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So tonight I was browsing twitch tv..and ran accross someone who you were formerly associated with in a guild...this got me wondering what you were up to. No longer do I have the gut wrenching anxiety about you...in fact the only reason I dug deeper to check up on you was to gauge my own reaction, my own feelings.

 

Surprisingly the only emotion to surface was a twinge of sadness....sadness in seeing you still so thoroughly addicted and consume by that game. We disagreed with the term of addiction, and maybe you're right...but it reaffirmed to me that your obsession was a larger part of our downfall.

 

Maybe one day when we're both a bit more mature and balanced we'll be able to catch up, but I doubt that...and that makes me slightly sad. As they say about addicts...you can't help them, only they can help themselves.

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Im tired of you playing games with me.

I was quiet, by myself and you suddenly showed up making no sense, and kept me around all weekend overthinking your signs. And now you say this live and let die ****, well, convince yourself because I was ok. You were the one who reached out. Please forget my number if you have nothing to say.

Please let me live my life.

I'm over this. Really. Get a therapist.

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THIS time around im not sad..im pissed off. that you used me and try to deny like you had no feelings. you were the one who encouraged it at first when i denied it..i should of kept it that way. im mad because if you were the friend you said you were you wouldnt of let things play out like this..your good at hiding your emotions but i can read through you..have fun "living it up"....you just lost a good guy and im not waiting for you anymore..i dont deserve being treated like this.

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I have always wanted to ask you "Did you regret going out with me?"

 

But I asked myself "Do I regret going out with you" and then I realise, yes. I don't regret having a girlfriend, but I regret having you as my first girlfriend. You strung me along like a puppet and I meant nothing to you. I'm glad I'm over you now, I don't have to be chasing something that doesn't deserve my love.

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I hate how after 5 years, we are still in love, you want to marry me, but you are so scared of the decision because I have a child that lives with me part time that you ran away. You quit, you are in pain now and have made yourself the victim even though you broke up with me. Enjoy your spiritual group that you have misdirected all of your attention into. That doesn't help with healing its just a distraction. I want you, and you want me.. do the right thing and make amends before it is to late.

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I'm a very mixed up person why did you have to mix it up even more? In all honesty I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with you. I've over-analysed it to death! Sometimes the dysfunction comes from me, you or both of us. I'm so confused at how we have been in our relationship for so long if it wasn't right? Part of me thinks there is a certain immaturity on your part but then part of me doesn't. I don't understand what you were waiting to happen because you never communicated it to me. Was it something I could have changed? Or was it within you & your capability to love another? I suspect you've been moving away from me for sometime but I just wish you said something rather than treating me poorly. I know though, that part of my anxiety & depression made me treat you poorly. I really want to work through our problems. When I found you I didn't think you were perfect but I loved you & you made me happy. I am perhaps too simplistic about love & relationships. There is obviously a person out there with whom I will he happy all the time. For me, it was a lot about comfort. I think you thought I was lazy for that? But my parents have been happily married for 30 year & my mum says it's a lot about comfort too. As I've said before I miss the small things: watching tv, going into town every Saturday. I was bored with these things as I was burnt out. I don't know what you think marriage involves because it does involve normal boring things & irritation & arguments. When you say you can't see yourself marrying me I wonder if that's cause we've been together for so long that we already are married. It felt like nothing I ever did was good enough for you. I wonder if you enjoy the idea but not the reality sometimes. You've really broken me. To stay with someone who gave me so many mixed messages & wasn't honest & didn't have enough courage has really broken me. I hope you find your dreams. I hope I find a life that I can be happy with. I can't see it at the moment. I can only see a lonely future. I hate you & I hate myself.

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The weather reminds me of you. How we would wake up together, cuddled under your blanket, put on our hoodies, and go out for a cigarette. You had your morning coffee and I would stay with you while you got ready for work. I absolutely adored you in every way.

 

I wish you wanted me back. But you don't and you told me yourself. I'm trying to forget the pain, I really am. No one has come close to comparing to you or the way I felt with you.

 

"Aint no sunshine when she's gone" came on shuffle...you always said it made you think of me. Doubt that was true.

Edited by soybeans
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I found out that you've blocked your facebook account. I don't know why. The more I think about it, the more I feel that you're incredibly selfish and immature. Breaking up with me for no reason, then going silent. Then completely ignoring me. What did I ever do to you? Why won't you share how I hurt you? Oh well, your loss. You suck.

