love you im sorry cant we meet up i want to see you and hold you" . thats all i want right now, just hold you.

 

just like the last time i held you outside of your house. i couldnt let go i teared up your long dark hair, i was a real mess. i know you love me so come back.

 

i wont break my NIC cuz i know it will not help. i dont think i have anything new to say.

 

Im ok without you and will do great, its just.. my life would be better with you in it. i need the love of a good woman. i need your soft voice at night telling me you love me.

 

Baby, please come back. good thing im writing on EnA cuz i my pride will not let me ever to say those words. but really,

 

come back

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Gads, I don't know why I still miss you I still don't understand it. We love incompletely different ways. When I think of new guys I get caught up in the fantasy but am mainly scared and insecure about the whole palava. I miss the comfort of being with you. I'm sorry if that's the wrong type of love.

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I'm really hurting and missing you tonight and I don't know why. I wish I didn't because I know you don't live me and it doesn't get me anywhere. I am missing you wrapping your arms around me every night like you did in the past. I felt so comfortable and loved. You are very lucky not to have to worry about having children before a certain age. I just miss you so much. Even though you don't care I still miss you. I don't understand why this has happened

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OK, I shared your Harry Met Sally matching profiles with three friends. Two who tried to tolerate you as a gift to me, and one who wants to maim you for hurting me so bad. Sorry, its a fair a jury as I could find. One: Why are looking at fb? I mean, who cares but you don't have time. Two: That is so corny and cheesy, that doesn't even sound like him. To my protest that the posts were all about sex, Yeah but it still its about the whole relationship. Its still really corny. What would make someone do that? Three: Does it bother you that he used to make you hot, or that he's gay?

 

You know, I just don't want to accept that you are as immature as you are. It is such a tragic flaw, and somehow I want you anyway. I suspect I will end up finding a way to be friends with you. But I have to stop being disgusted by you first. And you are probably not allowed to be friends with me. She owns you.

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Relationships dont work ok I get that. People are different and maybe you just felt I couldn't give you what you wanted in life. By why I ask you one simple question... Why did you have to cheat on me? The worst part of it all is even now 1 yr later you still deny it. And the whole time I thought you left me because of you just wanted some space but really you just wanted to be with some1 else. For a whole year I held onto hope because you told me "who know maybe someday we'll get back together.." all the while you were with someother man. What makes it hard is that you told me you still loved me just before we split. And when I asked if this break-up was just about some other guy you said no... You came back to me because your relationship was failing but you just wanted to use me to give you attention. and you decided to date a new guy. Before that I decided I didn't want to talk w/ you anymore it was all in my email of who i still loved you but i couldnt be your friend And what did you do You pulled me back in inviting me here and there. BUT it was only because you wanted to be the one who leaves a person and not the other way around. The last words I heard you speak was.. "no Shadow I do NOT Love you"

 

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The Message I Want To Send To You My ENOTALONE Friends:

 

Thank you for this site. Thank you for this thread. It is really an awesome feeling knowing that strangers - all with aching hearts - can reach out and connect with one another, share stories, give advice, give a much needed reality check, and sometimes laugh with!

 

So this message is for YOU and not my ex.

 

Thank YOU Friends

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What I would send to my now ex:

"Why am i doing this with you? Why are we pretending that we can just transition into being friends? Why did we get back together in the first place, just to become sad again? why do we just work when we are dating? Do we have committment issues? Do I become crazy when we we get in a relationship? why are you happier without me? Why can't you just let me go? you seem like we'll never get back together...yet why do you hint that we're more than friends? can we be friends and still kiss like we used to, when we first got together? can we be friends and hold hands like we used to? can we be friends and go on midnight walks and talk until one in the morning in the summer like we did in the first few summer nights? Is that ok? How can I possibly just let you go? I'm so used to talking to you every day. Sharing nearly every second of my life. Giving you everything of myself. Giving beyond I could...and then twice breaking my own heart to let you be free. The first time, you came back to me, and I knew that you were truly mine. But this time, I don't think so. Does that mean you aren't any more? Will I ever find someone like you? Strong, yet emotional. My rock. And yet I fear someone like you again...hot headed, and when you would close off from me, tell me I deserved better. Thats when it scared me the most. Because I thought I deserved you. I thought I deserved to be happy, to have my Prince. But not now, not with you. Maybe one day we can be friends; I want that for you, to make you happy. But the only way I think I can be happy is either with you, with us being happy. And since we don't know how to do that anymore, maybe I'll have to do it without you. Just know that I really love you, and I loved you through everything we went through. Through the petty fights, through you giving up, through you becoming sick and not even being able to love me. And even now, I still love you. I still wait for you to text me, like we have every single day without fail for the past 7 months. But I don't think I can anymore. I love you, but I have to let you go. I need to find my real prince. And if thats you, then one day we'll find our way back. If its not, then thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to love again. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve someone who loves me, and treats me like I am the only one in the whole world that you'll ever love. And thank you for teaching me that sometimes, love isn't enough. A relationship requires patience, understanding, openness and communication. Thank you for teaching me. You have a little piece of me that I hope you'll keep. I think I taught you what love was. I hope that one day, you'll find someone who loves you even more than me. I hope she understands your illness better than I do. i hope she'll be strong enough to stick by you. I hope you live with her happily for the rest of your life. But I hope that in the back of your mind, you'll remember who taught you that the world is loving, that the world is forgiving, and that you are capable of love, no matter how much you think that you'll never find it. I hope that you'll remember that once, you loved me."

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