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Nynnja
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If, buts and maybes? You came into my life and made me feel a million dollars, my life and heart I dedicated to you, your smile, your laugh now haunt me.

What do you think of me? Do you think of me?..........no of course you don't. Feed your self centric emotions now and forever if it's casual you want casual you can have. Enjoy live in your bubble and be damned with the people who care for you!

You've taken what I had, what I gave and threw it away, precious to me but not to you. Empty is what you have left me. I have nothing left to give now or in the future.

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I hate you so much. I hate that you are happier than ever. I hate that you used me. I hate that everything has fallen into place for you, and I wish you the worst. Not even that, I don't wish you the worst, I wish that everything will all come back to you one day. I hope that karma kicks you ass, because you smile and lie your way through life, and never ever deal with any consequences. I hate you.

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I've been lying to you. These past two months... I've been lying to you. Every time I tell you how great things are... how well I'm doing (without you). I'm lying.

 

You were my best friend once. You're still the first person I want to talk to when something good happens. Or something bad. I'm trying to put you firmly in the friend zone. Which is why I pretend that everything is ok. I don't know that it's possible for us to be friends if things aren't ok.

 

But the truth is, when I AM doing well without you, I feel absolutely no desire to contact you. None. Zip. Zilch. In those moments, I am fully aware that I can live a fulfilling life, even if you're not a part of it.

 

So it's kind of ironic, really, that I contact you (under the pretense of being friends) when I'm not looking to be your friend at all.

 

You just sent me the mother of all effing breadcrumbs. And I hate that it made me happy. I hate that I thought it showed you cared.

 

I wish I had the strength to walk out of your life for good.

 

Don't worry. I'm getting there.

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Gosh, I really am needy to keep writing (but in fairness I'm off work sick & staying back home with my parents!)

 

I thought I'd say, even though you will think it's a lie but thanks you for never asking me to marry you even though I wanted it. I've got a lot more to learn before I take that step. It's liberating to know that. I really want you to know that BUT I don't see the point in letting you bask in your own glory because I want you to learn from this too. I pray you do because even though I know I've done a lot wrong to cause the end of our relationship too, you did too. Still miss you, imaginary bestfriend who wasn't x

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10 years of my life. I hate that everything is linked to you. EVERYTHING remind me of you. While pleasant memories, bittersweet. Though I hope this is not true....no girl will ever compare. It's been just about a year. I hope life is treating you well. I still love you.

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If you think about it, the neurones in our brains are so used to thinking about us together (or sorry my neurones) that they physically need to rewire.

 

I dream of you every night but they're never good dreams.

 

I want to talk to you so badly but I'm still hurting pretty bad so it probably wouldn't be wise. Hope you're having a nice life. You always seemed so happy despite the crap that happened to you so I know you'll be fine xxx

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You know what I find to be so funny...the fact that you are trying to make it seem like your "religion" is important to you. Yeah, you went to a catholic high school but that doesn't make you a religious person. You could "date a catholic", yet you can't date anyone who doesn't do drugs. Alright...

 

You're a horrible person, but already you know that. You can't even justify it any other way. And I'm sure you have repressed any and all thoughts of me by now, probably did a long time ago, but it will always be there. You can pretend like it never happened all you want but I'm almost certain one day it will come back to you in some way, if it hasn't already.

 

I don't even remember you anymore. I try so hard to remember your voice, or your facial expressions, but I just can't. Not sure why I even want to.

 

Its weird, I can't quite pinpoint exactly how I feel about you now. I wish I could say I still love you but how can that even be possible? I still have love for you, I still miss you more than I can even describe...but the time has caused such indifference. I can't go on wondering about what you are doing or who you are with anymore, its torture. You're going to live your life and date, no matter how bad I get anxious at the thought of you out with girls. I wanted you for me. But you never were mine, were you?

 

The one thing I've struggled with this whole time was how you forgot about me. It was my fear and it came into fruition. I wish you could have been the person I fell in love with. Why couldn't you just love me and be true to me? What was it about me that made you want to do those things? I'll never understand why. I was so good to you.

 

Ugh. This crap is still going on after almost 7 months. Ridiculous...

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I wish I had to guts to tell you this. You are a liar and a manipulator. All you do is play games and allow me to fall for you traps time and time again. Love.. you say this word so freely you said this to me and now your saying this to the one your with. I mean the guy you left me for. Karma yes karma one day this will catch up with you, but my lament over you loss is over. HAHA i am free from your spell and honestly do not wish you harm or bad luck because who am I to judge you. The thing of it is... The thing of it is.. that you have probably been hurt really really bad and you are taking this pain out on me... its not fair but thats life. You used me for you selfish reasons and then threw me out like an old dirty kitchen rag only to kick me down again when I confessed how much I still loved you. Shame on you.. for your manipulation and for your behavior. Out.

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Day 7 of NC.

 

I can't do this. I feel like I'm slipping. I miss you so much. I miss your voice, I miss your laugh. But all of that is not the real you.

 

You have become cold, distant. Perhaps it was always there. It was just that I choose to not see it. You talked to me like i was unimportant, like i was merely a friend. Trying to ask you to use more affectionate terms was like extracting teeth.