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Sometimes hate for you is the only thing that preserves me. You are a total d**k. To date me for 6 1/2 years & give me mixed messages about the future. You are a total coward who should have been strong & broke up with me earlier. Yes, girls cry when you hurt them. Man up. You are a total boy. How long have you been with me & not wanted it to work? I really hope you find someone better than me because it will be easy to find someone better than you. My friends queried why I would want to date you. What was I to you? A warm up for the big event? You really need to grow a pair when it comes to confrontation instead of all this passive aggressive rubbish. You use others & those decent people who have tried to help you & be there for you you treat like crap. You're narcisstic & have little empathy. I hate the way you ebbed away my self esteem over the years. I thought this was all me but in hindsight no-one else makes me feel like a t**d. It was always my fault, my problem. If it were my idea you hated it. It's always everyone else's fault. I've never heard you say 'I shouldn't have treated X like that' or 'I can see why X thinks that'. You treat people like s**t unless you want them to like you on a superficial level. You are easily led. I hate you will all my guts & I can honestly say that if you came back into my life I'd question who you were the whole time we were together because I clearly deluded myself when I thought you were a good person. Maybe you didn't care because you actually can't care about anyone but yourself. Your jaw line isn't like Johnny Depp's, you aren't a professional footballer/snooker player/golfer/fencer/tennis pro because (despite you saying you were) you weren't the best at these things and gave up because you lacked commitment. I hope you enjoy your new found sense of freedom & continue to 'learn Japanease' by buying every book on the Internet then never reading them. I hope you resolve your problems with delayed ejaculation. I really hate you now & if you did leave me because you found something better then maybe they can put up with you because a hell of a lot of women wouldn't. I'm unsure where any loving feeling for you comes from right now. I clearly saw some good points somewhere? I am a woman spurned. I'm so sick of thinking it's all me all the time. I hope you're alone in the flat & taking responsibility. You are a d**kwad.

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Why do you play your games? Why text me and be nice after no contact from me? I broke and text you back and was nice, I have been there for you when you were at your lowest ever and you called on me!!! Then you go all nasty and cold again, so I have to start all over again!! 23 kin Years yes 23 years and you treat me like this!! I have to just concentrate on your nastiness now, how nasty you were to me and remember these thoughts! Be careful cos if you fall down again and need someone, be careful because it will NOT be me you hard faced materialistic (yes you chase after money, not feelings!!) ******!! And you say you are a caring person, yes you just care about you, not our kids, not your mum just you. Well I just hope it is a hard sad climb back for you into reality!!

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Today marks exactly 1 month since BU/NC. I must say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself for not breaking it once or reaching out to you. It's been tough, but it's getting easier. I'm slowly starting to see the light again at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday was my first day at work I was happy again without you. It took a lot to get there (since we work in the same job and this job just makes me think of you), but I did it. I hope it keeps getting better. I noticed yesterday you unfriended me on trip it, so now I can't see your trips and you can't see mine. I can understand your reasons for it since I unfriended you on facebook. I'm hoping the reason you did it is because it bothers you seeing my name because you still care about me or something. That's probably not the reason why though. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I still wonder if you're ever going to reach out to me again. I'm a little shocked you haven't after how obsessed you seemed over me and how much you kept talking about a future with me. I guess they were all lies. In time I'll truly know the truth and I can't wait to find out. I'm just thankful I'm starting to see life again without you.

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I don't hate you. I don't think I will ever carry such a negative emotion for you in my heart. I am trying to take you off the pedestal, but I know that my love for you is real because I want you to be happy, with or without me. I hope you are doing well. Sometimes I wonder if you care about me anymore. You probably think about my once in awhile, but I know you don't regret your decision to break up with me. I think we both have a lot to offer, but I guess not to each other. I hope that I can find someone someday who will love me as much as you loved me, and vice versa. I hope that my next love will be when I am more mature, and with someone capable of handling it. I'm kind of sad that I was your first girlfriend, because you learned so much for me, but I am not the one who gets to reap the rewards.

What am I trying to say? I don't know.

I am moving on. I cry from time to time, but healing is healing.

Good luck to you.

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I simply cannot believe you have moved on already. You were the one that told me that you thought we needed to establish a real solid foundation of friendship to have genuine intimacy again. Yet here you are just a few weeks later and you are being intimate with somebody you have barely known for a month. I'm stunned. I'm in shock. You words are meaningless, your integrity is shot. Why, Why, Why?

