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Nynnja
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We're trying to make things work, but you don't seem excited to see me. You're actually calling me now, and I'm surprised, but what good is it really? You're depressed, I get it, but I hate it. If I do see you, you're just going to be off in your own world and there's nothing I can do. What's the point.

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Love is blind, oh baby, you so blind.

 

I treated you good, I gave you the most memorable of times. When we first met, I blind folded you for 30 mins while I took you to build a bear because you don't have that in your country. I took you on top of a mountain to over see the whole city and I gave you a fairy tale kiss. When you had to fly back to Russia and went to New york for your flight, I chased after you like in the movies when someone goes to the airport. Remember when I couldn't find you in New York and I went down the escalators in that department store and you were standing at the bottom? It was a movie like scene. Then you left and we started out long distance relationship, a year past and I few to Spain to see you while you were studying aboard. Never traveled international before, I took a chance to go somewhere I can't even speak the language. It was in Spain that I was completely hopeless. To not be able to speak a single thing of spanish and to a city I have never been before, I put all my hope in your hands. You guided me thru Spain and we had a wonderful time.

 

It was in Spain that I told you I love you.

 

"Let me paint this picture for you, baby

 

You spend your nights alone

and he never comes home

and every time you call him

all you get a busy tone

I heard you found out

that he's doing to you

what you did to me

ain't that the way it goes

you cheated girl

my heart bleeded girl

so it goes without saying

that you left me feeling hurt

just a classic case

a scenario

tale as old as time

girl you got what you deserved."

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You called me, and I was eating, and it totally ruined my meal, which I was looking forward to all day. I had to answer, because it was you..and then the conversation sucked, partly because I had food in my mouth, but partly because I felt so depressed about our situation..how you don't even want to see me. You didn't call me for so long. It's nearing my time to go to bed..and I'm not going to call you, because it just reminds me of all the hurt. What good will it do? I need to hear the words come out of your mouth that you want me to come over, and it's sad that I can't suggest it, because if I do, it doesn't sound like you genuinely want me over. Why are we doing this? Maybe you will want me if I give you a chance to miss me. I don't know. Why do I care.

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Downloaded a program that blocks websites today, so I can block certain sites you are on. This is the last little bit of you I have left and I am letting you go tonight. Honestly, I can't believe this all happened, 3.5 years and gone just like that.

 

arrge whatever, you are going to get fat anyways with the amount of chocolate you eat.

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It's a crime you let it happen to me

Nevermind, I'll let it happen to you

Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose

But my mind and all the things I wanted

 

Everytime I get it I throw it away

It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay

By the time I lose it I'm not afraid

I'm alive but I can Surely fake it

 

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me

You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

 

Forget it

 

Just fade away

Please let me stay

Caught in your way

 

Just fade away

Please let me stay

Caught in your way

 

There's a place I see you follow me

Just a taste of all that might come to be

I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe

To question every answer counted

 

Just fade away

Please let me stay

Caught in your way

 

Forget it

 

Just fade away

Please let me stay

Caught in your way

 

It's a crime you let it happen to me

Out of mind, I love it, easy to please

Nevermind, forget it, just memories

On a page inside a spiral notebook

 

Just fade away

Please let me stay

Caught in your way

I can live forever here

 

Forget it

 

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me

You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

 

I can live forever here

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Good luck with you moving into your new flat today with dog.

 

I hope it's dark and dingy with no love and cosyness. I hope it's riddled with damp and smells!

I hope it's cold and uninviting and deathly quiet with no warmth and totally depressing.

 

I hope dog pisses all over the floor send chews the doors and keeps you awake at night howling for me.

 

I hope you wake up every morning to harrowing emptiness and reminds you like a cold hard slap in the face of what you have lost.

 

ha.

 

good luck boyo.

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Trying to finish this math homework, but all I can think of is you. How we should have been living together up in the city, me studying and you working to become a teacher. It hurts me to the core of my soul that your probably laying in some other guys bed as I type this. I miss us so much tiger and its the worst feeling in the world knowing I can't act on it.

 

I'm trying to let you go. But every time I feel as if I'm moving on, you text me. Or I see something that reminds me of you and I text you (stupid yankees/whatshouldwecallme). And it makes me still feel attached to you in some way. I can't be in this middle ground anymore its destroying me. Its either you're with me or you're not I can't be just your friend. Not when I still love you so much.

 

My pride won't let me say this to you because I don't want to sound weak, but Tiger I can't do what we're doing anymore. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I don't want to lose you from my life, but I can't destroy the rest of it by holding out hope that I'll have the chance to be with you again.

