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Today is exactly a month since I broke up with you. It doesn't feel like it's getting any easier, but I know with time it will. I'm starting to miss you more and more as each day goes by. All the negative things about our relationship seem to be fading, and i'm only left with the positive memories. I miss talking to you everyday. I miss seeing you. I miss your texts - the 'good morning,' 'good night,' 'I miss you,' 'just thinking about you,' ones. I miss you calling me your little 'nerdling.' I miss your smile. I miss running my fingers through your hair. I miss your presence - without you, it actually feels like there's an empty space and it can't be filled with anything else besides your return. I miss how 'awkward' your hands were - how both looked so different from each other that you wouldn't think they belonged to the same person. I miss your laugh. I miss the twinkle in your eyes. I miss your fingers interlacing with mine. I miss your passionate kisses. I miss your beastly hugs. I miss you grabbing my waist from behind. I miss you placing your head in the crook of my neck. I miss how you wouldn't let me go until I kissed you and when I refused to, you'd always 'force' yourself to. See, being in a relationship is not what I miss - it's you, my love.

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You didn't make yourself look very classy with the text you sent my sister. Oh well, I know that its just the hurt you're feeling....you cant fool me. I'm glad you're telling everyone you 'feel great!' after breaking the relationship off, but I don't believe it. I know you too well, and how you make those underhanded types of comments when someone has done something to hurt you. I know all of you're insecurities. You wanted this, now face the consequences of your choices. I didn't say tht we couldn't be friends or talk because I wanted to, it hurts like hell. You wanted space and time to do some 'soul searching', that's what I'm giving you. It's like a death to me, and I have no hopes of you coming back and approaching me with what works best for me in my life. I fully expect to hear more from people about how wonderful you say your life is, that's how it works around here. People love a good story to talk about, and I know you'll give em one. I'll keep my head up high, always speak respectfully of you and tell others that I'm glad you finally have the life that you want and are happy. I hope your birthday was nice, even though I didn't tell you. It was very hard not to tell you.

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Oh God. Up, down, up, down. My emotions are all over the place.

 

Yesterday I got an 'accidental' text from you, which was meant to be sent to someone else for booking tennis courts. Maybe it was purely accidental - you've never initiated contact once since this all happened 5 months ago - but it seems kind of odd to me? The person you were texting had a name beginning with 'M' and mine begins with 'R'!

 

Perhaps you just wanted to see if I was o.k. Most likely you wanted to know that I've been back dating so you can be sure I've moved on. That's what you want isn't it? You really don't feel that way about me at all. You would be absolutely fine if I met someone. I know it. How rubbish is that - I'd at least want you to feel a tinge of sadness. I can't bear the thought of you having someone. I hate myself for thinking that way. I have a feeling that the girl you dated twice may have rejected you. I don't know why, just a gut instinct, but my gut instinct with you was wrong, so who knows?

 

This is so hard. I waited a day and thought I had better respond briefly just to let you know you'd sent the text to the wrong person. You replied instantly and apologized. I replied back and it felt o.k. Just pleasantries. I thought 'this is good - maybe I am getting over him'. 'I don't feel all uptight or anxious'. But your last reply was v brief and just said 'take care.' That always means 'end of conversation' and is a gentle push to me to go away. Ugh! Now I feel crap and wonder why did I reply? I wanted to test if I was o.k. with responding to you, but I'm clearly not. Now all I can think about is that damn match a week Saturday and what if I bump into you with a girl? I just know I won't be able to handle it. I wish you lived in another country. Please God why is this so hard?! Why doesn't he feel bad too? I never in my life thought this would happen to me and for me to act this way and I'm just tired of it all.

 

I still think about you and I'm sick of it. I wish I had an eraser to rub out my memories. My progress is so slow. Did you really not feel anything for me? What were those texts with strings of kisses, the 'I wish I was with you now', the 'I miss you's' the 'I can't believe this is happening, maybe 2011 is a new beginning for both of us', the way you looked at me? All of the other stuff? What was that???!!! How can I ever believe someone in the future if they say those things to me?

 

WHY?

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I'm having, yep, another bad evening. I think the worst has passed though, I've just had a little cry.

 

I suppose I feel lonely tonight and I don't want to talk to anybody else but you. My "friend" is doing my head in, he's already tried to phone me twice while I was at work and when I texted him at lunchtime to say I was still busy, he's since sent three other text message saying random stuff trying to enter me into conversation. It's just TOO much for some reason. He's annoying me. I don't want him to call me "beautiful". I want YOU to call me that, not that you ever did and ever will.

 

And you're WITH SOMEONE ELSE! Since finding this out I've mostly been fine and accepted this (as I have to), been bemused, curious, angry, rejected, replaced, even a little bit happy for you at times. But the moment I found out was the moment you cut me out of your life. So I've weathered this horrible storm alone.

