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Post here instead of contacting your ex!


Nynnja
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So I went the party last night. The guy i've been talking to was there. We didn't really talk, just said 'hi,' and he gave a hug..or two. It's weird. I feel like i'm 'cheating' on you by going out and talking to other guys. It doesn't make any sense because we're not together anymore, so i'm free to do whatever I want. But I can't. It doesn't feel 'natural' like it did with you. I feel like i'm forcing myself to talk to him, just to get you off my mind. I hope you're happy, because of you I couldn't even have a good time. I was the quietest one there. You were on my mind the entire night. I know I shouldn't be talking to guys right now, because all they want to do is hook up. I should let myself heal before getting into anything, but they're good distractions (at least for a short while). I know I shouldn't even be thinking about hooking up with anyone, and I know i'd regret it, but * * * * it..that just may be the way I want to deal with things. Thanks for making me into this person who just doesn't give a * * * * anymore.

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I made it through a rainy Sunday that we normally would've spent hanging out, maybe watching a movie or cooking some great Sunday meal. It was the first time that I've gone a full 24 hours without talking to you in a year in a half. It was empowering to take my control back and at the same time I had moments where I thought I would literally stop breathing. I don't know how I ever gave you that much power over me; I've always been so strong and independent. I guess I wanted to believe everything you said so badly that I let my guard down. That sucks, because the next guy (if and when that happens) doesn't stand much of a chance. I don't want to be so unavailable that I never let anyone close to me again and yet I can't imagine finding someone that will fit the criteria of knowing that I have trust issues..and rightfully so.

 

You go back to work tonight for a week, which makes me feel a little better b/c I know you won't be out. I'm sure the guys on the boat will tell you that you have to keep a woman in her place and that if you're just a little patient that I'll come crawling back again. That's what they always do to make you feel better when you play the 'push/pull' game with me. Won't it be a shock when that doesn't happen? Your 40th birthday is Wednesday and I won't text or call. That's so sad for you, its what you wanted. Well, you wanted to be close friends and say all of the right things about how much you miss me and wish you would've kissed me but you still don't know what you want. I know what you want....to give me just enough to keep me available to make yourself feel better. It doesn't work that way anymore. You made me believe you couldn't go through life without me, but that wasn't true.

 

I do hope your birthday is a good one, but I certainly won't give you the satisfaction of letting you know that. Chels says I should send you a generic card in the mail that you won't get until next Monday when you're home, but I just don't think I can even give you that. I'm undecided. Your stupid presents are at my house. It was the picture you said you wanted and the japanese ceramic cat that you drooled over....yeah, I think you might be gay a little. Why would I continue to help you decorate your little vinyl shack that you live in when you told me so many times that you wanted to live with me? I shouldn't have invested so much time into believing you...I do quite well on my own. I'm sorry that you're so confused about what you want, but I hope that when you figure it out it comes your way and that you're not stuck being the lonely, miserable man that you are.

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PS...I know that ex wife of yours that got pregnant by another man and left you is recently single again. I almost hope that you try to patch things up with her since you can't seem to get her off of your mind. Her character flaws only make me look better. Having to pick up those pieces again may just officially ruin you for good; I hope you're ready for it if that's the course you take.

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Tonight's a bad one...today was fantastic but this evening I can't get you out of my head. I simply can't believe this has happened. The relationship. The break up. The aftermath.

 

Memories rolling and cascading all around me.

 

Every moment I spent with you meant the world to me.

 

Even when you bust my lip by accident by trying to be polite and opening a door for someone...right into my face!

 

But as you fade from my life the memories still don't go away.

 

And I can't even tell you any of this, not that you would want to hear it.

 

Whatever we had, whatever it meant to both you and me, is long gone now.

 

But as I move on, I won't forget it.

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Hope you're ok Northpickle...I completely understand how you are feeling. On day one no contact 5 months after break up. Sucks.

 

Sucks is the word! I just saw you had updated your thread...hugs to you. My ex is now seemingly living the life of Riley with his new girlfriend, foreign holidays and the lot after (I'm guessing) 2 months dating! Nice! Grrrrr....

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Why is it that my good spells are punctuated with these really bad days? I feel dreadful today.

 

I have a breakout of spots (I'm 34 for God's sake!) and it is bringing to the surface how profoundly it affected me when I was younger and how, despite the fact I have a lot less probs with my skin nowadays, I still have these deep insecurities about how I look. They are etched inside of me. It was so great that you could relate to that part of me and I could you. I couldn't understand how you didn't feel attractive because I thought you were so cute and you have beautiful eyes and a cheeky face and I loved running my hands through your hair. You joked about your hair thinning but I didn't care. I thought you were gorgeous and I loved the fact that you didn't know it! You made me feel so attractive and beautiful and when I tried on that new dress in my bedroom, you told me I looked amazing and it was so heartfelt I knew you meant it and it meant more to me than anyone could possibly know. I'm crying now just thinking about it.

