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8 months has passed since you endetuition our relationship. I tryed to win you back, but that fight was over before it started. But I tryed. I'm thinking of you all the time, vacations, dinners, snuggling, kissing, everything spins like crasy in my head.

I miss you.

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Sigh I've been feeling better on the whole but I guess today is a tough day for me. Do you still have tough days or are you moved on already? Do you still think and reflect upon us? Sigh. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that after 4 years so much of what I thought was "us" is my own illusion and that you never felt as deeply or as intimately for me as I thought you did. Otherwise how was it so easy for you to keep abandoning me and assuming the worst of me instead of fighting for us and recognizing my strengths. I wish you loved me enough to accept me and commit to me instead of avoid me and reject me. I wish you loved me enough to be forthright and honest with me instead of deceiving and hiding things from me. I wish you loved me enough to put your fears aside and feel safe with me. I wish I was able to make you feel safe. Sigh. Reality is always a hard pill to swallow.

Edited by lilypadgirl
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It's been weeks and yet it still hurts just as much as it did the first day. You don't want to be friends, you don't want me in your life, it's the hardest thing for me to deal with. I wish I knew your secret for turning your back so easily after all the years we've been through.

 

It hurts too much though. It hurts so much and I can't do it anymore. I have to let go. I have to give up.

 

I thought you were it for me. I guess I thought wrong.

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I don't know what happened. Well, not exactly. You simply cannot be honest with me. You lie to me like you lie to everyone who comes in contact with you. I asked over and over for you to tell me what was on your mind. You kept saying nothing. You told me you loved me, always looking for me to say it in return. Why? Do you know what love is? You didn't love me, you just wanted to hear me say that I loved you. I think it's part of the control issues you have. Like why you keep texting me. Why continue contact with me saying how you hope we can be friends and that you hope I am happy...YOU broke up with ME. I asked for no contact, you couldn't do it. Then you forwarded messages from your boss to you, since your drunk behind is in trouble with him and you're about to lose a promotion for the THIRD time. Uh-uh...you lost your emotional support from me when you dumped me. I know what you really want: once again you dumped me without really wanting to dump me. Well, tough sh*t this time, I'm gone. I allowed myself to be treated like I am nothing for the last time.

 

They say no contact should be for 90 days, well how amazing is it that call block lasts for 90 days? If you contact me after that 90 days, I'll see how I feel then as to whether or not I'll respond or renew the call block. But for now, I hope your heart aches terribly.

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Sometimes when I get bored, I think of you. I think of the fun times we had. There sure were a lot of them, weren't there? I knew I could always count on you to be my partner in crime. It was rare that I'd be interested in something that you wouldn't have interest in.

 

I wonder if you think of me too. Do you even get bored? Sounds like you've got the life you always wanted. You go out with friends when you want to, and you stay at home when you want some alone time.

 

Guess the grass was greener on that side after all, eh?

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Day 4 of NC. I'm really going to start building up my self-confidence. I think saying some self-affirmations and doing some positive thinking will really help me. I figured something out today. I think the reason why you had trouble compromising in our relationship was because you weren't getting your needs met, and so you didn't feel deeply enough about me to meet my needs. This kind of insight makes me better understand what went wrong and what I can do to fix it.

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I've been seeing a therapist the past couple months. What he's taught me about myself probably wouldn't have saved our relationship, but it probably would have saved our friendship. I know you're not perfect, but I certainly could have handled myself better.

 

I'm wondering if you'd be interested in contact again. We were good friends in the past. And honestly gaming night isn't the same without you.

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We haven't spoken or seen each other in exactly one month today after we parted on horrible terms. Hell, we didn't part on any terms since you couldn't even give me the decency of one word and instead blocked me and sped away from me. But I've been doing really well with NC and my healing is well underway. I've had no urge to contact you... until today when I woke up and heard the news about the movie theater shooting in your hometown, which you only moved here from earlier this year.

 

I know most of your friends and family are out there. I really hope everything is alright and that none of your loved ones were injured. I'm deeply concerned and I hope you are okay and that today won't be too grueling for you with trying to get in touch with everyone out there. I know I shouldn't care anymore but you, your friends, and your family are in my thoughts today. Well you're in my thoughts every day, but especially today. You have no idea how badly I want to send this to you but I told you I'd never try to get in touch with you again and I am going to stand by that.

Edited by Squito
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Today is really hard... I haven't missed you this bad since 2 or 3 days ago. I woke up this morning feeling mad at you too... it's a whole wave of emotions when I think about you but the one constant emotion is that I miss you and I want you back. I wonder if you ever think of me and miss me too.

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I so want to love again, but feel it isn't fair to love my new woman when I constantly think of you!! I just wanted things to end better, and I want to cuddle you and kiss your beautiful face one more time!! How can I stop loving you, how can you dismiss me so easily????

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Hey,

 

Man.. what to say. I'm angry and confused. I answered your stupid text because .. I because I was stupid. I kind of knew you would get married, after getting knocked up it seemed logical for the guy to step up. So now you have a baby and a husband. Something to be proud of I suppose in your grand scheme of things. Why did you text me about it?

 

What did you expect me to say? I was polite and wished you well. You kept pursuing it until we got back in "us". You truly believe you are the victim in all of this, that you sleeping around on me and having a BF established right after breaking up didn't smack of "planned activity". I want to scream at you, ***** you out but I won't. It doesn't matter anymore. So much has to be forgiven that it would be a colossal waste of time. Not to mention the trust that has to be re-established.

