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Two weeks today. This time, the silence...it has shown me how little I meant to you. I'm sure you feel some sort of sadness but it isn't enough. I switch between anger and bitterness to weakness and nostalgia almost hourly. I hope this is making you happy now. I hope you are acting out your "sexual impulses" all you want. You won't find better, deep down you know that and you also know you don't deserve the best, which is what I was.

 

I still can't let go completely and I don't know when I will.

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I cannot believe I haven't heard a response to my e-mail in almost a month. Mine was a response to yours!!

You made it sound like you couldn't live without me a month ago. You said you loved me and I was the only thing missing in your life. Why haven't I heard from you in three weeks? well really it's been a month. I feel really abandoned and confused.

My heart has been broken again and I don't know if I can forgive you for it.

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Interesting timing as I've been wanting to post on this thread for a week now but didn't. Glad you found someone new Mustachio. I know how difficult that is after so much hurt. Anyway....

 

 

So you got...married. Wow. I have to admit that stung - a lot. For the women who was always against marriage that was quite a shock. I guess that was just against marriage with me. You looked happy so that's a good thing. You looked nice as well. I wish I could say I've found happy. I wish things worked out for me. I do try. I'm still very surprised you never reached out, not once in 2 1/2 years. You were always stubborn but damn, that's something else. I guess you never missed me. Gawd that sounds pathetic. I wish it was as easy for me, I really do.

 

Oh it was difficult, and pretty rocky at first as I think I went into it too early... I guess I am lucky that it has worked out.

 

And the truth is, if it wasnt for my girlfriend now, im sure I would be just as bitter, in fact, i know I am, and I often wonder what I would really say to her if she was to contact me first... which of course, its been nearly two years since I have had any contact with her. But hang in there. If you call yourself pathetic for that, then I would have to call myself pathetic for everything going on since that breakup for me too, and I dont think its that.

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You have broken me. I feel it more and more clearly these days.

Why hope for another, better relationship, when feelings are so fragile?

 

Even though I wish you would came back, I know, that it would not solve anything. We are too different in the most important things. It would end up the same way as it did this time.

 

But still, I believe that you will come back one day or another. But till then? How to stop feeling like a waiting shadow?

I came up with so many distractions, but I am still feeling empty.

Will I be strong enough to pretend to be happy and full of energy, when we run into each other?

 

How I wish you would come out and said, that everything has changed. But would that still be you?

 

It would be a blessing to be able to blame the breakup only on you. But I feel, that I had a big part in the way things ended between us. This though makes me cry.

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I should not criticize you... you are you, if you don't want to change that is your choice I cant blame you for being you - the only person I can blame is myself.

 

If you do not have your own best interests and mine at heart that is your heartfelt choice - not mine I should not blame you or berate you.

 

If I remain in a relationship with a man who is unable to focus on me and give me the love I deserve - it is not your fault you don't love me it is mine. Forgive me for my anger towards you.,

 

If you wish to spend your smoking, chatting, in fantasy world or in bed rather than getting on with focusing on lucrative project designed by myself - it is your choice and your right to do what you wish. Forgive me for criticizing you.

 

If you want to be with and help people who don't respect you - forgive me for trying to take care of you that is your job.

 

Forgive me for wanting the best of you - that is your job

 

If I choose to remain with you - any unhappiness frustration or neglect I suffer is my fault.

 

I take the blame because in loving you I choose to suffer. I now choose not to suffer.

 

Please forgive me for leaving our relationship I need to look after myself so as to allow a someone who is able to meet my needs into my life.

 

Maybe in a few months when I have recovered from the pain and sorrow associated with loving and leaving you we shall be able to become firm friends because for some bizarre reason you treat your friends with more respect than your girlfriend.

 

Forgive me for all my criticisms and trying to uplift and support you - I realize that is only my role if you are doing it for me - forgive me.

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Oh it was difficult, and pretty rocky at first as I think I went into it too early... I guess I am lucky that it has worked out.

 

And the truth is, if it wasnt for my girlfriend now, im sure I would be just as bitter, in fact, i know I am, and I often wonder what I would really say to her if she was to contact me first... which of course, its been nearly two years since I have had any contact with her. But hang in there. If you call yourself pathetic for that, then I would have to call myself pathetic for everything going on since that breakup for me too, and I dont think its that.

