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How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

Water's getting harder to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

 

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If I'd see you

This darkness would turn to light

 

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

 

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

So why am I ten feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

 

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If i'd see you

This darkness would turn to light

 

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

I know everything will be alright

Edited by lalalollipops
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You brought me joy.

Except when you didn't

I will be without you for a long time.

 

Its sinking in.

 

I want assurance from you. Still, its best if I don't get it.

 

Are you feeling relieved? Regretful? Focused on A? I want to know that you want me. What does it mean to you that you still want me?

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oh its so crap at the moment, im turning down invites, hiding away all weekend alone.. an i hear you've been missing me.. you've been crying..whilst out of your face on that ridiculous drug you chose rather than be with me.. you're so unhappy..but you would rather have the freedom to go out, get drunk, get high.. then be with me- the girl who loves you.. im such a mug. How can i cry about someone who doesnt even want me?? who would rather be high then be in a relationship!! Who prefers his beer drinking mates to me.. I really thought you had changed.. i really thought i made you happy.. you told me- you told everyone you had never been happier... you lied.

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Remember.... Remember when we met at the spot down the street, after several weeks of NC; well I had been emailing you for a week, and then 2 weeks of NC. Then we met and you said, you thought it would just go away and you would let me think you were an axxxx and that would be the end of it. But I didn't fade away and it made you want to talk with me. You missed me, you thought you were falling in love with me.

 

I listened to all that. Surprise surprise, I heard the falling in love with you part, and ignored the NC that had gone on.

 

Perhaps the other side of the same coin is that you were trying to respect your relationship with A all along, and just couldn't pull it off. Perhaps my NC has made it easier for you.

 

And if that's the case, and it is easier for you now: you suck. Go to hell. Take your all night phone calls, your holding hands at dinner, your work with my kids, and shove it. No, don't shove it. Put it up in a frame on your wall, and stare at it. Remember it. You worked at creating this thing you blew up. You pursued me for two freaking years. And now you don't have the courage to do it right? Please. All that crap you did was for what? A local thing while your LDR was unavailable? Disgusting, insulting, infuriating. Step off.

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I hope you are facing a new week of work, struggling.

 

Struggling.

 

I hope every time you pass through my neighborhood, it hurts like hell.

 

I hope Thursday you go out for a beer in that spot down the street, because, its on your way to your kids something or another, but really, you are hoping we walk in.

 

You will not and can not replace me or forget me. I am too unusual for that.

 

Struggle, my friend, struggle. Struggle your little heart out.

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heard your sister has moved in with her boyfriend accross the country. i hate to say it, but i feel sorry for you. i hope it breaks your heart that you let your sister manipulate you and ruin our relationship, and then she skips town with her boyfriend. she will be back though, i guarentee it. he was only ever a rebound relationship anyway, and they are too incompatible, although in the meantime, it would be nice to see how much of an "independent woman" you actually are. you cant even stay in a house yourself, you are pathetic and enjoy the idea of being some great independent woman who "dont need no man", but when it comes down to it, you are just as lonely and dependant on other people as any other messed up individual.

 

i still miss you, but im moving on alot. its very tiring to hear about you and your sister putting facebook status' online about anyone ( particularly girls ) i am hanging around with. its just so pathetic. your the one who broke up with me, remember? i take it you didnt think long and hard about your decision if that is the way you are going to react to hearing / seeing news about me and what im up to.

 

i dont know if you are with anyone else, or if you have been dating. it still hurts a little to think of you with someone else, it probably always will. i bet you feel the same. in a way i hope you find someone. i hope you fall for someone who appears nice on the outside, but on the inside is another one of your "horrible" exes. i still hope you regret your decision, and i still hope it crushes you.

 

i still think that maybe one day we will be together, but you(no not me, YOU! ) still have alot of growing up to do

 

its funny, because no matter who you meet, or are with, i know that im always going to have that special place in your heart, and nobody is going to be able to take it from me. just remember it was you who ruined it!

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I had better keep this site open today as I am at risk of crafting a message to you.

 

you suck.

 

why, why, why i was so happy to be in your company, i wish i knew.

 

you really truly took my sweet inner self and jacked it up. and you knew it. and it made you feel bad. but it didnt make you stop. and i finally have stopped it. i walked the higher ground here. we both know that too.

 

it doesnt stop me from wanting you though.

 

so, yes, if i were to unleash a string of your youtube language on you. it would defile me and make you blue. you have earned all of it and more.

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I keep wanting to be your friend. I keep wanting to seek out comfort in your words and your arms. But that sht is bad medicine. I know you think you did nothing wrong, that you were just being honest and protecting both of us from further damage; but you hurt me by being so damned cold and callous about it. You said you were hurt too but I seriously doubt it.

 

But I'm better than you in so many ways. And I won't engage you in any personal contact ever again because you just wreak havok with my well being. You are a destructive force and there's no way you'll ever understand why or how.

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Are you watching fireworks tonight? Hope you're enjoying them. I remember going to see fireworks with you this time last year. I really wanted to enjoy them: I was happy at work and had you. You just didn't really want to enjoy them with me.ifyou had been the centre of attention in a big group you would have. But you couldn't with me. YOU SUCK.

