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I wish I had done things differently. You and I met when I was at my lowest in life, and although you lifted me into a better place I relied too heavily on you for my own happiness. My own life was in shambles, and it prevented me from being the man I know you needed. I'm slowly accomplishing my goals in life, and although it's hard without you I know that I'm in a better place now than I was before. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had met you a year from now when my life was in order. One day soon I'm going to be the companion that you always wanted me to be, and it pains me to know that it will be too late for you and I.

 

I didn't just lose a life long companion, I lost a best friend.

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I'm finding it hard to know what to say to you these days as I'm confused about how I feel and what I want. I naively thought that you would never hurt me like this. And you have hurt me. At the time I denied that you had no respect for me & did not appear to care about me. I remembered the person you were in our early years - the boy who wanted to bring home horseshoes from a field by your house & paint them. You listened to me then.

 

Did I ruin you? Did I treat you poorly? A what point did I just become another factor in your life? At what point did I become the enemy? The things we used to do together in fun & innocence were not fun for you anymore. You simply did not care.

 

And after I had been your all. Someone you admired & were proud of & wanted to spend time with I became your nothing. My ideas & like were no longer interesting to you but **** because they were associated to me. Why is it that when I wanted to have fun with you and enjoy our life together you just found me boring? When I still found you interesting. I felt so empty when I would be sitting in a cafe with you & you would not care.

 

I know I am introverted & I like my alone time. Maybe I came accross as aloof or disrespectful.

 

The thing is, I could not go back to you if you continued to be how you were. In your words we grew apart but it felt like it was you who did the growing away and was left standing there wondering what went wrong. Whatreally hurts is I don't know what changed. I wish I could go back in time but I can't. I wish I could fix how you feel but I can't.

 

I don't understand your feelings. I don't understand why you were so angry at me & why I became the enemy who 'limited' your life.

 

I miss you so much. I really want to stop loving you. I was always really proud of you and appreciated that you were mine. Why did you start to hate me?

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spoke to you tonight... had to.. after the day at work.. which no one wudve understood... and you did... but throughout the hour long call... you were..remote..distant..it hurt ..after..it didnt feel good.. the feeling i remember about hearing your voice was missing, i miss my boyfriend.. i miss my Tony.. i miss my man.. i get the impression you dont miss me at all.. you got your life sorted, ahhhh.. it hurts. babe it hurts not being with you. i want you back.. i dont want anyone else, i want you... your plans for the weekend.. your busy- you have fun, you make sure you do.. is it Mel.. the child you think might be yours? the secrets you've hidden.. what a mess.. what a mess you turned me into! Me?? against Mel? seriously.... wish you would tell me the truth.. I know better now though, i wont demean myself like that again.. dont know when i will see you or hear from you again, and the loss of my 2nd bestie hurts.. you were more than just my BF.. you were my bestie, we spoke about everything, and now ... arghhhhhh... it hurts, T.. it really hurts..

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I finished uni today. I was so looking forward to the summer with you. Now the summer looms ahead, so impossibly long. I'm going out tonight - but I just don't want to do anything without you. Went to see Josh today, it was pretty obvious you're still living there. He tried to hide it from me and he ignored my message tonight. I'm so sick of all of this. I just wish the pain would stop. I would do anything to fix it xx

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The days are dragging along so slowly and nothing is changing.

I still feel saddened. My mind drifts back to you constantly and the flashbacks just keep replying, over and over, back and forth in my mind...i can feel you, smell you, almost taste you; it is quite bittersweet.

Everyday, I try my best to stay distracted, but nothing is working the way it should. Nothing sticks, you just linger at the back of my mind along with every thought.

I love you, it really can't be helped.

 

Regardless of what happens, I'll make you proud. Thanks for being my rock and biggest cheerleader, I won't let your advice go to waste.

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Hey, sweetie. It is our two and a half year anniversary. We've been through so much together - a year and a half of long distance, deaths in the family, stress at work. We've remained each other's rock and strength. We have been partners. And despite the hard times, life has been easy with you. I know your character and your values and your love. I want to wake up next to you every morning and sleep next to you every night. You are the first thought on my mind in the day and the second, third and fourth. I want to buy a house with you, make our parents grandparents, travel with you, hold you, and live with you forever. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, will you marry me?

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I don't know why I'm feeling so sad tonight. I don't know why I miss our flat so much. At times it feels like I've done new things and I reach a plateau. Then I feel your loss. You really were part of my heart & sole & it has hurt me that you didn't want me.

 

I regret being so innocent about our relationship. I really thought you would have my best interests at heart. I really thought you were my best friend. I thought that you would always love me. I felt like I had waited a long time to find a 'good' guy. The thing is, it's not that you aren't. You just didn't want to be that person to me.

 

I'm really blaming myself tonight. I doubt anyone will ever love me again. I am unattractive & not up to scratch. Eugh.

 

And you, I imagine are out with friends. Finally free from your ball and chain.

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I know that I'm just another ego-boost for you. I get how it works. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you, though. You alone know what has made you feel and act like this and precisely how far back it goes. (And your actions did affect me, which is why I feel I have the right to challenge you on it.) I don't blame you for hiding from it or rationalising it away, if it's had that much of an effect it must have been horrendous. But trying to deal with the symptoms in isolation only goes so far. Self-destruction isn't a victimless crime, you always take out others with you. There's a stage where, if you live as a victim, you become a perpetrator. But really maybe I'm warning myself here.

