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thankyou for giving me this opportunity to better myself as a person and to focus on me. yes it hurts immensely that we are not together, and it hurts even more that you are with someone else. and no i was not entirely at fault in this relationshionship. but were we still together i would not have had the motivation to better myself. its all about me now and making me happy.

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I really tried.   I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want.   I told you I wanted to work it out with

I feel so sad having had to leave what was our apartment because of you, for the second time. I feel sad we never invested in buying a few stuff for any apartment we've owned, because you always

I got divorced a little over a year ago and my x was maried again in 3 months only for this womans money. I called him last night a left a voice mail, i was drunk and crying and made a fool of myself...sure wish I would have seen this last night..

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It is so wrong to WANT a MAN in my LIFE?

It is wrong for me to want to cuddle, and watch t.v with MY MAN?

It is wrong for me to ask about your day?

It is wrong for me to ask when you're coming up to see me? It wasn't like we had a routine.

I feel so blah. because all i wanted was to feel part of your life while you was away.

I never told you to relocate, pay my bills, nothing CRAZY.

Only that you talk to me... something, anything.

for you to ask about my day... to listen to me...

I don't think i ask for much. Maybe i was too clingy? Maybe telling you... how i felt was too much? I don't know.

When i said i missed you, it was true.

All i wanted was for at least 2 mins, to hear your voice, before bed. A simple "good night".

I don't think i ask for much.

I don't want to be your friend. I have enough of though. I want a MAN.

I know you're busy man... but if you wanted to keep me... you had to try a little harder! Noting AMAZING. Nothing like dancing on the moon type. Just... phone calls, and text messages. Something...

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I am really struggling today. 53 days of NC, and I had been doing so well, or so I thought, but today I keep bursting into tears. I know it has everything to do with yesterday being my birthday and not hearing a word from you. It hit me much harder than I thought it would. I think because now I really feel like it's over? My therapist says she doesn't think you'll ever contact me again. It seems like there's so much left unsaid. It makes me so sad to think this is it. After 6 years, is this really it?

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Saw him tonight, didn't really think of you at all during it but I'm thinking of you now. Just about our 2nd date and how it was so different. Not fair to compare but how can I deny how amazing I felt that night with you? You are a tough act to follow I guess. I think when I met you I was so ready for love and open to finding a relationship. I had no baggage, no previous recent heartbreak, was completely on my own and free. Now after all is said and done I'm jaded and still a bit broken, my walls are up. I feel like I'm just giving half of myself.

 

He's a great guy, he really is. He takes me out to nice places, pays for everything, and he seems genuinely interested in me. I'm interested in him as well but you are still in my heart. After all the pain and how horrible it was I can't lie and say I don't still love you. I only wanted you and I was content with you. I didn't want us to be over.

 

What will it take for me to move on? I've got this guy here who is treating me well and who I enjoy spending time with but I'm still not happy. I'm still yearning for the comfort of you.

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I caught you, playing your silly game. Such a shame you even did that because we were enjoying our conversation, but there you go spoiling something going well. I know you're curious and that you'd rather not see me with someone. It's okay if you find someone, but it isn't okay that I am dating.

 

I'm not over you, I still love you and I know that you desperately want to hear this, but I won't tell you. You don't deserve it after what you've done. You can't earn my trust and love without earning it and making yourself a better person. I forgive, but I most certainly do not forget.

 

If only you knew what I'd do for you, to make things work. If you reciprocated without half that fear you carry around, you'd be much happier. Whether it be me or someone else, I want you happy. Even if it isn't meant for me, your smile always warms my heart.

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I've never written in this thread before. Funny, I never really got the 'point' of it, or thought it would be useful for me, but now it suddenly appeals and I think it might be quite cathartic. And the few times I have looked at the posts I found them so heart wrenching - all this pain and loss that resonated so completely with me.

 

Anyway, armed with box of tissues as already in tears (and here comes my cat, wondering what is going on) here goes:

 

Sweetheart. I still just don't get it. I read posts from others saying how they have come to realise that the relationship wasn't that great, or that it needed to end, but for me, I still believe that we had something amazing, and I don't understand how or why you would walk away from that. We were so happy. Even you admit that they were the happiest years of your life. I loved how kind we were to each other. How well we treated each other. How sweet and affectionate and lovely you always were to me. We never said unkind words to each other. I trusted you completely. I still do. I know you are a person of great integrity, as am I, and that we would never have cheated or betrayed one another. I know that you have continued to act through this breakup with honour and integrity. You still haven't let me down in that way, and for that I am grateful. But it also just makes you seem even more perfect to me, even more irreplaceable. You are the only man in the world I want. In better moods I can be grateful that I had the experience of being in a really great, happy relationship for 6.5 years: a relationship where I felt loved for who I am; a relationship where I was able to say that I was with the one person in the world who I wanted to be with. Some people never get to experience that. We were lucky. I know you felt the same way before the insidious doubts became lodged in you.