 

Thanks Mustachio. I guess I don't like sounding like a victim, or bitter - especially to her. It was such a shock that I'm still shaking my head a bit. It's confusing. Makes me wonder I guess. If I ever find out she has kids I'll probably jump off something tall. =p

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Thanks Mustachio. I guess I don't like sounding like a victim, or bitter - especially to her. It was such a shock that I'm still shaking my head a bit. It's confusing. Makes me wonder I guess. If I ever find out she has kids I'll probably jump off something tall. =p

 

Well my ex is married already (for a year and a half now I think) and honestly all I can do is laugh... if I found out she had kids, I would probably laugh more, just another bullet dodged and another reason to stay far away.

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Well my ex is married already (for a year and a half now I think) and honestly all I can do is laugh... if I found out she had kids, I would probably laugh more, just another bullet dodged and another reason to stay far away.

 

Ah k. I didn't realize your ex got married as well. Or maybe I forgot that thread. Either way, you certainly dodged major bullets. You've done well to move on. She was simply wrong to you. You deserve way way better and hopefully you've found that. Still weird stuff though. Crazy!

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C...

I want to thank you for 'dumping' me.

Genuinely, with no bitterness.

Because I feel as though I have been asleep for a long, long time.

And I'm only just now waking up.

Getting out of the house... mixing with people... making new friends.

It will be a fuller life than the one that I lived with you.

The one you now live alone, through choice, you big weirdo

It is hard for me to make these changes, but you have reminded me that I am a strong, capable woman.

I can do anything that I set my mind to.

That includes getting over you.

I'm on that path now, with all of it's ups and downs.

It hasn't been easy, but I will get to the end of it and move beyond.

So, C, thank you for helping me to find the me that I lost before I ever met you.

I like her.

I'm proud of her.

She will do well.

By herself, for herself.

And she'll do it with style and with grace.

(Add wine and she'll do it with merryness too!)

x

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it has been one week tonite that you let me go .... i am still broke and lost !!!

when i came to your life ...you were a forgotten person ....your were a drunken inresponsable single mother !!!

both of you and your mother hated each other !!! i was the one that brought light to your life !! I was the one that reconciliate you and your diabolic mother !! I always treated your daughter as my own !!! i always treat you like a princes...i always loved you the way you are !!! I let your mother to move in with us, because I wanted us to help eachother. i fell sorry for your mother because of the sad live that she had, that she has ...and that she will have!! I am still going to school, not only to help myself but to help you also !! hell i even worked as a painter in the summer being hu,iliated by my uncle to prove to you that I care to bring money home !!! I am not a lazyass, I am not a loser, I am not a child molester, I am not a pig, I am not a liar, I am not a cheater like your mother claim me to be !!!

I left everything I had for you!!!! I left my apartment that I lived for 13 years, I left my friends, I left my family, I left my things because you promissed me that you would never abandon me !!! everything that I promissed you I have done or the things that I didnt ...I would have done in the future with time !!!

 

But last week you destroyed me !!! you were the one that decided that you wanted to stay with your evil mother, instead of trying to have a family with me!!!

I stayed with you in your bad moments ...but you never did the same for me !!!!

you could not wait 3 more months for me to finish school and get a new job!!! you couldnt stand up to your mother !!! you chosen the easy way out to make me leave !!! today I am in a small room in my aunts house and you are in a nice apartment that I help to arrange ...I know you are relief that now you can go have your lipo, your boob job, and start to go out and have the same life you had when I met you !!!

 

As I said I am still lost because I did not expect this kind of thing from a person that always said that loved me and wanted to have a family with me !!!

But I am going to be ok !!! and you lost the best thing that you could have had in your life ...ME!!!

 

I will finish my degree....I will find a great job ....I will be happy.... and for you ...just stay with your miserable mother, do you whole body again because your are insecure and start to go out again with your guetto friends to try to find an old man with money and a house and a car to take care of you as your mother wants!!! ( if a model cant find this kind of man, does your stupid mother think your fat, guetto, insecure ass can ???)

