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Post here instead of contacting your ex!


Nynnja
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I am so * * * * ing pathetic. I texted you again today and said how much I love you and miss you. I didn't suggest getting back together, or beg/plead or anything like that, I just told you how I feel, but it's still pathetic. You responded saying you were just about to message me because you didn't want me to feel like you weren't thinking about me. That's nice to know, but it's obviously motivated by pity, or feeling sorry for me because I'm going through such a hard time. Do you know what's even more pathetic? I paid for a psychic reading earlier on (!) - Jesus, what is going on! This is the level to which I've fallen in my pointless quest for the tiniest bit of hope. I know I need to just drop out of sight and present a strong front, but it's so tough to do that at the moment. It's only been two weeks since the break-up and I'm still a complete wreck. As I said, it's pathetic, and I need to get my act together.

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No more from you today but you're on mind after you texted yesterday. I hate seeing your photo on facebook and your name on spotify it just makes me sick. You tell people how happy you are with her, how perfect she is like you just want me to find out. You text me four days after agreeing not to talk so we can move on despite the fact you OFFICIALLY moved on the day after. That doesn't include the fact that you were telling her she was beautiful and that you liked her before you broke up with me. And all the bits in between. You're truly heartless. I just need to leave you behind now. If you ever want to be friends again like you swear you do then you need to understand what you're doing to me.

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....as I sit here wondering and hoping that you are feeling the void that I filled. I keep trying to block you then I unblock you a couple hours later. I hate the fact that I am the one running all over the place right now trying to avoid my own house. I cannot stay in here alone for too long before I find myself back out in the car driving around like some kind of lost soul.

 

Yeah....call it running away...it is, but I cannot stand sitting alone with all of this. It is way bigger than I am right now.

 

If you had doubts - enough to know that you resisted them, why didn't you tell me? Why did this not come out sooner?

How much was faked?

 

and right now, no...why should you get all the good parts of me as a "friend" when I got picked up and put behind a barrier with no warning? Obviously there must have been some good about me - to want to salvage that.

 

We had 5 years and even more in friendship before that - they say this could take years.

 

Enjoy my silence - I hope it becomes deafening.

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man, i can't believe i am starting to regress. i had been so strong. this break up has been the best for me regarding NC but for some reason, the loneliness and the void i feel seems like it's getting worse. i was really proud of myself but i feel myself getting weaker.

 

i've been making a list of all the things i didn't like about her and the relationship and it was long! i even wrote down my feelings of being lonely and i know, intellectually, this feeling i have right now isn't really about my ex. but it can get so confusing!

 

she tried to contact me a few times but i ignored her. she knows i am ignoring her. yet, i want her to contact me again. but, i know i will not get what i want or hear what i want to hear. but i still want to speak to her! this is nuts!

 

i memorized her contact info (not on purpose) so even though i deleted it all, i know it's her when she tries to text me or call me. i also know her email address and AIM by heart. i wish i could erase that part of my memory. luckily i decided to remove myself off of FB before this break up happened.

 

i will not contact my ex, i will not contact my ex, i will not contact my ex...

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I know the guy I miss and love doesn't exist anymore. I miss a feeling and memory that was from the past. It is a memory of happiness and a feeling absent of loneliness. I don't think it will be possible to be friends. That just postpones the inevitable. We have been down that road before. It is unfortunate for me that I cannot consider you my enemy. I know you will have no problems putting our time together up on a shelf to collect dust. Your mind will stubbornly cling to something you will have imagined- pity it could not be based on a truth. Of course I will always pray for you and your happiness and prosperity. We cannot always help the cards life dealt to us, but we can control how we respond. Here in my mind I will pretend you apologized what you have done to me, and for taking advantage of my heart. In the end I know you were not going to change- were never going to be happy- and our relationship would be doomed.

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Hi H,

 

It's been 600 days since our last contact and I've since dated a few women.. and though one of them ended in epic fashion (far more drama than ours, and ours was a lot!), none of them were you. Even though it has been two plus years and I imagine wedding bells are near for you, I do miss having you in my life even just as a friend.

 

Happy Birthday H! Hope you have a great day and your family, friends and guy make it a great one.

 

Take care always..

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Well I started the day waking up from a dream where I went over to yours and met another of your friends and it all seemed so fun and easy and right and I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you. And then I woke up and realised again that things were over and I had to process that in my brain.

