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Nynnja
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The thing is, I love because I wanted to & you did but couldn't see it. Our choices are linked to our own pasts & we did what we felt was right at the time. I want to grow show you what you missed but that won't help me will it. I want to grow because I want to be happy. I can't control what you learn from this. I can't control what you do in life. I'm sad because I want you to be happy & I'm not sure if you will be. But you are responsible for that. I wish you could see me think like this because I know you just wanted me to be happy. I want what's good for you and if that's not me it's not me. We've been on such a journey, but in the end we are still the only ones we have to live with, I can leave you with love or hate. I choose love but that will fade in time. (I'm now waiting for the ball breaking depression that follows this clarity - ah mood swings).

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I want to ask you how long it took you to start getting over us? Because I feel you did it while I was still there. I noticed you started to do more stuff on your own. I was a little annoyed went we could have done something together. Was it a year, 2 years. Did it really only end because I had the strength to walk out the door & go to my parents? Then you could break up with me by text & over the phone? I pray, pray, pray that you haven't formed a special emotional attachment with Mona but it feels like you might. I'm scared if you have cause then I know you're gone forever. I am going to contact you in a few weeks to try and gain some closure on what this has been but I need to do more to build up my life at home first (volunteering) so I won't want to kill myself when you come back with some ill thought out it's not meant to be speech. I hate you & I love you. I wish you were in bed beside me now like the past 3 years. I've graduated from not sleeping on my side to the middle now. I still miss sleeping in your arms. How long have those arms been hugging me & not caring. Scotty, I miss such simple things about us: Fox's biscuits, shopping at Tesco's, cups of tea, being attacked by caiques when drinking said tea. How are my babies? Do they look for me? I miss the balding bit of your head & how I would kiss it. Remember your granda getting me pissed all the time at your graduation? How can you appreciate all our special moments & want to throw it away? I pray that you miss me, even if you do have a new flatmate now. I pray that you realise that I'm 'right' for you.

 

I'm starting to feel happier in my life back home. If we do go our separate ways I'll be able to live here & be happy. I know that the Scott I grew to love is still in there somewhere. Work has made you a lot harder. I pine for you so much. It feels like you've died. I thought today that we may never meet again & I was so sad. I thought maybe we'd meet in the afterlife (although I don't believe in that) and give each other a hug. Love to Harry & Evie. The guinea pigs are in heaven here! Xx

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Have you forgotten me? I miss you still. I'm trying my best to recover, but I still think about you 100 times a day. I genuinely miss you. I always thought of you when I heard this quote "Hes more myself than I am. Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same" but you've gone. And forgotten this great love. I know you Aren't coming back. I just wish you'd regret it. X

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You've received flowers from me today, even though you broke up with me to find your independence. I'm heart broken yet i try to be civil and polite. All i feel from you is hatred. 3 1/2 of life just put out of your mind... those flowers i feel sorry for, because i know they are in the bin. I couldnt care less for the money i exchanged for them, but the life of those flowers were given to you and i know where they wil end up.

 

i am not going to belittle myself anymore, although i have suffered greatly in this breakup, you will suffer the most. You had me, a man who took so much pride in walking next to you. I Looked up to you all the time, and I also taught you everything you didnt know. I was in heaven with my soul mate. I would of done anything for you. You have lost all of that. You have lost me. I was your 'one'.

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I miss you so much. It's really hard to cope without you. I've lost a big part of my identity: you, my job, my city, our friends & pets. I'm very grateful for my family & friends. I don't know what to believe about life anymore. When J was with you I wanted children & marriage & stability but now I don't know. I'm not sure I'm a strong enough person to deal with these things. I never thought I'd be your practice before the main event. I always treated you as the main event. I just don't understand anymore. I'm still in shock. You are my security blanket ripped away. I always liked the Ellsworth song beloved monster & I can't believe you're not with me to fight. Us against the world? I'm so lost

