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Kill the lights

I’m fading tonight

I don’t wanna be here

You got me tongue-tied

Losing my mind

Every time that you’re near

You know it's over, we’re just wasting time

In search of happy days you know we’ll never find

 

For love, I fought, I’ve waited

All that I had inside, I gave it

Tried to believe, in time, I’d save it

Sometimes the truth is hard to take

There’s nothing to do but walk away, and let go...

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It had been a week or two and I thought I was doing OK. Not great, but holding it together. Then I went for a walk and a beer on Sunday. The leaves were beautiful and I thought how gorgeous it would be to go for a walk with you in that park near your new home (the one where I also signed the contract). I was looking through my wallet and found a picture of you, as well as that little blue butterfly you gave me to protect me on flights because im so scared.

 

Now im not doing so well. I think you'll be pleased to know that I've managed to turn things round at work, but i struggle to fight back tears now mostly every day. Everything in my apartment reminds me of you. I'm still managing not to contact you but it gets harder with every passing minute.

 

I can't understand how we came to this when just a month ago we had agreed that we would move into the new house together and work on things. I think I ruined our chances, and now I regret it. I wish I'd fought harder for us. I can see now that i could have saved things, that you were already trying. Maybe I was too selfish. All the drinking and all the other crap, that was never real. I could have had a dream life with you but fuuuued it up like I always do. Too scared to live a dream. Or something like that.

 

I genuinely hope and expect that your doing better than me. The new place will be a lot of work but once its finished you'll have a beautiful home. You home is your castle after all. I think you'll benefit much more from this.

 

Ich liebe dich immer noch. Ich wünsche mir, dass ich alles in den letzten Zeiten anders gemacht hätte. Ich hätte alles retten können. Dein Bärli x

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I woke up angry today. I keep having conversations with you in my head because that's the only way we can communicate now. I keep wanting to ask you how you were able to just cut me out like you did...just shut down. And tell me that it's hard but that you hadn't cried. With all of the agony that I've felt over you and our relationship I am so frustrated that I wasn't worth a single tear from you. And this morning I kept thinking, "You wanted to know why this summer wasn't as fun as the rest of our relationship? Why you felt like we had less fun than other couples?! Because you just quit. You stopped trying. You didn't plan dates and you didn't try and talk about things and I just pushed you along for SO long and I am SO frustrated that you did that. It makes me feel so worthless. And the number of times I asked "How?" and you could only say "I don't know." just kills me. I am so frustrated and so hurt. I miss you and I hate you all at the same time and I'm so tired of fighting with myself about how I feel about you. Up until now I've wanted to say sorry for things that I'd done to hurt you/push you away/damage our relationship, but YOU are the one who quit and gave up and YOU are the one who didn't give ME the time of day. I HATE that. I hate that you just stopped loving me. I hate that you were selfish enough to not even talk with me to work on it. I HATE that I wasn't worth that to you!

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I sent you this lovely letter of how much I love you and how sad this is making me and how I would go to the moon and back for you.

But also that I know it's really over now. And you want to be happy so I'm letting you go.

 

 

Never got a reply.

You could have said something.

You must really want to be as far away from me as possible.

Was I really that Bad?

 

How can you just leave someone like this?

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I said "I was Sorry" thousands of time, i called you 100 times the day i fetl I was losing you, I texted u, I cried over the phone, I beg u to forgive me, and u said: This is over DoDo. I can't believe just because I said we should break up when I was upset, u didn't doubt about letting me go so quickly. U said this long distance relationship wouldn't last and it's better to break up now. I could fight againts the whole world just for you, but you never though in doing the same for me. I keeo reading all the nice words u wrote to me once, the love letters I sent to u, text messages and replies, I just can't believe this is over. It's been 3 weeks now and I still cry at work, at home, walking on the street, I have to let u go but my heart is stubborn. I miss you, I love you, I can't stop thinking in you. My sweet baby, I can't force you to want me back and I don't understand why u want me as a friend now.

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I realized you treated me badly while cheating so I would break up with you so you DON'T feel guilty. Who the hell are you? Who does that?

 

When I did break up with you, you just left so easy, it was so weird but now I realized the truth. Oh yeah, you cried and said "you broke my heart when you gave up on us"? REALLY? YOU WERE CHEATING. You seriously are a broken girl, I don't know what happened in your past but you differently jumped from one relationship to another and ripping people's hearts out.

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There was that time you said you found my POF page, and you were hurt by it. You knew I was on POF, that wasnt it. You read it, you said, and you thought, She deserves to have that. And you told me you werent sure you could be what I had posted for.

 

I was confused by this. You are exactly what I describe.

