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Its the second time I have written here in a matter of days, after not writing her for months. I go out, keep busy, go to heaps of glamorous events, talk to so many people, do exciting things in my job, and then, wheni sit down, alli think about is you. After alL this time, I still love you and miss you. I still remember . Why don't you remember?

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You are now on vacation with your friend, last summer I was your boyfriend and best friend. We where going on vacation, we where so exited. Roadtrip to the USA. We have had our ups and downs, but I love you and I want to grow old with you. But you "killed me" the 4 of February. You could just had taken a knife and just stabbed me in my heart right there. I have tryed and tryed, nothing, you gave me nothing. I have supported you the best I could, you have your demons, I have mine, and then I needed some support because I got sick and needed surgery you just said enough is enough. You chose the easy way out as always. You chose the path you have done before, you are a coward. You are not a fighter. You are weak.

I tryed to be strong, I tryed to convince you. No no no was your answer.

 

You killed me, you took everything from me..

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Goodnight darling. I hope you're okay.

I've decided i'm going to buy you a present, and you're going to accept it, and then you can tell me to go, and if it'll make you happy, i'll go. But you have to accept it. I wish we could talk things over, you owe me the chance to say my part, you've heard everyone elses side, and said awful things about me, but i haven't had the chance to say anything. I have a doctors appointment this week, i'll get to talk about things and let it all out. I really do miss you. I miss your curly chest hair and your little legs, and as much as it annoyed me, i'd give everything to sit and watch you shining your boots right now. I love you.

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It's been over 4 months, and you know what? I was doing great. I didn't NEED you.

 

But these past couple of days, I've wanted nothing more than to pick up the wretched phone and give you a freaking call. Because suddenly, I'm missing the sound of your voice like crazy. I want nothing more than to talk to you, laugh with you and know that, in spite of the way you've been acting since we broke up, I still MEAN something to you.

 

Did I even mean anything to you??

 

I wish I knew what was going on in your head. Is there even anything going on in there? Probably nothing more than the howling of the wind and the rattling of the shutters--like a ghost town.

 

Do you know what happens when you email me? I spend days cackling over the fact that you can't stop contacting me. And then I hate myself because I can't help emailing you right back. I don't even know why I do it. Am I secretly hoping for something? Maybe. But the truth is, I don't even know if it's YOU that I want anymore. Maybe I just want that imaginary "you" that I've crafted in my head.

 

I haven't seen you in almost 2 months. Thank. God.

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U alwayd said that u never ever see me angry or im too happy of a guy... Well here u go!!

I just wanted to tell u, how dare u think im not enough for u...i carried u when u were in school emotionally amd financially...u r the biggest fraud ever, hated how cheap u are and hated how needy and manipulative u r...i feel so used an i defended u when people hated on u, as a matter of fact, in retrospect i dont even kno wht i saw in u...u were so high maintenance and acted like u were so against that..i kno ur waiting for a rich dude so u can use and abuse him...u lost unfortunately the best effing guy ull ever meet, ya i said it!!! Goodluck u needy , selfish biotch

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It's weird how only 2 weeks seems way longer when going NC.

 

So tomorrow afternoon I fly out. It's strange, almost surreal. I remember on my last trip I missed you so much, because I was in an unfamiliar setting, and all I wanted to do was just follow you, and where you would lead me. Those days are long gone. I feel really foolish for still knowing i'm not 100% yet, but I know I will eventually get there some day.

 

I'm just melancholy tonight. I guess it's setting in that nothing will or could ever be the same. I feel like I lost a lot of innocence when I allowed you into my life. I want to go back to that place where I was independent, yet still innocent and pure at heart. I miss who I used to be. I'm glad though that I can gain control of that again, I just need to continue making wise decisions. I miss stability, I completely lost that when I allowed myself to get close to you. I knew I was taking a risk with you, I just had no idea how much you would ruin my life.

 

So here's to starting new. It's scary, but I needed to get away.

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I'm finally sticking to NC... Although it's only Day 1. I've come up with a plan to get you back, but everyone keeps telling me to just focus on the present and healing. I think they're getting sick of me whining and complaining about missing you, but I can't help it. It hurt me today when I looked at your profile... I guess it just hurts to read your updates because I know I won't be a part of your life for a while... not until I get better. I'm happy that you're focusing on work right now... it actually makes me relieved because I think one of my biggest worries right now is that you'll find somebody else, but I don't really think you will... at least not for the next month or so. I want to talk to you again in a month... I hope that's enough time for you miss me again and let go of our past because I really do want a start a new relationship with you. I hope today that you miss me a bit... because I'm finally trying really hard to respect your needs and give you the space you want. I want to show you I can be better.

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Hi Nancy,

 

It’s me again. I really don’t know why I am writing you this because I know where you stand. It’s been a very long time. I still have very strong feelings for you, I just know I will never find anyone like you. I am in an extremely toxic / unhealthy relationship right now and have been for about 4 months. I have seen what’s out there these past 3 years and I want nothing of it. I’ve met so many people as I’m sure you have as well and it’s just like no one is out there that is like you or who I am attracted to as much as I am attracted to you. Just makes me realize what I had with you, I was so confident in you and so content. We had so much fun and never fought. I just think about you and like what your up to and just wish I could be a part of your life again, it would just make me so happy. I am still the same old me but I have matured in a lot of ways and learnt a lot from you. You are not that complicated of a girl or at least 3 years ago you weren’t.

