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Post here instead of contacting your ex!


Nynnja
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Sigh. Don't keep doing this, please. You know how toxic this is right now. Things have to change for both of us. Tell you what, if you don't trust me, tell a friend what I said and ask their advice. I don't mean one of your imaginary friends, I mean a real one. Think it over. Sorry, I'm busy and can't keep thinking about this, besides, it's not good for me. (I'd make time for you, though; just so you know. I do miss you.) (P.S. Single is fun; I mean the type where you're on your own; not dating at all. Try it.)

Edited by Miss Bennet
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Following the train of the last thought (this is good therapy). I know you don't want to let the fantasy go and face the real me because life is so hard and that's how you escape. But you need to face down those ghosts. (Again, don't take my word for it.) I know you mean to; or it's too exhausting, or they're too terrible or you'll feel humiliated. But you have to make a start, and you have to keep at it. I know or I can guess what they are, and it doesn't faze me, so they're not going to faze a pro.

 

This is what you need to do; not relationships. Except one; that's what you need to keep your eye on, for the future.

 

As friends we could help each other heal, because we know the worst about each other. I think I know, and I'm not judging you. It's fine.

 

Do tell someone your secrets; someone you trust. Tell them what I said.

Don't hide stuff from the pros; how else are they going to help? You're in a fine mess now because they advice they gave was based on a false premise. Be honest. Write it down as a letter if you need to.

 

I can't tell you this in reality, but I can write it down. I wish, how I wish you could trust me and listen to me. I know I can't help you but I wish I could. The best way I can help is to heal myself.

Edited by Miss Bennet
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I am sorry, but you were so wrong about me. And you had some major issues that you never told me about. I don't even want to know now, but you will never be in my good graces again. If you see me in this city....walk the other way. If your so called "friends" (laughable) see me, they should do the same. You never treated me with the respect that I deserved (except for in bed of course) and now not only are you memories, but you are no longer someone who I consider to be a good person. You chewed me up and spit me out after all that you knew about me. You did it anyway. Over and over and over again for almost two years. And then you disappeared from my life completely except for a silly smart phone game. Was it enjoyable for you? Did you get your rocks off hurting me after my divorce? I am a good man, and I have a ton to offer that most men can't offer. I made you laugh your **** off every day like it was my job and I treated you like the sexiest most amazing woman to walk the planet. I made you feel protected and happy. I showed you my insides. You will NEVER see that again from me.

 

And no, I will never be your fake friend. I want to put your hands against my hallway wall again and make you shiver with my breath on your neck......that's not a friend. And I will never fool myself into being something I am not, to anyone. I am your lover, not your friend. Get it straight. There is a difference. Maybe not in your safe bubble of a world, but in my world (the real world) there most certainly is a difference between friend and lover. You know exactly what I am talking about too...You know how I am. You know how "we" are together. You were just too afraid and scared to accept that we made sense. I loved you. I still love you. I would have done anything for you. I would have married you. I would have been your smiling tough guy dork making you laugh and being part of your life (your real life that I never was introduced to) until you were old and grey. I would have been your rock, your king. Instead, you treated me like a fool. Because you were too much of a coward. That's right, I said it again. You're a coward.

 

Get out of my mind and stay out. I never want anything to do with you again. You are pain and hurt in a bottle to me and I don't think that there is anything that you can ever say or do can possibly change that. You are in the way. Stay out of my way you heartless foolish girl. I am finally angry about how you treated me.....as I should be. I deserved so much better. I deserved your very best....you played me for a toy. Go now, creeparachi guy is waiting for you on the smart phone game.

Edited by chamachama
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Here are my terms:

 

create understanding - done

apologize effectively - done

explain point of view - done

make promises - what would they be?

follow through on promises - consider that crazy escrow account idea to restore balance of power

discuss how promises are being kept - how would I know?

prepare for issues of timing

 

And here are my concerns

 

- going dark to avoid confrontation / truth-telling

- lying to avoid reality. why? when are other instances of lying? Patrice? Abby?

- manipulation of me, very effectively, by adopting what i need to hear. e.g. "this is not one of my freak-outs" well, no, thats because you have a date instead of our date (as happened the night of Salman Rushdie, which you agreed to on Sunday, and then on Monday, there she was and he was ducking)

- inability to govern yourself. at what point would you have changed your behavior? no point. you apologized, but repeated same.

- potential for future resentments and silent treatment used as tools of emotional manipulation.

 

these are grave concerns. Yes, I want you, I do. These concerns are in writing to help me protect myself when you show up again.

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Telling me that it confused you too doesn't really help. Nothing really helps. I feel so ...so ugh. I'm just convincing myself of all the little things I must have done wrong to hurt you and push you away...and then telling myself that I shouldn't feel guilty when you said I did nothing wrong...but how didn't I? Why else would you have left?