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It's been 16 days since you ended this and we last talked. Do you miss me at all? I miss you every single day. It's hard to work and focus nowadays. Work makes me think of you since we do the same thing. I miss talking to each other about our days. I miss my best friend. We both really thought we came into our lives for a special reason at such a surprising time in our lives... I don't feel you came into my life to only leave months later. What changed??? Timing... I know... but will it ever be the right time for us? Will you ever want to try again and have a fair second chance? Do you realize with our work schedules, we will be working near one another in a couple of weeks? I don't know if you saw the schedule but I did. I want to reach out to you so badly but I don't think I should. You ended this and the ball is in your court to reach out to me, if you ever want to talk to me again. I wish you cared enough about me to reach out. I thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me... was everything you said to me lies? I wish I could have answers!!!! I hate this empty feeling.

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Uz je to rok co nie sme spolu a mna to boli stale rovnako. Obcas ma premoze strasna obava, ci ta vobec niekedy prestanem milovat.

 

(It's been a year since we're not together anymore and it still hurts me the same. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with the fear, if I will ever stop loving you.)

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I hate that i haven't heard from you. Are you happier without me? You probably are, i know you are, because if you weren't you'd be back by now i'm sure. I guess i'll continue trying to live my life without you being even a tiny piece of it, but i still hope that one day you'll be back. I felt like you were the one when i met you, i still feel that, i just hope fate brings us back together, as better people. I still love you, and i think of you every second. I hope either you return or eventually i don't think of you at all.

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I shouldn't have done it but I looked at your Facebook. You look like you're having a really great time without me. You're being the person you always wanted to be without some depressed whinger holding you back. I wanted to be with you because I feel these people are my friends too. You seem like you're getting on well with M. I just thought you might miss me & our life together. I'm a lot happier now & a lot less stressed. I hate that you are already so over me that you are getting on with your life. I'm so hurt that you can just move on to another girl so quickly. It feels that you had it all lined up & just needed me to leave. I want you to be happy but I'm so hurt that it's without me

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I had a dream about you last night, that you came back to me and wanted to work on our relationship again. Yet, in my dream I told you I wasn't ready and that this was a good idea to focus on ourselves. I'm already in that place that I understand your reasons for ending it because we do need to work on ourselves before we can be in a healthy relationship. We both went through a lot in our past and never got to regroup from all of it. Yet, with that being said, I miss you terribly every single day. I'm trying to do everything I can to remove you from my memory. I changed all my music... but when I'm in the car, they play all those songs we were just listening to together only 3 weeks ago Do you realize 3 weeks ago we were enjoying a mini vacation together? Do you ever think of that? Do you remember that this weekend we were supposed to take a trip to Chicago for Labor Day weekend? That makes me so sad... I still check your friends Facebook to see if there are posts with you or if you post (since I unfriended you) and it's torture. Why do I do this to myself? I saw you posted this morning about going to some bar or something. It hurts to see you are moving on and doing just fine... when I'm sitting here hurting and missing you. Do you ever miss me? We became best friends and confided in each on so much. I guess you could care less about all that we shared...

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I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to give up hope when we mutually agreed that we both need to work on ourselves before we are ready for a relationship. It was so much easier to move on from my x-husband who cheated and left me for another woman after 11 years and a son together. Why is this so much harder after only 9 months? I know I need to let go for my own sanity but I can't seem to figure out how to do that, we can't seem to go more then 4 days without talking. I wish we would have met after we healed from our last relationships. This is so ****ing hard! My heart hurts! The uncertainty of the future scares me. I don't want to still have hope for us if you don't. I am focusing on myself most of the time and working on the things I know I need to work on for myself but I can't help but wonder if you have hope left in your heart for "us" someday in the future. How do I let you go when I don't feel we have finished writing our story yet? How do I do that? Please just tell me how..... Can I let go just for now? Maybe I can do that but I don't think I can let go forever.

