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Today was an ok day. I was not stressing as much, and my stomach didn't feel as painful as it's been for the past few weeks.

But for reasons unknown to me, i'm starting to feel emotional and hurt again, remember what you said to me when we broke up.

How i know you just don't want me anymore.

I'm trying to stay strong, and i think i'm doing a good job so far, considering 6 years being with you.

I still miss you every second of every day. I think about you every minute maybe more. I love you still with all the pieces of my broken heart, yet i know things will never be the same again.

I want to get angry, i really do.

One day you'll contact me, i know you will. But when? i don't know, and i'm not going to wait for it.

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It's been almost a month since the break up and No Contact. It is true I love you, I miss you, I am a wreck. The calm before the storm is over and I am feeling it now. I thought about call you on your birthday coming up but I am not ready to for that. I've been keeping myself busy and meeting new people but it's just not the same right now. I am depressed over this break up. I never cut the cord with someone like this before it drives me insane. I would take you back if you wanted to come back but lets be honest here, you haven't tried to call me in the past month I haven't tried to call you as well and I guess that is just life. You know the moment when I said "I am falling in love with you" I truly ment it. 200% I did. No a month of you out of my life i am still alive, still working, still healing and still trying to get over you. I love you, I respect you, I will forgive myself one day....



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I can't believe only half a day has passed. My emotions have been all over the spectrum today, and it's only been a few hours since I woke up!


Initially I was anxious... then downright frightened... and eventually it became elation, relief, anger, contentment. If I'd thought the past few months were up and down.... this is the condensed version.


I was feeling pretty down a little while ago. I wasn't really sure why. I feel that an immense burden has been lifted from my shoulders (and more importantly, from my heart), so I know I made the right choice. I guess I'm just in that stage of overthinking and second-guessing.


I know I did the right thing because I finally did something for ME and not for YOU. I've let thoughts of you run my life for far too long. I realized long ago that I lost myself when we were together. I thought I'd been taking steps to find myself again, but I see now that was not the case. I was still worried about what you would think, trying to please you, trying to keep you in my life even though it was extremely taxing to do so.


I feel liberated. No more am I that pathetic dog sitting at your heels, whining for scraps or a pat on the head. I'm my own person now. And I finally get to figure out just who that person is.

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Are you hang out with giant girl tonight? having dinner, watching movie? went over to her place? does she offer you a cake? ***!!!!!!!!!!!!


You said she is not your type, why u keep on contacting her?? She said you are shorter than her, why she called and ask to hang out?? WHY??? you two bulsh**ing me or WHAT?? WHY?? WHY?? the moment you told me you met here again and more in contact now Im already hurt, the moment I talked to her and you called her I am totally hurt and then you call just to shouted at me to leave her alone, I am indeed extremely hurt! I just want to know the truth if there is something going on between u two!


I cant believe i ever beg you to take me back! ur a total jerk Ive ever met! I cant believe Im in love with a total assh*** like you!!!! I hope u rot in hell bas*ard! two of u

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I'm so confused by all my thoughts and feelings about us. I don't know if I'm obsessing or learning! I love you. I hate that you couldn't give me what I wanted. That is what I hate not you. I keep trying to define this as right or wrong. You cared a lot about style whereas I did not: these are just differing opinions. We both have valid points. I feel like I want to get to know you again but this time not what I can do for you or you can do for me but as you. I want to drop my bias judgement and just be with you. On a very basic level I miss you. Would you have time to listen if I told you the things I'm learning. I am proud if me and want you to be proud of me. You don't have to be though do you? That is a standard for you that I have set because I am proud of you. Acceptance is tough.

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I'm still missing you. Still thinking about you.

I still love you. I don't hate you.


I hope you're happy. I hope you one day realize what you have lost.

Don't let anyone take you for granted. I never did. Don't go and pick women who will walk all over you, even though i know you like that.

They won't respect you. Don't just go for the older woman with money who will treat you like a child. You're a grown sexy man and don't need another strong mother figure in your life.

Find someone who is kind hearted, loving and sensitive to your needs as well as her own.

I know i'm not the one for you, because you told me so.

I just don't want you to waste years of your life chasing your music career and missing the opportunities to really settle and have a happy family.

I will always have a place for you in my heart, but i'm trying to grieve and move on.


Love you,


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Deep inside my heart Im loving you, so much!! another part of me hating you for what you did to me. You're the sweetest person Ive ever met, the best boyfriend I've ever had. I miss you, I really do. The fact that ur changed to be the person I dont recognized really upsets me. Come back to who you are. Come back to where you are. The loving, kind, gentle and good person. Not for me, but for yourself. I will always love you all the way, to the moon and back.