And is this really it? I can't help but think that it's not. I can't help but think that we spent so many years together and you chalked it up to being "comfortable" ...what the efffff? And I was talking to R about how my aunt used to call my by my full name by with Purple instead of my middle name because purple was my favourite colour...and I thought about how you used my full name when you were feeling extra affectionate when you'd say that you loved me...and I am just blown away now how you can tell me you said things like you loved me because it was "nice" and because it was "routine"....I just feel like shaking you. How long did you lie to me for? How long did you fake it? Why weren't you just HONEST with me? Wasn't I worth more than that? Aren't I STILL worth more than that? I'm so frustrated. And you didn't even see yourself with anyone else - not even somebody in your mind - but you didn't see yourself with me. And it KILLS ME that you had to be so "nice" about it...it's nice to just say that I'm still a good person and it's NICE to be honest about your feelings and it's NICE to stop contacting me because it's detrimental to my feelings and it's NICE to say things sooner rather than later and it's NICE to not blame, but how do I move ON from this!? And you tell me that it's hard to talk because you need to move on too?! What the WHAHTKJKSDJFB. I just don't understand you at all. I want you back with my whole heart because I loved you with all of it and you've just tossed it away. So I don't think I could trust you...not now...but I HATE HATE HATE to think that we're only a memory now. It really cuts deep. I really loved you, Benj, and you just gave up on us. You gave up on me and that really hurts. I'm really sad about it still. It's really awful to think that I'll never really know why either...it just wasn't working for you anymore. I miss you.

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Will you tell me when the lights are fading

Cos I can't see, I can't see no more

Will you tell me when the song stops playing

Cos I can't hear, I can't hear no more

 

She said I don't know what you're living for

She said I don't know what you're living for at all

He said I don't know what you're living for

He said I don't know what you're living for at all

 

But I will run until my feet no longer run no more

And I will kiss until my lips no longer feel no more

And I will love until my heart it aches

And I will love until my heart it breaks

And I will love until there's nothing more to live for

 

Will you tell me when the fighting's over

Cos I can't take, I can't take no more

Will you tell me when the day is done

Cos I can't run, I can't run no more

 

She said I don't know what you did it for

She said I don't know what you did it for at all

He said I don't know what you did it for

He said I don't know what you did it for at all

 

But I will run until my feet no longer run no more

And I will kiss until my lips no longer feel no more

And I will love until my heart it aches

And I will love until my heart it breaks

And I will love until there's nothing more to live for

 

And I will love until my heart it aches

And I will love until my heart it breaks

And I will love until there's nothing more to live for

 

 

 

I miss you C.

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You were in my dream last night, thanks for that brain.

Hope you've had a better 100 days than i have, oh wait, of course you have, you're free of me, you don't have to talk to me, touch me, put up with me or care about me, you don't have to look after me when i'm sick, or make me laugh when i'm upset.

 

I'm having some minor operations soon, but 100 days has made me brave.Something bad happened at the weekend and i thought i was going to end up in hospital or die, i've never been so scared, but i didn't ring you or text you, every time something happpens it's you who's there in my mind, but i have to be strong and ignore it. That's what i have to do every day and it's the worst feeling in the world forcing someone out of your mind. I love you so much, i'm sorry for posting on here, but 100 days is a big thing to me and you left me, so tbh i can do what i want. I'M the one who's hurting, you're fine.

I don''t know how i'm feeling, i'm just having a bad day and needed to get this out. I'm trying to see the positive side instead, the fact i still love you means it's true love, and i'm glad i experienced that i guess. I'm so broken today. I'm sorry.

 

 

I love you, i hope you're happy and living your life to the fullest without regrets. You're pretty close to perfection, so don't settle for less, be happy.

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I made a perfectly sweet very attractive smart sexy girl who was very much into me after a second date, sleep on the couch last night. I wish that I knew if you were dealing with the same sort of things. No one and nothing has come even remotely close to what we shared together (both physically and mentally believe it or not). I kept coming up with different reasons as to why I do not like her (and all others who I have given a chance to since you)......I didn't like her kiss, I thought she didn't get me, she didn't get my humor, she wasn't funny, she was too loud, she wasn't cool/chill enough, was there something with her teeth? She did not make me feel comfortable or calm...she wasn't affectionate enough, I don't trust her, she was not remotely even close to my (our) level in regard to sexuality/libido....

 

And her absolute worst mistake which ended up being the deal breaker.......she was not you

 

I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I would do anything to hold you again. To put my hand on the side of your face, to look down into your eyes the way I always did...nothing compares to our passion. If you would have only let go of your fears about me (us) and embraced that with me.... allowing me to feel secure in your love for once....so that there was no more confusion or drama.... we could have been one of the greatest love stories in the history of love stories....

