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Nynnja
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Not sure if going out on a date with someone new at one of our favorite restaurants was the best idea. It's like I'm just setting myself up for failure. I don't know why I try to "override" our memories or something.

 

But whatever. The date was a total bust. I had to drive through your town to get home and I purposely made a detour. I can't be by your apartment, I would feel so creepy and most likely burst out crying. Haven't been anywhere near it this whole time, not about to go now. Even the street I took a detour on had memories though...the shop we always went to for cigarettes...the street we walked around on. Anyway, I feel so discouraged because I can't find that connection again with someone. He was clearly very into me, I just wasn't feeling it at all. And somehow, you always come up.

 

Ugh, if you only knew.

 

I miss the old you. I don't like who are you now, not at all, in fact you sort of disgust me. I know change is inevitable, I just wish you didn't turn out that way.

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I'm really feeling angry at you right now. If I saw you, I'd want to hug you then rip off your glasses & stamp on them!! Then I'd laugh because you're going bald, which was always fine by me but your ridiculous idea of a hair transplant wasn't. Then I'd give you a good hard kick in the balls to make you man up!

 

I hope you do realise how much you miss me. We were going through a difficult time & you bailed. Hope you find greener pastures. Enjoy emptying the bin, cooking for yourself, cleaning the animals, cleaning the loo, buying toilet roll. Enjoy paying bills - especially the council tax.

 

I hope your arrogance is your undoing. I was thinking of saying maybe this episode would bring you closer to your dad but I've realised that your dad stuck with your mum while she was suffering. I wish I'd had more self respect & kicked your sorry ass tothe curb & long time ago. I find it ironic that those who you stay in touch with have low self esteem. The ones who don't, the ones who helped you talk about your emotion are avoided.

 

I think it's disgusting that you forget people's birthdays & never sent your little sister presents all those years. I hate how you seem to think you're naturally good at everything and I hate how you seem to think you are 'the nice guy'. Sometimes you're not and you always try and wheedle your way out when you're not or become extremely self rightcheous. The appropriate way to listen to someone when they bring up an issue is to listen & take it on board not to try & hug them till they forgive you.

 

That girl you hang around with (not the one you like) is toxic. I feel sorry for her. She is very needy & she uses her sexuality to hook in guys as friends then drops them when she has no need for them. I hated how all you guys used to fawn after her. Well now she's pregnant & engaged after about 2 months and she'll drop you like a brick when she leaves the country. She had you all wrapped around her little finger. She slept with X because she was lonely and yet he still thinks she's great?!?

 

You used to talk to me like a child. That was not okay but you never listened when I asked you not to. You said I needed to be spoken to like a child. **** YOU. I'm sorry I've been stressed about work, I'm sorry I had no self esteem, I'm sorry I'm an anxious person. I'm sorry I changed. You never saw me for the person I was when I was better. You didn't care anymore.

 

I don't know who I am anymore. Work & you have sucked it all out of me. I'm so glad I have my family. I feel like I'm getting back to being myself. I don't know if I want you anymore. I hate you & love you. I think if we could listen to each other and talk about things and work them out together we'd be okay but you can't step up to do that.

 

I'm sorry it dragged on for 6 1/2 years. I wish I'd loved you & depended on you less. I wish I'd kicked your ass a long time ago because you needed it.

 

I hope the grass is greener. I hope you find out what's 'right'. I hope it's all as perfect as you want it to be. I'm a good thing. I'm almost glad you dumped me so I can see who you really are.

 

Edited by HeartGoesOn
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it's been a while since we've talked, february i do believe (when we last had a REAL conversation) and i'm finally moving on once again. you lied to me, did hurtful things behind my back, left me for a guy you got engaged to 2 months after our breakup and all of this happening shortly after my mom's death. i ran to you for solace and comfort when my mom died after 6 months of not talking to you. i was getting over you and BAM, i "needed" you all over again. i'm not codependent anymore. i'm growing having been single since our breakup and you can't grow because you keep hopping from one failing relationship to the next. send me another message and i won't message you back. i need the release.

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I want to remind you that you use to feel the same way about me as you do for him. You probably feel this way at the beginning of every relationship you have started. It is way too soon to be getting married. You should give this some time. I am only telling this to you because I care about you and I want to know that you will be happy.

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Im so angry and upset right now. You played me for a complete fool and let me feel bad about it all. You let me appologise when I was right all along. Right now you disgust me, I hope I can hold onto this feeling because I know i'll get over you alot faster. And no I wont be replying if you ever do get back in touch. How could I be friends with somebody who treats me like that, made me feel utterly worthless an pathetic when really you're the one who was ashamed and tried to cover it all up, and all at my expense. Wow im gobsmacked, but at least now my eyes are fully open. Karma will get you and she will be a *****

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Day 12 of NC.

