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Nynnja
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Oh! And I've just remembered (after reading my post from yesterday) that I had ANOTHER dream about you last night. It was some kind of party? But you only had a bit part in it. You were sat on the floor near to me talking to some other friends, and telling them that you were going to propose to your new girlfriend on this holiday you have coming up next week. I then aggressively got out of my chair (an office chair on wheels) and at the same time pushed it towards you with a lot of force and it then smacked you in the delicate regions

 

You disappeared from the dream at that point and then it all went a bit weird, cars on fire and all sorts! But yes, I think that's an improvement dreamwise

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Dear Ex,

Last night, I had a dream that you had found a new girl and that you both met, in a similar way that we had. And you seemed so happy. On one hand, I was happy for you. I want you to be happy. But, it still sucked. I'm still single. On one hand, I'm glad to be single. My mind isnt right to have someone. But, on the other hand, I feel like I should have someone so that we'll both be "even." FML.

 

Everyday I have to remind myself to let go.

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I don't want to think about you anymore, I want to think about me. But everything reminds me of you. This weekend I'm going to put every shred of evidence that you exist (anything you bought for me or left at my house) in a box and store it in the garage so I don't have to see it. I'm still contemplating deleting your number and all of the texts from my phone. I know I need to, but somehow some of it still gives me comfort. Everything was so good just a few weeks ago and reading those old texts makes me think you must've had some sort of midlife crisis. It's so unhealthy.

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1.. OMG she can be your mom, get alive.

 

2.. cheap star

 

3.. i hate u with a passion, ur ugly face turns me off, regrets regret all the way, hope your daughter turns out to be just like u, wild and s l u t y... hope she get a man just like her daddy, i love when i hear your girlfriend use you up and cheats on you soo much, your face so large yack, i regret ,, and hope u be a big man to face me and apologise, d o g .. i soo hate you. ii regret meeting u,

 

4... il never forget how your family mistreated me, they never made me feel welcome, i hate i met you i hate i slept with u i hate you used me right in my face and i did nothing , i glad we are enemies now cause life goes on, i waiting to see you hate all the way you mis used me.

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Why did you call me now my mind is just filled with you. I was doing so well. Better than ever. Then you had to come and * * * * all over it. I know you're upset and sad but the bottom line is and will always be that you don't want me to be your girlfriend anymore. I wish I didn't love you like this. I was so strong and now I'm crying over you again. Leave me alone to get over you if you're not coming back for good. Just leave me alone.

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I hate you. More than anything right now. I hate who you've become, i think you're such a crappy person for doing this to me. I hope you're having tons of fun at the mountains, getting obliterated, and i hope you're hooking up with some random girl and i hope i find out so i can just let go of you because that would hurt and i'd hate you for it. I hate that you don't even come to me, no text, no call, not even a drunken call and it's not even like i'd want to respond but it'd still be nice to know that ou're thinking of me. I want you to hurt, so bad, just like i do. I want you to miss me and think of me and not have the best time. But that's all wishful thinking. And mostly i just wish you'd come back.

 

A big part of me hopes you get eaten by a bear up there.

 

ps- i miss you, so, so, so much.

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You're a really horrible person, and I hope everything you've done to me will come right back to destroy you.

 

I really regret unblocking your number, I know you felt like you had victory when your phone call went through. I know you were just testing it to see if you still had the power.

 

You flirted all day at work, looked right past me like I didn't exist, and went obviously out of your way to walk nowhere near me. So if you've gone to such grand extremes to show me i'm complete * * * * and dead to you, then I guess we are individually on our own proper paths. Everything is the past now. You are the past now. With every thing you do these days you butcher any remaining decent memories. They aren't worth anything now, except the need to be forgotten.

 

I unknowingly gave you a drop of power, by even showing in my face that I feared or was upset when you were around, and was looking down or trying to be away. You don't deserve that satisfaction though. I already reblocked your number, and will continue to live my life, because after today, you really are dead to me.

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I finally had a good cry. Just me, myself and a bottle of red. I spent the last 10 days just thinking "oh well, this too shall pass", but it caught up with me as I feared it would. I actually bought the wine just to trigger it...partly subconsciously I suppose. I put on a movie that I thought would be uplifting, and it probably would be if there weren't so many little things that made me think of you. Anyway, I contemplated an email...many times tonight, but I won't do it. Half of me feels as though I should tell you things to make you see them in a different light, and the other half tells me that you wouldn't care anyway. I can't risk the latter because I've been so strong. Its too much power to be given and there's no rationalizing with you. If I don't prove my self-worth to you, I will most certainly prove it to me. (ie: what I'm willing to accept for myself and what I won't.) I'm going to dinner with friends tomorrow. I don't know that I'll laugh much, but I'll put on a smile and try to push you out of my head for a little while. It will be good to get out, plus I'll make myself look as pretty as possible which does wonders sometimes for the female ego. Tonight was a test for me as I feared the lonliness all day. My heart is so broken and I wish that meant something to you.

