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I really tried.   I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want.   I told you I wanted to work it out with

I feel so sad having had to leave what was our apartment because of you, for the second time. I feel sad we never invested in buying a few stuff for any apartment we've owned, because you always

Feel like calling you right now, though I don't want to talk about anything in specific. I just wanna hear your voice, see if you're OK... But of course you are. You're going out with the other guy. You're just a shadow of the girl with whom I fell in love. I don't think I need you anymore, but the memories of us together are more pleasant than the day I've had thus far. Our relationship never fell apart, you just sort of drifted away... It's not that we ran out of time, you just saw an opportunity for a better life out there with this other dude. I can't really blame you for doing what's "best" for yourself, but I'm not going to continue blaming myself for this.

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Im just not ever going to have another relationship. * * * * you and the jaded bastard you have made me into. I never deserved this. You owed me more.

 

 

What would your ex think if she read this post??

 

She would think "yes! I've brought him to his knees, I've destroyed him".....use that negative & turn it into something positive.

 

How many times in the past have you been with someone, broken up with them...then thought "I'll never find anyone like that again"?......only to find that you go out there & meet someone better. YOU will do that again. First you need to heal get yourself strong again, then get out there & find that person.

 

I know it's hard what you are feeling right now, I have felt the same many times in this last year "I never deserved this" I gave nearly 5 years of my life to a commitmentphobic our relationship was doomed the very first night we got together. I wanted it to work, while he, on the other hand was doing everything he could to sabotage it. It's a bitter, bitter experience to swallow, but the very thing that keeps me pushing on is the need to show him as well as myself is that he hasn't won, he hasn't destroyed me or the good that is inside me. I KNOW that when I'm fully healed I will meet someone who was everything that he wasn't.

 

YOU HAVE to keep that faith & hope, they have taken a lot from you, don't let them take that too.

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Even though I've been over you for months now, it still hurts alittle what you did to me.

Sometimes I wish I could do a 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' and just erase those images in the last few months. Still hurts alittle.

I really did think you were it, and it still hurts alittle how you took complete advantage of my trust in you.

I know haven't left you a message in a while, cos I have nothing to say to you, but darn.

Do you feel bad at all for how much you screwed me up?

 

I hope my trust issues fade soon and the last bits of pain just disappear. You don't deserve to have any power over any remaining part of me.

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I wish you would un-tag yourself in the pictures of us on your sister's page. YOU un-friended ME, didn't block me, but still have our pictures up. I find it odd.

 

I know FB isn't a true indicator of reality, but you went out of your way to delete some comments I left you but kept some others. Just doesn't make sense how you were picky about those things but not the others.

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P**** I miss u so much today. I'm a lot better as its been nearly a month of NC. How can u do that? U told me before xmas that u would ring me over the hols said u wanted to, then one day I ask u to then u say "its not a good idea". What the hell!!?? hurt so much. But u would have NO IDEA how much I have been hurt because I never did that to u!!! I dont give up! I didn't want us to end

 

I wonder if u think about me? Are u single and happy/miserable? Are u with her and happy/miserable?? Do u miss me? Do u hate me? Do u care *****??? U've gone. Just like that. I hate you for the hurt u caused. And I hate you for taking me for granted most of the time. Yet I still loved u. I wish I was over u. Wish I didn't meet u.

 

Hope ur more miserable then I am!!!!!!!!!!!

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It's been a couple of days since I posted on here. I was doing really well, but I woke up this morning and knew I was going to have one of those 'blah' days. I don't know what triggered it, but it started right from the moment I woke up. Maybe I subconsciously dreamt of you? Who knows. I was feeling down and out all day at work, it didn't help that time felt like it was just dragging on. I came home, tried taking a nap, couldn't get you out of my head, finally managed to get 45 mins of snooze time, and now i'm awake and feeling a lot better. Sometimes all it takes for me is a nap to refresh my mind. Today makes it 40 days. It's pretty crazy how much time has already passed, it feels as if the break up just happened a week ago. Oh well, I guess that's a good thing. Anyways..I still miss you and I wish you the best. Hope you're happy wherever you are, doing whatever you're doing.

