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He walked out on me a week ago. It was not the first time, he does it every time he drinks too much and then comes back a few days later. So a couple days ago he called and said he missed me. I did not see him, am trying to be strong because he has to stop drinking before I can take him back. He goes to the room he rented in a house a few miles away and I am here looking at all of his things. Then he come home like nothing happened. Today is his birthday...he is 54. I called and left a birthday message. I am afraid he will come back and as usual I will let him in. I love him but he was horrible to me every time he drinks. He really is either PERFECT or IMPOSSIBLE...there is no middle ground. I need to be strong today and stick to my words that he must get help before I can be with him.

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I wanted you back, but now I'm not so sure... I'm pretty sure I don't though. I can't handle you being confused anymore. I'm pretty sure you were always sure that you didn't want to be with me, you were just too much of a coward to say anything. You dumped me twice, but it might as well have been 3 times because you ended up changing your mind that second time. I'm heartbroken because even though I was 100% sure I wanted to be with you, you couldn't say the same. I feel like you lost respect for me because I took you back, because I wanted to be with you. I changed who I was so I could keep you but that didn't work anyway. It didn't help that you didn't want to communicate with me and instead bolted when we hit a rough patch. Maybe you knew all along you didn't want to be with me and you just wanted a way out. I don't even think I want to be friends with you. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect me, who can just toss around my feelings with such disregard. You changed so much. I'm mourning the person you used to be. The sweet, confident, amazing guy who treated me so well. Now at uni you've completely changed. You've found a group of friends, had new experiences. I guess you wanted to cut me our of your life and look at me as a thing of the past just like everything else.

 

You left me a message yesterday, about how I am unique and will always have a special place in your heart. That made me feel happy. But now, after receiving questions about your fb photos that I didn't know about because I deactivated, I don't think I care. I saw the photos. It's funny how all your friends could put up photos when I couldn't even put up a single one on my own profile. And there's even a photo with that girl's arm around your shoulder. You broke my heart. I used to think of you as someone who would never hurt me. Now I don't think you're even worthy of any form of my love, not when I gave you so much and you threw it back in my face.

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My motto these days is "If it's meant to happen, it'll happen." It's amazing how calming thinking that way can be. I make the necessary effort. I make decisions I think are wise. Then I leave it up to fate or God or whomever/whatever. It's helping. It's helping a lot.

 

I think about how far I've come in the 6 months since the BU and how much my life has changed, and I feel proud of myself. I think you'd be proud of me too. And I know that these changes and this growth probably would not have happened if you were still in my life. You were my crutch. I'm sorry for that.

 

I'm walking on my own two feet now, and it feels good.

 

Sometimes I wish that you and I had met later in my life - like, a year from now - when I will be more secure in myself and more independent and more the person I want to be. But then I remember that it was your influence in my life that got me here, so there can't be any regrets or wishes that things had been different.

 

I am who I am because I had you in my life. Regardless of how our relationship was or how it ended, that is the truth. You helped me become the person I am today.

 

Thank you for that. I truly hope you're doing well. XO.

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"Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

 

I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

 

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me."

 

I can't stop loving you

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6 months ago I thought you would have had a change of heart by now; you would have realized that you had a wonderful and forgiving partner and come back.......sadly, like most of what I thought I knew about you, I was wrong..again.

 

You let my birthday pass without a single word...nothing.

 

To say it disapponited me is an understatement, but you have become just that, a disappointment....a let down, a potential never realized....a flicker of a flame that could have been a raging fire......but instead, like a coward, you slipped away int othe arms of another man while still living with me...using me....and eventually closing the classic arc in a BU - i am replaced, and you move on.

 

Yor ability to "flip that switch" you say you have inside you; to seemingly erase the 6 years like a bad movie or tv show from the DVR of your cable box of a heart......that is a scary and fascinating trait you have.....to just "turn off" ...even after 6 years....the level of your emotional immaturity...the depths of your damage...just how broken you really are....it saddens me.

 

You will repeat this pattern, I KNOW IT NOW.

 

You will cheat when it serves you, lie about anything to preserve that squeaky clean image you work so hard to protect - sometime I think you worked harder at the smoke screen that hid the real you than you did on us.