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I guess somehow I'm still subscribed to your fb updates because the first thing I see when logging in today is your post to a mutual friend's wall about how she left her phone at your place. So now, I feel like absolute crap because last night I was in so much pain missing you, thinking about you all night, alone, and all the while you were with her. The same girl I had suspicions about for all that time.

 

Well maybe you will treat her better than you did with me. It always seemed like you had this great deal of respect for her. I should hate you, I shouldn't want anything to do with you, and now this just pisses me off even more. Even after we split, I still want to have control but maybe thats what pushed you to do what you did to begin with.

 

Now I see what everyone means about the roller coaster of emotions after the breakup. I wish I could just get over it once and for all.

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Hey,

 

I saw someone looks like you at the pool bar. The height and the accent. I went to look (I was in the VIP room and you were outside). And I saw your parents with a tanned girl, barely covering breasts tank top with see-through overalls.

 

She's hot. I looked at her and I smiled. I wasn't jealous at all. Is that weird? But as you were adjusting your pool shot, I looked at you and I realized that I missed you.

 

Just you. I don't care whom you're with. Or even whom you're going to end up with. All I ask for me to miss you from afar. I will not ask you to come back, I will not share how I felt, how I missed you. I am asking for the permission to miss you and to look at you from afar.

 

I am not the woman whom you're going to spend the rest of your life with. I am not going to be the mother of your children.

 

I don't want any of those. I accepted that.

 

I like looking at how happy you are right now. I am probably stupid or something but I am seriously and honestly happy that you're happy.

 

My love for you will always be there. Be assured of that. You will never know this. But writing this makes me feel better.

 

And this.

 

This is good enough for me

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This is the only place I allow myself to think and talk about you. You are out there, I knw nothing about you and I hope it will stay this way for at least 3 years. Hopefully more. Not sure I want to know about your getting married etc...no I don't! And yet, deep down I know I am sad. This is ridiculous. It feels unnatural. Although now it feels like ages when in fact is only been 3 months. Yes we were not the perfect match but who is? Yes things weren't right. But you were my home. Ok, I know, it takes two to tango and now I know how it feels when you don't want to be with someone and they chase and chase...just makes you run even faster. So, happy birthday to you. Oh, and That refund cheque we got and I posted to your home address...I had no doubt I wouldn't even get a lousy thank you. You still fear it could give me 'false hope' .... I hope you get food poisoning on your birthday!

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I remember you telling me the last time we broke up that you didn't want to live without me, but if you had to you knew you could. I really need to write these things down so at times like these, I can remember how heartless you really were, even when we were together. What about that time you told me I was acting like a c***? I let myself be treated this way, it's my fault.

 

I really wish I wouldn't have confronted you about it, and just stayed with you, and distanced myself while I still had you. Maybe then it wouldn't be this bad. Or maybe I would have just kept suppressing it and still had been with you. I just can't wrap my head around it-- that this IS for the best. I'm just not seeing it, STILL, after two weeks.

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I went out and had a lot of fun with my friends last night. I can do that a lot now that I'm in the city, instead of out in the suburbs with you. I was having a great time, but all I could think about was that I should be having this fun with you. You should've been there, being social with me. I wanted so much to bring you into my social circle, but the commute and your responsibilities always kept you from coming out with me. We only had each other out there, and that's why I couldn't be a better boyfriend: I was lonely and needed people, so I couldn't be happy. You needed people too, but instead you wrapped your life around me, and we got stuck in a relationship bubble. We should've moved to the city. It's already fixed a lot of my problems, and it would've fixed a lot of yours too. I hate that you only live way out there because that's where your ex-boyfriend before me moved for work. The only thing tying you to that town is your job. There's so much more here. We could've been happy here.

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I finally did it. I removed you as a contact off my phone. I deleted the pictures of/associated with you on my phone. I unfriended and blocked you on Facebook. It took me a month after our break up to do it, but i'm proud of myself for actually going through with it. I had my mind up and I stuck with it. It feels like a whole weight is lifted off my shoulders. In a way, I feel free. If you ever do need to contact me for whatever reason, you still have ways of getting a hold of me - I haven't changed my phone number or email address. But what are the chances? Slim to none. I guess up to a month after, I still had 'hope' that you might come back. But don't worry, all that 'hope' has diminished. There's absolutely none left. It's been 35 days since the break up. At least I can't say I never tried to get you back. I've tried for the last month, but what's a girl to do if she gets absolutely no response? The way I see it, you've moved on..either by yourself or with someone else. There's nothing I can do but move forward now. Don't get me wrong, I still ache inside because I question everything, but why should I be the only one hurting? What's done is done and now it's time for both of us to move along this path..separately.