 

then tonight, I reread my profile. Holy crap. This is one of the times when you were struggling with your deception. There were several of these times, when you would tell me clues that I didnt understand. This is one of them. the first line in my profile, second sentence, "You are honest." You knew I was looking for a sincere adventurer. You knew you were the whole second paragraph. I hadn't even remembered what I had written.

 

It hurt you, not because I was there, and not because you weren't good enough, but because you felt guilty. "You are honest" No, I'm not, you thought.

 

Yet you perpetuated your bad behavior.

 

Wow.

 

I think the acquisition of a conscience surprised you.

 

More wow.

 

Get a therapist.

 

And yeah, I still want you to come back to me. With a therapist on retainer for us both.

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I want to respond to your email but I just don't see the point. So much has happened, I don't think we can ever get back to where we were and I don't think I could ever trust you to not hurt me again. Some people are just supposed to go their separate ways and it seems silly to reply to that in an email. I mean what's the point?

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I just got home and I'm feeling really weak right now, I miss you, I dont know what to do. I can't stop thinking about you. This hurts so much. I just want to run away from it all, I am sad day and night and I can't even f- escape from this when I sleep as I dream about you every other night.

Haha, I'm devastated. I miss you so much C, I love you.

 

 

P.s It's so f- pathetic that I listen to your voicemail everyday, and the fact that that's the only way I'll be able to hear your voice from now on... You have no idea how much that pains me.

Edited by lalalollipops
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Hey,

 

I ran into an old friend of ours. He asked about us and was stunned that it was over. I asked him where he had been, something about a defense contractor overseas thing. I don't even remember him leaving. Guess I was tuned out for a long time. Surprisingly he made me sit for a beer and asked detailed questions about the break. I was happy to see him but kind of put off by his intense questioning. Did you screw him too?? Ugh.

 

Told him you were married. He blanched and looked away, I could see the hurt in his eyes. Geezus. What did you promise him?? Its taking awhile but I'm beginning to understand you just a bit more each day. I used to wonder why the girls didn't hang with you or walked away when you came by. Thought it was a girl thing but I'm guessing there is more of you that meets the eye. Wonder what you did before me??

 

No matter. I told him you were all his and he tried to protest, came out weak. OMG! I thought I was the one who screwed things up by not being around. Figures. I really hope you miss me and it hurts when you call as there will no number anymore. Bleh. You get what you deserve.

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Today is your 'Saints Day' and i have ALWAYS been there for the family gathering. We would go to church together, and i'd help you clean up the dishes at the house when people had finished eating.

I used to enjoy it so much with the energy and how special it was.

 

Today i'm alone without you, without the love of my life, wishing i was there with you instead of your new girlfriend, who now gets to enjoy all these things instead.

I feel so down.

Srecna Slava my handsome silver!! I still love you, even though you ruined me.

 

Limiya

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I'm still heartbroken. There is no hope for us. I understand that you just don't care enough to save what we had. On paper, I don't see why I feel like this: you're selfish, uncompromising and I feel that you view me as an object. As much as I've ever tried to talk to you, you don't listen. You are unable to put yourself in my shoes. It was nice when you weren't a total d**k. You said you wanted us to be friends but, to be honest, I've seen how you treat your friends.

 

I'm just scared that while you treated me like crap, you'll treat your next girlfriend like a queen. I'm scared that it's actually me who doesn't deserve to be treat right.

 

I wish I could get it out of my brain that you are my best friend. I hate how you've treated me.

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I am so stupid. I move into my house tomorrow. I have been packing all day (well, for months, really). My mom and dad came and helped today. I have things to do. I have an exciting change about to happen. And yet it seems like my every thought is consumed by you right now. Everything I pack. Everywhere I look. You. You. You. I'm stuck in this weird state of melancholy, where I can't really be happy about all of this because I always thought it would be happening with you. Because, at the very least, I wish you knew about all of this. I wish you could be excited too. I wish you were still here, somehow, some way.

 

This has been going on so long, and I try and try to forget you, but it seems impossible. You're wedged into every part of my life. It's maddening.

 

How can I still miss you now, nearly ten months later? When I haven't heard a word from you and you've seemingly moved on to someone else? How are you still always what I think about? How are you still here, a ghost haunting my life, when in reality, you've been gone so long?

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Just thinking about when the last hurricane hit here a year or so ago, and how I went up to stay with you. You insisted on it, you didn't want me to be at my apartment alone. I felt safe...loved...protected...and that no matter what happened, I would be okay because we were together. You always gave me that sense of comfort.

 

Apparently this hurricane is going to be worse than that one. And now I have no where to go. It's going to be worse where I live, not so bad by you, and I wonder if I have even passed through your train of thought.

 

Nah, doubt it. You were too busy partying and rolling face to even think straight.

