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I broke up with you for the better for us both. You helped me waste 4 years of my life on someone who couldn't even after 4 years learn how to treat me like the man she wanted to marry. You constantly put down every little fact about me and belittled everything about me. I will FOREVER not EVER let a women do this to me again. I remember our beginnings as young freshman in college where we spent our first days going to the gym together.... dates at that awesome italian place ... and strolls through town.....

 

...But... those days are forever gone. I still love you very much, but see in the long run its probably better we be friends down the line. I am in no state of mind right now to be friends as the 4 years together and nearly a week broken up still are ripping me a new one inside.

 

I will love you forever; but I refuse to allow myself anymore hurt. I start working f/t in 2 days, so its best I try to get myself established.

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Thinking about you again today... in a few hours, it will have been a week since you broke up with me. It feels like so much longer... maybe because we haven't spoken in a few days. I miss you a lot. I wish we could instantly become friends instead of lovers. I wonder if you're thinking about me right now, thinking about our relationship, or whether you're already beginning to forget me. The best would be if you're getting ready to think about reconciliation, about trying harder to make it work.

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Sigh, things have been so hectic last couple of days with the storm and with work. Time feels both fast and slow. In between bursts of activity and chaos, I think of you in the brief moments of stillness. I wonder how you are doing. Your new painting looks... I wonder if it's a pure coincidence or it's related at all to me. Maybe that's just my wishful thinking and it has nothing to do with me. I miss you. But I am also starting to heal. I really did think you were the one. I hope you are well.

Edited by lilypadgirl
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I went to the Canada Day concert tonight. I stood in the exact same spot I stood when I met you almost a year ago. Not out of nostalgia. It's where I always stand for the concerts. It is the best place to get photographs. Yes I kept looking for you. One moment hoping you would show up. Then next hoping you wouldn't. I had a great time tonight. I felt like I was taking back my life. I'm not going to stop doing the things I am passionate about because of you. The things we were passionate about.

 

Then I had to drive by your house on the way home. There isn't another route. I saw your business sign on the side of the road. I remember how that was my marker to turn left to come and stay at your place. I've had to drive by it a few times. The first few times I drove by I would look up the driveway and hope I would see you. A stupid habit. And I remember once I did see you. And you heard the bike and looked right at me. I thought maybe seeing me again you would call. You didn't. And now a month later I won't look. I don't want to see another bike in your driveway. I don't want to see you.

 

Now I'm sitting hear alone at home. As I write this the framed photo you gave me for xmas is staring me in the face. The photo I took at the blues festival. Our first weekend away together. The framed photo of me and the boys you took is right behind me. And I miss you. Oh how I miss you.

 

So many dreams gone. So many shared passions. It's so hard to find someone that shares those passions. You were so eager to my partner in business. So eager to get married some day. And then you just lost interest. And all I can do is wait until time heals this pain. I can't talk to you. I can't see you. You walked away so easily. You've never contacted me. Sometimes I'm so angry. You were so irresponsible with my heart. I don't want to be angry you are only human. And bitterness does me no good. I do wish someday you find complete happiness and fulfillment.

 

Some heart breaks are harder than others. This is the hardest of them all. I've been through a marriage. I've been through so many trials and tribulations. Yet I can't shake you. Most days now I'm O.K. and I wouldn't have you back anyways. Not after how you just so easily walked away. But that doesn't stop me from missing you and loving you.

 

Next month there will be another concert. It will be exactly one year from when I met you. I will be there. I will stand in the exact place where I met you. And like tonight I will enjoy myself. And like tonight I might be sad when I get home after the music has stopped. I'll deal with that then.

 

I was going to ask you to marry me on our first year anniversary.

 

I keep thinking I should contact you on that day. Maybe a quick email. Just something along the lines of how nice it was to at least of had you in my life. But I've come a long way. And if you didn't answer it would just set me back. I'm not going to write it. If I have to I'll just come here again.

Edited by Sportster2005
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I struggle to keep NC with you and do so well !! Then you call me out of the blue, just hearing your voice makes my life so difficult. I want to say and do so much with you, but you say it is dead you can be nasty, then you call me!! I'm sorry for the woman who wants to be in my life, she loves me but I'm still in love with you..... Why can't you just tell me you still love me!! See what you do when I hear your voice, I tried to be as aloof as possible without being rude, then you text me with a kiss on the end of it. Please please if you are playing games stop, if you mean it say it!! Do one or the other!! Or just do one and get out of my life completely!!

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I'm sad to be posting on here.