 

I think I'm healing. Right now, it finally feels a little alright without you. I still can't get a good night's sleep but I wouldn't worry, i'm getting there.

 

Yesterday I went to a meetup group. It's to the Dandenong ranges. Initially I didn't want to go, 101 reasons popped in my head, mainly about how I still feel like I'm unable to move on yet.

 

But I still went and i'm glad I did.

 

I met a bunch of wonderful cool people. I hit it off with a Scottish girl, an aussie and a South American. We had a ball of a time.

 

During the event, I was pleasantly surprised at how many of the guys made an effort to come up to talk to me and some of them are even arranging an unofficial meetup gathering to Rosebud and invited me along.

 

What a boost to the self-esteem. I now know why you love your harem of girls fawning over you. Take that!

 

I haven't established a deeper connection with anyone of them yet but alas don't you worry about that. For there are more worthy, mature and funny guys out there who will not treat me the way you did.

 

Goodbye James.

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knowing that its highly likely i will never speak to you again is heartbreaking. i want to scream at people how hurt i am, but i don't want to keep going on about it. i want to scream at you how hurt i am and do you feeling anything anymore, did you even ever feel pain.... i know you did but not for long. i wonder if you have truly dealt with it in such a short space of time, maybe you have maybe you havn't and maybe it will pop up again later. either option is possible, you have such a big heart but a strong mind at the same time, so logical, you would probably have been upset that first day and then forced yourself to move on. i miss the old you. i miss the old me

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I'm too tired to be the bigger person. You knew how important getting married & having children was for me. You weren't sure I was 'the one' and yet instead of ending it or looking into it you just stopped caring and treated me like crap. You let it drag on for 6 1/2 years. You let me hope & dream that we would be together. What hurts is that I really want you to feel the pain that I'm feeling but I know you won't. You'll just feel relief. You just meet a girl & be so enamoured by her that you'll marry her & be happy. You won't feel any of this pain. I wish I was big enough to wish you happiness but I want you to hurt like you hurt me

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you still loved your ex wife didn't you? Just dawned on me, yes silly naive me.... wasn't one conversation went by that you didn't mention her, well, she' s all yours again now, the only thing is she left you didn't she? then you divorced her, not because were over herlike you told me, because you wanted control of the situation.... well you have now... all yours. Lets see how it all turns out.

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Hey,

 

Im sorry about everything. We havent spoken in so long Im beginning to forget the sound of your voice and that scares me.

 

I know you want me to get over you but i dont wanna forget you. It's just tough cos my greatest source of support and comfort was you and your family and now I have neither. I just don't where i am and where I'm going or who i am. on the one hand you've made me who am today and youve taught me to be a better and happier person. But you also broke me even though its not really your fault.

 

I guess im just sorry that my idealistic ways meant that I just couldnt accept you leaving you. To be honest, when i think about us, I still can't accept it. I know i just have to accept that you won't be only person I've shared myself with. or so i hope cos I don't wanna be stuck here.

 

Im gonna run away from my ****ty family soon once i find a job. Hopefully you can find me if i get lost.

 

Can you just call me soon?

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Hi,

 

I'm really sorry for how we ended. I never thought I'd be like that. I promised myself I never would do anything to hurt you and I did. I wanted to show you the best of me but you got the worst. I was insecure, jealous, and needy. All those good times are gone. I know it wasn't gonna work out anyway but I wish it did because then I wouldn't have hurt you. The guilt is rough. Knowing the I made the same mistakes I made before and lost you. I wish we had ended differently. I wish we ended things right. I know you want to be left alone and I'm doing just that. But I just wanted to say I'm sorry. You have changed me. Hopefully for the best.

 

Goodbye.

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Hey Mike,

 

You are stupid and you just can't handle the truth that your cheating behavior destroyed our relationship we had. I told you a hundred times that I didn't date my new boyfriend because of his money, but because he is nice with me. It's been nearly for years and he never cheat or create me any problem and we live happily. He trusts me and I can trust him completely. So you see..clearly the problem we used to have was not because of me but you, Mike!! That's why I never wanted to go back to you!

 

*PS...Stop being arrogant and just know that you actually barely know how to treat woman in bed. If you open your mind to listen to woman, maybe you would know how to get your little pistulino works better!! Ciao!

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Why do you feel the need to question me about how i'm faring on the dating scene ? Do you need validation for your current "dream" relationship? If i got someone your ego will be hurt, and if i have no one i'm a looser right ? I don't want to answer you, i know it won't touch you as much i'd hope anyway, and certainly not the way i would like to. You'll just distance yourself from me more whatever i answer, and i ain't giving you that satisfaction, ever.