 

Trust me I will be this kind of man ....and when I see your depressed and broken spirit...I will laugh at you!!!

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So I'm guessing your back from the cruise that I was supposed to be on with you and your friends. I'm sure you are posting pics on your FB and telling what fun you had and i'm sure your friends know that we are no longer. Good, they need to know!!! I don't care what you post on FB because you have been blocked since we were still together. Yes, I used a different account to see what you were up to but you know what, I STOPPED THAT A WEEK AGO because there was no sense. All it did was hurt to see you statuses so why continue to hurt myself and you now what, I'm glad I did. I don't have to know about you anymore. No more looking into my past. You made this BU easy for me. Don't get me wrong, you still come to mind, but it is not as bad as a month ago. I miss our puppy though

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Tonight is especially difficult.

 

I think whenever I drive by that area, and I see the place you took her on one of your dates, and I think about all the times I asked you to go with me and you always turned me down...it just kills me every time. Anytime i'm on the parkway, on long stretches to drive, I think of you. I get really sad. It's ok that I admit it here and don't admit it to your face. I know now that nothing I say matters, and it is completely pointless to talk to you. I'm on day 8 of no contact, and i'm absolutely astounded at how many days i've made it so far.

 

This is all I can do to regain some sense of dignity, seeing as for 7 months of my life I lost it. I know that you have been trying to call me, and you even once texted me (much to my surprise), but today will probably start your reverse mindf****. I know you well enough at this point, that when things don't go your way, you try to pull your games on me.

 

This time though...there's nothing worth fighting for anymore. We aren't even going to be friends. I would never fully think of you as a friend, I would never trust you as a friend, I would never want to know whats going on in your life. You will always be the one who lied to me, and I will never understand why you had to behave the way you did and disrespect me. I will never understand why the one girl you always lied about, the one girl who constantly bullied me and trash talked me...that one you girl have now decided to call your girlfriend, and proclaim it to the world. It will never make any sense to me. I never deserved you to be so cruel.

 

I think that seeing all the really genuinely mean things you've done to me...you would get it through your skull that there is no reason for you to ever contact me again...or rather, it's time to leave me in peace, and enjoy your oh so wonderful life. But no...you still have to be spiteful, and kick me while i'm down.

 

I will never understand you, but there's no purpose in that anymore. I just want to write it somewhere that...i'm sad. I'm really sad. I'm sad that you're not the person I thought you were. I'm sad that you really took advantage of my low self esteem and compassion. I'm sad that you are so incredibly delusional and don't see how evil your actions have been and still are. I know you will never get it, or admit to any of it.

 

But with my last remaining shred of dignity, I need to remember all of these very horrible things when i'm sad, and tempted to tell you off. I know there is no purpose anymore. In not speaking to you, or responding to your bullying...I win. I have absolutely no more connection to you, and even if I mentally want one, I will physically do everything in my power to completely shut you out and cut any ties.

 

I hope someday you learn a lesson from this. I am the one that got away.

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I will never fully understand how our relationship suffered the way it did to the point of fights and our consequent breakup.

 

When we met it was absolutely magical. Our connection and chemistry was undeniable and simply amazing. Our emails, phone calls, and dates were extraordinarily long. I mean, our first date was, what six hours? Second date was seven hours? And third date at least eight hours? You were so nervous when I first met you and I could tell you liked me. We had so much fun connecting and learning more and more about each other. I was on cloud nine when I met you. You were everything that I had wanted in a girl. You were beautiful, young, intelligent, educated, sweet, personable, affectionate, responsible, ambitious, and a 'girl next door type' with good morals and values.

