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It has been a week, and I feel anxiety and emptiness. I'd like to know what you're up to, but at the same time I don't. Today is a rather hard day, and I hope to make it thru w/o having any type of news from you. I'm scared to give in to looking you up, but I know if I don't it only makes me stronger. I must be strong.

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soo obvious you don't miss me at all.

 

i've been a fool thinking that you may. just a little bit.

 

your inaction has shown that you don't and i can only fool myself into "positively thinking" that a small part of you just might.

 

i don't feel a set back. i'm just upset that i allowed myself to be in this state for this long. i really do like doing things the more challenging way, learning lessons the hard way.

 

f*ck this. tired of pining after you when you really could give 2 sh*ts about me. such a fool, such a fool

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I hate that you gave up after 7 years.

I hate that we planned the rest of our lives together.

I hate how selfish you are.

I hate how you're having fun with your new life.

I hate that you live in "my city" now.

I hate Law School.

I hate that you broke my heart.

I hate how you said you still love me and that you'll always love me.

I hate that I still love you unconditionally...

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I really miss you. I wish I could understand why you couldn't see a future for us. I just don't think you could accept or forgive my flaws. It felt like everything I ever did was wrong for you. I'm just really hurt. I really am. I know that it's not all so simple that being a good person meant we'd last but it feels like that. I always thought you were fantastic and wanted to be with you forever. I'm so confused because I didn't know if you were 'right' for me but felt that the concept of right was an odd one and that if I loved you it didn't matter. You were horrible to me at times but I forgave you. Sometimes I thought you were right and sometimes I thought you were petty. I forgave you cause you were a person and I loved you. And yet you didn't care enough to listen to me, or appreciate me. You turned every request into a war of I'm not doing that. You said to me that kindness sometimes isn't enough when making friends but by God I would rather be friends with someone who cares than is interesting. I just don't understand your behavior to me. I feel like I don't have any judgement with regards to people. Some treat me like **** and I don't seem to notice half the time. I don't understand who you are. I don't understand how you could be with me for so long and not see a future with me. Please realize how you treat people is sometimes not respectful. To me it is not normal. After all these years all I wanted was an honest answer from you other than I can't see a future with you. I deserve that truth don't I? Was I such a bad person that you can't give me the truth? Why did I waste my love on you? Why do I continue to do so? Who are you? Because the person I loved has gone. Please take a long hard look at yourself and think how you have treated me. Would your mother agree? I've found this year so hard and all I needed was for my best friend to offer me support. All he did was leave me at my lowest. I wish I could be indifferent to you but I mainly hate you and love you. There was nothing 'wrong' with me. I was a person. I hate people who look down on others and don't see them as people. I do not like most people because they don't see the value of accepting people for who they are. I want you to be lonely, I want you to learn that the way you behave towards others - especially behind their backs and sometimes to their faces - is not nice. But we live in an unjust world. Tough luck me.

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It's weird, whenever I give you a chance, or even mentally allow my guard down even a tiny inch, you always blindside me with hurtful actions and words. It's so daft of me, but I am continually amazed by how cruel and blatantly spiteful you are. I just don't want to believe someone would willingly and happily be that way. I don't care if I have my slip up's, I will never stop trying to move forward from this. I know we will never be friends. You threw that out the window with your latest antics, and the past alone should have taught me a lesson.

 

Today I had a conversation with a new girl. She asked about my background and interests. We had a great conversation, and then she stopped and told me "You know, you are a really incredible and interesting person, I respect that." I sort of was dumbfounded and laughed a little and made no big deal of it...but it hit me, you never cared about anything I had to say. You would tell me how I never really fully opened up to you, yet would trail off while I was speaking, looking around at others, checking your phone, being rude and completely uninterested in the conversation. I beat myself up over your rudeness. I beat myself up because subconsciously I knew there was no point telling you anything personal about myself, because I knew you weren't even paying attention to what I would say.

