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Hey. I got a promotion at work today and I know you would have been so proud of me. Wish I could have shared the good news with you. You knew how much my job meant to me. Hell, you're the one who gave me the idea to apply there.

 

In certain aspects, both positive and negative, I wouldn't be where I am today without you. That's huge. You made such an impact on my life, more than you even care to know. Me on the other hand, I'd be surprised if I even cross your mind at all at this point.

 

I tried my best with us, at least I can say that. I wouldn't have given up on us but you didn't want to be with me anymore for whatever reason. Was a tough pill to swallow...took me a few months to fully accept it. I stopped counting the months of NC though. It's pointless. As far as I'm concerned it's NC for life.

 

I know you're having a great time at CB right now. We were supposed to go...maybe I would have just been holding you back. Now you can take all the e you want without "getting in the way of my bad time", right?

 

Hope you're hooking up with pretty, perfect skinny, drugged out girls. Hope you're getting everything I couldn't give you. I know one day I will be good enough for someone, it just won't ever be you, and that made me sad for a while but in the end its just the way it is and I can't possibly change it.

 

Believe it or not, I still have immense amounts of love for you. I can't hate you. The intense anger has gone. Now it's just....blank space. I'll always keep our memories though, and I'll always keep the memory of us at our best. Just don't want to remember the worst anymore.

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It's going to be a whole full week of NC tomorrow... Same time lasy week we we're making love. The term goodbye sex didn't even come to mind. Just that it was the last. You even texted so. I remember so well. But still half feeling you as, like I always say viewed from the outside you were not mine. Although it felt like you were.

 

You are holding up so well. You never ever agreed before and would do anything for even a little bit of attention, of window so we can get back together. You are stronger that you say you are. I saw, felt it when you dropped me off. You are so willing now. Even distracted and a bit eager to go. Are you relieved from all the hurt I threw you. You always said,"You really know how, when and where to strike to hurt me." You finally agreed and boy, when you did, you really held up to your bargain of not being friends, of no contact, of not even a bit of news... no feelers on how you are... no feelers whatsoever.

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Scared of the weekend. You'll be together on the weekends. I won't be there to stop you anymore. Afraid of the weekends. But you were texting all the time. I'm sure you talk. Dreading the weekends. Afraid of Reality. You don't have to ignore her anymore. How many more weekends until I woudln't even notice it's the weekend anymore...

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It's been a while since i last saw you and it's not the same. i sure wish you were here. i thought we were great together and judging by you reactions so did you.

I miss you, i miss touching you, kissing you, just watching you while you fall asleep next to me and when you are the first thing that i see when i open my eyes.

And it hurts me when i think, that i will probably never get to hold you again.

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My head knows one thing, my heart knows another. I know I am absolutely doing the right thing for once in a very very long time. I made so many mistakes the past 3 years, and I knew I never had a full peace of trusting you in my life. Today it really is over. You tried to contact me the last few days, asking to see me, then blaming me, then telling me i'm wrong for thinking what I was thinking, then calling, now nothing.

 

I know you know what i'm thinking because you absolutely know it's true, and you know that you had to find a way to explain lying to me for an entire year. I know myself well enough that somehow, in my compassionate/too forgiving mindset, I would look past all of that and still want you in my life. It's just not right anymore, and I know that if I don't start beginning to really deal with all of this now in my life, it's just going to go on for years. It's not fair anymore. I don't want to feel this way forever.

 

I think I have always had this mindset of what can I do to make everything better? I always seem to put more responsibility on myself, and less on the guy. The truth is, that sort of mindset destroyed me, and I wound up always putting up with less than I deserved. Now that I know that this is clearly my flaw, I can't ignore it anymore and pretend it doesn't exist. I know myself, and know that even if I wanted to contact you and tell you off one last time, it wouldn't be one last time, you would find a way into manipulating me into thinking I need to fix things (even though you clearly were the liar all along, and theres picture proof), and I can't handle that.

