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Nynnja
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I really feel like I'm starting to fully get over you. I usually always think about you on my way home from work...today it was different. I can't really pinpoint it, I just felt myself slipping back into that old routine and then suddenly thought to myself- ugh, I'm wasting so much energy thinking about someone who is a stranger to me. Don't know why it has taken me 8 months to finally realize this but better late than never I suppose. Truth is, I can't even remember your face anymore, your voice, mannerisms...there's a faint image I have but its been fading for a while.

 

I guess I was just desperately holding on to you for dear life. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted to hold on to whatever I could, including that false connection I was keeping alive with our memories being replayed constantly in my head. Well now, I don't know...life is taking its course?

 

Wish things could have been different but I have to realize its out of my hands...always was. I was always the one trying, even after we broke up. I got nothing in return, always! I cannot blame myself for why we ended. You chose to be disloyal to me when I was 100% devoted. And now this is the way you want it and I have to stop being stubborn and just go with it, as much as it hurts me.

 

It makes me sad still to know that you acted this way but it has a lot to do with my control issues. I wanted you to be a certain way and I think you did too but you just couldn't. It's okay. I know you tried, but it wasn't enough.

 

I know you're happy so I will not say "I hope you're happy now" in that passive-aggressive tone. You're gonna do what you want and be impulsive and make drugs and money your number one priority. I know when its all said and done you are a miserable person inside and thats something you deal with on your own. Who knows what will happen to you in the future...again, out of my hands, but I'm sure you'll find what it is you are looking for. Another desperate, naive girl who doesn't know any better, and you can manipulate her til you've had your fill.

 

As for me...well, I'm on to better things. Maybe not grand or amazingly exciting things, but something worth being optimistic about. Its been a slow process but I'm getting there. Your support was nice while it lasted but you know deep down you can't be concerned with anyone but yourself. You lack compassion and you are a very selfish person. And its ugly.

 

I hope from here on out I can snap out of this. I know I'll continue to have my weak moments but I hope they aren't as strong, and few and far between. I just wish you knew that I truly loved you and that I genuinely cared for you. I was the best I could have been and I feel like it didn't mean anything. Now I'm going to try to be the best...for me...

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Dear Silver,

I still think about you every minute of every day.

However it's not often about the good times anymore.

I think about all the bad things you've done, and what you've been putting me through the past 4 weeks.

If you truly loved me at any point then you wouldn't have done this.

You should have told me the truth, and not lied to me.

I know more than you realize and i'm not stupid.

 

I can see myself getting over you now. I can seed myself moving on.

It's a big step for me to say it, but it's true.

Even your own mother is disgusted with you and what you've done.

My family and friends are horrified and so am i.

 

I am beginning to pull my brain and head together now, and concentrate on looking after myself.

This week i'll be concentrating on eating properly, even though it all seems like such an effort.

I'm thinking now that perhaps you did me a favour. To let me go now instead of in another 3 years time where there will be even more damage.

 

I know you're keeping to NC because of how devastated you know i was.

I'm pleased you're not breaking it and sending me drunken messages like you used to.

The problem is, without me around, i know you'll end up unraveling sooner or later. Things will start falling apart.

 

I guess what i'm trying to say is, i love you, i miss you, but i will get over you, and i will move on.

Limiya

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Was it only a week ago that I wrote that? What a surprise. I can't believe how far I've come in a week! It's true what they say: distance brings clarity.

 

Looking back on it now, I'm surprised at how much **** I put up with. I was in a world of pain and still I kept holding on. I'm so glad I finally realized it wasn't worth it anymore.

 

You know, I had thought this would hurt more. I thought it would feel like breaking up all over again, but it hasn't been that bad at all. I guess I'd been slowly pulling away from you over the last few months. Killing our connection was nothing like killing the love I had for you.

 

Is that what the break-up was like for you? I couldn't understand how you seemed to move on so quickly. People here constantly talk about how the dumpers spend months distancing themselves before they finally break things off. I'd thought you were different. How silly! Of course you were already moving on. You even told me that's what you were doing. I just foolishly thought I'd managed to convince you that you shouldn't give up.

 

Looking back, I realize you were just going through the motions. You'd let me go long, long ago. And now, it seems, I've let you go.

 

Still, there's a small, vindictive part of me that hopes our roles are reversed right now. That I have cut the cord while you were still hanging on. I know it's petty, but I hope right now you're sad. That you're missing me. That you're missing our awesome, awesome connection.

 

Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. I haven't been obsessing over your hypothetical thoughts this week. And knowing that, I feel freer than ever.

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It's funny, the little things that still remind me of you. I wonder when/if that will ever stop?