We really did have it all... and seeing you say that you still loved me brought me back into wishful thinking about being together...

your reluctance to leave in the end made it all spiral downhill for me.. I was willing to fight for you, for us, I did fight for us, but I saw no interest in us anymore from you.

I at least thank you for showing me to not be afraid of being myself... but I wish things could work out between us.

right now I'm at the point that I'm half and half about getting back together, but I ultimately know that I would be more happy in the long run if we did work things out.

I've learned that my life without you is much simpler.. but I'm willing to go back to the unsureness, because I love you..

I hope you still think of me, I hope you haven't moved on and forgotten me, and ultimately, I hope you haven't found that life without me is better than life with me...

but in the end, do what makes you happy, I'm not going to force anything upon you, I'm not going to make you feel guilty any longer... no more..

I'm sorry for ever hurting you..

Do what makes you happy.

I love you.

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I don't know how some other people manage it..moving on from you is just difficult for me. I still hope you call, not so much to get back together but I don't know, just to say hello. We did and shared so much together. I don't know where to go with love without you. I can't picture the next bf and I am shocked we haven't talked in so long. Does it not feel wrong to you I wonder..

At least now I am accepting it a bit more but I still expect to hear from you because I can't believe that love turns into this, I can't believe that what you and I had turns into this.

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Woke up this morning and still can't get you out of my mind!! Why do I want you to call, why do I want you to love me again? So many unanswered questions and I really want to be with you again. I find that I can't move on, I have tried but as much as I try and distance myself the more I want to be with you!! It is mad and my brain aches!!

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I hurt you. When you wanted to be closer to me and said you had feelings for me, I said I didn't. Even though I did. I've said so much to you since you dumped me 5 weeks ago. At first you were just mad, but I made the situation worse by letting my BPD take over myself and blow up your phone. We have not gone for more than 12 hours without me texting you about how sorry I am or how much I miss you in my life. How much I want a second chance to prove myself and never hurt you again. We were supposed to finally have dinner this past Saturday, but you canceled because you felt sick and stayed home. Then I asked some questions and you told me you kissed another guy last Wednesday night. I feel betrayed and hurt. You don't owe me an explanation, but I specifically told you I am waiting for you. I've repeated it over and over along with "I will leave you alone and stop pursuing you if that's what you want". You never said no. After 3 weeks of ignoring me you finally started responding to my texts after I sent you flowers. However, now we are back at it. After you told me you kissed another guy, I said some mean things to you. I can be stupid when hurt and angry and say stuff I later regret and thats not who I want to be.

 

I went to the bar you work at on Sunday because I was being ignored all over again and couldn't deal with it. You blocked me on FB and deleted me of Twitter even though I rarely use it. I went to ask you "Do you not feel bad? How could u hurt me and not apologize?" but when I sat at the bar and you were being yourself, the same self I fell for I couldn't get mad. I wanted to tear up. You looked so gorgeous wearing that corset. Instead we had small talk and we talked about our lives and my trip recently for work. Then I got down to business and you said everything I did to win you back made you run for the hills. However, I started acting better the past week and a half so you wanted to have dinner but now you aren't sure anymore because of the hurtful things I said Saturday. I got a little bit of reconciliation since this is the first time we really talked or seen each other in 5 weeks. You texted me and said you made it home safely at 4am after work, but the next day you were cold again.

 

When I asked why you wanted to have dinner with me if you don't miss me more than a friend and ore have feelings for me, our text conversation ended with you saying "Leave me alone". Then said you are mad at me because I am blowing you up again, but I wasn't. I thought we were having a conversation. You asked me for space and said I'd lose you if I didn't give it to you. I feel empty and scared you'll run off with someone else. I stopped texting you in hopes I win you back and get that dinner again, but I don't know how I can live not knowing what you doing or who you are with. You are bad at communicating your emotions due to your past traumatic experiences so I am not sure if I ever hear back from you again. I am going No Contact finally, but it's harder then hell. I miss you like crazy and just 5-6 weeks ago you were head over heels for me and wanted me to claim you as my GF. I was scared to open up. It's all my fault. I ****ed up, but I want to be a better man for you and show you how loving and caring I can be when I am fully open about my fears.

 

Yesterday you said you didn't have feelings for me when I asked how could you hangout with someone else while miss me. I know what you felt like now when I said I didn't have feelings for you and you did. I want another chance. How could you lose your feelings for me so quickly and I haven't?