 

And then I discovered you were actually back into online dating again only two weeks after we've split up. I really want to hack your profile and warn these women what you're really like. But I won't because I will keep my dignity and watch from a distance.

 

If there's one thing I regret, it's breaking up with you in anger and wanting to hurt you as much as you hurt me. You've probably been left with the wrong impression of what I objected to about your dodgy online liaisons and you'll probably paint me as a psycho ex that cut up your t-shirt and returned it in the post.

 

But today has been the first day when I have really started to realise that it's over and I will probably never see you or speak to you again. The Apprentice finished tonight - when it started, we were in love and now it's over. Also I tried to clear out my email inbox a bit this afternoon and I couldn't do it. It reminded me of too many times together, even down to the football photos I received while we were away in York.

 

So many reminders of you today, it's taken its toll. My sports app which has my second team listed as yours. The place by the TV where the DVDs I borrowed from you stood for so long. Funny comments you made while we were in the kitchen and I was cooking, silly things about how fast I'd peeled a potato, me bending over to fetch something out of the fridge, me giving you a cockney piano lesson.

 

You were a con artist all right, and I suppose a good one at that. You hid your cheating tendencies and your addiction and had such a tangled existence I think sometimes you believed your own lies. God knows how you sleep at night. I still mourn the loss of the "nice" side of you, whilst realising what a lucky escape I've had from the devious you. And yes, I still miss you a lot, and really wish you'd been the person I thought you were.

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"Do you know, deep down I always knew I was not good enough for you.. but I tried so hard. I also know how rubbish you felt about yourself and that you had no self-esteem but I wanted you to see how much I loved you for who you are and I would have done anything for you.. I thought the bad things were getting better and I was so excited about all our plans for this year and for the future.. I am finding this so hard to bear and I wish you would talk to me cos I havent had chance to have my say about everything and get some closure. I don't deserve this, I am a good person and I just want some closure so I can move on and rebuild my emotions and life"

 

Hi, I have only just joined the forum, this is my first ever post and I'm currently putting together my story and will post this in a new thread soon as I am pretty down at the moment. Looking forward to getting to know everyone. CBB xx

Edited by crashboombang
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It is my birthday today.....the first without you. And it was good. I'm not going to lie. I had a fun time with a bunch of friends, the weather has been beautiful, and I have been happy. But now here we are at the end of the day. And I have to admit to myself that there was a small, tiny part of me that wanted to hear from you today. I knew that I wouldn't. But still....

 

I am a bit frustrated with myself. Everything is so much better now than it was a year ago....my last birthday. I should be concentrating on all that I have done, all the positive changes I have made, the progress, the new life that I have built for myself, by myself, without you. It wasn't easy, but I pulled it all together and came out better. So I am a bit angry with myself that I am ending the day sitting here crying over you.

 

I miss you. Still. I know that I really shouldn't. At this point it has been so long, it is so far gone....we both have whole new lives. It's all just memories at this point. Good and bad. I wonder when I will stop having moments like this. When I will stop missing you. Someone told me that I might always....and I needed to accept that and learn to live with it.

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Do you have ANY idea how lucky you were?! You were so lucky!!! You had it so good!!! You're the one who told me I'm the best lover you've ever had...told me I make you feel like no one else has ever made you feel...told me you loved me like you've never loved anybody, and I loved you like you'd never been loved. Don't you realized how good you had it?! I'm a CATCH. When I met you, I had already gone through my crazy relationship - you know, the one where you act totally f***ed up and learn from your mistakes? I already went through that. When I met you, I was healthy. Stable. Centered. I was ready to be a good partner to someone, and you got lucky.

 

I'm the guy everyone wishes for. I'm warm, kind, open, smart, funny, sexy. All of your friends and family swoon over me, always. I've never smothered you or made you feel suffocated, because I have a busy, active, independent life. I go to counseling, handle my s*** on my own, communicate openly and compassionately, and take care of my business. I was always there for you, ALWAYS. You trusted me, leaned on me, cried on my shoulder SO F***ING MUCH. And I listened and made you feel safe. Always.

 

I was an amazing partner, and you told me that all the time - even as we were breaking up. What you don't know, because you've never had a serious partner, is how rare that is. You have no idea how much of the dating pool is unhealthy, selfish, un-self-aware idiots. You have no idea how long it is going to take you to find someone else like me. You have no idea how much you are going to miss me. You have no idea how much you gave up when you let me go. I know you're going to regret this - maybe you already do - and the sad part is, by the time you come to that realization, it will be too late.

