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Nynnja
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I loved you with all my heart. I cared about you more than anything in the world. I've always loved you through thick and thin, all of our fights. You had the power to make me the happiest guy in the world, and also you could pis me off more than anything. But I still loved you. And I never stopped loving you. When you truly love someone the way I loved you, your feelings cant just go away, no matter how hard you try. I'll always be in love with the girl I dated for the rest of my life. But that girl isn't there anymore. Sure, sometimes relationships will get boring, or that spark will fade. But loving someone isn't about all of that. That's what dating around is for. I thought you were different. I guess you finally realized how gorgeous you are, and that's what you wanted. I never meant to fall for you as hard as I did. But there was something about you that made me let my guard down, made me want to give you all of my heart, made me want to do anything for you just to make you happy. Please give me a chance..I still love you.

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I always want to fix things. I always want to somehow redeem the situation, even if i've been treated horribly.

 

The fact of the matter is...i've tried everything I could. I tried to be what you wanted, I tried to be there, I tried to save the situation, and it never worked. I always forget the little details because it's too painful to dwell on. But the fact remains, you abandoned me when I needed you most, and then you full on threw me into the line of fire. I'm hurt, I probably always will be. But it needs to be said...I really just need time. Months. Maybe even years. But probably months. I never really gave up on you, even after all of this time. It is absolutely absurd, but even if I have to lie for the rest of my life...I will. I will never say your name again, I will never bring you up in conversation, because there is no point. I can admit defeat, and if you won, they you won, but i'm not going to dwell on it for the rest of my life. You will have absolutely no connection to me for the rest of your life, because you chose that. You chose to believe the worst about me, and forget anything good about me. You used to tell me you couldn't imagine us not being in each others lives, but I know now that isn't the case. That was a lie. You lied a lot. I need months of silence, just time to figure out myself, figure out what i'm going to do. I am still so hurt and want to fix my broken life, but I can't. That is the part that destroys me, I can't fix what was broken, all I can do is just let go and accept that defeat. I really thought I had the power to change things but I don't. I will stay away. I never successfully was able to. A lot can happen in a year. It is time for me to let go, and live in that silence. I need a lot of time to pass. I need that silence, because there is nothing I could do or say to change anything.

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Wow. I hate you so much right now, I could just scream. I would scream, except then I'd have to explain to my housemates why I'm screaming.

 

I hate you so much that I'm shaking. If you were here right now I'd slap you.

 

Mostly, though, I just hate myself. I hate myself for continuing to let you be a part of my life. I hate myself for letting you continue to take me for granted. I hate that I thought we were finally becoming FRIENDS. Because it's obvious we aren't. There's no way in h*** you'd treat your friends this way.

 

Who do you think you are that you get to treat me like this?

 

I.

 

Hate.

 

You.

 

Thanks for tainting the fond memories I had of you.

 

I hope you suffer.

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Ahh.. muck..

 

It's Saturday and I just had a dream about you. Never dream about you but then it happened. Don't recall the details but you were there and I woke up sad and it was PAINFUL!!! Ugh. I did about six miles in the heat and you are still in my head. My stomach feels cold and clammy, like I did something wrong. I wish I had someone to talk to or just drink beer with but no, gotta do this one cold. The job is new and so the place, I don't know anyone here and I'm definitely not gonna call anybody.

 

So what am I thinking? I'm thinking I'll see or hear from you IN PERSON in six months or less. Baby included. I really hope that's my ego speaking as I'm not ready to mess with your life or the baby's. I feel for the poor Dad but he's not so dumb, he's gonna make you pay and you deserve every bit of it.

 

Ugh. I think I'll cook something difficult. Watch a late movie perhaps or maybe go to a ****ty bar and listen to loud music. Don't feel like drinking, just don't want to be alone.

 

I'll be alright. Feel better writing this. Keep busy and get my heal on.

 

Bleh.