 

I admit defeat, I admit that i'm not strong enough to handle that. But I am strong enough not to contact you. I can physically shut down all my means of communication, and I can actively start a new life.

 

This is the first time that your actions have had real consequences. I have always let you back in my life, I always looked past everything, I always forgave you. You finally lost me because of this.

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I really am venting today. I dont know what it is about today. There is a lot of waves, you come and go. I know you felt loved, I know it was genuine and I felt like you wanted more. I guess for some reason you didn't, or you did but now you don't. I don't know. You tell me. Tell me, because I do want to hear it. I can't get you ou of my freaking mind, you are always there, in the morning, during the day, at night. But you are not really here. And i miss you like crazy. I am wondering why did you give up on us?

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We are friends. We are not emenies. Why should we be talking to each other?

 

I admit it... I broke off with you in the hopes that it would speed things with you & her. Leave should you decide to leave... stay should you decide to stay... The weekend. You must be together this weekend... Not having me anymore. Will you look at her for consolement. Or would you ask her for forgiveness...

 

I hate it that I may never know the answer....

 

You asked me to write, to take time even for an hour to write the good things about you. I don't have to. You are perfect. Everything you did to, for and with me are perfect. Except for one thing... and I only need a second to write it down... You have a girfriend.

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I haven't even begun my process of NC, but I'll start tomorrow. I'm really dreading it because I'm desperate to hear from you and that's why I've been calling and texting you so much, but everybody tells me to have more self-respect and put down the phone.

How am I supposed to let go of someone that I love? I'm sorry that I let you down and disappointed you so many times. You didn't deserve any of the pain that I put you through, but I hope that if I give you space, that you'll forgive me someday soon because I really am going to get help for the issues I'm dealing you. I can't hurt you ever again. And I still want to be with you. I'm going to come back for you when I'm truly a better person. And I'm going to hope that a part of you still misses me and believes in my changes. But first I have to prove it to myself. I really miss you and I still love you.

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I don't know what you mean by 'socialize'. I think I made it clear 2 months ago when I told you we have no basis for a friendship or relationship. But we WILL have this tie now for the next 18 years. Learn to differentiate. I have tried to involve you all the way around as much as I can. You don't bite. I feel sorry for you as you'll not have this exact opportunity again, but I guess that's on you. It never occurred to me, to be an ass and not set you up for any involvement...I WANT you to be involved. Not for me. For them. And I'll be frank here, I've gone above and beyond. But as you say..."It's not like they're REAL"...Not real, huh? Ok...I suppose I just have a barbie's play house in my belly.

 

But please, don't "accuse" me of trying to socialize when I am only updating you on our common tie here. You are not the man for me, I don't think you ever would be. You know what my stipulation was. Even if you went through with all of it now, while I could forgive you I'm pretty sure I'd not be able to let it go to the point where we could have a friendship...Let alone a relationship. But I want to be civil. It's what we need to be. I'm sorry that you can't, because you're seriously missing out here...I think you will regret this one day, that you allowed your feelings to get in the way of seeing your baby grow. If it were just me, I'd never talk to you again and be quite content with that...But it's not you and I anymore. Grow up. Quickly. Only a couple months left.

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Now it's goodbye forever. Haven't heard from you since. Not sure if you blocked my number or not. I don't know if I want to find out. I don't want to be a creep but seriously you don't have to block me. I'm not harassing you. 3 weeks ago we were about to move in together, 2 weeks ago you broke up with me but told me you had sexual dreams about me and that in another dream I was talking to a new girl and you were jealous. Then we almost had sex. Then you pushed me away again and said we are just friends. Now you tell me you want to see other people, move out of the country, block my number, and never be my friend.

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Oh man, my brain and body is sore from just thinking all the time. Not only thinking about you, just thinking about my life and how the hell did I get to this place.