 

Today was the first time I had spoken about you in months to another person, well, in person (as opposed to on eNA). It was a little hard. I realized that some of the pain, though no longer fresh, still tugs at me. But here's the cool thing. I did not cry. Yeah, you read that right. I did NOT cry.

 

Ah, progress.

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I just wish i knew what to say to you. Or what you wanted me to say. It hurts me that you send me those signs and it also hurts me when you dont. I feel terrible about those people in your place, those horrible people in the place we built together. They dont like you. I thought you were wiser. Please be wiser. I feel so jealous of you with them. And I keep thinking to myself what should I say to you to make it ok. I ended up saying nothing maybe hoping it would kill you inside and make you try harder but I guess it didnt. I guess it sent you the message that I dont wanna talk anymore. And maybe thats it. If you dont want me anymore its best that I feel this pain of not hearing from you. I wish so much you wanted us to be together. That you contacted me for us to be together. But if this is not true then just let me be. I guess thats qhat youre doing now and this pain im feeling is what comes with it. There I go again.

I just wish you really wanted to work things out.

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I watched this movie tonight called bachelorette. It was terrible, but the one girl in it, she reminded me of me. She met up with her ex from at the wedding because he was there and he ended up telling her how sorry he was for everything, that he loved her and that they were meant to be together. I cried a lot from that. When i saw the scene where they kissed for the first time, i imagined being in her place, and you being in his. I think in that moment all i would be able to do was tell you that i missed you and how happy it would make me to know you wanted us. I imagined how happy i would be.

 

I wish life were like the movies. I wish you'd miss me, and come back and fight for me. I wish you'd actually believe we were meant to be.

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I want to apologize for the way I acted this summer. You asked for space, and I didn't respect that. I chased you. I justified it in my head by thinking about the breadcrumbs you left me. Although I think it was wrong of you to give me hope while breaking up with me, I think you were just trying to be nice. You were probably being honest. I also told myself that you had to fight for something if you wanted it. You know that patience was never one of my virtues. I'm working on that.

 

It's upsetting to think that I pushed you away in the end. You were the girl of my dreams. I've never felt so excited to be with someone. I don't know how we only dated for a year. In reality, we dated for much less than that. Maybe about 9 months. It started to go downhill from there. Those first months were by far the most amazing months of my life. The first few months after the breakup were the worst of my life. Not only because I was depressed, but because of how I acted.

 

Anyway, I hope you can forgive me. I hope you don't think I'm crazy (can't blame you if you do!). I wish I could tell you all this, but I can't. Maybe one day you'll let me.

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Hey. I saw your sister today and it wasn't anything I was expecting. I didn't even recognize her, she gained so much weight and what is up with her teeth. Meth addict?? Nah but something happened.

 

I took her to lunch because she looked hungry and she talked. Alot. I'm sorry you cried for me all those months if I am to believe her. I wish hadn't said that because it made sound so weak. You cried for me and your sister hid your phone and credit cards because you wanted to come see me but you ran back to another man's arms to console you? I don't know the story and your sister put away quick a bit of food. Is she homeless? I remember the snotty girl that wouldn't take the time to know me and yet I'm feeding her. I guess the mighty do fall hard.

 

Well, I gave her a few bucks and told her that I re-married and have a baby due in a few months. That should keep you from ever coming my way. Man, I lost a lot of time getting over you and now I wonder the purpose of it all. Humble me or a life lesson that we all must experience??

 

Bleh. Your sister needs help. Better come get her and do something. It isn't my problem any more. Bye.

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I am sorry you are in so much pain over our breakup, but you are the one that caused it. You are the one that left me because you wanted freedom. Now you cant even see a picture of me without unfollowing mutual friends on instagram, a month and a half later... if you are in that much pain over a decision you made.. perhaps you made the wrong decision.

 

Look, my kid is awesome and will always be important in my life, but so will you. I always made you equally important. If you need to live life now and experience then things you feel you will be to old for in 8 years when my daughter is grown up then go do it. You always said even if we broke up we would stay friends, and even though you dumped me I am here for you as a friend. I would love it if down the road we reunited.. but if we dont I will always consider you one of the most important people in my life.

 

I have the career I have because I met you, I learned how to be a father to a little girl because I met you, I learned how to be the man I am today because of you. You will always be special to me because of that. Please dont lose sight of who you are and find your way back into my life one day.

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I kept away from here for some time. I have been doing well but sometimes after this weekend thoughts came in very hard. I am wondering what you are thinking. This cannot be as easy as you make it look. When you pick up our son it's like nothing ever happened. I pleaded with you and have told you of how much you mean to me. Why do I think it will change anything if I say it again ? I so wanted to talk to you yesterday, but kissed my son and said bye instead. Having a strange few days, another day off work also. This cannot continue like this for much longer. I have done what I can to cut the cord, but ****, I actually love you. If I could hate you this would be easier. There are many reasons why I could hate you, but after all of it said and done I still love you. I am thinking of you, I wish you love and bliss...see you next time we , I don't even know what to call it...Share our child. I miss you...more than you will ever know....