 

When I think you pulled the rug from under everything we shared. Was it really that bad for you?

 

And 5 months after we split, I'm still staying away from places I used to go on a weekend in case I bump into you and your new girlfriend. The thought of that just puts me into a panic.

 

The last thing I want to do is go into a self-pity "It's not fair!" mode but I have seriously never been so hurt in my entire life, and you, the source of my pain, seems to be just dandy with a swish new girlfriend and I'm still in self-preservation mode. And to be rejected time and time again, by YOU making the decision to split up, and then YOU running away from me twice when we met up (when you suggested it), and then YOU saying you couldn't be in touch as soon as you made the switch to the new girlfriend... unbelievable mister!

 

I miss you a lot even though I know we didn't make each other as happy as maybe we should be. But even when I was apprehensive when you were pulling away towards the end I was still SO full of joy to have you in my life. This is just torture, I'm using every bit of my strength to keep smiling. The daytimes are pretty good now, the nights not so much.

 

Maybe I should be more angry with you? I'm not good at anger though. I wanted more than you could give me, I wanted your love and your heart. But when you bull-charged into my life this is exactly what you offered me! But you couldn't quite do it, could you?

 

I know in my heart I've been nothing but mature and sensible after this break-up, yet why do I still feel awful that you felt you had to cut me out the way you did? I didn't once call you, beg you (apart from the "BU talk"), look for you, I only emailed and texted in response to you (and even that was very occasional). I must stop thinking like this. This is not on me. This is about you.

 

Your cold side is horrible and I'm very sad that you had to put me there, but it's the way you obviously choose to deal with things. From the guy who would move heaven and earth for me to the guy who "can't be in touch". What happened, love? Pah! Have fun...I know I'll be OK.

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Oh northpickle I feel for you )-: I too feel I was mature and sensible and that didn't really get me anywhere. It just made me feel like he was able to move on easily. I have also never felt this kind of hurt. I am dreading the match next week because I have this feeling I will see him there. I have not set eyes on him in 5 months. Healing hugs to you x

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Oh northpickle I feel for you )-: I too feel I was mature and sensible and that didn't really get me anywhere. It just made me feel like he was able to move on easily. I have also never felt this kind of hurt. I am dreading the match next week because I have this feeling I will see him there. I have not set eyes on him in 5 months. Healing hugs to you x

 

Hugs back to you Musical Thank you. The hurt is the worst, I'm not really much of a "crier", I normally cry very rarely but at the moment the slightest thing will trigger me off, we had a leaving party at work today, I've been there less than 2 months and I wouldn't say I was particularly close to the guy, although he is great. I was in bits!

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^^^ I feel for you too. And for Musical77. I also can't believe how he just moves on. Baffling to say the least. I am mostly in self preservation mode too, looking for all sorts of things to do to get out of these feelings. Maybe the best is yet to come ladies, who knows!

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NP and quirky (-: Yes, I am baffled as to how someone can move on quite easily. I totally get what you mean about self-preservation mode. I am doing everything I can and more to get through this, counselling, working on myself, planning all of my weekends lol. Crazy thing is I'm now at a point where I genuinely wouldn't want him now even if he had a miraculous change of heart, but I just don't want him to be with someone else! It is too much right now. I guess at least no longer wanting him is progress, because up to about 6 weeks ago I still did.

 

I am not the biggest crier either - usually maybe once a month. I'm embarrassed to say that I cry nearly every day. I have discovered it's a coping mechanism for me to let it all out when I'm in the shower in the morning and then I can generally go through the day without other things setting me off. I told the counsellor I was worried that I was crying too much but she reassured me it's o.k. I haven't cried since Monday morning and you know what it's actually building up in me, I can feel it!

 

It's good to know there is support here girls. I honestly hope there is something good to come quirky - I could do with it! xxx

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Thank you quirky and Musical Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around brooding about him all the time, just some evenings I sit here and type it out to get things of my chest. I sometimes repeat myself, I go round in circles and I'm definitely getting somewhere. But like you say Musical, it does build up.

 

And the ex moving on quickly, I suppose in my case it hurts a lot because he was my mate for a couple of years before we got together, single all that time, and would basically snub any woman who approached him. When we got together we and our friends thought it was some soppy "beautiful fate" type thing! So knowing he has jumped into another relationship...and losing a lot of my friends for self-preservation purposes...it's quite hard.

 

To better times! xx

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You know, in two weeks there is a movie, which I know you would love to see. I need to fight the urge to invite you out to see it (as I am almost sure you will not notice). I WILL NOT do it!!!!

And I will not even post about it anywhere, because it would be meant just for you. ARGHHH!!!!

 

During the last contact you admitted you felt down, but I will not even ask you if you are doing better. I will not!!!