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I don't know, I just think it's messed up that after what you did to me, and after all the time we spent together, how invested we were, I really deserve an apology. At least something. But according to you, 'sorry' only works so many times. Nice attitude. When in comes to reconciling I guess, but just being a somewhat decent human being? Like express some sort of remorse for doing this to me, would it kill you? Apparently.

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you said you didnt want to make a hasty decsion and you did... if you think replacing me is the answer to getting over us then so be it... remember i know you and your past and you always jump from one relationship to another without being over your previous... you have a pattern, fix yourself before you try taking on another relationship... i seriously dont wanna see you or talk to for a loooooooooooooongggggggggggggggggggnnnnnggggggggggggg tiiimmmeeeeeeeee bye now

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It's been a month and 3 days now since the BU. I haven't contacted you and neither are you. In a way I'm glad because it would have been confusing but at the same time melancholy because there no final goodbyes to each other. You would think we could have at least given each other that much.

 

I thought about all the red flags and how I overlooked them. I kept asking myself all day today, "did she make me happy?" It was hard to answer, I didn't have answer. I hate waking up each morning with you on my mind. You know what keeps me moving forward, how little you thought of me, and thats just gonna make me stronger.

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The more I look back at what we had, now thats its been sometime since the BU, I realize we were not as compatible as i thought. I was blinded by love. You were my first relationship and my first love. However here is a list of things that i bothered me:

1) You never liked the way I kept my room, as such a "boys room"

2) I know you came from a rich family but when I paid for meals you didnt always have to get the most expensive wine

3) My friends really liked you but I you never seemed to want to hang out with them, but I always went out of my way to hang out with yours. If you did hang out with me and my friends you made it pretty obvious that you were just doing it for me.

4) I drove 5 hours once a week for 7 months when we were long distance just to see you, but you only came twice to see me or my family in my city.

5) I know you like to go out to eat all the time, but goddamn that gets expensive. its called cooking, learn it

6) I moved from my home town to yours, took a * * * * ty job, to allow us to be closer together. Then when I finally get a job thats important to me, you don't even consider the idea of maybe moving with me after 3 years of dating.

7) You broke up with me on my birthday. You suck. Then we got back together for one more year afterwards. That was mistake now.

8) I gave up an amazing job offer out of state just after graduation to try and be closer to you

9) You emotionally detached yourself from me long before we broke up, and started datingsome other dude only 6 weeks later.

10) I was there for you always, phone, text, skype, 5 hour drive, just to sleep over... and you used me to satisfy your emotional needs

 

I could keep going but I'd rather not dwell. Just to let you know. I slept with your friend two weeks after we broke up, she was a squirter, it was awesome. Then 4 days later I slept with you again.

 

I had my faults too, I've noted them, learned from them, and I will take that into my next relationship. Enjoy. I'm out.

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I am scared that I will never find someone like you. You are not perfect but no-one is. But I felt we fit together so well. You were so special to me. Why are you 'sure I will find someone special'? You know what a great person I am and how special I am. Why didn't you want to spend more time with me if I am so wonderful? Maybe I really did scare you away.

 

Life is a risk and love is a risk T. I took a risk and yes, quite a lot of the time lately I've wished I hadn't taken that risk with you. I wish I had held back just a little bit more. But deep down I'm glad I did take the risk, because I know I am capable of sharing myself with someone no matter how out of my comfort zone it is. I feel so sad that you couldn't try. I am confused because I thought you cared about me - did you? )-: I hope it was only fear that stopped you from loving me, because it is the only real explanation I have.

 

But then why are you dating again? Do you hope that this time your fear will just disappear? I did all of the ground work. With all of my heart I let you know what a special person you are, I helped you see that you are attractive and desirable and I just can't get past the feeling that someone else will get the benefits of that. I feel angry because you let me go, you were a coward, you couldn't fully open up and let me in. I was very careful not to push things. You wait until you discover what a lot of women my age are like! You have a lot to learn - good luck!!!

 

I loved you and it makes me sad that when I finally realised that I had fallen in love with you it was too late for me to tell you because it was so long after you dumped me. I just couldn't believe how quickly I fell for you because that is not me. I don't fall in love and I certainly never expected it to happen so quickly. I could never tell you now because what would be the point? I don't even want you anymore. I am past that, but I am not past the pain and I am not past my feelings for you. I wonder when I will be?