 

And what about your constant smses? 2 girls constantly sms you and you cant put your phone aside just to talk to me? Your gf of a long distance relationship who is here within arm's length of you?

 

Why do I put up with that? Why do I let you treat me this way? And yet why do I long to go back to you? I cant. Because I know this behaviour of yours wont change. That's why all of your other gfs left you. Because you gave them breadcrumbs and made them constantly insecure and jealous.

 

So what if you say those 2 girls you were messaging were just frineds cos there is no chance of s3x? Why do you have that need to reply immediately once you get a text from them and keep the conversation going, all while i'm in front of you? Do you have that little respect for me?

 

You ex left you cos you treat her like a friend with benefits. So what if you were living together? You are jack affectionate. You don't even want to hold hands.

 

Why didn't I see all the signs eariler? I was so blind in love with you. Your wit and your alpha male status. But you know what? You are just a boy. You haven't grown up yet. You took the hurt from your first 8yr relationship and you have held on to that for all your next few relationships. You don't want me, you want any girl who is happy to put up with your nonsense.

 

And all of your ex girlfriends are pretty decent girls. One paid all of the rent while you were jobless and high on weed. She did that for years until she finally met someone else who would treat her right. She now has 2 babies and you miss her.

 

The ex after her, she put up with all your craziness. You temper, your swearing, your excessive drinking. Sure, now you paid the rent, but she still paid the groceres and power bills etc. And what you did to her? You called her selfish.

 

And during our relationship you constantly talk about your exes. Why? You were with me now yet you are still stuck in the past. And you are still talking to that ex whom you called selfish.

 

You say she is the one who initiates all the calls and that she needs you. Bullpies. If you weren't enjoying the attention and encouraging her, do you think she would be contacting you this much? what is that all about?

 

I cant go back to you no matter how much my heart wants. Cos you are no good for me. I'm a mess. I hate how I am when I'm with you.

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You're off to University now, if you were a year younger we'd have still been together. I'm trying I get over you, but at the moment I don't think I ever will. I wish I could change the way things ended, I made a mess of things as I panicked and didn't expect you to break off so early.

 

Now you've got your whole life starting, I life I used to dream about being in by your side.

I want to pick up my phone and send you a cute text everyday.

I want to wake up to your smile every morning.

I want to hear your whisper late at night.

 

I miss you like mad, but I know there is nothing I can do to get you back. I have one year left in this city we used to hang out in. It will be hard as I will be reminded constantly of your presence.

Every shop, every corner and every avenue reminds me of being with you.

I hope you miss me, because this is unfair. But I'm sure you're ready to start life now and don't have a care.

I'm going to break off all communication from you now. You will hopefully become just a distant memory.

I hope this is possible, I can't see how I can neglect something so beautiful.

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Would you be surprised if I told you I didn't want to talk to you anymore? I suppose you might. I've been responding to your breadcrumbs all along after all. (For the record, I'm kicking myself for that.)

 

I hate that I continue to have expectations of you. If I were to be more honest with myself, I would admit that there is still a large (DELUSIONAL) part of me that believes we'll end up together again someday. Every time you talk to me, I'm listening for those "magical" words. They never come.

 

I wish, I wish, I wish...

 

If wishes were dimes, I'd be a very rich girl indeed.

 

You want to know what the real problem is? The problem is that I'm scared. I'm so ridiculously scared to let you go. And I don't even know why! It's over. There's nothing left for me to lose. So why am I so afraid to let you go? What is it that I think I'll lose by letting you go?

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How could you act as if everything was so perfect and amazing and then in a matter of five minutes those feeligs just arent there. Why cant I let go of you? Why do i still feel like there is hope for us? why havent u even tried to contact me? why end what we had bc you are going through things....when it was my duty as your gf to help you through it all. why block communication with me?? is it easieer for you to deal with what your going through without having to tlk to me or think about me or did u just do it to me mean? why do i love u so much? how is it you said u loved me, cared about me, i met your famiily, i stayed with you, and then u leave?? what was wrong? you said it wasnt me...but that it was your mental state of mind...why was i just then seeing that side of you? why cant i accept that that is why we are over? why am i such a mess over this????

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Day 8 of NC. There were 20 days of NC before that but i broke it. So day 8 now.

 

It's a month and a week that we broke up. I'm in pieces. I was in the train today and I saw someone who looked like you. My heart lighted up. I thought it was you. But I know it's not, as you are far away in Sydney.

 

I tried to look away. But my gaze kept coming back to this man. How I miss you. We used to talk all day everyday. You were a part of me. At work we talk for hours, and when we are home, we spend so much time online watching shows in sync with each other before bed.

 

I hate being without you. I hate that I am such a mess like this. I hate that I miss you so much. I hate that I don't know if I can ever get over you.

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I just want to know why. WHY THE HELL DID YOU CONTACT ME??!

 

I'd finally crossed the line. I was certifiably bat sh*t crazy. Even I knew that. I needed to get away. Needed to heal myself.

 

I was ready to disappear. Isn't that what you freaking wanted? Didn't you want me to leave you the hell alone already?