 

´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´

Actually, it would be so easy, to send an e-mail with the information about the movie, wouldn´t it?

 

BUT I WILL NOT DO IT!!!!

(hopefully

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So I'm a fool. I thought I was finally over you ( ffs)

But it stil stings to see your new profile picture.

 

Note to self: Facebook is the devil, even though you think it can't hurt, it will.

Note to this whole Enotalone community: Facebook is the devil, even though you think it can't hurt, it will.

 

I still think you were the one. I still think we should have been... I still think we could...

 

I thought had no more hope anymore after all this time. I thought this flame inside me was done. But it's not.. it's still glowing.. it won't go out.

I feel really weird right now. My heart feels weird.

 

You still touch my heart after all this time. You still give me this weird feeling that I can't place.

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Wish I didn't have to think about you at all. I start to think of the things you would say to make me feel stupid. It was just another way of you trying to control me. I made excuses to my friends that you just had a bad past. But after reading an article which said that victims of emotional abusers will defend them by saying these words "they had a bad past" was not right. I'm sure many of us had not the best of childhoods but does that mean you treat your SO like crap. You don't deserve to be in my head, but you are. It will be a month of NC soon. I'm glad you haven't contacted me in any way. I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship. Now that it is over, you actually gave me something I need, NC...Go figure, and thank you.

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Day 3 of No Contact. My first day back at work after not seeing you for about a week, and after all the hell you raised.

 

I avoided you like the plague, and still you don't have the decency to stay in the back, where you belong and are supposed to be working. You just have to come on the floor and flirt with all the girls and demand attention.

 

But you don't get it. If I have to completely turn my back, look down, look up- I WILL ignore you, and you will not get another chance. See how it feels, after all those endless conversations about how I ran out of chances. The best thing is that I really am a sweet person, and you really will regret this at some point, but I can retain my dignity knowing that I kept my character and grew through this horrible ordeal.

 

So yea, it's possible to ignore you, and I will only grow each day. Blocking your number was the best idea ever. Blocking all those websites with your stupid pictures was the best idea ever. You will have no control over me, and I finally have destroyed your hold. The power belongs to me.

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I have nothing to say, really.

 

I started to... talk with this guy. Maybe I'll give this a try even though he definitely and totally out of my league. In a bad way.

 

I come from high standing family, earn awesome money, I am intelligent and I am talented. In bed.

 

This guy is not intelligent. Probably intelligent in comparison to his circle. His talk of nothing annoys me.

 

He doesn't earn as much as me (not even close). I'm 29, and he's 39 (divorced. HA! Where are non-divorced men in this world?). Granted, my new manager said I'm being paid more than the MEN in the dept and they had been doing their job as long as they live.

 

But I want a companion which would not be a burden to me.

 

I am sick of meeting less intelligent people in my life.

 

You're the most intelligent men I've dated in my life. So intelligent that I felt so inferior. You get most things I said.

 

I will try harder. I will find someone.

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You gave up on us again. Because you said you dont love yourself, you dont know what you want, your afraid of the future. 8 years i have stayed by your side and put up with behaviour that is beyond acceptable. I am just as angry at myself for wasting all this time with you. Hoping that you would change, that your violent outbursts would stop, that i would one day make into your top ten on your priority list. But i know know that you will never change.

 

I am laid back, where as you thrive on drama and chaos. I should have known thats just who you are, and no matter how i change, you will always be the same. When you gave up again yesterday, i didnt get angry, or beg or cry. I simply told you not to contact me again, and wished you the best for your future. I hope in the future though, you kerb your destructive ways. Not only for your own health, but for the next guy you choose to share your life with. Dont put him through the torture you put me through.

 

I know i stayed with you because deep in my heart, i loved you deeply, and still do. I still lay here and miss you badly, but i know now, i no longer want you in my life. Maybe one day you will figure out what it is that you want, and i hope you do, but i wont be around to wait for that to happen.

 

You have a lovely side, but also a deeply damaged side. I hope the councelling helps you, and if not, the antidepressants subdue your constant anger. Maybe even you will take responsibilty for your actions and realise you brought most of these "unfair" things on yourself.

 

Maybe one day you will realise its the small things in life that bring the most joy. Watching the sun rise on another beautiful day, the gentle hand that strokes the hair from your face, the small things that someone does that truly loves you. The things you take for granted on a daily basis.

 

So continue to stumble along then through your drama and chaotic life, trying to make lots of money and impress everyone, constantly changing what it is that you actually want. I know one day you will realise what it is that actually want, and it will be too late.

 

I forgive all the things you have done, but i will not forget.

 

So I honestly wish you luck, i really do.

 

Because your going to need it.

