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I miss sleeping next to you. I miss the way you would hug me to sleep. I miss your smell. I miss that you loved me once. I just want a sensible conversation with you to help me understand but you don't appear to be able to give me that. That really hurts. After 6 years together I wanted a more sensible conversation than it's not right & can't work. Do you think of me at all or am I just part of your past? I really, really miss you. But I'm so confused as to who you are. Not the person I thought. I loved all of you and it hurts so much that you didn't love all of me. I really did love you so much. You will always be in my heart. Why did you do this to me boy? Why was I not enough for you? I just really miss you. Night, night xxx

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How did it feel to cheat on me with him? How could you tell me every night "goodnight, I love you" knowing you were being unfaithful to me, lay your head down next to mine like nothing was going on. It never phased you at all.

 

you say "we're only friends" - yeah I bet. I trusted you, I believed you when you told me "nothing is worth losing you over" Then you leave me for him. I hope someday someone manipulates and cheats on you, like you did to me so you can feel the pain I still feel everyday for what you have put me through.

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I've missed you a lot today. I've been really tempted to text you and say sorry for everything I did to push you away or hurt you. I know that things were ****ty for a long time and I took advantage of your patience. I realize I already said these things, but the guilt still haunts me a little bit. I know you're not bitter and you've put no blame on me, but I'm sorry that things worked out this way...that you got too far out of it by the time you were able to tell me. I want to ask if we'll ever have a chance again but I don't want to look desperate and only time could tell anyways. I hope you're well. I wish I could give you a hug and ask you about your life. I wish you were mine again. I love you.

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I might still write this in a piece of paper one of these days and send it to you. Maybe.

 

It's been eight months. We've talked. We've cleared the air. You finally told me you loved me still, and I-- well, I turned you down. I never thought I would, you know. I never thought I'd have it in me to say what I said. To say no. To tell you I can't. But there you go. I said it, and here we are. Why the hell did you wait so damn long to realize what was so plain to the entire world? And, ****, why did you wait even longer to tell me about it!

 

The truth is I know the answer to all my questions. That's yet another thing that saddens me. I know you so well. I know everything about you. I know the motivations behind your actions. I know the reasons behind your inactions. I know. I know all your flaws. You probably knew all of mine, too. And the truth is, as horrible as everything turned out to be, we loved each other with a passion that belied logic. We loved each other to the very end, and way past it. We just got lost in navigating through our own personal ****. I know all this, but-- oh, god, but I still wish you would've fought for me. I wish you had the presence of mind not to let it escalate to this miserable end, even if I didn't.

 

Then again, you are what you are. If you acted any differently, you wouldn't be you. And hadn't I loved all of you for all the years we had been together? Even that part of you that stormed out the door that night. Because, in the end, I know you still loved me. How could I not love that?

 

God, we had so much growing up to do. We still have so much growing up to do. And while we've changed so much in the past months, I still don't see a way for us to be able to work. Because if we need to grow up, doesn't that mean we need to change? And if we're changing now and we continue to change, how will we know if we'll still love the grown-up versions of ourselves? That, too, makes me so damn sad, I often don't know what to do with the emotion.

 

Now, I echo your words to me from a couple of weeks ago. "I have feelings for you." I do. I couldn't say them to you then, because I was so numb from god-knows-what, but there you go. I still feel things for you. They're not the same feelings as before. They're not strong. They're not how I would define love. They are just there. They are deep-seated and ever-present, a melancholic undercurrent to my everything. The loss of you - of us.. it's a cataclysmic event that I will mourn for a very long time, I think.

 

The truth is, I still wonder sometimes if we could somehow make it work. I know I told you I couldn't, but what if I got up the courage to? For all my words and my changed feelings and my logic, that is still the question I'm asking. Fight for me, for the possibility of us. That might push me over this proverbial edge. Give me the courage to be with you, despite all these reasons not to. Don't you know that I loved that most about you? I loved that you fought, heart and soul and fire, for what we had. When I saw you last, you were broken. You looked like you already knew what my answer was going to be. You were so afraid to even try, and you were right to be. It was my turn to need time to process. It took you several months. I only got to three weeks. So if you read this letter, and are perhaps still inclined to try, let me know. We can talk about it. That's a start, right?

 

Love,

F.

