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Nynnja
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I don't miss you. I realize that now. All this time the only thing I've missed is what I pictured you to be upstairs.

 

I've tried to contact you, foolishly. You've never, EVER intiated contact with me. Never put yourself out there for US, only for yourself. If you didn't see any gain FOR YOU it wasn't worth doing.

 

Selfish little girl...in that way I pity you. You may have your pride intact your entire life, but you'll never be close to anyone unless that attitude changes. If that ever happens, I'll hate you even more because you robbed it from ME. I put the time into our relationship, I made nearly all the effort while you sat there and had a little pity party for yourself in your happy place. ALONE. You're a weak person. Stay in your shelter. I tried to be with you and you kicked me out too. Maybe we're all doomed to suffer in our own way.

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I hate who I am today, I hate wanting to cry all the time and wondering where you are and who you are with.. I hate how you left me, after six years on the floor as I attempted to pick up the pieces of a world I now consider a lie. HOW DARE you drop my stuff off at my front door without the decency to look at me in the face. You took our dog, a part of my family and my damn heart when you left. I don't understand, You said we didn't have what it takes to make it, that our life would be average? AVERAGE? What movie did you watch to figure out what "average' is.

 

I hurt so bad, my life was planned with you.. YOU. I loved your family, your niece, you, and you just decide you can leave and say you've been thinking about it for a couple months? WHERE WAS THE RESPECT FOR ME? FOR US? I'm looking back over the last 2 months, and you never talked to me ONCE. Your reasons are the reasons of an immature 20 something year old, in love, cats and dogs don't matter. WE MATTERED. Our connection was there, just lost in life somewhere, I KNOW we could have regained it, it was SIX YEARS! Now I am the one who is here, feeling like I can't breathe and my heart is about to come out of my chest. It's one thing to be over, it's another to completely stomp on my heart and soul.

 

I wish someone would tell me how to stop loving you.. that is what I need, I loved you for 6 years, how do i stop that? How do i act like you were never around? How do i go to sleep at night and not think about you, and not have you be my first thought every day... You told me to always have faith and hope in us, that you believed as long as i did we would be awesome. We laughed all the time, we snuggled.. DAMN YOU for taking the last years of my 20's and the first of my 30's.. DAMN you for telling me you were not a lier when all you did was lie.. DAMN YOU for killing me and my love, because I know somewhere I will love again, but I can't even imagine, because I truly thought you were my forever, I saw kids and saw our wedding. You tell me six years was not a regret, that they were great, LIER LIER LIER... all of it was a lie, because you refused to be challenged, you refused to grow up, you refused to be a MAN.

 

But because of your refusal, I feel like an idiot, like the dumb girl who fell for the commitment phobia guy.. My sister was always right, if he wanted to marry me, you would have.. You were always so judgmental of all other relationships, yet, you were the worse of them all. All those others cared enough to fight, you are self centered, too worried about this life you live, too afraid to separate from it, to experience new things. Even though you have your hobbies, and your friends you can drink with, YOUR LIFE IS AVERAGE! you will NEVER know anything NEW, you will always be afraid, and I will forever be your issue, because you never DEALT with us, you ran away, and you can keep running, but what you did, how you reacted to us will FOREVER follow you.

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I don't know how much longer I can put up with this pain. It's been 8 months, and it feels like it happened yesterday. I've tried everything. Nothing helps.

 

I'm leaving for Japan in about a week and a half. I'm not even excited. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. It's just one of those things I'm forcing myself to do. I know I can't lay in bed all day and cry, even though that's the only thing I ever really feel like doing.

 

For a long time, I really, truly tried to be happy. And then things just steadily got worse. So I've given up even trying to be happy. It's not worth the effort. My dad says there's no lasting joy, at least not in this life. He says the point in life is not to be happy or to seek happiness. I'm not trying to be happy. I'm just trying to not be in pain. Maybe I can't be 10, but can't I at least be 0 instead of -10?

 

I hate this. I'm fully aware of how ridiculous I sound. When I broke NC back in June, you asked me to "not sulk." It was so condescending that I wanted to hit you. How dare you tell me what emotions are and are not appropriate? You think I want to feel like this? I have done everything I can possibly think of to improve my mood, but time and time again, I'm just disappointed. All those "solutions" are just band-aids on a deep wound.

 

I really hate that I am this person, this stupid whiny girl who can't get over a break up. I just want to go back in time. I always think it can't possibly get any worse, and then it always does. I just want it to stop. I just want the pain to go away.