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Wow, it felt like you were talking about my ex. Sounds just like her. I loved her that much too but didn't deserve the treatment she dished out to me. I tried to make her see it but when she tells me that she does not know if she can change, it made me reevaluate the relationship and what kind of person I should actually be with, but I realize that, for now, i'm better off alone, dust myself off, pick myself up, and move on without looking back. Easy to say but hard to do, but nothing is impossible.

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I am in some sort of emotional hell this morning. I am about to throw a couple of your things away and I am actually still in disbelief. Where did your love go? How could you pull away like this? I have lost myself, my direction, my strength. All I hope and pray for is to have myself back.

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BU Jan 16

NC Day 10

 

I miss you more and more every day. But I have been working my way to accepting you are gone. I still think about you a lot, and I haven't been crying as much. I had a stressful day yesterday and it felt better to cry last night before I went to sleep. It was around the time we would have our goodnight calls. Those calls we had every damn night we were apart for the past 10 months, never missed a night. I have to remind myself that after those calls that meant so much to me, when I would go to sleep, you would still be awake in those stupid chat rooms. Why did you have to be so immature and callous, I'll never understand what you got out of doing that. Why couldn't you just be normal and look at porn? Hah.

 

So the pain is still there but it comes and goes, it gets worse if I'm having a bad day or at night. This was the first morning that I woke up semi okay since we broke up. I know that I will have bad moments and I will accept that. But I refuse to let this get in the way of me living my life. I have been keeping busy with work and school. I have been going out of my way to talk to new people in my classes and it has taken my mind off of losing you because I am gaining new friends.

 

I really hope you are happier now. After all, I did tell you that I just wanted you to be happy, even if it meant losing me. Guess I have to stick by what I said, even though you and I both know I didn't truly mean it.

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A text saying you love me? REALLY? Like none of this happened? I thought you needed your space and wanted to do some 'soul searching'! Did you think I was going to just drop everything I was doing and pine over it as if it were so true and then respond b/c this time you must surely mean it? This is not a game! This was a lifetime decision that I told you to be very sure of! If your ego needs a boost, go to a strip club!! Ugh, you deplete me!!

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You know the more I think about it, you didn't text me by accident. It just seems too coincidental. You have also kept my number in your phone. From what I've read on this site it seems you did the good thing by never initiating any contact with me for 5 months - it meant you didn't want to play games, string me along, give me hope, confuse me, etc, etc. Yet in those first few months it actually devastated me more that you wouldn't just very occasionally check I was o.k.

 

I know you don't want me, but maybe you feel that if I have moved on (found someone else) only then can you confide in me, about, what was it you said? 'uncertainties about myself'. Mmmm. The funny thing is, had you been able to elaborate more on that, it would have been easier for me to come to terms with everything. The great difficulty for me has been to let go of this wonderful guy who I felt I'd known for ages even after the first date, a guy that I had so much chemistry with, who was really keen on me, thought I was wonderful too, just back out as fast and as suddenly as it takes Usain Bolt to run the 100m!

 

I know this is ridiculous of me, because I have to put myself first, but I still hope that one day, whenever that might be, you can trust me to tell me what holds you back from emotional intimacy. But I'm wise enough to know that it may not happen.

 

I am really not so bad after our little text exchange yesterday. Although I did dream about you last night and it was a nice dream (-: But then again, I had a dream after that that someone had amputated my lower left leg and replaced it with an artificial limb!

 

Enjoy your match and I hope you sometimes think of me fondly. I am an incredible person. Not perfect, but pretty damn close honey x

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I went to a training day in another city today, I was up very early in the morning, rush rush rush. Met some colleagues at the train station. Chatted away. You were the furthest thing from my mind. But the last time I went to that city, in fact about the last 5 times I have been to that city, was when I was with you. But as we walked to the university, I was pleasantly surprised. It didn't hurt all that much being back there. I saw many certain places that hold memories, the art gallery we visited just before we broke up, the shop where we bought umbrellas to protect us from the summer showers...only a couple of weeks before we broke up? It was a lovely day out, at least I enjoyed myself! But there was almost no pain, in fact I smiled a little bit. And I had a great day today, very interesting.

 

But on the train back home this evening, I felt down again. Maybe because I was tired after a long day. It was cold, dark. Couldn't see much out of the windows and the train seemed to take forever. Going through a particular station hurt as it reminded me of another happy day out with you. Or at least I thought they were happy days out. Who knows what you were thinking? Maybe I'm kidding myself or maybe, as you always used to say, "I always enjoy spending time with you". I hope that is true. Not that it matters now.

 

But yeah, I'm not too bad tonight. I'm doing the right thing by slowly building a new life and the new memories that come with it, although I still have to fight through pain to do it. Just to be next to you was amazing and losing you is a difficult experience, but hopefully I'm doing OK.

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