 

I can't even wish you to be happy which is dreadful of me because I don't usually feel that way about people but I guess that shows you how much I had started to trust you. How can you just pretend I never existed? Are you devoid of feelings? Maybe you do really think about me sometimes. I know you well enough to know that you do. Why for example do you still have my phone number in your phone? Are you looking for someone because you are confused and you realise that actually you don't want to be on your own anymore? The fun part is the dating stage - no need to worry about commitments or giving up too much of your time - of course you are gonna love that. But then what? What will you do when it starts to get more serious? Run again? Don't hurt someone else too.

 

I don't know why I feel so angry today. I do know. I'm going to the match tomorrow and looking forward to it and spending some time with my brother there, but I have this dreadful feeling I will spot you. You will be there and it's the match that season ticket holders can take someone for free. So there is a chance you will take someone. If you have a girl with you I know I will feel hurt and upset. And if you do I hope she is dull and unattractive. I cannot believe I'm being so childish - it's not me! I never thought I was the jealous type. But I do not want it to be easy for you. Remember early on when you asked me if I was fiery and passionate (because of my latin roots)? I joked that I was passionate about lots of things but no, not fiery. Well, I am more fiery and passionate than I thought!

 

I am sorry to be so angry today but it had to come out. I will get over you.

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So you deleted the pictures of me. Nice. You never loved me the way I deserved to be loved. I'm done with this hope, I'm stupid for holding on to the memories. The only hope I should be holdin onto should be that karma will come your way. Bitterness is now taking over. It motivated me to delete the ones on mine, something I didn't have the courage to do before. I hate you for this.

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Hello!

 

I've had a much better day today, in pretty good spirits. I still have a lot whirling around my head though, but that's OK. I use this thread not just to talk to you, but to myself. This is going to be a bit of a mixed bag but here goes...

 

Ok, so the last 24 hours...I had a read through my original break-up thread last night. It was strange revisiting it, those early weeks after break-up, how you kept your distance but did want to meet up with me, stay in touch, and actually how blinking strong I was through all that. It seems weird now, because I was in such a horrifically bad place, my heart was being ripped from my chest, yet I did remain my composure. The guilt and fear I had...no reason for it. I did the best I could.

 

When I left my phone at work yesterday I used an old spare phone temporarily for the night, I haven't even switched it on for a long time, not since we broke up anyway. I hadn't even thought about it to be honest. And yep, there were a few texts on there from you, so I deleted the whole inbox straight away! And your numbers are in there too, the numbers I'd long deleted from my main phone and forgotten. So I had to delete them too. Strange what we have to do. Not that I've even phoned you since you broke up with me, and I'm far from tempted now! But remove all risks is my motto.

 

I applied for a job today too, the place where I'm working as a volunteer has a full time paid position available...I wasn't going to apply as I didn't really think I had enough experience but some of my colleagues really convinced me that I should give it a go and that they think I would be brilliant. These are senior colleagues too, people that have worked there over 10 years whereas I've only been there a couple of months. I've actually got a lump in my throat thinking that people who don't know me that well have such amazing belief in me...and I know you had belief in me too. Well, I'm acting on it. I've applied. We shall see what happens, even to get an interview would be a massive boost.

 

I've pretty much gone through hell sweetheart. And I'm still not quite out the other side but the light is getting brighter. I know you're not a demon but you really took the biscuit. This is just a rambling post, I know. And as much as not being in touch with you is helping me, I think you did it in a selfish, cowardly and shoddy way, because as soon as you found a new lass you had the ego-boost you needed to cut me off.

 

I think you might have some regrets about that, not ending the relationship, I mean, I know it wasn't working. But you basically treated your best friend, who drove you crazy with lust (or used to) and who you could talk about anything to, you treated me like rubbish because a new girl came along. That's NOT the man I knew...very confusing. You would never even look at other girls or say anything vaguely complimentary about other girls, not even celebrities, and not even in a light-hearted way.

 

Anyway, I'm not particularly coherent tonight, I'm pretty happy today but just wanted to jot some stuff down. You might be on that romantic city break with the new girl this weekend? I think it was about this date, not sure, don't want to know really. Pah! You're trying too hard...seriously. Funny it's a city that I always wanted to go to, I'm sure that's just a coincidence though.