 

What is wrong with me? Why am I such a horrible person that so many people advised you to leave me for her? It's not like I didn't try. I tried really, really, really hard. I worked out and dieted and always tried to please you in bed and bought you things and let you cry on my shoulder and let you cancel plans last minute so you could hang out with friend and didn't get jealous when you talked about how hot your female friends were and defended you in front of other people and drove you places and made you meals and let you pick every movie and restaurant and dropped everything when you needed me and always apologized first. But I always made you angry. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to not upset you.

 

And if trying my hardest is not good enough... well, what then? If I am doing the very best that I can do and still failing, what am I supposed to do?

 

And on top of this self-disgust, I recognize that a break up is not the worst thing that can happen to me. I recognize that there is far worse out there, and things can and will get even worse than they are now. So in light of all this, what am I supposed to do? How can I get out of bed in the morning? How can I even get on that plane to Japan when I face the future and know that my pain can only increase exponentially yet all happiness is fleeting at best?

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I truly felt like a robot today. I had to fake it through 6 hours at work and kept having vivid flashbacks of us. I would actually physically cringe at those moments. It was so much easier to get through the day when I had seeing you to look forward to.

 

I am supposed to be meeting up with a guy I dated years ago tomorrow night. I don't even want to. I want to just come home from class and stay in the rest of the night. I don't even know how I should act when I see him, I'm so used to just being relaxed and myself around you, not having to really be "aware" so to speak. I'd rather just see you and cuddle, not have to think or put on an act.

 

Put on an act...funny I should say that now, seeing as though it seems that was all you were doing towards the end of our relationship.

 

Anyway. I don't feel ready to be back out there dating, but a part of me just wants to feel desired again. It's been so long since I felt appreciated. I know nothing spectacular will come from this meeting, but I figured I have nothing to lose. It may turn out to be fun but I highly doubt it with the way my attitude is lately. I'll probably be thinking of you the whole time.

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I just came back from having coffee with my cousin and her boyfriend. I talked to them a lot about our break up and how I want you back but my efforts are getting nowhere because you're just 'ignoring' me. They told me everything I basically didn't want to hear. They told me all these negative things that I really don't think are true because only I know you, not them. But now they've got me questioning things. They both agreed that if you actually loved me like you said you did, you would have tried to contact me by now, even if I was the one who dumped you. Since breaking up with you, i'm the most upset right now. I feel like crap. I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers until someone wakes me up and tells me this was all a bad dream. It's going to be a long night. I miss you so, so, so, so much. My eyes are welling up now.

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I miss you so much. I wish I could write this and have you actually respond with your feelings. Do you miss me? Did you cry? Did I hurt you by cutting contact? I feel like we were so close, knew each other so well, got along like two peas in a pod. And then I said I didn't want to be friends and I cut all contact. I threw that all away. But you were wrong, too. You hurt me so bad. You responded to me like I was one of your business contacts. You led me on. You lied. You told me you were aloof. How stupid do I have to be to keep falling in love with men who don't love me back? Nobody ever will, you know. You men don't feel love. You don't feel anything. You proved that. I've lost everything I've ever wanted- every dream, every place, every person. There is only me now, nothing left. I'm trapped here inside my head. And tonight you're here with me. I know you're only here because I'm a pmsing emotional wreck. A few more days and I'll tell you to go to hell and kick you out again. This too shall pass. I wish I haunted you the same, though. If I scream loud enough in my mind, maybe you'll feel my pain, all the way accross the world in your stupid sunny country. I hope the sun there burns your heart to cinders. I hope it burns the whole place.

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This week has been crazy. My emotions are on a constant yo-yo. I guess that's an improvement on feeling sad 24/7, but I'm getting tired of this now. I no longer think about you 80% of the time - it's down to about 30% on a good day and 75% on a bad day. How long is it going to take?!

 

I worked late shift last night. Felt fine at work, went home and booked a holiday with my brother and his partner, but when I was getting ready for bed I was in the bathroom and just suddenly went into meltdown. Total meltdown. I didn't even know what I was crying about, everything I think, I was wailing and asking God to help me because I don't know what to do anymore, and if anyone had seen what a state I was in, well I would have been totally embarrassed. It would be comical if it wasn't so sad. I cried twice already today, but I'm now feeling better again and looking forward to the weekend.

 

I know it's going to take time. You were good to me, treated me well, and got out before it got serious. I guess I should be grateful for that. I know you are a man with values and I see some people's story's here and think how lucky I was to meet a true gentleman, someone who I felt on a par with, someone I was able to be totally myself with and not have to try to be anything else. I treasure that. But you did let me down, even if it was never your intention to mislead me. You made me feel that you had feelings for me. I fell in love with you and yet because I was apprehensive about where things were heading, trying to be cautious, and because I have never felt that way before, I didn't even realise I had fallen in love with you.