 

I always struggled with a feeling like I wasn't worth what other people were worth. I never expected gifts, or being treated royally or taken out...I never expected any of those things, and you made it clear that I shouldn't. Yet as soon as you dumped me, you lavished others, even before me you lavished others. You confirmed my worst fears, and I don't ever want to feel that way again.

 

Space and silence is what will continue to heal me. You always held those things against me, and now they will be my saviors. I will not leave any door cracked open for you to hurt me again. You will have no place in my life to hurt me again. Likewise, I will stay completely clear of your life, and stay entirely away from you and ever contacting you. It isn't my place whatsoever, you are with someone else, and you have made it clear that they make you happier than I ever did. You have every right to enjoy them, and enjoy the fact that you will never have another chance with me again because of this decision.

 

I always wondered what it would take to get me to completely forget the idea of you and me. This is it. I think seeing how low you have continually stooped, finally struck a chord in my brain that under no circumstances you are to be trusted. I initially felt that way when I met you, and now I know that my conscience and discernment was always valid, and I should have stuck with that. I am coming full circle, back to the person I once was in morals, and I know now I just needed healing. You have really tried to convince me that I am damaged goods and am this evil person now, but the fact is, taking a step back and turning around, walking back to what is right, I know I am that same moral girl. I am not worthless like you tried to brainwash me into thinking.

 

I don't think we will necessarily ever be on good terms. I don't think there is any rescuing what you completely destroyed and abandoned. I forgive your humanity, but I do not forgive you personally. I know you knew what was right, and you chose to convince yourself of otherwise and to be selfish. You think you did the right thing, and I know that you have no remorse about trying to destroy my life. That is absolutely not love, that is selfish, and mean. You are the most mean person I have ever met in my life. I think you will continue to be rewarded in life, despite your destructive and selfish lying nature, but it does not involve me anymore because you will no longer have any place in my life whatsoever. The gig is up, your chapter is finished.

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Man. Its been exactly one year since it ended. All those promises left unfulfilled. Wish we met when we were older and more mature. Sadly fate wasnt so kind. We can never look each other in face again. The pain, suffering, and betrayal we caused each other influenced by disgusting spite...somethings are simply not meant to be forgiving no matter how much time has passed. We were ugly to each other even though we had something special.

 

I can still remember the tearful goodbye and the final kiss...knowing full well if we stayed together our minds would destroy ourselves with mistrust and anxiety

 

Im sorry for cheating. I know your sorry for getting me back. Im sorry we met so young.

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Silver,

Why did you contact me? what were you trying to achieve?

I know you have another woman. Contact her instead. Please respect my recovery. You just have no idea how bad i have been and how much i miss you.

I hate the idea of you being with another woman, the idea of her being in your new video.

So why text me when you're drunk and still up, instead of contacting her???

Do you really think i'll jump and entertain you until you go to sleep??

You really are disrespectful and couldn't give a sh*t about me obviously.

 

I'll move on and my life will be happier than yours.

Limiya

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Ok, so now's my turn to post here, lol! so I can't stop looking at my phone. I hate how someone can have that much power over me. One text was all it took to brighten my day. I miss that...and i really miss what we had...the texting, the intimacy..was the best ever. But I need to move on. We weren't in a true classical relationship but to me it still matters. What we had might not have been real and it wasn't mutual, but the emotions were real; I wanted so much more, but you weren't prepared to give me that...so..I hurt.

 

I feel like i'm getting better...slowly...I'm trying to avoid resisting what I'm feeling. I feel however I feel and it will be over soon; I will rise again, but for now, I miss you. I don't blame you for any of this. I knew what I was getting into. I took a chance because I believed in something bigger; something more and was more than willing to take the risk. I'd do it over again too. The pain now is worth the risk so I'm at peace with that at least. I....WILL....RISE!!!

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"Had a good weekend..." hahaha, seriously?

 

Yeah, you keep posting garbage for your "audience" over there on FB. I'm done. I don't want to see your face on social networks anywhere anymore. Pretty proud of myself for being able to realize that I don't need you.