 

You gave up...on me...on us....on yourself.

 

Cant you see that I would have tolerated anything you did, because you owned this old heart?...Right or wrong of me...I would have put up with anything, AND DID.

 

I have never in my life loved like I loved you; you threw it all away for a stranger...the conductor of the train you ride to work in the morning.........really? REALLY?? you sat there, day in and day out, building a secret life right under my nose.....and you cheated on me for months, until my gut told me to snoop, and well....the hotel receipts dont lie now, do they?

 

You are a liar.

 

You are a dishonest and unfaithful, selfish monster.

 

You deserve whatever Karma or this life has in store for you.

 

When the day comes, AND IT WILL, that you no longer are so pretty, so seemingly perfect...when time catches up with you, and the hard drinking and lifestyle shows on your face, in your eyes, in your poor judgement and choices....you will be alone.

 

When you cant use your body as bait, sex as a weapon, lies and falsehoods to reel in the next sucker dumb enough to fall for the oldest story in the book: the pretty face and nice body....judging a book by its proverbial cover.....but inside you are a dimestore novel; empty, lacking substance, a fast read and thrill ride to pass the time....forgettable when finished...and you are worth just about as much as that cheap paperback.....

 

One day all that you have done to me, and the guy before me, and most likely several after me, will come back around....you will have to deal with what you have done to countless hearts, mine in particular.

 

One day, the bill will come due....are you going to be able to pay the piper?

 

I wish you could just see the way it makes you look, just for a second, thru my eyes.......the love you have ripped from my soul.....you stole my way to breathe....in you I saw everything...my future, the hurts of the past erased by your glance, you touch made me feel more alive than ever before......you, my beautiful disaster, were my whole world...and ultimately, my undoing.

 

6 months on now......each day is easier....each day lighter......you are no longer the love of my life......just someone who shared it with me for awhile, until you no longer needed me or wanted me...the next vine was waiting for you to grab and swing away from me on....as you have always done...as you alwys will....

 

I wish you nothing.....no ill will, no happiness, no pain, no suffering....nothing.

 

I have become nuetral in my feelings...I have become indifferent to your life, your replacement for me.....you in general.

 

I just wish you saw the impact you had on me...the fundamental changes, the continued growth.... the good and the bad.....

 

I owe you just one last thing.......one last "post here instead of contacting your ex"........

 

I owe you a "thank you"............for leaving, forcing me to grow, and giving me the opportunity to get back in touch with myself, learn to love myself for the first time in my life....to grow...to know what capacity I have to handle adversity and heartache.....and most of all.....what it felt like, just once, to love someone so completely it filled my life, changed my perceptions, and made a believer outta this old man that true love does indeed exsist....it just doesn't always last......nothing ever does in this life....you have to cherish it while you have it.

 

I miss nothing......I regert nothing........I am glad to have gone thru all this, for it made me a better man.

 

Thank you love......from the bottom of my heart.

 

~ J.

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It was supposed to be day 1 of NC yesterday, but I broke it as usual Called you up and actually had a nice talk... You said you were still angry at me but that we'd talk eventually... you said you were glad I was finally getting the help I needed. You said it's possible we might start over one day but that nothing is guaranteed. I don't know if this is stupid to worry about, but what if you find somebody new before I'm ready? I don't know the exact time when I'm going to try contacting you again, but I've been thinking it's going to be anywhere from 1-3 months from now... I really hope you'll still be single because I want to be the one for you. I think I really could be. And I'm going to fight for you again once i'm better, because I think part of love is about making choices... not leaving everything up to fate. I know if you're meant to be mine, then you will be, but I also know that if there's something in life that you really want, then you have to go after it so you don't miss out... especially when it comes to love... when it comes to a happy ever after. I know we can find that in each other, and I still believe we were meant to be... I still do. We aren't one of the couples that lost attraction to each other over time.... we broke apart because of something that I can fix now and I want you to see the woman I become. I want you to see me in a better light. I want another chance. I want you to heal and not be angry at me. I want you to want me.