 

Everything moved very, very quickly. We got both attached early, but you became clingy and smothering. It didn't help that you didn't have your own place, since you lived with your parents, and soon I was feeling suffocated. The relationship was moving faster at that point than I would have likened. I wish I had set some healthy boundaries early on. Please don't mistake my wanting for space as pushing you away; my idea of space was having a little breathing room (maybe an hour) to myself after coming home from work so I could relax. You came over almost immediately every night after I got home and I soon started feeling crowded. We spent almost every work night and every weekend together. I loved spending time with you, but I also wanted to miss you, crave you, want you. By having "space" I would have done just that. Being at work is not "me-time" because I'm on my employer's watch. That doesn't mean I didn't think of you then -- far from it -- but it does mean when I'm unwinding alone from a long day at work I'd miss you greatly and even have time to clear my mind to spend time with you and even surprise you with flowers, candies, a sweet card, or anything thoughtful. Because you didn't work and you were an online student, you were able to do extracurricular things like spend time with your family, friends, ride your bike, do yoga/dance class, go to the gym, sleep in, etc. I didn't get the same luxury because during the daytime when you were able to do those things and structure your schooling around them, I was working. I needed time to reflect, miss you, see my friends and brag about you and of course, at some point, introduce you to them. I was very proud of you and not ashamed or embarrassed in the least bit. You were very affectionate and made me feel like a million dollars with all of our kissing and touching, especially out in public. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have this gorgeous woman by my side.

 

It wasn't very long that after you came back from a short trip your behavior changed. You became more negative and got worked up easily. I started to feel resentful about some of the things you said to me (i.e., how if only you knew about this [certain behavior] before you wouldn't have been with me). We didn't communicate. Not until we started having fights from bottled-up resentments and anger that everything poured out. When you told me your ex was bothering you but that HE had issued a restraining order against YOU, that honestly concerned me. Why would you would be stressed about him if he you didn't care about him and he was lying and filing a bogus restraining order on you? You had so much to say about him in such full and lengthy detail that my gut instinct was that you were not over him, yet you were with me. This man should not have got in the middle of our relationship, but you allowed him to do just that. How was that fair to me? I didn't want to hear about exes and I'm sure you didn't want to hear about mine. I wanted to work on US and leave the past in the past. Your emotional baggage got dragged into our current relationship and changed the entire dynamic.

 

Soon the big fight came about and you were attacking me. I believe misunderstandings played a huge role in this. I never wanted to break-up with you. When I asked you if you wanted a "break," that did NOT mean I wanted to break up with you, or even remotely consider it. I shouldn't have said "break" but perhaps "time-out" because your insecurities were already emotionally heightened and I believe you felt I was going to break up with you and then you decided to get defensive. You weren't happy that I didn't have a long relationship history (which you never asked why) and made me feel weird for that. Then the most hurtful remarks came out of your mouth saying how if you had known that before you might not have been with me. The pain from that comment was the most hurtful thing someone I cared about has ever said to me. This was at least three times you've said similar things and now I was very hurt, angry, and confused. You disappeared for hours and hours to go consult with your sister and brother-in-law (and who knows who else), which you did every time we had a problem! You kept badgering me and making me feel awful about myself. Then you wanted to talk about another issue and how infrequent our sex life was and how that was "not normal" for someone my age to want to have sex only once a week! I could not believe how crappy you made me feel about myself. You emasculated me and made me feel like there was something abnormal about me. You never once took responsibility for anything you did. You had to be right and had to win every argument and deflect everything onto me. You could not, would not meet me in the middle. You asked me if I was mad at you from all this and I finally said yes, but all you could say was, "Well, I'm glad you're finally saying something." That ticked me off. Why were you patronizing me? And then to tell me that maybe I'm just sensitive? Are you kidding me?! How dare you treat me this way! If you would have shown some remorse, some compromise, or even apologized for things you did that caused me to be hurt I would probably have broken down in tears and embraced you wanting to solve the conflict. But instead you wanted me to be the bad guy and give in to you.

 

I will never understand why you left me without so much wanting to try and fix things. By trying to fix things that means being mature and willing to compromise and admit wrongdoing. I did my part, but you failed to take any ownership of what you did. I will always miss you, care about you, and eternally regret how things deteriorated between us. We both failed. I tried to reconcile with you, but no dice. You went back to your ex, the same guy who filed the restraining order on you. And married him three months later. Perhaps my gut instinct was right. Maybe there was something going on with you and him all along. How else can you explain marrying him after you turned him down once before and all the other horrible things you told me? Good luck with that.