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Funny how you always have to create an issue when there is nothing wrong...like ive been saying since we started talking again..are YOU ok with the situation..things have been fine with us for the last 2 weeks then out of no where, you bring up some bs asking if im ok and if im getting attached..i said no..i feel your starting to gain feelings again and thats why you keep asking me. Ive been acting the same and you have been acting weird the past 2 days. Just let things flow for once without overthinking everything

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Hi you, today I've been at a theme park all day with H and it's been such a good day, probably the first good day I've had since we broke up. All day though I kept thinking about how much fun it would have been if you'd have been there too with your son C. And there were some brilliant, funny moments I'd have loved to share with you - like the one on the pirate ship with the dad who kept saying "Oh shoooot, this is too much, make it stop" and we all thought he was joking but he wasn't and he was seriously hating it! You'd have loved that.

 

And today was the first day I've had to drive down the motorway past the junction for your house. It was weird taking that route and not feeling the same excitement and expectation that I used to when I approached Junction 26. I gave you an invisible wave as we went past, a kind of salute to the good times and the happy memories. I felt a bit emotional and a bit sad and a bit like I want to come back and see you. But I know I won't.

 

Oh God you were a fool to risk our love on some cheap (or not so cheap) thrills. What a stupid wicked thing to do. We could have had so many good times together.

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Dear T: You have behaved like a cowardly, cheating, deceitful, using, B......ard. After claiming you'd never met anyone like me (as sweet, kind and good to you and your mom), in truth, you couldn't wait to get away from me and your responsibilities here. You didn't even have the balls to end it w/me yourself - basically your neice had to ask me to force you to admit you were breaking up! And you have the sickening gall to leave your mother for me to care for (who I've been supporting since last October)Then, I find out from your dear friend "L," that you never had any intention of moving me up there. You allowed me to give away countless belongings to others knowing full well I would need those things when I finally learned I wouldn't be joining you. I'm furious w/myself for not paying attention to all those red flags going off like little light bulbs in my head these days. I don't want you back; why would I want to be with someone who treated me this way? On top of that, you're already w/someone else, and probably were before you left for Alaska!!! Nearly every day I hear of or discover yet another lie you told. It's disgusting. I don't care to hear another word out of your mouth, because I can pretty much guarantee it won't be the truth!

 

Thanks for a safe place to do this ENA!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I'm an idiot for still keeping your friends on my FB. Every time I see pictures of you, I feel like a dagger goes right through my heart. I hate seeing you so close to other girls, all high and drunk smiling from ear to ear. You're having such a good time while I have no one.

 

I really don't want to see these pictures so WHY haven't I de-friended them? It's not like they were ever nice to me. I guess a part of me still wants to know what you are up to. But I've confirmed you're just fine, if not better, and all it does is make me fall backwards along my path to healing. I'm only hurting myself here.

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i'm sorry i was selfish. i thought i was the sh*t. but really, it was you who made me who i am today. you were there for me since day 1 and i couldn't even be there for you when your mom died. man i'm so * * * * ing sorry. you have no idea how much i regret that. i wish i never broke up with you. i wish i never thought that there would be better girls out there. you gave me your all, but my pride just wouldn't let me accept it. you're the one that got away. i know keeping our space will be best for both of us. i just wish i didn't miss you so much. i always wonder if you still think about me.

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I know you broke up with me because I didn't have enough drive and determination to become successful in life, but i want to tell you that I have it now and I've never been so determined as I am now. Im pissed that you admitted i actually did change instantly after you brought up the reason of why you wanted to break up with me, but said its too late. Well now, I've been constantly trying to come up with something and to this day, I still hope you reach out to me and reconcile, but i know you're too prideful to do that and will never contact me ever again. Was I that horrible to you that i don't deserve more time? When you had such a rough time with school, family, AND work, i was there for you 24/7. I tried to get your mind off of it by taking you out, but now that you've become successful, i believe thats why you changed.