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Even though we were terrible together near the end I don't see it as either of our faults. Not deep down. We are who we are because of the lives we lived. Some of that bound us together & some of it tore us apart. I don't regret loving you the way I have & I don't regret caring for you. How can you not feel like an important part of you is gone? I want you to know that you will always be a part of me as you have helped me to grow. I'm sorry you couldn't see your way through like I could. I don't like you that much but I love you.

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you have taylor swift and her stupid chart pop "never getting back together"? well i have lynsey buckingham's "never goin back" , a timeless classic.

 

although a song i really want you to hear is christine mcvie's over and over, and eventually songbird.

 

 

yeeahhh, today is a fleetmac day!

 

 

and for some bizarre reason, i actually nearly shed a tear at "over and over".

you dont make me cry any more, once small whimper was enough when it all happened, and i hope you dont ever expect me to cry. funny that i know you already have

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Some days I am overwhelmed with sadness. Today was far better than yesterday. After all of the chats I've had with everyone, I am still torn between waiting for you and giving up forever. I know that neither are feasible entirely because who knows what the future holds? Besides, telling myself "it's over forever" is far easier than actually believing it. I'm sorry it ended this way. I've wanted to tell you that all day - that I'm sorry for messing up where I did. I know I've said it before and I know I'm not the only one who made mistakes, but I'm sorry for ever hurting you. It kills me to think that I must have done something(s) to hurt you and push you to a point where you couldn't be with me anymore. I love you so so dearly, my boy. I still hope this is the right choice for us. I hope that I can let go - to let you have what you need...whatever that may be - who knows if you've even decided what that is yet. If it's somebody else, I really hope that she's a lot like me...I don't know if that's weird and I doubt you've thought much about what that looks like (the last time I talked to you, you couldn't even say you needed to "get over" me and you hadn't thought about anyone else yet) - but I hope that you really valued most of our relationship for what it was. I know you were happy for a long time, and I know that there were things that were missing near the end. If you have the same struggles with her, I hope that she's at least able to make it clear/easier for you in the way that I couldn't. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but if I can't have you, I really hope that this is all worth it - that you at least end up happier than ever....and I do too, of course, but I've just thought about you today. I miss you and I love you.

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I dreamt about you last night. It's funny that when I dream about you it's almost always the rejection I feel. In my dream we went to the casino with our mutual friends. You took a girl with you & I took a childhood friend. I was so jealous of this girl. She had taken my place in our normal gang. Our friends didn't seem to care that I was hurt. Your girl was beautiful in a natural way. She was happy, confident, knew herself, intelligent, kind and could joke with you. I felt I had been replaced by a better model. You adored her & treated her with respect.

 

I was so hurt that you could ignore me and treat me like I didn't exist. I was so hurt that you had developed such an indifference to me. I was jealous that you were happy and I was not. I wondered what I was missing for you to not care for me like you did her. I didn't know how you or my friends could be so disrespectful to me.

 

I'm undecided as to whether dreams have meaning or not. I suppose these thoughts mirror how I am feeling about you. How sad I am that I have no true closure from you, how rejected I feel and miss my former life.

 

I don't know who the girl in the dream was. She seemed an awful lot like me although more confident & comfortable with herself. Part of me wondered why she was with you as she could never appreciate you like I did or could she?

 

Part of me wants to believe that it was us in the future but one thing I have learnt is not to place value of magical thinking. It was a dream & that was how I felt. It was hard.

 

Me & my friend went home to live in our trees by the side of the motorway & subsequently turned into lions.

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I'm so heartbroken and I miss you all the time. A friend of mine says you are a coward and I have to say I agree. If you really saw no future with me why did you stay with me for all these years? For comfort? How long have you just not been in our relationship for? Why can you not contact me and tell me the truth? Running from this like a coward? You will not always be the good guy in life and sometimes you just have to face it.

 

No apology, no someone else would be lucky to have you. All you could say is you're kind & have a pretty nose. Even I see that I am much more than that you pr***. you don't even text to ask how I am. I burnt out from work and then you dump me and you don't even ask how I am. I love you. I adored you. I miss you so much. I hate that you just don't give a ****. I know the world doesn't work like this but I feel like this is some reward for loving you so much x

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I'm still feeling completely betrayed by you. Why did you move things along so fast if you didn't have the willpower to stick around and try to work through our issues? Why did you tell me that you would work on your stuff while I was away with my family if you were only going to give up after a day? Why would you tell me you wanted to spend your life with me if you didn't actually mean it? You say this whole thing is your fault, but yet you won't give it another try? I was willing to be patient as you worked on your issues, but you weren't willing to do that for yourself?

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