 

I feel so unattractive today. I've even missed my choir rehearsal because I just didn't feel I could face it tonight. I'm feeling sorry for myself and I know in a few days it will be better. But I feel so upset. So upset. Why couldn't you be there for me?

 

Please let tomorrow be better - this rollercoaster of emotions is hard to ride sometimes........

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I honestly can't stop missing you or thinking about you and it hurts. I don't know why i miss you so much. I always focus on the good you, the boy who didn't break my heart when maybe i should be focusing on the old you. But i loved you with my whole heart and now that you're completely out of my life, i feel terrible. It breaks my heart that you don't even attempt to contact me, i wonder if you're ever even tempted? I feel so broken and it feels like right now, i'll never be able to put the pieces back together. I miss you so, so, so much and i wish you'd come back, i wish we'd have a second chance. We would have been okay, you know. I think a second chance would have been a good thing. I miss every piece of you but i guess this is the way it's going to have to feel for awhile. I just don't want to hurt anymore, i don't want to miss you...i want you to miss me.

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I had a really tough day today. I feel so weak and my self-confidence is at an all time low. It was so much easier when I knew you had my back, and were there to support me through it. Now I feel so alone because I am. No one, nothing, and meanwhile you've got friends to fall back on. I made you my life, and now I'm seeing the consequences of it. I miss you so much.

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I just thought you were made for me. 11 months together, laying in bed, laughing, watching classic movies, you playing the viola. I remember the 1st debate we had about our theories of the evolution of skin colors. You didn't have good social etiquette and weren't a typical "lady" but I really just would have done anything to see a smile on your face. We may never see each other again, and its just a very sad situation. I have met other girls, traditionally more physically attractive too, but I had so much invested in my cc, makes me sick thinking about it. I wish I could erase all memories but i can't.

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I hate waking up in the morning and the first thing on my mind is you. Then I have to go through the checklist in my head for the reasons why I'm not with you in the first place. After that, I have to plan my day so I can keep myself busy so you are less on my mind. I've been here before so I know what to do and what to expect from me. The only way is up and you know what, i'm slowly climbing out of that hole that you slowly dug for me. I ask myself what should I miss about you, nothing comes to mind quickly and I wonder why I have to be on this emotional roller coaster. Yes, i'm sad at times but I manage. I still can't think of what I really miss about you.........

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Five years now gone and all I can think of is you. I miss the good things about you and the time we spent together. I miss the innocent times where I knew our love for each other was real... Unmatched by anything else. I miss that feeling knowing that there was nothing that would come between us... I put everything I had into our relationship but you traded my heart for an illusion. I couldn't watch you anymore lying to your self and continuing to believe in this infatuation of yours while you lead me along. I'm letting go forever and never going back but no matter how hard I try.... I know a part of you will always be in my heart. Broken.

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Its been a week since the breakup today. I'm doing better today but I still wake up feeling a terrible pain in my stomach when reality hits. I'm still foolishly holding onto hope because I still have your key and you left a nice suit vest and dress shirt at my place. Plus I can see thy you haven't taken down our tagged photos on fb. I really hate that I am so desperate for you to come back. You were so horrible to me throughout our relationship. You clearly didn't care and I'm probably just a distant thought to you at this point.

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The cruise date is coming up really fast. I was supposed to be with you on that cruise. The same cruise we took last year. I know you will still be going with you friends. It will be a month of NC contact when you are on the ship sailiing away without me on it. It's ok though, its for the best, the best for both of us. Having NC makes everything more clear each day. Red flags in the beginning should have made me leave earlier but I wanted to give love a try. I wanted to do my very best and give you my all so I can say at least I tried and did my part the best the could. I didn't wanted to go on with the "What ifs" on my mind. Enjoy your cruise. I finally realized a good thing that I miss about you, your warm body next to mine while we sleep.

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Haha, today is your birthday...not tomorrow. I just realized it. Funny how your mind will protect you from certain things. I hope you sit there all day waiting for me to text or call you and that everyone you know asks if you've heard from me. You are so selfish, all you think about is you. I wish it wasn't all I think about too.

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I had another bizarre dream about you last night. It started off in a busy airport. I always dream about aeroplanes when I'm worrying! I was stood with random people who I know and have known beside a very busy runway, planes landing in very quick succession. You were there somewhere but I couldn't see you.

 

Then it switched to a theme park, and it was just you and me. I understand this part of the dream, this was was my brain reminding me of all the great days out we had together. But in the dream I was trying to relax, trying to have fun and you were there with me, but you were the cold "after break-up" ex, not the person I had a relationship with.

 

But it didn't upset me really, I can still remember it vividly over 12 hours after waking up though.

 

We used to compare our dreams a lot. Mine are always like mini-movies, complex and detailed. You said yours were more simple, like an image of a metal fork or something! But then you said that wasn't always true...but didn't elaborate.