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I hate it that you have a new girlfriend. I wish you were alone like me still missing me, still trying to get used to life without each other. I hate it that you have someone to distract you from the pain & emptiness... I know she's a rebound because you were so heartbroken, you still wanted me back and but I said no and then you started seeing her 3 weeks later and it stung me so badly. I hate the thought of you having sex with someone else, I'm so annoyed and jealous, she's lucky because you are such an amazing lover. I fantasise about you and hate to think I will never have sex with you again. Did I make a mistake? I dont think I did, you were an a$$hole and you made me cry and I cant see myself with you forever. But I miss you.

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I'm sorry that I can't talk to you about my mum's illness and how it's affecting me. While I appreciate you telling me you don't like seeing me hurt and I can talk to you - I can't. I can't share my emotions or look at your eyes knowing how differently you now feel. You have broken my heart. In the beginning, you said you were unsure about my intentions and didn't think I'd ever want anything serious. I did. And so did you. We decided to make things serious and I loved you very, very much. I had nothing to lose when I met you. But I've lost something now.

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"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part..." -John Mayer

 

I feel this exact way. I miss you so much. I loved you with all my heart and I thought you would never break it. I didn't think you were that guy but you are, and now I can't stand to see you.

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I've felt so numb and detached recently.The good times are the things that pick me and make me smile again, then they make me cry, but i cherish them, and i'm so thankful to you for sharing them with me. I miss you, even if we never speak ever again, if we never smile at each other again, or laugh at weird people, i'll never have a negative thought about you, because you made me smile and feel true love.

Thank you for the good times;

*Sitting on the field farting about with wotsits

*Looking after me when i was upset that night on the beach, your jeans ripping hahaaa

*Our first tram sunday together, with gucci the jellyfish beany baby

*Sleeping in a tent in your garden before download fest

*Cooking at my house, when i dropped my taco thing!

*Watching you set off for work on your bike at silly-o'clock in the morning, waving from the window.

*Doing a pizza slice swap whenever we got kebab house haha

*When it snowed and i fell over in the road

*When it rained on us and we ran to west view.

*Being your co-pilot when you got your car and had to navigate the motorway

*Watching you play skyrim, playing portal together

*Your excited little giggle hahaaa

*Playing hide and seek at guys court

*All the hugs in your kitchen, all the kisses, all the times i got annoyed with you for snoring, but really i shouldn't have because at least you were next to me, you were there and we were next to each other.

 

 

I could sit here all day reminiscing, but i have work, and it hurts to think about the good times. You made me the person i am today and i love you. It's the kind of love that isn't going anywhere.I don't know what i'm supposed to do about that,i miss you so much, you were the love of my life.

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I really miss you. Do you ever think about me? I'm so confused because I thought we had a deep caring and loving relationship. You were my best friend and I have no concept as to how your not in my life anymore. I truly find it hard to understand. Please get in touch with me. Please. Please say that your feelings for me meant something. I miss you so much. I have nothing here at home and I'm really low. I would give anything to have you here with me. Why do you not care? We've been such a good couple for so long. I feel like someone's chopped off my arm. I want to come home. Why won't you let me come back?

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I'm really hurting. It's been two and a half months and here I am, crying my eyes out. Everything reminds me of you while virtually nothing reminds you of me. You don't care about me anymore. You are having so much fun living your life, and I'm still here heartbroken, trying to heal. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel good, and then I come crashing down. I want the pain to be gone.

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I ache, I ache, I ache, I ache inside.

 

I'm not contacting you. I know you're not coming back. I'm trying best. Exercising, keeping busy, therapy. At the end of the day when I come home. I remember you. When I see your name anywhere- and it's everywhere, I ache. I just can't understand and I know I dont have to but you were it for me. And now, as each goes by, as it's even longer and longer since I've had any contact with you, I ache. You were my world. And now I ache as that world has been ripped away And I dot have a world anymore. I ache.

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I miss you this morning. Things are tough. I'm dreading seeing you at work. You've looked fantastic these last few days. I always loved the way you dressed.

 

I'm not speaking to you because I can't handle it. I guess that makes it easier for you anyway. Who wants someone they've rejected pining over them, right?

 

Those mornings we had where we stayed in bed spooning for hours?

 

I could do with one now. I really could.

 

Your feelings may have changed. But mine haven't. I still love you. And I ache for you.

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