 

During the first break-up you said to me that you felt like you were living someone else's life. Do you feel that way this time, or does it feel 'right' now for us to be apart? It still feels completely wrong to me. Doesn't everything remind you of me the way everything reminds me of you? All the endless shared jokes and experiences and films and songs and meals. All the shared history.

 

What was it that was missing for you? Why wasn't what we had enough? What is it that you think you might find in another relationship that was missing in ours? You said to me when you broke up with me that I had the purest soul of anyone you have ever met. Why would someone voluntarily walk away from that? You said that you still love me, that you will always will, but that you 'just can't move forward'. I know that you broke up with me because you didn't think it was fair to keep me waiting while you felt like this. That you felt you had to end it while there is still 'time' for me to meet someone else to start a family with. Dearest, dearest boy, I don't want a family with anyone else. I only wanted one with you. And even though you have ripped my life in two and it is unrecognisable from how it was 2 years ago, and even though you have screwed me around by coming back and then leaving again, I am still here, wanting more than anything for you to figure out whatever the hell is going on with you and to be ready to commit to us.

 

I can't seem to let go. I am trying. I love you.

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Well, well, well... looks like we will both be in a meeting tomorrow afternoon. Pretty much first time face to face in an extended setting since early December. I'm actually quite looking forward to this to see how stable the positive vibes I've had within myself recently are. Are you? I guess we will find out.

 

You dating one of my friends, and having to potentially face each of you at work daily is forcing me to be comfortable in my own skin and not needing an ego boost from anyone but myself. This might be the first time in 15 years I can say that. You and 'K' I'm sure are happy.. but this is a blessing in disguise for me. So many great things have already started going my way since my mindset has changed to a positive manner, and more things are surely on the way. This would never have happened if you two hadn't started dating ... so while the short term it was bit of a shot to the ego, this just might have been the life altering event I needed to figure out many things internally that have held me back.

 

Not contacting you is easy now. At one point I worried that you were mad at me... but not anymore. My path is my own now, and I'm so comfortable with myself that I wouldn't trade places with anyone in the world. I don't hope anymore... I just know good things are on the way.

 

I'll see you tomorrow, should be interesting

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Today is Day 13 of NC. I'm proud of myself for having gone NC since we broke up. I know time is my only friend right now. I go to work, hang out with friends, but still wonder what you're doing. I know one day you would like me to talk to you again, but until I'm over you I just can't. You really hurt me and I know you were ashamed, I still hurt thinking what it is about me that you couldn't love. You said even after we broke up that I was a beautiful person inside and out and really great, but that's all I was. Just a girl in the "now" but nobody you saw a future with. Tonight I'm meeting up with another friend but I don't even feel like going. I wish I could be spending this time with you. But WHY I ask myself, why would I want to see you after you used me as an emotional crutch for over a year to get over your ex that you're still not over with, told me that you were with me because you were lonely. How awful! I guess I just miss the moments we were together, laughing, cuddling, all that great things that hopefully I'll get to do with someone else sometime in the near future, someone who is better than you, can love me as much as I love them. You're 28 years old, grow up and get over your ex! You have a whole life ahead of you and it's unfortunate you didn't see it with me. I know you're wondering why I haven't reached out to you, but honestly what do you expect me to say? You lost that benefit of having me as a friend when you told me that you never saw me in the long haul. I'm not a girlfriend of the month, and to think I still love you, and I do, how pathetic of me, but I will love again...

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so you have really kept to your guns with no contact latley... one week ago you were crying on my couch saying you wish never done this to us, and were ready to move back home because your not over us and still have feelings for me, and your new bf is into you more than your into him. What happened from the time i seen you last monday morning to now? i watched you drive off to go break it off with him and what could he have said to you to make you not wanna come back? i guess ill never know, im just shocked because you seemed so set on it and for once i beleived you. you did this to me twice in the past 4 weeks and i cant ever let you toy with me like that again... hope you found what your looking for deuces...

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As the dumper why the hell am I SAD FOR?

I'm getting really mad at myself.

it wasn't like you TRY. You said, "Fine. Be gone. Leave me alone forever"

It wasn't like you was sweet & warm. You totally gave up on me and was OKAY that fact I was LEAVING YOU.

So, why be sad?

I need somebody WHO wants me to be in their LIVES.

i hate the fact I CARE still....

You was offering me NOTHING, but some crumbs. You never said, "we can get through this! We will be okay!" NOTHING.

 

 

you said it yourself, you never had somebody care as much as i did... yet you let me go as NOTHING.

 

I pray and hope you find yourself a gold digger who CHEATS on you!