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All day today i have been feeling more level headed, and not constantly thinking of you.

I didn't have the sickening feeling in my tummy any more and i was so relieved to feel almost normal again.

Of course, now the day is moving on, the feeling is coming back. I'm thinking of you more, and missing you more.

 

I am doing my very best to get through this. I won't be over this for a long time.

However, i am always waiting to hear from you, even though i know i won't.

I keep thinking of that other woman you told me you're not dating. I still think you are.

My brain won't let me forget things or stop thinking about you for long.

 

I'll get there though.

Thanks for wasting 6 years of my life with false promises.

Limiya

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I keep telling myself that I should spend more time away from eNA, but I really love this thread. It helps me a lot to get my thoughts out... to pretend that I'm sharing my thoughts with you, even though I know you will never see them.

 

There is something that still confuses me. Even after all this time, even after everything you put me through, when my life is falling apart at the seams, I still... I still want to talk to you. You don't even have to be here. I just want to be able to pick up the phone and pour out all of my thoughts to you, just like I used to.

 

I don't understand why this is. You made it perfectly clear while we were together that you had no interest in listening to my problems. You were only there for me when it suited you. So why doesn't my Lizard seem to understand this? To her, you are still my safe haven. You're still the rock I can bury myself beneath to hide from the ills of this world.

 

Silly, Lizard. Can't you see that he's not a rock? He's merely a leaf, and the wind will blow him away before you can even blink.

 

Maybe there's something she knows that she's not telling me. I wonder what it could be?

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I feel like I've lived in fantasy world for a long time. When we went for our first valentine's day date I remember thinking that I'd marry you. What a joke. I'm so annoyed at myself for only focusing on the good stuff between us but that is how I've been brought up. The way I've been brought up has led me to believe that family is the most important thing and that I should be accepting and forgiving. I was just myself and the message I get from you is myself isn't good enough. I hate that I can still love someone who thinks that and it really scares me. It makes me think that I'm not a good judge of character. I hate what's happened. I hate that after 6 years you can't even be big enough to give me an answer about what's happened. Do I mean that little to you? I dearly want someone to throw you away like you do other people. I know I'm old fashioned but I would feel really bad for dumping someone after 6 years without trying to work things out. I'm too sensitive and can't understand that you care much more about yourself. I'm really scared because while I know people change from my experience they don't change that much. Which makes me wonder who I've been with all these years. How can you just not care? I just don't understand how you could turn out to be such a coward. To not be straight with me. You knew I loved you with all my heart. I'm fed up with this.

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Nights are the hardest for me. I miss you and I don't even know why. I just miss your smell and you holding me. I am in denial and still think you will break up with the new girl and confess your undying love for me. Sometimes I think you know I would come back in a heartbeat and that's why you're not hurting as much as me. You aren't feeling the loss because you know I am still yours and will come back to you like the doormat I have been for the past 6 years. I still think about you every day. I hope I cross your mind too.

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My fuzzy cuddley mert. I miss your arms around me, i miss the nicknames, i miss your snoring and watching you play games, especially on dead space when you jumped all the time. i miss your honesty, and the way you could tell me off and tame me when i was being cranky. I miss our petty little arguments, i’d just laugh now, i was always so dramatic, they seem so silly looking back. I love you so much. It’s you, it really is you, there’s no denying it. I’d tell the world, i’m in love with you, and i always will be. I don’t want to live in a world where you aren’t there, even if we’re not talking, i’m so thankful you were in my life. You made me the person i am today and i can’t thank you enough for giving me 4 and a half years of your time. i know you don’t see me being in your life ever again, and i know i won’t be, you and everyone else is against me, and i don’t blame them. I wish i could just leave you alone, but i can’t. It’s hard giving up on someone you love, you made it look easy. God i miss you, i miss how intune with each other we were, how we had fun and found silly little things funny, i miss drawing you little pictures, i don’t know where the scrapbook is i’m devastated This time next year i’ll be gone, so tell me you hate me and make it easier for me please, i’m begging you. I was making so so much progress at the doctors, and in this one week i’ve broken down so many times. I’m trying so hard not to be the old me. It’s hard pretending to be strong, i just want to collapse into your arms and cry and be your little baby. I want to fall asleep in your arms just one more time, that’s the dream.

 

Thankyou for the good times baby, i’ll remember them for the rest of my life.

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You implied when you left I could just sleep with anyone but you had to love them... It’s funny how 2 months later I haven’t had sex but you’re shacked up with someone.

 

I’m glad you broke up with me. My life’s awesome right now and yours is going to be the same for the next 40 years... enjoy!