 

So this is why I hope you are having fun without me. Because you broke my heart to do so. It hurts to think of all the Novembers I spent hugging you & watching fireworks.

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Just found an email from July 18 in which you said "either the phones are all fd up or you are ignoring me." So very satisfying.

 

Whatever it is you are looking for, I hope you find it. But first, you would have to start looking, dumbaxs, rather than getting led around by the nose.

 

Whatever, its your nose. Take it easy.

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We were engaged. talking about kids.... only weeks before this all happened you were researching adoption and fostering as an alternative.....i we drifted apart and our intimacy was low... I just wish you could feel the fire i feel and work to bring this all back... I feel like after the breakup you've changed somehow... lost yourself... i pray that it doesnt eat you up inside... i need to move on and find myself... i will always love you

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I'm finding it hard to stay away from you. All you ever were to me was protective, caring and amazing. ;( You never said anything hurtful, you always remembered things I'd say, you were thoughtful, hilarious, giving, supportive, motivated and strong. So it makes things harder actually. Cos I can't even focus on your cons. Guess one semi con is that you work too hard? Uh or that you can be overly attentive at times (I like my space after all) or that you were alittle too assertive and too decisive? Sigh.

I miss you. I don't think I'll ever find another guy like you again.

 

P.S I hope we'd be able to become friends eventually in the future. I liked having you in my life.

Edited by lalalollipops
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Today was hard, being in an environment where we normally would have been together. I missed being able to debrief on the session with you, and most of all I missed having you at home to just relax with. I feel so alone and I can't believe how isolated I had become because I could depend on you to be there. I miss our family and our home. I enjoy living with others, but it's not at all like living with the man you love, who loves you.

 

Most of all I wish you would contact me. I wish that you would go out and get help for your depression & anxiety, and that you would lay off the speed until you had all of that sorted out. I wish that I was worth working all of that out, because there is nothing that I wouldn't have done for you.

 

Unfortunately, I will love you always..

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In other cases, I have generally been kind-hearted and generous towards my ex. Even my ex-H.

 

But in your case, my dear, I am sincerely wishing you pain. I think you need it. I think you need the pain to discover that you can feel, to identify what you feel. I wish you angst over A, I wish you pain over me. I wish you pain so great that you are forced to resolve your personal life. I fantasize that I am in your thoughts, though I know I could be so far from your thoughts as to have been from another era, another time. Still, my instincts are pretty good. I think you have me boxed up into a compartment. Then, some days, a reminder of me filters in and the pain begins.

 

Let me be clear. I don't wish you ill. I do, very much, wish you pain. Lots of it, and occasionally in an overwhelming amount. I wish and hope that there are reminders of me that trigger this pain. My train station, the mixer, a picture in your phone. Maybe the occasional telltale long hair floating about. There aren't as many as I would like. I wish to contact you, only to make sure you have reminders of me. But I will not contact you. I have nothing to say, and I have no desire to listen.

 

I do not wish myself to forget you, as I know I won't do that. I wish happiness for me, and I intend to make that wish come true. One day, maybe I will wish happiness for you too. That is the best I can do.

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It has been 22 days since we last spoke and I was so much in love with you. I brought you into my world, my childhood places and everything I love in Boston. I have Boston, now because everything reminds me of you. The places i haven't brought you yet is also tainted because I always WANTED to bring you there when you visit again.

 

You cheated and for the longest time I thought it was because he was BETTER than me.

 

I learned he is NOT better than me but is a better fit for YOU than me.

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I am full of it. I wish you pain because your pain validates my existence.

I don't know that I have anything to thank you for; you took your measure.

I AM thankful for having known you.

You used me ill and hurt me deeply. I needed that.

I will now validate my own existence and trust that karma will balance things out as intended.

 

There is much about you that I want, and I miss you for those things. But I will find them again, it must be so. Now, I will seek what I want in faith that I will find it embodied in someone who loves me deeply.

 

I have nothing to say to you. How sad and unsatisfying. You are gone.

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What can I say, after what seemed a petty argument it seems I'm left with nothing.

 

A week of separation, you refuse to talk and don't contact me.

 

After two weeks of separation you say its over, still refuse to talk or discuss things. You pack my stuff up and you wont let me say goodbye to the kids.

 

After three weeks of separation, your new boyfriend has photographs with you and him together all over your facebook page.

 

After four weeks of separation you introduced him to the kids and he's staying over nearly every night.

 

I never once hid my love for you yet you still said it wasnt enough. I thought you were better than this.

 

I was wrong.

 

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than meet someone like you again.

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I know you don't think that we're 'right' for each other and maybe we're not. It doesn't stop me feeling like I'm missing an arm. My mum always said of her love for my dad that there was no romance anymore but comfort. I suppose I was really happy with comfort. I miss you. I miss your face. How can you be so resolute that this is what you want? Do you ever miss me? I miss you just being irritating. Why did you change for the worse? I miss you still. I need to go out & find someone who deserves my love & not someone who wastes it. You're a silly boy. I mean that with love.

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