 

You were always a tough nut to crack. I tried.

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Get out my head already, i'm trying to study and you just keep creepin in. I wish I could just hug you right and hear you say that everything will be ok.......but its not that easy. it doesn't work that way, the right way. nothing ever comes easy. I wish memories were easy to put away, like placing an old blanket in box and tucking it away deep in a closet and eventually forgetting about it. Feelings and emotions suck right now!!!

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Mr bear I still miss you so much ppl say they miss being in a relationship, but its YOU I miss

 

Your in my dreams. I still don't believe I will ever meet anyone like u again. I feel sick thinking what you might be up to, and how I think you will never want to talk to me again how I believe that if I saw u in a pub ot something I think you would blank amd walk right past me. I hate it. It's devastating still. You've gone. And yet after 4 months I still think about u loads imagine seeing u, think every car that drives past is you. Thinking how you travelled all that way to go on a night out with her!!! makes me feel sick, sad, desparate, jelous and worthless. I loved you so much.

 

I have lost you. Gone. It's like we never even met. What was the point in it??? There's ni trace of u in ly life. We don't have the same friends at all. I will never see you again I hate you for giving up after everything you said!!! You know what, u took e for granted more than anyone ever has!! U could easily not give me a kiss before u went to bed, u hardly snogged me (and when I went for one I felt like u pulled away/didn't want to all the time!!) U didn't because u thought "I can kiss her anytime..." "I can kiss her in the morning..." taken me for granted!! A weekend we had planned to do something for weeks u say "oh I have booked my car in for new parts on Saturday, we can't go, we'll have to go another time...." ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?? And we never went (for anyone that reads this as we broke up!! - exactly my point of taking things forg granted they may not be there the week after!!) It was so easy for you to say and do that. That upset me so much because you blamed me for you booking ur car for that day!!! It was nothing to do with me!!!

 

I loved you so much. I would never have dine that to you even if other ppl think ot is a small thing. Well u were like that all the time (incl hardly wanting to uave sex because u coupd "get it anytime") I didn't take u for granted as much as u did me. No way. I appreciated you so so much. I don't know why!!! Because you didn't give me half of what I gave you. I lost confidence. I felt like I was an annoying person. I felt u getting distant too. and xaring less. So I tried harder as I knew deep down I was loosing u to which you pulled away more. MAD. Why didn't YOU put more effort in too!!?? That was too hard for you. To tell me things and to open up. To tell me how beautiful my body is or how soft my skin is and how nice my boobs are, to be excited when we did things, to have passionate evenings in.... IT'S YOUR LOSS!! I hope you imagine how lucky the guy i settle down with is, how we have passionate loving sex, how he makes me breakfast in bed sometimes, how I tell him I live him, how I look at him how I used to look at you, how i would do anything for him and how me and him will grow old together.

 

Bye

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Day 2 of No Contact.

 

I haven't seen you at work since thursday, and it's going to be horrible to have to try and avoid any sort of glance at you or walking by you. You are so selfish and come out on the floor so I can see you, and you can have my attention. It's not fair, just stay in the back and work. You don't want me, so why the hell do you want my attention? But anger aside, today is my 2nd day of no contact, and in and of itself it is a massive feat. I had your number blocked so I won't be stupid enough to contact you, and you won't contact me. The only way we could talk is if you come up to me in person, and God knows you're too much of a prideful ahole to do that. It is better for me actually. It is better for me to be in the front of our workplace, and you to come out to the floor, being obnoxious, flirting with every girl in sight, flaunting your happiness and how you moved on so quickly from me. It is better that I will quickly have to learn how to be entirely unaffected by you and your constant need to have your ego fed. Get a life, you're a real loser. Oh, and by the way, I blocked all those websites where you were putting up your stupid love relationship pictures, and the ones she spitefully tries to throw in my face. Guess what? out of sight, and soon out of mind.

 

Today a coworker tried to get me to talk crap about you. I replied "He's happy, so good for him", then coworker replied "Yea but look who he's with, a psycho", and I just said "Different things make different people happy". And walked off, unaffected. So there you go, I will never sink to your level again. I will always be the better person, even when I don't have to try, because I have CLASS. I am a classy girl, who doesn't put up nonsense online for attention. I am a classy girl who WILL get over you, and WILL be even more incredible because of this. Even if I don't find someone else, it will be better than feeding your ego. I hope that everything falls apart for you, and you have to deal with that horrible feeling in your stomach of regret. I hope one day you'll feel so alone, like your world is falling apart, and you will really regret trying to destroy someone as sweet and innocent as I was at the time, and now am again.

 

You will no longer have power over me, even if it tears me apart to try to fight it every day. You will not have that victory over me. I will be living proof that there is more to life than you, and I always deserved better, and you had a chance and you majorly ruined your life with stupid selfish decisions.

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