 

Remember how you bought that inflatable raft as a joke? I remember you telling everyone about how I thought it was ridiculous, but you were determined to use it. You ended up returning it. Brings a smile to my face...ha.

 

By the way, I had a dream about you last night. It was weird, because you were wearing your old work uniform, the one you were wearing the day you took a photo for me and sent it when we first started dating. I think it was my mind's way of saying I miss the old you. The person you were when I fell in love with you.

 

I don't know who that was. I don't know you. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

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Every single time I go to gym, my eyes look around, wish to see you again. Everytime I go up to that M-V campus, I wonder if you are around, going to youre flat or driving in the area.

My classmate looks just like. I cant take my eyes off of him.

But guess what, I have someone with me who can just look into my eyes and can see whats going on and every single time I see him I am as much joyous as anyone can ever be.

Now Go with your new gf and have as much sex as you want, because you sure dont deserve my body, my time, my energy and especially not my love.

ps: I hope you clean your house when your gf is coming over, because guess what, my bf is the cleanest guy I ever met.

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today was day #14 of NC. came accross an old voicemail you left me when we first started dating, and when everything was perfect. you called me to see how my 3 hour drive was going, and that you were almost done with work and couldn't wait to see me DJ at one of my first out of state gigs that night. almost made me tear up thinking about that and the great time we had that night. it was the best gig I ever played and I'm glad you were a part of it. you'll never truly know how much it meant to me that you drove 4 hours to watch me play. at that time you deeply cared, and I wish you still did. turns out we'll both be in the same town on the weekend of November 30th. that gives me mixed feelings. in one aspect, I wanna see you and know how you're doing, at the same time though I know it'll just have my mind racing and I won't be on top of my game for the events that lie ahead of me where I need to be able to perform to the best of my ability, or I'll get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. basically, I hope to see you, but I also hope I don't. turning my phone off for that entire weekend has crossed my mind too. I hope everything in your neck of the woods is going well...

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Hey Hun, just got home. Today was hard. I am no good at distracting myself at all. No matter what I'm doing, how busy I get, I can't stop feeling uneasy inside. And then you keep popping up in my mind, then I get quiet and I start feeling so far away from everything, so far away from my life.

I miss you, I'm going crazy inside.

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If you pass this weekend in her company and you keep your mouth shut, you are a compromised coward, lacking in integrity, unable to be true to yourself. Your cowardice is in inverse proportion to your big talk. No surprise there. Your on-line references to anatomy, to the supremacy of your opinion... are these not a reflection of your disrespect for yourself? Have you reduced yourself to the power of your parts? Will you let someone counsel you?

 

Is this love?

 

Your patterns are so familiar. I learned that love comes embodied in people who follow their own drumbeat. My parents, all my sibs follow this definition. Right now, it seems like if you chose to be with me you would cleave to me, but over time, I suspect you would drift. I want the part of you that cleaves, and I want to trust that you wont let yourself drift.

 

But you will. You will drift and ruin the relationship, rather than confront emotional conflict.

 

Counseling, love. We will not all leave you alone like your parents did. But we will leave you if you leave us.

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Just held a "Funeral" for the end of our relationship. I typed out a 3 page "eulogy", pulled up a picture of you & I on my phone and set it in front of me, as if that was the "casket". I read the eulogy out loud, and I must say, all kinds of emotions..happiness, sadness, regret, and pain ran through me. I laughed when I got to the part about our first date when we went bowling and our scores were HORRIBLE. All we could do about it was laugh. I got another good laugh when I got to the part about the good times we had in Vegas at that comedy-magic show. It ended up turning into sadness when I got to the part about me hoping you find another man that will bring you nothing but true happiness, because I always thought that man was gonna be me. It also made me sad when I got to the part about our 8 month anniversary coming up tomorrow. Regret and pain came running through me shortly thereafter when I listed the things I felt I could have done better, and how the failure of the relationship was PARTIALLY my fault. As I was reading it, I could picture in my head the "casket" of what was once you and me being slowly lowered into the ground. As I was folding up the "eulogy", I could also see me walking away, with the workers picking up shovels and burying the casket.

 

Having done that, the light at the end of the tunnel suddenly got brighter. It gave me that acceptance that our relationship is over, and things just aren't always meant to be the way we want them to. I don't know what the future holds for either of us, but it's SERIOUSLY time to get a move on with my life, and doing this was just another step towards that. I still miss you, care about you, and wish you nothing but success, N. Maybe we'll run into each other one day and it'll be like the first time we met, but I'm not gonna hold my breath on it. If I do, life's just gonna keep passing me by, along with the woman that's perfect for me.

 

Take care of yourself, N. I wish you nothing but happiness and success in everything you choose to do. Like I've said before, even if in the end we can't be together, and despite how things ended, I'm glad you were a part of my life.

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