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I have realised that the last 10mths I have only been living MY dream, it was not yours, you just added little bits to keep my dream alive. I gave you all my power and you happily took it all. I wasted all that time on a dream that was never to be. I only have myself to blame.

 

Please don't ever contact me again. I am incapable of ever believing anything you could say too me..... Your so * * * * ed up and you happily took me along for the ride.

 

It angers me that I have to see your face at work every day and be polite.... I hate it with a passion..

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It's a good thing I'm single and not looking to date anyone...because I'm still see-sawing when it comes to you. The healing process definitely has its ups and downs. Right now I miss you terribly and I don't know what to do about it, except cry and type on here. I miss how we used to talk on Saturday nights over the phone. I miss how close we used to be, and how much we loved and cared about each other. You said a while back that you'd write, and you haven't. Are you going to keep me hanging again? It hurts. I want our close bond back but I don't know if it's possible. You still mean a lot to me, and you always will. I just need some more space to heal, I guess.

 

I feel a little better now. Off to bed...hopefully tomorrow will be brighter.

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You sent me a picture from the beach today and then texted me about the kids swimming in the cold water and going down to the arcade. I wish I had been there with you like all the times before. I know it means you were thinking about me. But it would have meant so much more if you had invited me to go with you. Why did you want to send that to me? Are we really going to be able to remain friends like this? Doesn't it hurt you too? Don't those kinds of memories get to you?

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Well it's now officially 30 days since I sent you that last mail. I'm glad that it at least tried to communicate acceptance of your decision and letting you go. I hope you are well; not sure if my suspicions of you and a certain mutual friend are right, but hope not. I am doing ok, but this week was extremely rough with a bad work incident and that just made me want to travel back a few months. Though it was a short term thing, hope that we can at least work to being cordial again.

 

Take care..

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I know you don't think about me anymore. I should be over you by now too, but your face still haunts me. I have so many things to be happy about in my life, but the memory of you won't dissolve and it hangs over me like a dark cloud. What did I mean to you? I found it so easy to trust every word you said when we were together. You made me believe that you were the kind of person I could be committed to for a long time. We connected with each other so well and we never argued. For a few months I really felt like I had found someone special. Then you went back to school and everything changed. You made new friends and reunited with old ones. Suddenly, you grew colder and more distant. At first, I thought it was just because you were much busier but then I realized that your feelings were changing and I wasn't a priority anymore.

 

So we broke it off, and you acted like I hurt you. I tried so hard to get you back; you even claimed that you still loved me but you kept stringing me along, making me believe we could be together again although you didn't put any effort into making that happen. Your excuse was that things weren't the same, that I had really hurt you. You told me that you had been hurt before in the past and that you weren't going to subject yourself to that anymore. It's so, incredibly frustrating. I never did anything to you. After not talking for over a month, I called you in a time of weakness. I wanted to believe that you were still the same girl I had fallen in love with but you told me that your feelings for me were gone, and that you were talking to other people. What makes things worse, you even told me that you were talking to your first lover again even though you claimed that he had cheated on you and treated you like dirt. I have no shred of respect left for you.

 

You were a fake; I shouldn't have to miss you like this. You completely shattered my trust and I'm still struggling to achieve any sort of closure. I can't reconcile these two images of you; the sweet and loving girl that I met over the past summer, and the cold, detached persona you chose to take on recently. I'm sure you're having the time of your life now, surrounded by all these people that supposedly care about you. Remember all the times you would call me up crying because you knew I was there for you? And I would just sit there and listen to you because I honestly cared. I used to be that guy for you, but you tossed me aside so quickly; I guess I was pretty replaceable after all. And look at me? I'm spewing my guts out with these words, but none of it will matter to you. Good luck with your life, I can't ask for pity or reassurance; I don't want either. I just hope that I never meet anyone like you again.

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Why oh why was I so unlucky to have you working with me?

 

I could be completely over you by now, instead I have you in my face, talking to me every day. When you smile, I just melt inside... How do I move on from this? How do I stop myself from thinking about you, when I sit next too you?

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I just unsubscribed from your updates. I had a split second of anxiety but it feels okay now. I don't think it's good for me to still see what you are up to, especially after what I saw yesterday. Plus, it makes me look like some sort of stalker desperate ex-girlfriend. Now for the blocking part...that will take some time.

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