 

You lost everything...I lost nothing.

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I miss you so much. I wish I could just comprehend how we have ended up like this. I really thought I would end up spending the rest of my life with you and it's really difficult not to. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me for you to fall out of love with me. In my head, I just can't get around how you could not care. I don't know how I could see a future with you. I must be the mad one. When someone says to you I love you for who you are including your faults how can you turn that away? I've never had you say that to me. I just felt like an object in the end. It's all I ever wanted. I feel like a big part of me has been destroyed by you. I hope to hell you find your 'right', your X-factor, your person you see yourself with. And I hope that it's a good and long lasting marriage that never takes any work. And I hope you can accept that person as a person who goes through ups & downs. I hope you can listen to that person and not make them take all the responsibility like you did with me. Our relationship for the past 6 years didn't really take much work until the end. I really don't understand you at all. I really feel obliterated by you. How can you tell someone they don't have the X-factor??!! I'm a person not a dream.

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Silver,

Why did you have to text me on the weekend?

Why did you do it? What was your purpose?

Did you just want information from me? You had no one else who would listen to your bullsh*t ranting topic so you text me?

Were you REALLY interested to know how i was? It didn't sound like it.

Funny how you only contact me when you were drunk. I'm not good enough to be contact when you're sober, obviously.

Does your new GF know you text me? I bet you didn't tell her that.

 

Now you have set me back a few stages in my recovery because of this.

I am feeling the grief more sharply again now. Thanks!!

Thanks for nothing!! I'm worth more than this behaviour. I'm worth something real and not this.

I still miss you though. I do want to hear your voice again, but i am trying to accept this and move on.

 

Please don't contact me anymore!!

Limiya

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How could you do it? After four and a half years of being best friends, of being in love, of being an awesome team? Sure, we were in a rough patch - we were both stressed out and faced some problems that we hadn't seen before, but none of it was a deal breaker! Nothing! Or it shouldn't have been. You didn't even fully understand yourself. At first you said you were really worried about breaking up - you were scared of your doubts and I said it would be okay. You immersed yourself in them and didn't even figure out what was wrong with us before you just quit. You just left. After so long, you didn't want to work on things with me, you just left. And said you were confident. How can you even be confident in that? You said you have no negative feelings toward me and there was nothing that I did or said, it just wasn't for you anymore. I find that SO hard to swallow. Honestly, I don't want to believe that's it...I'd would have liked to take a little blame/responsibility so I could have found some solutions to ease a bit more confidence of us into you. ....After 4.5 years and all you can say is "I don't know." How do I move on from this? How do you?!

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The love we shared, what we have been through, the friendship, the companionship, all out the window. How could you leave me for this guy you had just met so easily. How could you brush me aside so easily? How was is so EASY for you? And now, you have the guts to text me when he was not around one night, the night we were supposed to spend together at the beach? You need that much attention for yourself? I thought so highly of you, but now, you are conceding in my memory bank as the woman I loved to the woman I am glad to not be with anymore.

 

I want to thank you. I thought you were the one, the one I could spend the rest of my life with, but obviously you thought otherwise. Thank you for breaking up with me, for opening up my eyes. Thank you for making me a stronger individual, a smarter person, someone who understands how to appreciate and love MYSELF. Have fun bouncing from man to man like you only know how to do, I hope for the best for you later in life, I really do. Because when you are alone, and have nobody to cling to, you will finally know how it feels. And I won't be around this time to pull you out.

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you were the one who initiated it, saying that it would be best for us in the long term. Have you ever asked me about it ? thought of how i felt? You just made that decision by yourself.

 

When you came to me 2 yrs ago, i thought you were healed of all wounds and that you were looking forward to a future with me. Now, you bring out your past and said you couldn't get pass your demons? Were you really in love with me or just stringing me along?

 

I could see you wavering when i made that last effort to take you back. It broke my heart when i heard your last sentence : I stick to my decision. Why couldn't you just take a leap of faith and trust in us? Why are you such a coward?