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I'm up way too early missing you. I keep checking my phone and hoping your number will be on my screen when it lights up. Why aren't you missing me? Why is this so easy for you? I crept on your sisters facebook, not that we're friends or that i can ever see anything but it just brought me back to the beginning when things were good and your family loved me. I miss you so much, please come back soon.

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I think you have narcistic traits & I played to that because I was very giving. You never seemed like you were proud of me. I thought this was my problem but it was yours. When I got better marks than you in 4th year you said it was because I had better exam technique. There was no 'I wish I'd studied harder' from your end. That's odd. You said that I wasn't stylish, which again played on my insecurities, but when I did look stylish you always queried who I was dressing up for. I didn't like your dress sense sometimes but I accepted it. Wow. You wanted a hair transplant which I never understood as I said I'd love you even if you were bold. You didn't care. You were however self confident in your ability in your job, self confident in sport. There never seemed to be much worry. When your friends had issues with you it was always their fault. By the way, very few people think you have a similar jawline to Johnny Depp.

 

Your everyone's friend, the good guy but when it comes down to it there is actually little depth there. You cannot express negative emotion very well. The thing is you come accross as being very vulnerable but you don't let people help you grow.

 

I think my issues of low self esteem played to all of this. I hope you come to realise that I am a very kind & understanding person. I hope no one else let's you treat them like I did. I'm worried for your new female victim. Will it happen again or will you have learnt from me? She seems like a very nice individual who will support you through our break up. Please treat her with respect because I'm not sure she can command it very well.

 

You are right. It wouldn't have worked but it's not been as much my fault as I thought x

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Feel like a stuck record, but flitting between 3 things, missing you, feeling sick at what you did an not wanting anything to do with you, and that strange feeling of how weird it is you dont want anything to do with me anymore. I feel empty right now. Guess i'll just push through like always

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Again?! Really? Another early morning that i wake up before the birds and i'm thinking of you. I just miss you generally, but then i think about how big of a dbag you were, but then i think of how lovely you were, and how the beginning was. I don't know. I just have this gut feeling that we aren't over, that this isn't the end, but i feel like it's the end for a long time. I don't know if that's me holding on to hope and in denial (probably) or maybe i'm right. I always think about what that psychic said, that it would be hard and painful, but worth it in the end. I'm just so confused. I called you this morning, blocked, just to see if you've unblocked my number yet...you haven't. I wonder how long things will stay this way. I don't want to miss you anymore, i don't want to be up at 5am thinking of you, because i know you aren't doing the same but god i wish you were. I wish you'd come back or feel the torture i feel. I keep getting this other gut feeling that you're talking to someone, probably her- who you always were interested in and went to- i hope not but i feel like you might be.

 

In this moment in time, i just want to kick you in the face for all of this. You're selfish, and you're immature, and i hope one day you realize what you lost. I PRAY you do.

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One of the hardest parts, as time passes by, is seeing more clearly what the problems in our relationship were and also seeing how they could've been fixed. I am really beginning to realize how hard it was to see the truth of our relationship when I was entrenched in it. But now? Now I see where I could've done things differently and where you could've done things differently. Like, you always talked about our lack of shared interests. We had some things in common and others I tried to cultivate an interest in, in order to bridge the gap. But now I see that some of those interests you had and wanted to share? Could've been shared with a friend. We both needed more friends. You would often bring up my lack of friends... but really you didn't have many either. I wish now that we could've gone off and done our own thing in order to enjoy those interests and then been happier when we were together. I wish so many things.

 

I imagine it must be easier when two people just aren't compatible at a basic level. But we were. We had similar views on religion, politics, marriage, parenthood. Yes, we had differences too, but who doesn't and they certainly weren't insurmountable.

 

But, at the end of the day, one fact remains: I tried and tried and tried, and you didn't. Not in the same way and to the same degree. I was more invested in our relationship. For you, perhaps it was just a way to pass the time. I don't know.

 

I just wish things could've been different. I know we could've made this work. I know we could've been great.

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