I hope you can put your head together and realized everything. I hope you can bring back the love you've taken from me. I dont hope you will have that feeling right now but one day, if you ever think of me and have the love for me again please come and dont take it away ever again because the love that I have for you is for real and will stay with me for the rest of my life.

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Goodness, I'm feeling so good today. I feel a little guilty about it, but I'm just feeling so relieved!!


I don't know if it's because I finally stood up for myself or because I've been crazy busy this week or because people are trying to set me up and get me out there again. (Truth be told, the guy is woefully not my type, but he really knows how to treat a girl right.)


You did something unexpected again. Somehow, you never fail to surprise me. How is it that I ever thought I knew you? It was a nice gesture. I appreciated it, even though I'm unsure of your intent. I almost wrote you to say "thank you".


However, it didn't really play my heartstrings like it would have once. I felt vaguely surprised, then a bit "huh, that was nice," then... not a whole lot, really. To think that as recently as a week ago, this would have sent me into another tailspin. What a marvel.


It makes me a little sad to think that we've been reduced to this. I used to live for the sound of your voice, the feel of your embrace... That's all changed now. I think I could really do without you in my life in any capacity--uncomfortable ex, friend, lover, acquaintance.


It saddens me... yet it makes me feel light.


I wonder what will become of us. I've collected a giant host of stories that I want to share with you. I suspect I may forget most of them soon... Again, unfortunate yet unavoidable.


I hope you are well.

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I know about your fancy woman.

I know what she looks like. She is stunning, long legged, and blonde.

Did you party with her? did she get wasted with you regularly?

You've obviously known her a few months. It all makes sense.

So this is the person you dumped me for. It makes a lot more sense than the bullSH*T you were feeding me.

There is still a possibility that i'm wrong, but if i am. Why lie about her?

You told me she was someone who was helping you out with music, but i find out she works where you work.

Doesn't make sense.


I thought you were better than this. I honestly thought you had more tact. I always trusted you 100%. And some bird has obviously said all the right things and you're off in a heartbeat.

You told me i was the one.


I guess this is a blessing in disguise really. In fact, i know it is.

Fate has removed me from a situation which in the long term would have possibly crushed me.

My friends are supportive, and looking after me.

I'm sure your friends secretly think you're a tw*t, but will never say it to your face.

You won't be able to hide her soon. I'll either see you both, or others will.


I'm trying to move on. It takes time, but i'll end up the better person because of this.

I can't see any relationship, especially this one, lasting longer than a few months, unless you've completely changed your behaviour.

Still, even if you came begging now, i could never trust you again. I could never let you out my sight, and that's an awful thing you've turned me into.

I'd never truly give you my heart.

I did love you once, but my eyes are starting to open now.




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I woke up in the middle of the night. I was seized by this terrible, hollow feeling of loss. I don't know if it's partially the effect of some of the other threads I was reading on eNA yesterday or what, but... I felt it so deeply, the death of our connection.


But!! Maybe this is a good thing. I wanted a clean slate with you; it's part of the reason why I finally declared NC for us. Maybe this is what needs to happen so that, if our paths do cross again, we can truly start anew. I don't want to carry the pain and fear and insecurities and resentment from our former relationship with me forever. As if I don't already have enough baggage!


For the first time in six months, I think I can truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's no turning back now. I'm not dragging your half-limp form behind me anymore. I've cut the cord, and I think any day now, I may hit the ground running.


Oh. I received a text this morning. For a fleeting moment, I thought it might be from you. I laughed at myself a bit after the thought passed. I know there's no way it would have come from you. The really brilliant part, though, was that I only felt the mildest disappointment. Like I said, I knew it couldn't have been you. That never stopped me from hoping in the past, but I can see now that I am learning to leave that hope behind.


I really have done this sooner, shouldn't I?

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The other day, I heard "Seasons in the Sun". I hadn't heard that song in years. It took me a while to remember what it was called, even.


It brought tears to my eyes. I remember singing it as a little girl, knowing that it was a sad song but not fully understanding what it meant.


I think it's kind of fitting for us now...


"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..."


"Goodbye my trusted friend..."

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While I can rationalise my self worth and why our relationship ended and how much of a good thing it is and how much I've learnt. While I am happy the success of our relationship is no longer 'in my control'. I miss your face. I loved it. I don't resent you as a person. I can see why you are you. Better, I can see why I am me. I just really miss your face. Xx

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