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Dear Silver,

I miss you today. I woke up missing you. I went to bed last night missing you.

I miss feeling your arm around me in the mornings. The way we would snuggle together for a while before getting up.

The stupid noises you make to me, the nicknames you gave me. I miss it when you would scoop me up like i'm a little dolly.

I miss you!! Just you. Your soul.

I miss you big kissable lips, your beautiful eyes with the longest eyelashes i've ever seen!

I am still so in love with your smile. You should smile more often.

 

Today is a bad day for me. I know this was for the best, and i know you said one day you would like to be friends. However for my own sake i don't think i could allow that.

I hope you're able to work on your issues as you have lots of them. You're better than you were before though.

Please know that despite any problems and flaws, i loved you despite them. Unconditionally. I always will.

 

Lots of love,

Your Thing!!

Limiya

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I hate how having good experiences in my life makes me think of you. Today I started volunteer work at an animal sanctuary and got to feed baby squirrels. You love animals. I wanted to tell you that. And now I want to curl up in bed with you and watch an Alfred Hitchcock film. Did you lie there before being empty. I know you are a different person to me and I know that you have to do what you think is right for you but I love you. You've really broken my heart. And practically I don't see how we could ever go back. I hope they're worth it. Poetry has no place for a heart that's a wh**e.

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It's a constant battle... Life is a constant battle without you. A constant battle, between remembering and forgetting. I remember how you said that you could stay like that forever when you held me in your arms. That I was your world, your life, your most important person. That you want to spend your life with me, would no way leave me. That your biggest dream is getting married to me. But I also remember how just recently you broke it off out of the blue. How you threw me away like a piece of garbage as if I had never meant anything to you. How you left me behind and didn't even care I was having panic attacks despite all your words of eternal commitment. I remember, and I'm cursed by these thoughts. Once your world, now a mistake? Once your everything, now nothing? How could you hurt me like this when I always loved you, cared for you, did nothing wrong to you? How could you break your promises, or why did you make those promises if you weren't going to keep them? Was it that easy to let go of me, to erase me? Never would I believe that you would turn out to be so cruel, selfish and unreliable. I'm a mess... I'm a mess right now.

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Been so long since I came here. I'm for the most part over you, though I feel like a part of me never actually will but still I've moved on for the most part and I don't obsess over things all the time like I used to. Haven't spoken to you in 6 months or so since the last time I was at your house, though I did see you back in May and ignored you. I think I finally realize this is it- I'm really never going to see you again or hear from you again. I'm happy I'm no longer going to put myself in the position to potentially see you. Just starting over completely. I've gotten a little nostalgic recently. I know the house finally sold and you've moved into your condo. It just feels weird to me, knowing the house isn't yours anymore, that you don't live in that town. I don't know why it makes me sad, it was your house, not mine- but I feel like in a way it was part of my memories too. And in a way I guess even in the back of my mind it was always like- the house will always be there, "maybe someday I'll go back and visit..." but now it's like soooo much is different. Too much is different. So I guess it makes it more real- not being able to 'go back' in a way- even though I know that wasn't even an option when you did still live there. Things are changing for me too, I have some big stuff of my own coming up- just makes me realize how different things are.

 

I do still think about you though, wonder where you are, if your alone in the new place. Talking to your mom last month about things probably got me thinking about you more then I had been. I know she emailed me because she wanted you and me to talk again. I felt a little bad but I had to let her know that wasn't going to happen. She means well, I know she's always going to want us to get back together. I guess that kind of makes me feel good because she does know that I was the best girl you ever had. I almost feel bad for her because she has a lot of guilt where we are concerned. So I guess her getting in touch with me and telling me you finally were moving to the condo was her way of trying to get me back into the fold. I wish she didn't though because I'd much rather not know. But I led her to believe I was dating someone else- it was easier that way, I know it probably hurt her a bit because she got emotional...but definitely for the best.

 

I remember when we were together we looked at one of the condos in the building you moved into together- though I know you didn't wind up with the same one. I remember when we actually thought we would live together there, for a short minute. That was so long ago. What a joke. I hate that you moved to that town too, that was my favorite place- it kind of ruins it for me. I always want to visit but now I never want to because how weird would it be to run into you? I wonder if your lonely now that your not at home anymore- your by yourself-or have you found a new girl to keep you busy? I'm sure you have, because that's just how you are. Its okay because at the end of the day, when all is said and done and all the girls come and go, in my heard I still know I was the best one. And I think you do too, deep down. It was your birthday last week, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder about you. At the end of the day I wish I could wish you well and be happy for your. I'm not sure I do, but I don't wish you bad. I guess that's the best I can do right now. Eventually maybe I'll get to a point where I'll be happy for you...maybe....maybe not.

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