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It kind of pisses me off that you are friends on FB with that psycho ex-girlfriend. Like, you obviously reconciled with her...AFTER we broke up...so she is good enough to have in your life but I'm not?

 

I just want to stop caring. I feel weird today, like I don't even know what I'm doing anymore sometimes and I get these random moments where I get so angry at you.

 

I get worried about you because I'm scared you will overdose.

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It kind of pisses me off that you are friends on FB with that psycho ex-girlfriend. Like, you obviously reconciled with her...AFTER we broke up...so she is good enough to have in your life but I'm not?

 

Oh my, soybeans. My ex did the same thing, and it infuriated me. In fact, it made me even angrier to see that than it did to see he was possibly dating someone else. Just the fact that he would even be in contact again with someone he repeatedly told me was psycho and unbalanced made me irate. My therapist couldn't understand why that made me so upset. I think it's because we expect more from them than to be so ridiculous... and they keep disappointing us by being just that.

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only day 3 of NC and im struggling big time, struggling to let go of all the assumtions i have of what actually happened because of all the lies you told to cover things up, i know you were still lying at the end....whether to protect me or yourself i don't know, all i know is your lack of respect for me and our relationship has completely destroyed me, trying so hard to let go of the facts but again its mostly the unknown that is killing me.... i know i deserve so much better and will get there one day, i know that but getting through this first phase is unbearable, how is it fair you have someone new to comfort you already, and the thing thats making you feel better is whats killing me.... i wish you knew how much pain im in, wish you could feel it too..... its a constant battle not to email you these feelings. My brain is logical in that sense, i know it will do no good and that i will get better but that doesn't help me in the moment now. i have the last few emails you sent me still even though i know i should delete them, i've gotten rid of everything else. i wish i still had the upper hand but i ruined that by calling you the other night, i was angry at you and i know you felt bad but now i just feel bad and you most likely look at me with pity..... have booked my tickets for two weeks from now, i know a new start will be good and i am looking forward to it but im scared i will still be paralyzed by my feelings and unable to cope.... i wish you knew all this but that doesn't make sense..... life will be so much better without you, i'll be able to travel and do the things i want, but of course now we're apart suddenly you want to travel too? is that so you can visit her? i hope i never find out. i loved you far too much

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I love you so much. Once again, it's you who's fine, you're the one who has all your friends, you go out, enjoy yourself, i had to come home because the sight of you, talking to a random girl was too much.

I might as well not be alive, i have nothing, i don't have you, i only have friends until september, then what do i have, my family hate me, you hate me, i hate myself.

I don't want to be here anymore. I'm nothing. I love you much. All you've done is talk about me and spread lies about me, i haven't said one bad word about you, i love you so so much. If this is the end, i just want you to know.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me, i mean that. You think i cheated, but i didnt. When that picture was taken we weren't together,i promise.

Not that it matters, we're never going to be together ever again. I just need you tell me to my face, and then i'll accept it. Ill accept you dont love me anymore, that you don't want to have children with me, have a life with me, just tell me.

You'll always be my baby, and i'll always love you. It is you. You're the one. I want to be your wife,i want us to be the way we were. But we won'yt be, because everyone hates me. Even you. I could never ever hate you, even when you cheated on me, just remember that, and how i forgave you.

I'm going to go now, i love you, and i always will. I hope you're happy in life, i hope you can be happy. I hope i can get over you once day.This hurts so much.

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You have forgotten about me... or deliberately ignoring me... You had a chance to see me last Friday, yesterday... but you didn't. Are you respecting my wishes of No Contact? Or just relieved to be scott free? Not a sight or hint of you in F.B. nor in Y.M. Acomplete contrast during our earlier B.U.s... I do not know what's going on in your head. There were signs, a lot of signes you were different... I wish you could just tell me that you've changed your mind and have come back to her completely... So I can move on... and not wait... When we broke up , albeit still confused, I hoped you'd accelarate everything and come back to me... Come back to me... please...

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Feel like total crap tonight. Just been a down kind of day anyways. Just packing, ran into my original ex before you. I really screwed up that situation in the past, and wish he and I had stayed friends. But yea, he's got a serious gf, a new place in the city, and I am unemployed and running away from my problems. Karma.