 

Do I miss you? A bit yeah, but I'm quite OK. Do I love you? Yep, but again, I'm OK. I'm definitely OK. xxx

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You started talking to your current boyfriend long before we broke up, which means you used both of us. I was the guy who was there for you when you were bored during the day, when you had to buy stuff or just random things that you wanted to do. Then, every single day around 9 PM -the time you started your chat sessions with this dude- you'd come up with some bull excuse to send me packing. He was the exciting guy, the guy that brought emotions out of you. So, I handled your problems and he got to see the results. All your friends blame me for our breakup, but you never told them the whole story, did you? Who cares. A few weeks from now and I'll be over you just like that.

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If your personality was like when it was in December 2009, you would be the perfect girl for me.

 

You're not the most attractive, but you were perfect in my eyes.

 

I feel sick when I think about how your personality changed over the years. It's a pity.

 

When I imagine you now, you're like the most luscious, delicious fruit, poisoned by a tiny seed.

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I feel a bit like the stupid crazy ex sometimes...but I'm okay right now. After you didn't text me the other day, I got to thinking and I flipped a switch to 'angry mode' again....so guess I'm back to 'He's a jerk, screw him' mode...I like it better when I'm hating you because at least I don't miss you and it puts me in a place where I don't want to talk to you. You texted me 24 hours later with some bull crap excuse about how your low on money and in a very low place and are ashamed so you've just been 'keeping to yourself' and 'sorry'. I'm not an idiot, though my actions when it comes to you sometimes tell a different story....but I'm not a fool I know you were ignoring me. Obviously didn't want to talk to me, I kinda wish you would just be a man and say the truth. What I DON'T understand is the week before you were pretty much begging me to come see you, although still keeping it clear you didn't want us to get our hopes up...but still saying you missed me and blah blah blah. It's like you turn on a dime. But I have to tell myself this HAS to be it. It has to be. Ignoring your text this time was a HUGE deal for me. I have never really done that. I have always replied, always been nice. The way I see it I probably will not hear from you for a few months. But then something will roll around and you'll see I'll be in your area and hit me up wanting to see me, or 'just to say hi'. I see through you. I see that I'm your fall back girl that you will always turn to when Its convenient. My hope for the future is that I am not there to fall back on. I hope you do reach out to me again and I hope to GOD I don't say a word to you.

 

I need to focus on myself this year. I need to make some major life changes and decisions. They need to not involve you at all. It's crazy because every since we reconnected I've been having these fantasies of moving to your city, because I know distance was an issue in you wanting to be with me....and I would play it out in my mind, moving there and us being together. That is the worst possible idea. It's time I just focus on my own goals and desires for the future. I used to have goals, ambitions, plans, desires....before I met you. That didn't involve you. I need to get back to that place and remember what I wanted before you. Here's to once again moving on from you...

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I went to the game today T. I can't lie that I thought about you a lot there. I enjoyed the game despite it being so cold and having to wear 7 layers of clothes! I didn't want to bump into you if you were with someone, but in truth I had a secret desire to see you from a distance. I looked a few times over to the stand you sit in, but it was crowded and I couldn't see you. I feel kind of sad since I got home. But I'm glad I went. The more I go, the easier it will get. I do miss you and your sweet nature and I felt incredibly tempted to text you on my way home to ask what you thought of the match. Crazy really. But there it is. I won't beat myself up over it. I'm writing to you here instead.

 

Thought I'd tell you that I fell in love with you. I'd have liked to have snuggled up to you in my coat today. Your hugs were so big and safe. I guess your hugs are not reserved for me anymore. I love you will all of my heart and wish I could go just one day without thinking of you. But if I can't for now, I will settle for letting you drift in and out of my thoughts and be thankful I knew you for a very short time. I hope one day you will be able to reach out to me. But I also hope that I will let go of that hope.

 

I'm tired and full of cold, but looking out of the window I see a beautiful blanket of snow and realise that things are not so bad. I am lucky. I have a good family and I am safe. I am always here for you. I hope you never forget me.

 

Night night xxx

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