You will regret letting me GO! Watch!

But I won't be an idiot, and come back to you!

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It's Day 14 of NC, exactly two weeks! I'm at work right now, but I spend more time here on these forums than I do actually working. I know you're at work right now, too. I don't really have anything to say, I'm sure you're not feeling bad at all since you didn't have strong feelings for me. I don't know how you can string someone along for over a year, but I'm sure you know now why I had to do strict NC since the breakup. I can't wait to meet someone new someday, and I don't ever want to hear what you're up to because it will just devastate me. This Saturday, I'm going parasailing with a friend since we never got around to using my Groupon. I wonder if you threw away all the gifts I gave you, I got you some pretty cool personalized gifts throughout the year like our photo mug, guitar pick keychain, journal, book safe, did you keep them somewhere? I guess you wouldn't. I still have your things, I don't think badly of you when I see them, I just think about someone in my past who once was dear to me but now just a memory. I still hope, sadly, that you will reach out one day and change your feelings, but that would take a miracle. Until then, carry on!

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Sometimes i have these days when i still think of you. I know you have called me from hidden numbers lately, even left a 2 word message "every day". But i know its all just games to you. Maybe one day you will figure out just what it is that you actually want. When you broke up with me over 2 months ago, i was calm and wished you well, and asked that you not contact me again. Although you have childishly tried, i have not once thought about contacting you.

 

Yeah i miss things about our relationship, and things about you. But there were so many negative things that i dont have to endure anymore. I dont have to fear coming home, and what mood you mite be in, what argument you are going to start with me. I have come to learn that you are who you are, and i doubt you will ever change.

 

Shame really, you can be such a beautiful kind person at times, and at others you can be the exact opposite, cruel and heartless.

 

Its your life.

 

So good luck.

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For some reason I said "goodnight *****, i love you" right before I went to bed. Must have been delusional! I hope that's just my pre-sleep brain purging any remnants of you out of my system once and for all.

 

I'm really sick and tired of being reminded of you at every corner and how little you really cared. All lies. All just words.

 

You say you loved me....but now I choose to believe it was all a lie.

 

And yet there you are...right where I left you.

 

I can't tell you how bad I want to reach out...I feel like the ball is in my court.

 

But I won't do it. I will never give you the satisfaction of knowing that I'm even remotely thinking about you.

 

You don't deserve it.

 

I'm doing my best to move on...and remove any source of love I once had for you.

 

Maybe one day I'll get over this resentment. Maybe one day I'll be able to not care...just like you never did.

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We were in a meeting for about 30 minutes today. Not sure what if anything you got out of it... but I was able to look at you and realize your just a girl, just a person like all of us. Flawed, like all of us. I'm flawed too... but I love my flaws! This was a good thing for me. I was much more easy going and business like than you probably thought I would be. With all of the great things happening for me in my life, I don't have time to worry or be angry with you or your man. As an aside, based on a facebook post your guy might not be happy with me.. he was (is??) my friend for a long time before you guys started dating. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to realize we all have lives that don't revolve around him. If I already have plans and a stacked day, I can't just bail on stuff and hang out because he wants to. Yes, he has flaws too... and they don't look so cute and innocuous when your on the other end of it. One way or another things will work themselves out though, and I know I won't be on the short end of the stick.

 

BTW, not sure about the lipstick and makeup....

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1 yr on and i still think about u...why cant it just finish like the last...why do i suffer, of revenge or to yearn for your attention. i ve finally deleted you off my phone, i figure its not like u ever want to be in contact with me so whats the point? i prob will never add you on fb as "The first step" when i see you and talk to you ill decide what i wish to do to let you enter back in my life or not.... i want you to disappear from my mind, its sad that my memory persist of only you and i can only remember only the good of you and your touch.. i dont know why i still think about you..it should ve stopped but you just persist in my mind and in my memories. i know your not what you are in my head so why cant i get that!!! far out!! i need a reminder that you are not what you are in my head...i need that reality check but i will never see you again...ever...

i dont want to be the one in contact with you cause i want you gone...and i feel as though im playing a game hide and seek...who is the first one to spot each other...and when that time comes, what will it be like?

my life right now its not as smooth as it should be..it s..not what its meant to be or the fact that it scares me when i get out off uni im going to have zero prospect for a job...and so it scares me to be in the bottom will others are at the top...and so i look back at something familiar something that was some what secure in my mind or so thought and what if i did start at the bottom? ur a student what do you expect?

i just want someone to be with me and be with me of every step of the way ..but... i feel as though no one is there for me, it scares me that i have no stability or security in my life... so what do i do? i feel anxiety all the time and its not healthy, i worry over nothing and the environment that surround me with my family its getting to me and i need to snap out of it, i need to work but no one is will take anybody one on board...so what do i do?

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