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Tomorrow is your bday. I promised I would be there with you to celebrate before we officially ended it. I'm sorry for making a promise I cannot keep. I do think about you everyday and wonder what you're doing, or who you're with. How quickly you've probably found someone else to dull the pain. Then again, I am mad at myself for giving you so many chances and almost all of my youth. I just didn't want to admit failure. I truly wanted us to be together, but I need someone to give as much into the relationship as I do, and you just couldn't seem to do that. I will be happy, I am already happier, but I will always think of you. Happy birthday.

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Do you miss me? I try really hard to think that you do. I don't know if you will or if you will just feel like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Sometimes I think the only emotion you will feel is guilt & not regret. Or nothing at all.

 

I can't stop thinking of you. Because I've moved back home I feel like a child again and not the busy 'professional' I was. I want to talk to you about all the things that I think went wrong & have you discuss them with me then make a plan of how to make things work. Although, it would probably be like our heating summit of 2011: the electric heater made a reappearance!!

 

I miss our in jokes. I miss Evie the retarded budgie. I even miss our stinking kitchen (do you have a flatmate now?). I miss the way that every night you would hold me in your arms & we would fall asleep.

 

I'm sorry I had no self confidence. I'm sorry I became so stressed and work and couldn't put it down. I'm sorry for not having more self respect. I told you you'd be happier with someone else & that I could never change. You weren't supposed to believe me!! You were supposed to remember the me inside.

There were glimpses of that there & when I showed it you seemed confused.

 

Looking back I'm glad you never asked me to marry you because we would of failed: my low self esteem & your lack of ability to accept me for who I was. I pray that you grow from this but I'm not convinced you will.

 

I'm really sad because I think if we both matured a little & took a step back & had belief to make it work it could. Couldn't it? I don't know because I've only ever seen my parents marriage which is happy.

 

I just want to take away all the resentment that we've built up from living together & both working really stressful jobs & be close to you again. I did suggest we went on holiday but you continued to pull away

 

I don't know who I'm writing to in my head. I'd been with you for over 6 years. I knew the best of you & your worst. My mistake was forgiving you your worst & believing in your best. After all these years I don't know who you are. I feel humiliated that I loved you so much. I'm a total catch (apart from the crippling self doubt!!). I only think you'll miss me if you don't find what you're looking for. Which sucks cause right now I miss you. I didn't think you were perfect but I loved you. Maybe I should have listened more to you faults.

Edited by Chalk
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I'm not sure why I continue to let you into my life. Some days, I really, really believe that we'll be together again. Other days, I remember all of the stress and self-doubt that ate at me coming down to the end, and I think that I'm really much better off without you.

 

Thankfully, today's one of those days that I'm glad we're no longer together.

 

But there's still a part of me that misses you. Misses the way you used to hold me. Misses being able to talk to you when I was down. Misses calling you when I saw something funny.

 

I'll admit it. I'm lonely. I'm not in a very good place in my life right now. At least, I'm not in a place where I want to be (and, no, it's not because of you... well, I can't say you didn't have a hand in it). But I'm working on it. I'm going to pick myself up and get out of this !*&^@ mess. I'm going to show you that I don't need you to be happy.

 

I never needed you to be happy. I don't know why I left myself forget that.

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I wish we could speak to each other like adults. It's not just you but me as well. I wish we'd both behaved like adults in our relationship but how could we when it was our first serious relationship. Part of me wonders if that this is the reason I have trouble letting go: I'd been so lucky to find someone, waiting had been worth it.

 

I could only see a future for us if we both matured. I acted very needy & expected you to parent me but you acted childish too. You were very selfish in your needs & when I asked for something you didn't step back & listen, like an adult & put yourself in my shoes. When we were living together, we cared for the flat as individuals & not a team. It almost seemed important to you to always have the power.

 

I don't know if there are better people out there for us. I'm so confused because when I first met you you appeared very kind & caring. Part of me wonders if you have narcissistic traits (or is that the dependant in me?). You did put me down at times.

 

This time away from you is good. I'm learning who I am again. It so painful though. I miss my right arm xxx

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Taking the groceries out of the elevator today, I went back to take the last batch and before I closed the door I looked inside the empty elevator, and it made me really sentimental. weird, eh? how the elevator was full with good stuff just a minute ago and now it's all empty, going somewhere else.

 

I hope that one day you'll realize, someway, somehow, how strong were my feelings for you, and how I meant each and every damn word I wrote in that long letter.

 

[video=youtube;wp2Hwi9qM48] ]

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