 

Well anyways, I just saw the stuff you put up, and I miss you. I hate to admit that, it makes me really sick, considering what a horrible person you are, but yeah it's the truth. Luckily the idea of contacting you is not even in my brain. But I have this sort of healthy fear, almost like an addict that i'm not trying to tempt myself or become too haughty. I know that deep down inside I am happy when you contact me or even try, even as manipulative as it is of you.

 

I knew that when I stopped answering your texts, you'd easily give up because I wasn't really important to you. I'm just having a venting moment. But yeah, at least I can pat myself on the back for 1 measly good decision this year, in the sea of bad decisions I made. 2012, despite it's completely turmoil and mess, is the year I forced myself to be strong and cut you off for good. I know I have had these moments with people in my past, but I don't remember what led up to me getting over them. I think with technology it's so much easier to cling onto the past, but in time I know i'll get over this.

 

I'm gaining back the one redeeming factor about myself that you always hated- my mystery. You will never see me again, you will never speak to me again, and I will stay clear of the people of my former life.

 

I will fake confidence, even though I know I don't have it at the moment. I'm just tired of beating myself up over mistakes. Like enough is enough, people screw up in life, you don't just write their life off. I'm not going to be mean, i'm just going to forget all the people of my former life existed, and start clean slate, brand new. No one has the authority to make me feel bad anymore. I don't care enough. I do care, but not enough to let you see that. I always had that going in my favor. People knew I wasn't a follower, I stood out, and they respected me for that. That just doesn't go away. I made the mistake of trusting and leaning on people who didn't deserve that...ESPECIALLY you, you never deserved my full loyalty.

 

But anyways, back to being independent, mysterious, unattached, and living a life you don't deserve to know anything about. You always knew I wasn't like the other girls, that I was intelligent, passionate and adventurous, and more than a mindless ditz. You settled for that crap, enjoy, because you're never getting me back. I can't wait until one day, when I work my way up again, and have my life together, because let's get real, i'm resilient, and always have been no matter how many people try to bring me down. You pushed me out, they didn't support me, now i'm vanishing, and you will not know anything about my life, nor will I care about yours.

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What you went through with your previous ex is nothing compared to the pain you're putting me through. So don't you dare ever play the victim. You just carry on loud and proud about how awesome your life is since you broke up with me and keep socializing with everyone around me and standing hovering over my shoulder knowing I'm in pain you heartless *****.

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I wake up every morning crying. Then I tire myself out again by checking to see if you messaged. Then I go back to bed. Waking up crying is the worst feeling ever. I felt okay after I distracted myself today. I usually do. But I can only distract myself for so long. My heart feels like it's sunk into my stomach right now. It hurts to think that you are probably out there feeling happier than ever to be rid of me. I'm trying to be strong but it's so so hard. Maybe one day I'll be okay for the entire day. Maybe I won't even think of you. I thought it was happening but here I am again, longing for some form of contact with you. Gone...

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was having a pretty good day today, accepting that even though you've hurt me i need to move on for my own sake, no point in wallowing in what you've done but then i let myself think about it, just for a few minutes and yet more questions come that i desperately want answered..... i've probably already covered this but i was told she was seen out there during the week but she wasn't working, how could you replace me so fast, were you that lonely you had to have another girl stay with you? and the number you called on the friday that was her wasn't it? did you go and see her before you went to jess?

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You will have to tell me, cos I am not contacting you. Please stop passing messages through others. I am moving on now I need to be loved and be in love, your personality disorder will be the breaking of you.! I now know how it is to be loved, she is fantastic. But I just need closure!! Tada x

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You'll always be my baby, no matter what. I will always love you. Take care my darling, i love you so so much, i just can't accept this is us, we're over. I'm never going to stop fighting for you. I made a mistake, but you need to be a man and let me explain myself, you've been spreading lies and you haven't even given me the chance to tell the truth. I never did that to you, i never told anyone about new years, and i forgave you. I love you. Hope you feel better today. Please, just talk to me. Everything's going to be okay.

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