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So I just saw the usual. It has gotten to the point where it is comical. Comical and pathetic. I laugh at how ridiculous you and your people are. Awesome tv shows by the way lol. Thats pretty interesting that they're not friends, but whatever. No one ever told me to wait for you, actually you told me just the opposite, as did everyone else. I chose to believe one day you'd see the light, and things would finally be positive...but that's not reality. It's not necessarily reality as in life will never work out that way, rather, it's your choice to make these stupid decisions and ruin your life. I moaned for so long over feeling I ruined my life, but in hindsight...what relevance do those things hold in the future? none, I knew it was all temporary. I just hate change, and it was shoved in my face. It's weird. When I give up, it sort of feels like you won, but the fact is...you're not worth fighting for, you've lost worth, you've lost this prestige I was fighting to keep, you dropped me to the side long ago, and now that will be done to you. I held on to a lot of good thoughts and memories, but for what? i'm not sure. I've discarded many different people before in my life, and it's weird to have the chunk of time I spent with you now thrown away, but I think I needed to just get to that point for so long. You really weren't worth the fight I endured to keep you in my life. You weren't worth it. I regret the time wasted. I don't plan on ever even telling you that in the future, I don't think you deserve to ever have an explanation of why it all just abruptly stopped. You always knew I would come back, I trained you to treat me the way you did, like complete crap. I constantly forgave, and would run back to you, despite knowing better and knowing full well I was being used. I know in the back of your head you expect to hear from me in a couple weeks, and if you don't either way you don't care. You thought it would never end, that you were just too good for me to ever really let go of. Na uh...Not happening. I found the missing part of myself that is entirely capable of shutting out someones existence. For over a year it never stopped, this month, it did. This month was my beginning. Cycles are perfectly capable of ending, once you really decide that is what you want. I will never forget you, just like I've never forgotten other people and some places and areas are still linked with different memories. But I give up on you. I claimed I would never do that. I just don't think you're worth fighting for. I'd rather find someone better.

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I hope your guilt cripples you until you can do nothing but regret what you've done. I can never forgive you for what you've put me through and if I could make you feel every ounce of pain that I feel both emotional and physical I would make you feel it all at once times three. You said you loved me even as you were breaking my heart but if you could just end it like that after over two years then you never felt anything for me at all. I hate you so much right now that sometimes I quiver with the sheer intensity of it. I hope you never find anyone who will love you even close to as much as me. We could have worked things out but you took the cowards way out. If negative energy from one person to another could actually affect their lives you'd be dead by now.

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Hey Silver one,

I miss you. That's the fact of the matter.

I know we're over. I know you possibly don't feel the same, but it doesn't stop me missing you.

I want to get angry, i keep trying. It would help me out a lot more if i was.

I'm just sad, with a knot in my stomach, wondering how i'm going to move on without you.

I'll be ok, i'll move on eventually. It just hurts knowing that out of everyone in your life, i'm the person who loved you the most, and supported you the most, yet i'm the first person to be cut off as soon as your life started too change.

 

What i CAN say is, you'll NEVER find anyone as good, loving and understanding as i was ever again.

Everyone knows what a difficult person you are. No one understands you the same way.

Everyone agrees, and have said so themselves. You don't realize what you've just lost.

If you asked me back today, i don't think it would work. I would never be able to open up my heart to you again.

 

If there is someone else, well i hope she was worth it. She must be bloody special for you to drop a 6 yr relationship for. Does she even know?

Is she as kind as i was?

You'll see me one day and realize what a BIG MISTAKE you made.

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I caNt even explain how much hurt you have put me through. The level of betrayal is beyond Anthony I could have imagined. Usually is write how much I miss you- that much is still true, but I also never want to see you again. The thought both placates me and tears me up at the same time. What's the point?! You don't remember the reasons you loved me before or you would be back. What's he point in hoping you'll realise what you've done? There no point. You're not going to Contact me and you're not going to redeem yourself . I wish you regretted.

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I haven't had a Sunday off in quite some time. I always work on the weekends and it keeps me busy, but today I have off and its making me miss you. I don't know if its you or just having a boyfriend, I can't tell anymore. But I do miss us waking up, you making breakfast, and lounging around while you watched soccer. I miss our quirks. I miss being able to kiss you whenever I wanted...or hugging you randomly...burying myself in your "nook" and feeling that comfort.

 

I don't think you're seriously dating anyone since your profile is still up and you log in everyday. But maybe you are, I don't know, I'm just assuming you're single and it makes me feel a bit better to know that. Hate how I still miss you and you have moved on fully. It makes me feel so pathetic. Days like today I'm flooded with nostalgia meanwhile you are sooo far gone its not even funny.

 

Still have love for you. Don't know when I won't anymore.

