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You said you loved me but felt that you didn't love me enough to marry me. You asked how someone knew if you could make a lifetime commitment. The real answer is you just don't know. You feel it but realistically you don't know. It's something that is easier to believe earlier in a relationship.

 

I feel so sad today. I truly wish I'd never had any faith in you or our relationship because it's such a disappointment to loose it. Today, I truly want to hide from the world. I must have been, and clearly still am, a bit delusional about who you actually were. I tend to be someone who puts themselves in the other persons shoes and it comes accross that you don't do this.

 

In your letter to me, it felt like you parroted back the things that I had said to you. It felt like you could never truly express your dislikes for fear of being disliked. Then you'd be passive aggressive. It hurts that you give up anything that isn't easy. It hurts that you gave up on us. It hurts that you see our relationship as something that has been and gone and something you have learnt from and apply in the future.

 

I really wish I didn't feel love for you. You have all the traits of someone who I wouldn't normally get along with: arrogance, lack of empathy & superiority. Maybe I thought these characters were evident of your age but actually they are just you!! I feel that, as you are disgusted by weaknesses, I am disgusted by your belief that weaknesses are weak. I feel like a parent when I say this but I'm so disappointed in you. I know we are all different though.

 

I really wish I didn't love you. I really want to just give up & let go. I feel so sad about who you actually are & I just want my feelings for you to go away. How does one cultivate indifference? I'm a bit indifferent to replying to your e-mail I suppose. I realize whatever I say won't get me anywhere but suppose I should have the decency to say: it was nice knowing you but I can never speak to you again. Get behind me Scotan!!

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Hey you

 

I might let myself like someone else. I suppose you figured this out. As a result of your misanthropic ways, I am appreciating anew an acquaintance who is smart and accomplished and ALSO an active participant in his community and generally making the world a nicer place. Maybe my ability to appreciate him is a gift from you. Ha, I bet you'd love that.

 

I looked up your swim split. I suspect you swam slow. I have a fantasy that you are low energy because you made a mess of your intimate life. I have a fantasy that you are in a really bad mood and I hope you are. Yes you did make a mess, with two people who deserved better from you. I hope you swam slow. I was kind of hoping you DQd, but now I am hoping you finish with lead in your feet the whole way. Gut it out and grow the f up. You suck.

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She was not for me. At least I made another friend though as we basically talked about our ex's all night. She is just coming out of a 3 year. I told her about you. Some bad, mostly good. Funny how I seem to only think about the good stuff, like how you loved everything I cooked and always acted like it was the best thing you had ever tasted. I was going to make one of your favorites tonight, apple-butt chicken. I bought all of the ingredients. I simply can't get myself to do it. I'm going to go grab a drink instead. Storms coming.....wish you were on my couch right now, waiting for me to put the chicken in the oven..... knowing I would definitely be coming back to the couch to inhale you while it was cooking.

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You texted me late last night, no doubt thinking about me after a bad date. I still haven't answered. I know we'll need to speak soon but I just need a break from you for a few days. I can't be mad at you. You are who you are and you do the things you do and I kept coming back. Truth is, as much as I hurt sometime, I know you hurt tons more just being you. You have short spurts of happiness with partners only to have it crumble to the ground, over and over. You are a mess. You are mentally imbalanced. Thanks to the car wreck, you may not even have a normal sex life again and you have to wear diapers. In short, it sucks to be you. But remember why the wreck happened, due to your bad choices with men yet when a good man enters your life, you tear him down and push him away. Sadly, all the pain you have in your life is self inflicted. I loved you and still do. I accepted you for who you are and empathized with your current physical state. I supported you while you recovered. I briefly thought I could be with you despite the sexual issues you face not to mention the other physical challenges. But you hurt me again and pushed me away again. I have no one to blame but myself.

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The weather is shifting; it's starting to get cold. I wish I had you to cuddle up with at my house by the open fire, watching movies, sipping on some wine and just enjoying each others company. But in the end, I know this breakup was the right decision.

 

I'm in the same boat. Cuddling is the best isn't it? Well, sex is good too, but the rest of the time..cuddling. There is something so magical about having a loving being next to you..I wish you the best of wishes in this hard time.

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I told you I wanted to make things work. You sent me a message that you were glad, but you haven't answered my calls since. It's been half a week.