 

I'm in hell. But I'm going to keep pushing on. As much as I wan't to curl up in a ball in bed right now, I won't. I won't give in to temptation to reach out you. Just gonna keep plugging away at this stupid math assignment and let God do his thing

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I've gotta stop fantasizing about how we could work up. It's constant and it's making me sick. I don't know why we wouldn't work out...you were never able to articulate that yourself. I keep thinking that if I said something along the lines of "I don't want to go back to where we were either. I do think we had something really rich before this summer, though, and I think we could work toward that, but I think it involves working on our friendship and not having so many expectations about how things /should/ be - no long conversations or arguments about the possibilities of what's wrong...just maybe a check-in every couple of days to to see how we're both doing. Stating my own feelings is so easy, but it might benefit you if I just let you know I want to listen non-critically." How many times have I played this conversation over in my head? I'd say at least as many days as we've been apart...which is just over 12 weeks. Have you ever had a "good" response? No. I wish I could say ANYTHING without overwhelming you...I don't know what has happened with all of this mess to make you so reserved, but I know that if you don't want to be with me as my boyfriend, I can't have you in my life as my friend...and that's what holds me back. I hope you know that the door is open. I love you.

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Most days I can take or leave you. Today I miss the hell out of you. And I'm pissed that you can be so distant about what I thought was an incredible connection between us. When you withdrew, you left a smoldering hole in the ground and now I have to fill it up slowly. I hate this.

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Why did you come and see me and cry??? Why are you so sad?? This is what YOU wanted, saying perhaps we will be together in the future does not make it better, it just makes you sound more confused!! I sincerely hope your journey works out for you, just don't run me over while you are on it please! Thanks....I will always love you and be full of regret.xx

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Did you really thinking leaving me a voicemail of that song would help? I couldn't even identify it right away since you were driving (probably from your new gf's house) and it was playing over your broken car speakers. A voicemail of a song we loved isn't going to bring me back after all of the destruction you caused. I'm not that simple. I'm almost offended that you think I'm some little girl who will fall all over herself over a stupid song.

 

Have some mercy and leave me alone. Leaving voicemails of songs to someone who is broken hearted is very inconsiderate of their healing. If I hurt you, I would disappear so you could breathe and move on. You should do the same.

 

Also, I liked that song before you came into my life. It wasn't ours. It was mine. Nice try tho.

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It just seems really tragic that we both love and care for each other but cannot even be friends because we cannot compromise & are too immature (by that I mean lack experience). I feel that I understand the type of love it takes to make a long term commitment but you don't. You will learn it by yourself, I hope, but don't see how it can be with me. That makes me really jealous. I really don't want to say goodbye to you. I know I will but I'm avoiding it I will know when it is right for me.

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Sometimes I wish we'd never met. I hate feeling depressed, and having no way of shaking off that sinking feeling in my gut. How have you been? Hope you're not slaving away and being a workaholic like always. I mean I always had to remind you to eat right? Wonder if you're getting into your old habits again? Take care of yourself C. I miss you more each day.

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So, yeah, I got to work this morning and thought, Well, that's over.

 

I just don't see you getting anyone who is as complete a package as I for you. Free spirit, good coin, good sex, good looks, good mom. WTH is wrong with you.

 

Maybe you were the gift God sent me to help me find someone who is as good for me as I would have been for you.

 

Now that is a darn good idea.

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It's strange how many good things have happened to me since we broke up. It was almost like my life was waiting for things to end between us, so it could finally start moving forward. I've been keeping a list of all of these good things in my head, so I can tell you, if we ever speak again. How silly is that? But it makes me feel better to think someday you might know. You'd be so happy and impressed and proud and relieved by everything that's happened. I do wonder why it all had to happen after you were gone though.

 

Today I was thinking again about whether you miss me, and then I had a different thought than usual. I was thinking about how I look now (toned and fit) and how accomplished I feel and how much I've done on my own, and it occurred to me... if you don't miss me, you're kind of an idiot. You know me... you know I don't toot my own horn, but my goodness, you let a good thing go when you took me for granted and didn't factor me into your life. I'm starting to see now who I am and what I have to offer, and I'm proud.

 

I can't imagine you'll ever find another girl who tries as hard as I do to learn and grow and be better, and I know you'll never find a girl who will love you as much as I did.

 

So, when I think about whether or not you miss me now, a new thought is creeping in: if you don't, it's your loss. Because you should.

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