 

You haven't contacted me today, and I know from this point forward you won't anymore. I feel like crap and just need to lay low for awhile. However long it takes actually. I know you well enough to know your way of thinking. I know that you attempted out of pure ego, and once I didn't give you what you wanted you will do your usual "Fine, you're dead to me anyways, my life is better without you" nonsense. But this time things are different because i'm not holding on to any last drop of remaining hope with you. You don't want me, then ok, you have the girl you wanted. I always gave into what you wanted, because I was scared of really finally losing you, but you took advantage of that and me overall.

 

You will never have the same effect of me because now if you don't want to be in my life, fine, ok, you're not. I used to beg you to give me chances. It makes me so disgusted thinking back on how you carelessly stomped on my heart, without a bit of remorse.

 

It always takes a couple weeks for me to give up NC and try to say my last word with you, but this time is different. Everyone has been telling me I need to learn my lessons, and now I am, i'm finally doing what is right. No matter what, I refuse to give in. You hurt me way too much, and you don't even feel bad about it. You don't feel bad, you don't want to ever take responsibility for how you hurt me, so go live your life. I will forget you.

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Nothing like space and time to show who your REAL friends are.

 

I'm so beyond pissed that it doesn't even matter at this point. You all are non-existent in my world from this point forward. I'm completely uninterested in anything going on in your lives, and don't give a **** anymore.

 

You are worse than the ex before you. You used me when you were feeling low, and you always had her on the side. You would flirt with her, then tell me what a sl*t she is, and hangout with me. And true to form, you are now with her again, as soon as I left. You are scum, I hate you, and I hope you fall apart like you deserve.

 

I was your friend through everything, I stood by you and was always there for you. Now that I needed you, you abandoned me and told me you didn't even want friendship. You ARE a failure, your family was right. You are going to go through the rest of your life being a failure. And even if you get promotions or different jobs, it doesn't make you successful. You are still a selfish person, and only care about getting ahead.

 

I absolutely hate you. And as for my "friends" who have now sided with you, they are dead to me as well. I never wrote back to their texts, and I don't intend to ever write back.

 

I can't wait til this chapter of my life is closed. I'm completely moving on from all of you and your stupid self absorbed drama. I'm above it, i'm over it, and it's awesome because I never have to see any of you again. I don't plan to ever. Let's see how close all of you stay when everything falls apart in your lives. Let's see what wonderful friends you are. You are all so fake. But like I said, I rose above because now I AM the one who rejected you.

 

I've vanished, i've shut you out, it's over.

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I did a lot of reading today and I think you have some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Or maybe you're just a jerk and I'm just looking for excuses for your behavior. It's like, no matter what I do, you find ways to sabatoge things between us. Everytime we get close you disappear. You have some issues that you need to deal with, and so do I....

 

What really sucks is that we actually had a connection that was beyond physical, but you won't let it blossom. I can't deal with this anymore. I need someone that can give me exactly what I deserve and you aren't capable of giving it to me.

 

At the end of the day, I only wish the best for you and I hope you overcome the obstacles in your way, because you're a great guy and deserve what ever you set your mind to. You will always have a place in my heart.

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Your friendship was true. Your concern was genuine. You wanted to go through my trials together. You wanted to be there and hold my hand for baby and her therapy. You wanted me to excel in work. You wanted me to be a better mom to eldest as you say she may be taller than you but she's still a kid. You wanted to improve your finances. Even if it meant getting up not even early but getting out of bed

 

But I rebelled. You know why... I couldn't connect because you had her.

 

Although you said you didn't love her anymore, you are still there.

 

Now I am faced to go through all these alone. Sometimes I could settle with just your friendship and support because I need you... so much...

 

But then I'd be consumed again... by you...

 

It was take it and wait... Leave it and still wait...

 

Sometimes I wish I could have taken the latter. Then I'd had your friendship... then I'd have your support... Then I'll have a hand to hold...

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