 

You've become withdrawn. You expect me to remain in a relationship with you while you go off to your land of depression. I understand you are going through a hard time, but you have become so selfish. You don't make the effort to include me in your life. A relationship takes effort from both people. It's so sad that I had to end it, and this time through facebook, because you won't answer your phone. I love you. You are so special to me, but you're not letting me in, so I have no choice but to let you figure yourself out. I can't be dragged down with you anymore.

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Today I went to that place where we would drink beer, chat, laugh and have a great time. My friends wanted to go there and i just didnt want to spoil the mood by rejecting going there-god i was wrong. I remembered all the memories we had there and missed you even more. Every face i saw resembled yours. Dont you ever remember me? Dont you also have this urge to see me? Im at an even lower point now

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I have gotten a little bit done today. Mostly, I have obsessed that it is your race day, that you are stuck in TX because of the weather, that you now will have a great excuse to have fabulous sex for a few more days, guilt free. I am guessing at the relief that the closed gov't brings you, the break that you get to spend that time in A's company, the rush from your last race of the season. You would be a fool to have your SOTU talk this weekend, at the expense of your race and your fun time. So, you know, just go ahead and put it off. No biggie. You suck. How am I to respect you?

 

I know I am under your skin, so whatever I am imagining, I am also reminding myself that your experience is multi-layered. You will not have missed me like I missed you because you have been traveling, you have been embraced, you have been athletic. I know. I dont know what your head is doing, but I am certain now that you shut your mouth. How can you be proud of yourself? How can you feel like you are being fair to A? And, in a vulgar admission, it is awful to know the kind of sex you are having. Ugh. Two libertines with an unexpected vacation day. Its just gross from my perspective. Just indulgent, cheap, like something from college with no dignity.

 

I am hanging on to the belief that if I cling to the high road, the hard road, I will get rewarded. PLEASE be true. If you continue to choose a path of convenience, you will not have me. Ever. But, lucky you! You will be stuck with someone you never wanted.

 

A year ago, I was home, working, wanting to play, while my dearest lay dying. This year has been a recovery from that loss, I can see that. I am tired. I am wanting. You brought me joy, light, freedom. Everyone else is, well, just a man. I can attract them and consume them if I wish. I hope to find someone else who will give me a world with no boundaries like you did. And maybe without the misanthropy. Bonus.

 

Maybe I am to wait until there is no void? Will there ever be such a time? I cant see it. You used me ill, sir, and I wish you justice for it.

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I miss how much fun we had. Looking in your eyes made me forget about all of the problems I had. But sometimes I feel like everything you were to me, was something I created in my head. I don't think you ever cared as much I had tried to lead myself to believe you did and that's okay because for the first time in a long time, I think I'm going to be okay. I'm no longer bitter and since you've been gone I've found new ways to deal with the issues I was having while you were around and guess what? I don't have those issues anymore. I smiled today, all by myself, and I can honestly say it was brighter than any smile you've ever put on my face. I hope that where ever you are, you are healing as well. I hope that you've stopped sweeping your pain under the rug pretending it doesn't hurt. I hope you're okay. I got good news the other day and I wished that I could have shared it with you but you probably wouldn't have cared about it anyways. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I now know, and can accept the fact that I didn't mean anything to you. A part of me really hopes that you never forget me and you hold on to all of our memories, but I know that's just wishful thinking. You've already let go of it all. I guess I'm letting go too 'cause I can finally say that without getting a bad taste in my mouth. I'm confident that I'll matter to someone better than you one day. Take care, my friend. I wish you all the best.

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I miss how much fun it was, always, to be in your company. I miss you hanging out with us, watching b&w tv on netflix. I miss the dream of flying to the coast with nothing but a plane, our bikes, and a tent. I miss our sex, yes. So much in retrospect makes sense, like when you were apopleptic that I left my old mixer at your house. Did you toss it before A came? Gosh how it burns me up to have shared you, unwittingly, as I did. Yet, your company was compelling indeed, and I miss the hell out of it. So brilliant and so flawed. Damn. Can it ever be good? I really do miss you.

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I loved you with all my heart like no one before yet you wanted to change me for what you needed not love me for who I was. You thought you loved me but no you loved yourself and needed me for your own happiness and you needed to be loved.

Still I am a better person and wish you all best in your life and future. Live well love well.

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