Edited by chamachama
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I miss you so much. I have no idea why you won't talk to me, luv. Don't you even miss me just a tiny little bit? Why are you keeping me at such a distance, when we were so, so close?

 

You told me you weren't feeling normal since we last saw each other, and that you wanted to isolate yourself... you told me it was because you didn't want me to go. I'm worried you might be slipping into some kind of depressive state. But I don't know why. And I don't know why you're choosing to shut me out, when we used to talk almost every day.

 

But.... is that the truth, or is it just a completely cowardly way to ignore me? Have you totally forgotten and disregarded about all the good times we shared in recent times? We connected so perfectly and beautifully... I refuse to believe that I am a terrible judge of character, or that I am naive and stupid. I really thought that we had something great, too good to be true, maybe. You made me realize how unfulfilled my relationship is, and thinking of that is giving me the motivation to move on from that. I'm grateful for that, and I know I'm making the right decision with that.

 

But... I mean, my god. We talked to each other online and on the phone for hours. We stared at each other like love-struck idiots. We laughed so, so hard and silly things... we had deep conversations and confided in each other. When we finally actually met, you were just as wonderful as I thought you were going to be, and you treated me so well... I never felt so attractive and genuinely cared for, honestly. We had fun, like best friends. We shared incredible intimacy. How can you just brush that aside? You told me you loved me, and I reciprocated that statement... not in the heat of the moment, but because I meant it. I don't just take that lightly. I don't believe you do either..... but when you don't talk to me, I don't know what to think.

 

When I don't have answers, I only have guesses. My mind makes crazy stuff up. Did the "I love you" thing freak you out, after you said it? Do you regret telling me? Did you only say it so that I would sleep with you? Do you regret meeting me? Are you now suddenly totally unhappy that we live so far from each other right now? Are you depressed about your school situation and can't think of a solution? Is there someone else you are interested in? I know you didn't die or lose your phone because I can TELL that you are not only receiving my text messages, but you're reading them too. How hard is it to text me back? Seriously. Why did you delete your email address?

 

I don't even know what to do. I'm trying to give you space and back off... but I don't want to let go, either. You're too important to me, right now. I feel like, in the core of my being, that you are the right person for me.... I really, really thought that. But at the same time, if I don't let go... then what am I hanging on to, if you don't communicate with me. If you shut me out, then all I have are memories, and I can't build my life on that alone.

 

I'm grieving, here. Don't you even care? My friends are worried that I'm taking this so hard. I want to hate you and call you every name in the book, but I just can't. It won't make me feel better. All I would like are some answers, and possibly some closure, even if it means complete and utter rejection. Please hun... you owe me at least that. I deserve acknowledgement, and I don't deserve to feel like I am totally out of line with this line of thinking.

 

If you still want me to be in your life, then please just talk to me... you know how to get a hold of me. I won't judge you, I won't get mad, and I will listen and do my best to be a comfort to you. I won't push you to love me back, I won't push for answers to relationship queries... At very least, I really just want to be a friend. If you don't want me in your life anymore, then let me know so I can stop wasting my breath and my heartache, and move on. I still won't hate or judge you. Please find it in your heart to scrape together enough trust and care for me to just have one last conversation and let me know what's up, either way.

 

The silence is the worst part of all this.

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I saw a great photo of you today on facebook. You were looking so hot as always my love. Seeing your face, your eyes, your smile made me want to hug you tight and never ever let go. I wanted to tell you this, but you dont want to talk to me anymore. I have no idea how you can stand not talking to me, because I can't. Everyday is a battle against myself to resist calling or texting you. I love you and miss you so much that you cant even imagine. I will wait as long as it takes for you. You are the only for me anf you will always be.

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You dumb axx.

I hope when you are in TX you feel the pain of having left me here.

I hope also you feel compelled to alter the grounds of your friendship.

I hope you begin planning how to earn my trust.

I want you back.

 

Can I trust to keep working at getting me back, if I am only tentative in the beginning?

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Do you remember we were each at our respective homes and you had me log into the same Netflix movie you were watching? The cute Scottish indie about the budding romance between the 13 years olds?

 

That was, well, sweet.

 

Also, the Voltaire quote another poster offers Every man is free the minute he chooses to be--- I am telepathically sending that to you. You should not pick her and you should not pick me. Just live for a bit, without trying to please either one of us.

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Missing you terribly at the moment..it's one of those days where I'd love to hear your voice, but, as I said before, it would just bring me back to square one..getting a terrible feeling that you're with somebody else..I need to focus my mind on something else because those thoughts are just killing me..miss you.

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