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its been a month, I miss you, but it takes two to make a relationship or a friendship. If you want me in your life you need to fight for it at this point.

 

I would love to evolve our relationship into something sustainable. I love you unconditionally, I really do... I want nothing for you but happiness. I hope you succeed in your endeavors in your life, in love, in everything.

 

I wish you would stop these childish games, you said you want to be friends... well lets figure out how to do that together.

 

balls still in your court.. just waiting for you to make a move

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So another deunk texting trying to bring me memories of us together.

I dont know if you want to get some sort of contact or just torture me. I just want you to stop.

Ive been to therapy, i lost my appartment, my job and right now Im starting to pick up the pieces of this broken heart. I had other boyfriends in my life but the way I felt when you broke up with me just teared me apart, i really thought you were the one.

I fell into a deep depression and had my friends and family by my side feeling the pain I was feeling.

It is Not fair that you jus show up in the middle of the night sending me pctures of us and the places we used to go. Its torturing. You dont want anything to work, you are not capable of even talking to me, so leave me alone, let me forget you for once, please.

I know you dont love me and you have no intention of working this out so just leave me alone.

Please. Thanks.

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Football sunday...makes sense why I'm feeling sad.

 

I hated sports. But I would go hang with you and your friends while you watched. I had fun, because you were having fun. I didn't care, as long as I was with you.

 

Now its on, your team is playing, and I keep thinking about this time last year. Despite working a 6 hour shift, I drove to you, did my homework there, because you wanted me to be there with you. I sacrificed so much and you didn't even care. I guess I didn't either.

 

I know you're having fun. I know you're not thinking about me. I would love to know when I will stop thinking about you, because I haven't since January 16th.

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Rebound after rebound. You're constantly in a rebound relationship. I was just another one in your endless line. Please stop telling these guys that you love them, because you don't know what love is. You leave a trail of broken hearts, burned bridges, and ruined friendships in your wake. Perhaps one day you'll realize that THAT is why none of your 'friends' ever want to hang out with you. Sleeping with your clients, married clergy, acquaintances husbands.. maybe THAT is why you weren't accepted into the academy. I may be stupid and naive for falling into your trap, but you're stupid for thinking you can do whatever, whenever, with whomever you want with no repercussion. I wish I never met you. I wish I could erase my memories. I hate loving you. **** you. And **** him too.

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I've been trying really hard to post less on eNA because it doesn't really help me. But today I've been going through things, packing to move, and I keep running accross reminders of you. It's a little maddening. There's the Schuyler Fisk tracks you bought for me off iTunes and burned to a CD. You wrote all of the titles on the CD sheet. It was weird seeing your handwriting after so long. In another box, I found an old birthday card from you. And then, I found the copy of the email you sent my sister, just four months into our relationship. You were asking for her advice because you felt like you weren't supporting me in the way I needed to be supported, and you were hoping she could provide guidance because you felt like you were making my life worse, instead of better. You also asked her to call me more often and check in because you knew I needed my sister, and you knew you weren't enough. -sigh-

 

I remember the exact moment when you gave me that copy of that email. We were having a fight a few months after you sent it to her, and you blurted out, "I sought counsel!" I had no idea what you meant, but I knew you meant you had talked to my family, and I was furious. I yelled at you. I told you not to involve them. I stormed away. You printed the email and gave it to me and told me to read it, so I'd understand. I read it and felt awful because that email was you, trying to be better for me and reaching out humbly to a practical stranger for advice.

 

It breaks my heart to read it now. I didn't even know I'd kept it until I found it in that box today. I started to cry. It's weird to be reminded of times when you used to try, and I often wonder when things changed - when you stopped caring and stopped trying. See, you'd think I'd know because I was in the relationship with you, but for all I know, you were still asking people for advice and still trying to be better, right up until the end. The reason I don't know is because you didn't talk to me about these things, you didn't brainstorm with me about how to be a better us.

 

Four months in, and you were already at your wit's end.

 

I wish I had been different. I wish you had been different. I wish so much had been different. But, most of all, I wish that I could hear from you again. Because I miss you so very much, even now, even 8 months later.

 

I'm so sorry I wasn't an easier girlfriend. I'm so sorry we didn't work. I'm so sorry we didn't make it to forever.

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6 months. It's been over 6 months. I really saw myself in a different place by now. At least, where my life is concerned.