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you wanna know why i'm upset? it's not because you're with someone, it's not because you went and got engaged and didn't tell me. well, okay that last one is part of it..

but that's because as someone who wanted to be my "friend" - you'd think you'd share that information with me instead of lying and hiding it. but whatever.

 

i'm upset and cannot forgive you because you KNEW how i felt about you, you KNEW you didn't want sh-t to do with me... and instead of doing the right thing and letting me go when i told you how i felt about you, you continued to come back and string me along.

 

now you wanna sit there and feed me bullsh-t lines about how i'm an amazing person and you hope i find someone and blah blah blah. that's all sh-t you should have said 2 years ago when i wrote you a letter telling you how i felt about you.

instead? you chose to come back, put me through another 6 months of hell, and then tell me you just wanna be friends after your little friend upstate came back.

 

what you did was wrong. i have every right to hate you and be upset. i have every right to tell you to f-ck yourself and to go die.

 

so f-ck you.

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So sick of not hearing from you, talking to you, smiling at you and seeing you smile at me. Miss your weirdness, your cuteness, your *****iness, your awkwardness, your awesomeness. I'm done not being in contact with you. It's stupid and it sucks. And I wish to god you would miss me a hell of a lot more than you're missing me right now. BREAK dammit. Break down, and have a moment of weakness, hear about me, think about me, dream about me, and be reminded of me all at the same time.

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Around noon today I started being pissed off at you instead of sad. What's the matter with you? So we had some arguments... and? You couldn't stick it out? Pleeease. Don't tell me you couldn't make it work - we were in a long-term committed relationship! You make things work, yo. I need a boyfriend I can rely on to help me through thick and thin. I thought I could reveal my true self to you, because I guess you weren't the right guy for the job.

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It's been 5 days since you completely broke me. I am trying SO HARD to understand what is going on in your head. What exactly you're thinking. I want to talk to you so bad but every time I do I get all emotional and start asking questions and you just push me away. I want to be your friend and I want to start over so you can fall in love with me all over again. But then again I don't. I want a boyfriend who I got along with just as well, and laughed and joked with just as hard but I want someone that wants to be with me - someone who wants to be there for me when I need them and who doesn't just come see me when it is convenient for them. I'm starting to realize you never really did any of these things for me. I know that you tried, you really tried to change, but I want someone to fight for me and make me feel special and less like a burden. But at the same time I am so in love with you and what we had and was truly happy.

 

I just want to know so bad if you are thinking of me, if you wake up and then are smacked with the realization that i'm not there anymore. I want you to call me so bad like you did everyday after work to tell me what happened that day. I remember one time you told me "i just love calling you all the time because i love hearing your voice and it makes me happy no matter what." I want you to tell me how happy you are that I'm yours again. I hope you're listening to all the mix cds I made for you that we always listened to in your car. and i hope when you're driving you reach over to the passenger seat and realize my hand is not there to hold anymore. I just hope all this time apart makes you realize what a huge mistake you made.

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Can't believe that I saw you last night, went to meet the kids and you were meant to be out!! Why did you say sorry?? Why don't you miss me and hurt as much as I do about you? I am drowning, god I miss you!! No sleep, plenty of tears (again!!!) and now I feel like crap and have to start trying to not contact you all over again. Someone stop this sad, emotional ride, I want to get off !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Yup u did it again and you never seem to amaze me...i dont get you..you dont even treat me like a friend..i would never treat you the way you talked to me...keep that up and nobody will ever want to be in a relationship anymore..your not 10..grow up

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I sometimes wonder if you do miss me. I've been a mess over these past few days. Still cannot believe you are taking your mate to the concert tomorrow.. if this were me, I wouldn't even be able to still go because so many of the songs remind me of us. It is just breaking my heart. Everytime I close my eyes, your face is all I see. Yet how, I wonder, could that face show such extremes, from the love and affection you showed me one minute.. to the pure anger and hatred during your outbursts... I just don't understand. I sold my soul for our relationship.. and now I am just an empty shell, existing from one day to the next. I wish ... no, I'm not going to say it.. I don't wish for you to suffer... I just wish I knew that you felt some sense of remorse for everything. I will never get over this.

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Sooooo, back to square 1, one whole day yesterday no texts, no calls, no emails, BUT it was such a rubbish lonely day!! I miss you so much and just want you to miss me too and to tell me that you miss me!! Over 20 Years together and you can move on just like that??? I know my inner self says if that's the case I must be better off without you, however I just want you to let me love you as I know I can. I have to make sure I do NOT contact you today, one day at a time!! I love and miss you so much...

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