 

I hate how money came into the picture and all you thought about now was how I'm not making nearly as much as you. Yes, i work part time and a part time student, while others out there are full time at both, but I'm working banking hours which does not let me get the engineering classes i need to take because those are only offered in the afternoon. Im pissed that you don't see it that way and only see it as me half-assing my life. Not everyone could be lucky like you and had your parents pay for your school and housing. I have to pay for my own way through school and survive on my own. Yes, i live at home, but you know my family is having financial problems and my parents don't even talk anymore ever since my dad cheated on my mom. Who knows how much longer they'll live under the same house... They can't help me because they have their own problems to deal with.

 

Why couldn't you stay with me? what don't you see in me that you're looking for out there? you said i treated you right and taught you that there are guys out there like me that aren't jerks. Yet you still leave me in the dust? all of the sacrifices I've made for you didn't matter? This sucks balls knowing that you could just forget about me because you don't need me anymore to help you when you're down because you're sooo successful now. I seriously don't wish anything bad to happen to you but I'm not gonna lie, i am rooting for the day that you lose you're job just so this way i can see how you'd react when you're down in the dumps again.

 

Im pissed at you and pray for one day i become so successful that you see my name on every corner you turn on just it becomes a reminder of what you * * * * ing gave up on.

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I can't feel badly toward you as you treated me so well for the vast majority of our relationship. I know you loved me and probably, judging by your last text, which you apologised for as you were breaking your own no contact rule, you still do.

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Hi, it's me. Again. I don't know how long it's going to take me to move on and I don't really care. I'm moving on a bit I think. I don't want to let go of memories, but with every wave of pain and sadness I seem to moving further away from the trauma of your addiction. In a very sarcastic way, I am bloody glad you're moving on so fast - heading for a crash and burn? Can't help thinking you deserve this but I also worry about you and hope you're going to be OK.

 

Today I went to softplay with J and her youngest. We were talking about everything and it was a right good catch up. But even then, with one of my best friends, I felt like I had to make an effort and force myself to chat and be good company. I'm not myself at the moment. This is the effects of your actions. This is what it does. I don't think you'll ever even understand how I felt about what you did. You only think of it in terms of the effects that it has on you - costing you money, costing you your relationship with me.

 

We talked a bit about the break up and how the cover story is that we're blaming "bloody S" for being the clingy ex from hell. It's hard having friends have to cover for the real reason, but I don't want everyone to know how very badly I was treated by you. I guess your plan is to live life in two parts - the outside bit with a regular girlfriend and being the devoted and loving boyfriend, and then your other bit with dommes, online dommes, chat, pics and clips. I wonder if you really realise that's cheating and lying to someone. I bet you don't.

 

I'm so tired of the pain and the emptiness of not being with you. I asked myself today whether I just miss being with someone or whether it's specifically you. Yes, it's definitely and specifically you that I miss, crazy though that is. But I miss the nice, outer side of you, not the dark, addictive side. I miss it a lot.

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You won, okay? You won. You got the best of me. You have successfully broken me and left me feeling empty inside for far too long. You don't even know how I've been feeling this whole time and the worst part is that you never even cared. Even if I tried to control you or was clingy at times, you know I meant well and you know I was genuinely good-hearted.

 

Is it even you anymore that is upsetting me? Or just the situation? The fact that I stayed with you after I found out you betrayed me the first time, let you disrespect me countless times, demean me, slam doors in my face, walk out on me. Scream at me. Lay next to me silent and unaffected while I was crying over your callousness.

 

I thought I was being a good girlfriend, but in all actuality I was a doormat to you. You tore me to shreds, leaving me with nothing. I can't even blame you anymore. I blame myself for investing so much in the relationship and thinking I meant something to you.

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Evening. I've moved on so far today you wouldn't believe it. I've had the most horrendous time on Facebook with village politics but boy has it been good for me to stand up for myself, be strong and take my mind off the crap with you.

 

So I see you've put your OkC profile private so I can't stalk it anoymously. That's a shame cos I was hoping to find out when you were online and log into to your account again and see what you were up to. But now I have a brilliant idea about using one of your bdsm site pics for your main OkC pic. That would be sooo wrong but sooo funny and just the sort of thing that one of those online tarts would do to humiliate you so it should be familiar territory. My friends here will give me great advice on whether this is feasible or not!

 

I can think of you as a person now, not as the man I love. Or loved even. See I really am moving on a bit. Realising how different you really were from how you appeared. Starting to see through the deception and believe it for myself. I can even think of good times we shared together and smile rather than cry that they'll never happen again. I don't know how long this sense of relief and euphoria that I got out before I was in too deep with you will last, but I flipping love it!

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