 

Where you're concerned... I never really saw myself in this place 6 months ago either. It's weird. I'm in a sort of limbo. I have managed to knock you off of that d*** pedestal. (yay) But I haven't been able to cut you out of my life yet. You're like that thorn in my paw that I just... can't... can't quite...

 

Have you moved on? Most signs point to yes. But every once in a while... something happens... I think you're not quite there yet. You haven't quite fully moved on. Not that I obsess over that anymore. I don't think I would even begrudge you moving on. I just wish you'd let ME move on.

 

That's the part that gets me. Every single time. I feel like you're moving on, and I'm ok with that. But what if I want to move on? Oh, heaven forbid! And so you continue to sting me. Once in a while. Just to remind me that you're there. When did you become so cruel?

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It's been almost 4 weeks since we had the first 'talk' about breaking up.

I didn't believe you were serious. We had broken up before because of arguments and although there was no argument this time, i felt this was a temporary spasm again on your part.

But you immediately turned cold, refused to call me, or even text me.

You had 'decided' that this 6 year relationship was not for you. Doesn't matter how i felt on the subject, it's all about how you feel and what you want.

I had devoted my life and time to you for the past 6 years and you discarded it like it meant nothing.

How am i supposed to move on from this? How? when you broke up with me in the worst possible way you could have?

No warning, nothing. You were happy, missing me, and telling me you loved me as usual the week before.

 

We have spoken since that first talk, because i just couldn't believe that it was happening. I needed to find out the truth.

You were not mean to me, you were not ignoring me when i really reached out, but you were cold towards me and told me you felt nothing.

Told me i was like a 'sister' to you.

Yet a week later on a text message, you told me i was hot.

 

I know you will never find someone was wonderful, kind, caring, and beautiful as me again.

I don't know what you're looking for. Everyone we know will tell you that what you did was wrong, and you shouldn't have.

MY family and friends are my rock, and always will be. I honestly thought we'd be together forever. YOU TOLD ME WE WOULD!

We had plans

Now they are just yours!

 

I miss you. I love you. I'm hurting!!!

I have never had heartbreak like this before.

I had to take time from work, i have developed a terrible flu.

My life feels over because of you.

 

I'll be ok though. I'm tougher than i look.

You will pay for this through Karma, and one day i won't care anymore.

 

Limiya

Edited by Limiya
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I'm having another moment where I take you off your pedastool: it is nice I don't know if we could be together. I don't think you have much depth. I need someone who is able to put themselves in others shoes and appreciate the beauty of things continually. I found you really irritating some of the time and I don't think I got you. At the beginning I felt like I did but were you just telling me what I wanted to hear. Enjoy pleasing those around you on a superficial level because apparently when it gets too serious you bail. I don't know if you have enough Irish charm to win me back but then again I don't want this charm, I want something real. Note to self: next time go for the shy guy not the odd guy, d'oh!

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We were going to get married and have kids after school. You even wanted to name our first son after my Dad.. You left me to go to Law School and i'll be in PT school, I get it. But you didn't even want to try to make this work. You ripped my heart out and gave me false hope about our future.. You knew all I ever wanted was to care of you, raise a family and be a daddy. You've taken that away from me too you crushed the future that we hoped for. I had even had your ring size and money saved for your ring... If you truly loved me we would have found a way to make this work another 3 years of long distance. I know its hard but its not impossible. I was willing to make this work anyway possible without interfering with school. I told you I would wait and but you don't want me to. I love you and miss you every single day but it also continues to hurt me. I hope we meet again in the future.

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Who are you? I find myself asking this question more and more as time passes. Just who are you anyway? The you of my memories and the person you are now are very, very different people. It confuses me every time I have contact with you because, well, you're a complete stranger to me now. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say.

 

It's frightening.

 

It's exhausting.

 

I just want to give you a call and clear the air. Figure out once and for all who we are. Are we still two close friends? Am I just "somebody that you used to know"?

 

What are you thinking? Why, why, why, why, why do you always keep your thoughts to yourself? I really wish I knew what you were thinking! I'm groping blindly in the dark here. Won't you lend me a hand?

 

If this keeps up... If this keeps up, I'm going to put my foot down once and for all. It's going to hurt. My GOD is it going to hurt. It'll be like breaking up all over again, I'm sure. But maybe this is something we should have done the first time around.

 

Maybe it's time for me to say goodbye for real....

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