 

I guess i can't wrap my head around the fact that you wanted to lessen the pain by cutting us off before we delve deeper. I thought we had worked out our future together.

 

I'm so agonized and confused by your decision and reasons for ending it. The worse part of it all is the fact that I know it's not easy on you either. Why do we have to hurt ourselves when we could have worked together? For me to be by your side, to support you. Why can't you just hold on and believe things will become better?

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i had a dream about you last night, it was really weird. we were lying in bed hugging and talking / joking, it felt very real, like i was actually holding you.

 

cant remember anything specific we said, but i remember saying to you "but we're broke up .. " and you replied "i dont want to break up, i love you"

 

then i woke up and you werent there. i guess my subconscience is telling me i miss you!

 

 

oh and btw, when you gave me my dvds back, you forgot to give me my jimi hendrix documentary, but dont worry, i know you kept that for sentimental value.

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It's been 3 days since I broke up with you and 2 days since I emailed you to tell you I want to stop all contact for a while. You listened to my request. Ironically, when I'm going through a rough patch (like I am right now, and it's not just you, but various other things in my life) the ONE person I want to talk to is YOU, the person who caused me pain in the first place.

 

I feel so alone.

 

I hate feeling so jealous of my friends but I do. I'm tired of being bombarded with wedding photos and baby photos, 10 year wedding anniversaries, house and car purchases, etc. Sure maybe they are jealous of me too as I'm always jetsetting off somewhere and having lots of great adventures (alone) but still.. what I wouldn't give for some stability and some sense of togetherness and belonging. I'm tired of doing every single bloody thing alone. I have many nice friends here but I don't have a single (female) friend with whom I feel a special connection.

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I know our friendship has been rocky. I now know what I need to do to make it better. I'm sorry your so frustrated. We were always best friends. Now you want a break? Does that mean you will end up not wanting to be friends? Will you love the time where I am not bothering you so much that you will never give me a chance to show you I can change? I just can't lose my best friend.

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I know our friendship has been rocky. I now know what I need to do to make it better. I'm sorry your so frustrated. We were always best friends. Now you want a break? Does that mean you will end up not wanting to be friends? Will you love the time where I am not bothering you so much that you will never give me a chance to show you I can change? I just can't lose my best friend.

 

funny how similar our situations is.

 

But all I am now is bitter. I am so ****ing angry and bitter the presence of you makes me MURDEROUS. I hate you so much. I ****ing hate you so much. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. How could you do this to me? How could you give up on me like this? After EVERYTHING I did for you? Get out of my life. Please. Just get out. I can't deal with you right now. I don't know why I'm so angry and bitter. I don't want to see you around ever again. You make me so ANGRY I could smash a few dozen plates. How could you? You didn't even give me an explanation. What do you want me to do? I don't know what to do. I feel so angry and jealous and bitter and hateful and devastated.

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Silver,

Our memories keep flooding through my head today. They hurt. But there is nothing i can do about it.

I am accepting it's over more now. My heart is still struggling but it's getting there.

Just the thought of you with that woman is too painful, so i try not to think about it.

I still miss you of course. I dream about you regularly, and you're the first thing i think of when i wake up.

I want to be able to feel nothing about you, but i can't. I know you probably think of her when you wake up.

I am just imagining things and guessing things which might not be true in my mind.

Why did you have to text me last Saturday?? It really hurt me, even though i didn't feel it at the time. It did set me back.

I am trying my hardest to get through this. I just hope to go this isn't one of your stunts where you end up changing your mind and wanting me back.

I doubt it though.

The only thing is that i know i can't text you even if i wanted to. I would have no idea what to say anyway. Even if you text me first.

 

I just hope that me not texting you back hurt you. Made you wonder. Because i always did in the past.

I know you'll contact me again one day, and i'm terrified i won't be as strong enough to ignore it. I know you're bad for me. I deserve someone better.