 

Yet. I still hold out hope that you are gonna show up, 2000 miles away and 8 mos. pregnant I think you are gonna show up. Motherlover! I need to be done with this. You bring me no joy and yet I pray that you do. It sucks it really does. Well. I understand no contact very well now and now.. starting day 3 AGAIN!! Ugh.

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If I had £1 for every time I've thought of you since we broke up I'd be rich, no need to work, no need to play the lottery. Would I be here sitting in my flat alone? No I'd be somewhere far flung, exotic with stunning vistas. The world would be my oyster! whatever I desired I could have...……… everything but you!.......................damn!

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I love you, and miss you. I hope everything's going okay, work, all that.

Have a nice night tonight, i was going to go, had my outfit bought and everything, but there'll be other things for me to wear it to i guess, you told me to leave you alone so that's what i'll do. Progress eh. I was looking at some old pictures of you before, and you've lost so much weight! You look amazing you really do, you'll be the sexiest guy in the room tonight I miss you so much, i keep dreaming about you, then i wake up and it's just another day on my own. I can't do this. I love you, with all my heart and soul.

I love you so much. Please be careful, i know what you're like when you've had a few, no scrapping or getting upset, just have fun. God, i love you so much. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Seems like a thousand years since we broke the ties...

 

Is your new life as fantastically wonderful as you thought it would be? I mean, you have everything you ever wanted, right? You certainly have everything you put the most effort into during our relationship. Namely, a life back in your Midwestern Homeland. Now you can be stuck on your codependent family and dysfunctional friends all you want. Remember that you need them and their drama more than they need you.

 

You really were never working towards a shared vision of "our" life. It was always your vision of life, and I could choose to board that train or not. From the moment we moved in together, that train was ultimately going to leave the station whether I was on board or not. Which is why it didn't work. I would've moved with you if you had demonstrated some small desire to step up to the plate and actually participate in our relationship rather than sleep it away, pining for the Homeland. There was never an "us." Not in ten and a half years.

 

Remember that in your lonely moments, when you don't have someone (friends, codependent family or some online dating chucklehead) to distract you. By the way, are you still in contact with Illinois Boy? You hook up with him again? You never did stop contacting him while we were together, much as I asked. In fact, even when we long distanced, you would tell me that he contacted you. I've always wondered why you would do that? Ten years together and you never broke off contact with some philandering married loser you had a one night tryst with before we met in your self-professed "Dark Times."

 

Why did I put up with three years of long distance relationship AFTER you showed your commitment to our relationship (or lack thereof) by moving out? I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Edited by TheEndComplete
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It's been 5 months and you contact me with drama involving your GF being harassed by my friends. Do you honestly think I care? What are you trying to prove by messaging me about it? The only thing you're doing is convincing me how immature you continue to be.

 

I guess that's what you get for being with an immature girl. You don't balance each other out. Good job! You guys will be great parents!

 

Don't ever contact me again about stupid drama bullsh*t that I never was involved in.

 

F*ck off and leave me alone.

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You know what? We were really happy. Really, really happy. Happier than most couples I know. Usually I try not to think about the happy times because it hurts too much, but tonight I found myself thinking about London and our time there. I know you were happy too - I know it was not a lie. I never would have believed that we would end up in the place we are in now, and I imagine you never would have too. Mostly I guess we took our happiness for granted, but sometimes I would pause to appreciate how blessed I was to be with you. And I was. I really cannot conceive how I will ever be that happy with someone ever again.

 

I am angry with you for what you have done to us and our happiness. I know you are carrying a huge amount of guilt over it (if you ever let yourself feel it). It just makes no sense - it never has, not from the very beginning of your doubts. You said: "I just wish it could go back to how it was." Somewhere along the way, somehow, you lost something.

 

You are so good at not feeling your feelings, at locking them up, so I guess you probably aren't still crying like I am. Maybe you've even met someone else. Maybe you are head over heels with someone, and don't think about me anymore. I hope you are haunted by dreams like I have been lately. Idiot. Now I have to carry this around with me for the rest of my goddamn life. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. (I know that would really hurt you. I put the 'sometimes' in to soften the blow even though you will never read this because I am worried about your feelings even in this virtual arena. Remember? I'm the sweetest, loveliest person you've ever known, according to yourself.)

 

I'm afraid I can't be noble enough to wish you well right now, and hope that you find love and happiness with someone else. To be honest I hope that you regret breaking up with me for the rest of your life, and that you never find anyone else you are nearly as happy with. (So much for sweet and lovely...)

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Okay,

 

Got a great night sleep even though its freaking hot. The trick is to stay up all night and the day. lol Ugh. I always wrote you every morning no matter where I was and what I was doing. It just seemed right to do it once more and never again. You should be married in a few hours and you are probably gonna get weird on your new husband and text me right afterward. I won't answer. Nope. I told you there are times where I draw the line.

 

I hope you live a good life. I mean a really good life where you get up happy and excited about the new day. I am getting there myself but maybe its just the good sleep. Chances are you are gonna blow this relationship and since you have the baby, maybe it won't be so bad. I feel bad for the guy as he is gonna so pay through the nose in child support. Wish it was the guy you left me for. Ach. That's being mean but I don't care. I don't have the closure I seek, I'm still very much in your web but you know I can practice no-contact and make it real.

 

It does help to unload into cyberspace and a million lurkers. lol. I think I made it through the wilderness and I'll be okay.

 

Goodbye..

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