 

You missed out on a great, great guy who cared tremendously about you. My limited relationship experience does NOT define me as a person and I refuse to feel bad about it or consider it some abnormality. I have a lot of love in my heart to give and the next girl I involve myself in will see just that and be very lucky to have me. I've learned so much from this experience that I just know it will benefit me in future relationships. You quit on me, on us. Your loss is another girl's gain.

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You really disgust me.

 

How do you jump from one guy to another and act all innocent, cute and loyal?

 

When you jokingly said you wanted to deceive men, I didn't think you were joking at all. You actually are deceitful.

 

You weren't like this when I first met you. How did you change into this?

 

I wonder if you feel guilty when I hold you in my arm. I wonder if you feel guilty when you ask me to be your valentine for Valentine's day this year. I wonder if you feel guilty when I walk you home and kiss you goodbye.

 

You've taught me a lot.

 

I really think you should spend Valentine's day alone this year. I will not be your valentine.

 

Put your ego down.

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I have been still thinking about you but realizing now, as hard as it is to realize, that we were not communicating well at all. I wish we had communicated better from the early stages but this was something very different for me based on how things started between us and I think I based a lot of my actions out of fear. I am starting to understand better the reasons why you acted the way you did, and some of the struggles you are facing dealing with ADD. I wish I had found these things out earlier. I don't think it would have been a magical solution but it would have helped me better understand you and would have given us a better chance at "working". It has been over a month and at this point I feel like I am committed to not initiating contact with you again. I feel that you need to feel comfortable enough to be able to contact me again before we can communicate as friends again. I hope that together we can try communicating better and re-build the friendship that we had before.

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Just got back from a run... I did really well.. managed a little further than I have been doing. Going to make that 10k run in May after all. Wish I could tell you of these trivial little things, the old you would have been so proud and supportive. The new you doesn't give a rat's ass. Well, this time next year I will be on the opposite side of the world from you and I PROMISE myself I will be living life to the full and enjoying the experience that I put on hold for you... so many sacrifices, so many mistakes. I hate that I loved you more than you loved me. No matter what you say, this isn't love...it certainly does not feel like this. I hate that you are the most important person in my life and that my thoughts still revolve around you. I can't lie to myself.. I have to go through these feelings to come out the other side. I know you will never find anyone else to put up with your ridiculous commitment to your disgusting noisy car, your mean and nasty mother and your inability to spend the night anywhere else than your childhood bed. I know I'm mean but I am allowing myself to revel in the reality that is 'you' rather than this prince I seem to view you as. Good luck.

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I'm not well today - I have a throat that feels like I swallowed a box of razors. Considering I feel like crap and took the day off work sick I'm actually not an emotional wreck like I was when I was ill over Christmas.

 

I spoke to my mum about some of how I've been feeling and how the counselling's been going. It isn't easy for me to talk to her about some things, even though in many ways we are close. I know she couldn't bear to see me so distressed a few months back and, although she genuinely thought you were lovely, she is a Mediterranean woman who would kill to protect her kids (even when they are fully grown adults lol!). But I had a really good chat with her today about how this has affected me and how strong my feelings were for you. It was a really positive conversation and I was even able to explain to her the exact reasons why it has been so incredibly hard for me to get over you. I think she finally understood.

 

I hope I don't bump into you at the match on Saturday. I think overall I'm doing much better but I still get these waves of sadness wash over me at random points in the day. I wonder if you are with someone now? I should not care because I no longer want you. But I still can't quite cut the attachment I felt to you. It's like it's slowly breaking down, thread by thread and some of those threads are proving hard to let go of.

 

What are you doing this evening? Are you at your sports club, playing a match? Are you on a date? Pffff. My thoughts are all over the place as usual. I miss your sense of humour, your sense of justice. Why are you emotionally unavailable? Is that something that another girl will be able to break down?

 

O.k. I need to go get some hot lemon and honey and take a warm bath. I hope you sleep well, but have a few random dreams about a pretty, dark haired girl with a heart of gold and a cheeky sense of humour, who casts a spell over you (hehe, yes me! ;-)). Told you my thoughts are all over the place! I wish I could infiltrate your dreams just a little and make you wake up in the morning thinking 'what was that about?!' Well, it happens to me often enough.............

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