I just hope i don't bump into you or even worse, with HER! That would be too much and i think it would kill me.

I know what she looks like. How beautiful she is. She must have really done a number on you to get rid of your 6 year relationship. She must be good!

 

I feel sick.

Limiya

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I haven't even spoken to you in 6 and a half months...I kinda hate that you still cross my mind often and that I still dream about you from time to time. Last night I dreamed of you again, I've had a few dreams about you recently but this one kinda stood out. I was with you at your house- although it wasn't your house- I've never been to the new place I know you have but it def wasn't there...and it wasn't the family house that just sold. No idea where it was, just a totally new space. Anyway, I was over there with you, we weren't together, but not so different from any of the other times I had went to see you after we broke up it was us trying to be 'friends' I guess- or something like that. Anyway, your mom was there too as well as your sister and her boyfriend. We were getting ready to watch a movie in your room- like we used to do- you, me, your sister and her boyfriend. I went to the kitchen with you to help you make dinner I think. I spoke to your mom for a minute and she asked me if 'things didn't work out with the person I was dating' I guess this is because I had let her think I was dating someone a few months ago when she and I spoke. So it's still in my mind. I just told her it wasn't anything serious. So I go to help you and for some strange reason you're totally naked. In the kitchen just naked. So strange lol. And I look at your arm where you used to have a tattoo- you got that tattoo the first week we began dating actually- but it wasn't there anymore, instead it was a weird scar. So I asked what happened and you told me you and your dad got into a fight and he did that to you. This is extremely odd considering you and your dad didn't speak and you hadn't seen him in years. I had never even met him during our relationship. So of course you saying this I freak out and was all 'Oh my God are you okay?' and I hug you, pretty tightly and you hugged me back- still naked lol. It felt really...real. The clamminess of your skin as I hugged you, it all felt really familiar for a dream it was freaky. And when I pulled back we kissed very slightly on the lips. It was a short kiss, a kiss to show compassion. And it felt really real. I remember saying I was so glad you were okay. I pulled back and after a minute I asked why he did that and you said something like 'I was trying to take my kid out of school one day and we got into a fight' I just froze. I asked 'You have a kid?' in a voice of disbelief. And you looked at me and said something like 'Yeah well, its a secret. But she's keeping it' And just stood there dumb struck. And then I was jolted out of my sleep with a feeling of sadness and anxiety almost. Its strange because...I can't exactly explain it, but in the beginning of the dream I felt all those old familiar feelings for you when ever I used to see you- nerves butterflies. And hope of us being together- especially when we kissed. But right at the moment you told me you had had a kid- it all died. I suddenly wanted to get as far away from you as I could, and just leave and go home. So strange.

 

I know it makes zero sense. I mean its a dream, dreams don't make sense. Obviously you saying you pulled your kid out of school- and then implying 'she' was keeping the kid- who was obviously not born- didn't match up, but it was a dream so its not suppose to make a ton of sense. And I wonder who the 'she' was- I think I know who I was projecting it to be- the girl you dated after me. Even though I know you two have been broken up, but I still will always feel a jealousy towards her and in my mind that would bother me the most I think. But all I know is the thought of you having a kid with someone else is still something that bothers me. Not like it used to, because I remember having a dream like this about a year ago and it didn't bother me as much as that did. Ironically that dream was the night you and I had spoken last year after like 4 months of NC...it was just a strange dream. And left me with strange emotions. Who knows, maybe you got some chick pregnant. See even typing that still upsets me. Mostly because we used to talk about us having kids. I remember when we spoke about that and you put your hand on my stomach and called me 'mommy' and said you would want our child to have my eyes. And I said I would want it to have your strength. Though now I have- mostly- moved on, the thought of sharing that with someone else still stings a bit. Especially because you wanted to wait until marriage for sex. You made us wait, it was a value you had that I respected, but I guess to know you would go there with someone else...it just hurt. Even though it was just a dream. I gotta get my emotions in check, sheesh- just a silly dream!

Edited by Robin2904
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