 

So, again, I have to ask. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

 

I wasn't planning to respond, you know. Responding doesn't fit into the whole "disappearing" thing very well after all. But you said you were feeling down, and I just... I don't know. I felt like I couldn't just abandon you. I made you a promise that I would never abandon you, and for some stupid reason, that promise felt like the most important thing in the world.

 

If you can be guilty of loving someone too much, then I think I should be locked up. So many times, so many times, I put your feelings before mine. I let you walk all over me.

 

Maybe it's time I finally stood up for myself.

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A few months ago, I watched Steven King's movie, "Bag of Bones" and I thought that you and the old man seemed very similiar in demeanor. In the scene where the singer placed a curse on the man before her death, I thought of u even more. So that night when I was drinking away my sadness, I placed a curse on YOU. I cursed you. I cursed you by saying, "I curse you (name) to feel 50x's worse than I do whenever you experience your next BU. And I curse that your gf leaves you again for her ex boyfriend."

 

A week or so later, I "uncursed" you. I don't really believe in curses, but I felt bad and I don't REALLY want you to go through what u put me through. I really dont want that for u. I uncursed you by saying "I uncurse you for what I cursed you for" and I do plan on confessing it to a priest next week.

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Why didn't you even say goodbye? I mean, I understand that you feel nothing for me, and I was just a toy for you to play with for a short time, but it's just childish and immature to vanish like this. You were the one who wanted to be friends. You were the one who said he missed me sooooo much and wanted me to be his girlfriend, oh if only things were different, etc. Bullcrap, wasn't it? But at least say goodbye! Come on! You can't send me long emails every other day for weeks and then just stop! This isn't fair!

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You know what I just realized? That time you went out to Connecticut for that "concert" with your friend.....there was no concert, was there? In fact, you probably didn't even go with him. You were going there to cheat. I could be wrong but honestly I don't think I am. Either way, before you went you were looking to meet someone there, I know that much is true. God I was so so foolish to trust you and believe you. But I didn't know. You took advantage of my trust and it sickens me. It makes sense though, and at the same time it is a little horrifying to put the pieces together. But I admit I snooped back then, and I saw you were in chat rooms for "CT love" or something stupid like that. Did you honestly go all that way just to cheat on me? May I just ask, what the hell is wrong with you? You had a beautiful, caring loving girlfriend and you knew it. Why couldn't you have just spared me and left? You messed me up so bad and I'm working hard to fix it every damn day. You wanted a relationship for your own selfish purposes. You wanted that security. You wanted someone to take your frustrations out on and use for sex. It just frustrates me because you don't even care and you're just fine, while I'm like this. You're not sitting around on some website writing to me, you're probably out right now with some girl. you.

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How the **** can you just walk away from an engagement and our son. **** you. These ups and downs are insane. So to get over it you just get under someone. I pity you. I can take this and become stronger, you on the other hand just keep ****ing other men to fill that hole inside of you. One after the other it doesn't end for you. I can take pride knowing I take care of myself and don't need to validate myself through other women. We have a child and your acting like one. Not even a decent conversation after 4 ****ing years. Not once did I abuse you physically, emotionally, or psychologically. Yet the abuse from you and cheating, to have you tell me i am not meeting your needs. Have a long look in the mirror, you keep projecting your own issues on the world and people. Why did I let you back after cheating on me? By the way, people tell me this guy looks like my dad. Way to go!

 

 

After all of this... Thank you for the gift of my first born son.

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Day 9 of NC.

 

Everyday I wait by my phone, check my phone to see if you messaged me.

 

I miss you so much. Yet you don't seem to want me as much as I want you.

 

You drive me up the wall yet without you I feel empty.

 

My days are more colourful when you are here with me. You know that don't you?

 

We had a trip coming up in September to NYC. Knowing you, you will still go ahead with it because you will not want to spend any money changing the dates. I can't go with you because I'm afraid that I will fall back into the same habit. And I'm just your option and I can't be that anymore.

 

I can't really be happy with a guy who wont bother to step up.

 

I needed to change the dates with the travel agent since 2 weeks ago but everytime i pick up the phone I just cant. I cant bring myself to make this final. A part of me hopes so much the you'll be there with me on this trip.

 

But that's just wishful thinking I know. I'm here pinning for you while you are there probably flirting and being happy with another girl.

 

Missing you.

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I still love you like crazy, and i can't stop thinking about you, i so want us back together starting fresh and new.

I remember when you said you missed me, that my presence still gave you goosebumps, and that maybe in the future we could be together again.

 

BUt the truth is, you're with someone else who's much better than me in all the aspects i failed at, you're probably happy with the new direction of your life, and are just thinking about me as a failed relationship and not so much as the love of your life.

 

Contacting you will only push you away even further, and i don't want to hear your "conforting" words about how you love me but "in a different way"; those words are not yours, they were given to you by your "friends" who as soon as you left, started inviting you EVERY week to present you with single guy friends of theirs, even tho before we'd only see them once every 6 months.

 

I'll keep my pain to myself, so you do not see the pathetic creature i currently am; i know its futile to hope for us to get back together, but it's not a thought that i can control.

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