 

I am really just asking for another chance to get to know you again, there is just such a void when I think about you but I am living my life as I pretty much planned it. I am living in ______ now. Please be my friend again, I promise it won’t be weird or awkward when we see eachother, well I can’t promise that but we can treat it like a first meeting between potential friends.

 

The last time I saw you I talked to you about the last thing I wanted to talk about it (losing my Mom) was really weird because I didn’t want to tell anyone about what had happened. I really need to see your face again soon.

 

Kevin.

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Yesterday you contacted me after some weeks...why did you do that??

You know I haven't been keeping in touch just to heal from wounds, and because I was angry with you.

You didn't answer me when I looked for you, neither calls, nor emails or messages

And now you ask me how I'm doing, tell me you miss me a lot, that you'd like to be near me, that you still dream to be with me again...

 

geez I hate all this...

I hate that I was somehow being successful in getting over you, and now again I can't get you out my head....

I hate the feeling that I was somehow seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and now again it's getting darker and darker....

I hate to feel that I still love you

 

please, let me go....let me free

or if you're really convinced, come back to me once and for all

 

but not halfway

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this is a great idea. id been writing emails and putting them in drafts but then its too tempting to send. this is better.

I have wrote tons of emails, mostly drafts, but I did send some, not some but many.

A couple of weeks ago I deleted everything, drafts, sent, innbox, text msg, had also many draft text msg. Everything deleted.

I'm sticking to NC. Day 48-49. Don't remember

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So I just wept uncontrollably. I'm a completely emotional basket case.

 

I moved today. Got on a flight, now at my new place with my cousin. She is so sweet, it is so nice of her, and yet now that i'm sitting alone in this apartment, alone with my thoughts, feeling ENTIRELY alone...all I am doing is thinking of you, and I wanted to contact you. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I just saw the pictures too of you with your girlfriend, and I knew she would do that. I was beginning to stupidly think maybe you grew a brain and really were going to make the right decision. But you didn't, and I feel stupid for ever giving you the benefit of a doubt. I was going so strong though, I refuse to give in and break NC, nothing good would come of that.

 

You are obviously still with her, and it's never going to change. I'm depressed. I'm really depressed. I feel so dumb whenever I think of all I lost because of you. I have had to radically deal with all of these difficult life changes because of you. It really really hurts.

 

I miss you like crazy tonight, and it disgusts me. I refuse to give in and contact you though, i've come so far for you to destroy me yet again.

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SO on top of my NC, I'm making a new vow for the next 30 days that I will be here.

 

I will not check any sort of social media that I know you are on, or any of the former peoples' social media stuff. Ignorance will be bliss, and just like i'm amazed that I haven't given in and contacted you for the past 2 weeks, I am excited to have a tangible, REAL executed goal. I need a withdrawal, in all shapes and forms. I just need it. It's a month, all I can do is gain from here. I will get over you. I need to really do everything in my power.

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You've changed. You're no longer the man I fell in love with.

 

That's ok. I'm not the girl you fell in love with anymore, either.

 

You told me you loved me... but you weren't in love with me. I didn't understand. If you loved me, how could you throw me away so easily?

 

It's funny, isn't it? I loved you, too. I wanted you to be happy, even if that meant you had to live half a world away or you had to go through this life with a different woman by your side. Yet I still didn't see...

 

I think I finally get it now. You loved me, but not in the way I wanted you to love me. So you set me free. I thought you abandoned me.

 

But that's ok. I realize now. I've decided. I will also set myself free.

 

Thank you for the memories.

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I still love you deeply, if I could have married you before Christmas I would have done it.

Why did this **** happened, I miss you so badly that I'm close to just vanish from this earth.

Why can't you just text me, and tell me that we have to meet. And talk about our future?

 

I love you, I will love you until the day I die.

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Today marks six months. I'm sure you don't even know.

 

I've had this strange realization lately that, even though I'm sad sometimes, overall, I think I'm happier now than when I was with you. Not always when I was with you - there were amazing days - but so much of the time. Nothing seems as hard as it did then. Work doesn't seem as overwhelming. My family doesn't seem as frustrating. Life seems strangely easier. I think I didn't realize the burden I was carrying for so long, trying to keep our relationship alive, even though you had probably checked out a long time ago.

 

Time goes by so quickly. Six months without you. I'm not sure I ever thought I'd make it this long. Turns out I'm stronger than I knew.

 

I still miss you, especially today. I won't lie; I kept hoping the phone would ring or I'd get an email. Anything. Six months is a long time not to hear from the person you love. But I suspect it's just the beginning. I suspect I won't hear from you for a long, long time, if ever.

 

I know it's one of your favorite times coming up - with lots of activities in your hometown, so I hope you have a wonderful rest of July.

 

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It's day 3 of NC. I feel a little better than i did yesterday. I had the hardest time fighting the urge to contact you last night. That's what happens when I don't keep myself busy... i just think about you too much. I guess that's why it's a good thing you're focusing so hard on your work now. I just want you to know that I'm going to better myself and learn how to respect your space. I am sick of making the same mistakes over and over because I know that i can be a better person and i know that we can have something that's life-long once I fix this. I think you're sending out signals today that you're thinking of me, but i may just be overanalyzing things. I just hope you think of me. I'm coming back for you, and it's going to last this time.

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You have someone else now I know!! I dreaded the thought of you making love with someone else other than me!! BUT when you have made love to him and you wake up in the morning you will still have your personality issues and anger issues you always had!! I on the other hand have someone who loves me, is gentle, sweet and appreciates me for who I am. Go for it, hope you burn in hell for what you put me through!!

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