 

It's an awful pity to let emotion run and destroy your life. I don't say that to judge. I've been told that several times. I have to remind myself of it.

 

I don't talk of feelings to you any more. You'd just despise my weakness.

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It would be so good to see you.

 

I've missed you so much...

 

I'll never understand your actions or how you rationalize that the way you've handled this is okay.

 

I can't figure out why you're so afraid. Why is feeling vulnerable... feeling truly loved so terrifying to you?

 

You are such a coward, and you ran away from a good thing.

 

Now here I am... alone, and wanting nothing more than to just hear your voice again.

 

Sigh... I still love you. And I still miss you everyday.

 

Please reach out to me one day. When you're ready.

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I think the only lasting attachment I have is to your ghost. I know you are not real, and the only remotely good thoughts I have towards you are ones I lied to myself into thinking in the past. I know better than to contact you. I know that you don't give a crap about me, and that is fine because enough time has passed. I know that you will forever feel victorious, but the truth is, I absolutely knew I never loved you. There is a big difference between insecurity and love, and I knew very early on what an incredibly manipulative individual you were. I made a lot of bad judgment calls, and decided to think the best of you, despite my own discernment telling me otherwise (along with every close friend of mine). I know that I have such a big capacity to love, and truly give of myself and my character to others, and I held back and never wanted to fully be myself to you, because I knew you would let me down and what a shocker...you did. You gained a crowd of clowns, people who will amount to absolutely nothing, and that is fine, because I absolutely know the integrity and morality I possess. I know that people make mistakes but character isn't a skill that can be taught, you either have it or you don't. I have it, even though I momentarily got off track for sometime, it's definitely back. I think there is something oddly deranged about someone having absolutely no remorse for lying to the person they claim to love for so long, and then finding a way to put the blame on them. This is who you are, and you will never change, and I know you will be happy living in ignorance, surrounded by idiots who pump your artificial ego. Surround yourself with people of character, and you will quickly remember the nobody you are. Better not do that. Anyways, it may have taken me awhile, but I can admit now how insecure I was, and freely admit that you are a loser. You can talk a big talk, and even brainwash people into thinking otherwise, but I know you have contributed nothing worthwhile to anyone, and are a nobody and will always be a nobody. I'm not mad, I actually pity how someone can absolutely have no conscience. I don't care what anyone says, one day you will reap what you have sown.

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And it's days like these, when nothing interesting happens, that I get down. Last night I dreamt that you were dating one of our friends. Nastja was in labour & I was helping here. You were off in another part of the hospital with Mona. I can't tell whether this attraction for her is real or in my head.

 

I miss my home It's funny that I still call it that. That I still call the birds my birds even though they're not. I keep having flashbacks of doing simple things such as filling the washing machine & it feels like I'll be back tomorrow to do that. In my mind, my home has been frozen in time and is waiting to have me back.

 

I do not understand why you hated me so much and why you pushed me away. It can't really be all so simple that we like different things can it? I don't think it is. What was important to me was that we could have fun together but other things were always more interesting to you. I just feel really very hurt. I was looking for someone special: a nice guy. After all these years I thought what we had was special. I'm really suffering from these horrible flashbacks of doing very normal things with you & feeling like they will return. I'm really struggling tonight. My mum is driving me up the wall.

 

The little child inside me is inconsolable for what she has lost. She really doesn't understand. She is really naive & thought you were great. She doesn't want to accept that you treat her poorly & disrespected her. She works on the premise that deep down we are all good people. With you she worked on that premise for a long time.

 

Why did you change? I really miss the old you. I really miss any you. I hate you for leaving me. I want to come home so bad.

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I think of you all day long today and it makes me sad. It's like doing my ordinary stuff, keeping myself busy, listening to music and still hearing the argument between you and me in my head. I know you're too stubborn to contact me. I know I will not contact you either just to destroy the last hope or be rejected once more. And the thing I want you to say is that you are a fool. You're a such stupid man, going after your stubborn temper, not listening to your heart, not paying any attention to your feelings and emotions. I'm living a live hell here in my heart. I had such a wonderful day today and I don't even have a chance to sit next to you, embrace you like always and to tell about my happiness. I hate you for being so stubborn. I know you're not sleeping tonight. You never sleep at such late night. You're probably reading a book or playing those computer games like every day you did with me. And of course you're thinking of me, but you just try to resist those thoughts, pretending that your deed breaking up with me will pass like ordinary thing, that you will resist not to contact me, that tomorrow you will meet your friends and you will do your leisure stuff or go to work. I try to believe that you will not return to your ex and will not find a new girl so fast, because I know you told me you're faithful. I know it's difficult for you to fall in love and I know you haven't had so many lovers. I hope that withing a week or within a month you will return to me, because your family tells you what stupid thing you did to leave me. I want to be with you so much you can't imagine. And you're always in my mind and I believe I'm in your mind now too... I'm just so sad that you're so stubborn to contact me and say sorry, to say that it was another mistake when we misunderstood each other, that the argument was stupid, that you hate me for my stupid behavior and at the same time you miss me and want to make love with me again. I hate you for meeting you, because I love you now and you can't do anything about it now.

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