 

Yes, it took me 4 months to realise and admit to myself that I had fallen in love.

 

I wish I could forget you. But I can't. And I do feel very sad that you are dating and probably flirting with someone and god knows what else with them. But I have enough self-worth to know that although it hurts to imagine you saying those lovely things to someone else, when you said them to me, I know you meant them.

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you know you are so selfish.. you are worst person i ever hope to encounter.. you know what i don't regret breakup, i actually regret that i even met and saw your face...i regret moment when you came in my life.. you are such a jerk... you didn't deserved my sacrifices..... i don't ever want to hear anything about you or see your face or hear your voice... you screwed my life..... i will never forgive you..

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Just came back from the "date" and I feel a mix of emotions. I didn't want to be there but I tried to be cordial. He kissed me at the end of it and I can't really identify how I feel about it. I'm so used to your lips and how they fit with mine perfectly. The date itself was okay, I was a little awkward and so was he. It paled in comparison to our first date. I miss you so much.

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Apparently you didn't change your phone number. I tried calling you again today 'blocked,' and it rang, but I hung up before you could answer. Last night when I tried it said 'this number is temporarily out of service,' so I assumed you changed your number.

 

Tonight's the night i'm gonna do it - call you. I broke up with you a month ago and during that time i've sent two texts and one email, but I haven't actually tried calling you. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to do it because I need to apologize and let you know that I want to be with you again. If you decide to not want to get back together with me, i'll understand. I'll feel good knowing that I at least got an answer. I know that if I don't call you and let things remain the way they are now, i'll always wonder 'what if?' I'd be happier getting a direct negative response from you than nothing at all. The silence is killer. My worst fear is that you won't pick up though. I pray that you do. If it goes to your voicemail, i'll leave a message, but i'm almost 100% certain that you wouldn't call back. Please pick up your phone. You need to hear what I have to say, it'll help us both.

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I had the creepiest dream about you the other night!

 

We were having sex, except you were somehow a girl or something. You were in a submissive doggy style position, and I was trying to get myself off and every time I would get close to orgasm, you would say something like, ugh, are you done yet? in your agitated girly tone of voice and I would get so frustrated, like can't you just pretend to enjoy it until I finish?

 

I was really creeped out, naturally, when I woke up. But the scenario somehow seems so plausible, which is what makes it so funny.

I am thisclose--to getting it all out of my system. I guess DEEP down I mourn the genuine desire I had to get married young and start a family and just grow up, the way I always wanted to since my teens. It all could have been possible with (obviously not you, thank god) but with someone who actually shared my values and my level of maturity.

 

I shouldn't have ever given up on that dream. That has nothing to do with you though--but that's what I think of when I think of you. I think about how much I wanted those things, and how you made me realize I could never achieve that dream at this point in my life. That ship has sailed but my life is still quite fresh.

 

I'm not even mad at you anymore. I don't necessarily feel bad for you, but I definitely prefer my lifestyle and outlook to yours. Cheers

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So I called you last night. It rang about five times and then said 'the customer you're trying to reach is not available right now. Please try again later.' You don't have voicemail anymore, so I couldn't leave a message. Obviously you got a 'missed' call on your phone. It's the next afternoon now and I haven't heard from you. I KNOW I won't be hearing from you. I guess it's too late for me to try and fix things. Maybe I should have tried calling you earlier, like within the first week or so that I broke up with you. But that's the thing, at first I felt relieved and empowered. But then the third week hit and the 'you don't know what you have until it's gone,' phrase hit. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders now though, because at least I got the 'what if?' out of the way. The ball is entirely in your court now, and I know you're not going to even try to dribble, you'll just leave it there. Oh well. I was hoping for an answer, whether it be a 'yes' or 'no.' But this silence clearly says it all. So i've done what I could and i'm going to back off now..for good. It's time for me to start living life and not dweling on whether you're coming back or not. I'm going to a party tonight. This guy that i've been talking to for the last week is going to be there. I have no intentions of hooking up with him or anything, I know he'd just be a rebound considering it's only been a month since our break up. But I guess we'll see what happens. Anyways, I wish you the best in the future and thanks for the last 11 months or so. Goodbye.

 

P.S. I forgot to mention that I had another dream about you. This one was actually more of a nightmare though. All the dreams i've had about you have had to do with us getting back together, but this one..you refused to. You were sinister and rude. I'm taking it as a sign.

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I feel like I want to break NC today and tell you I miss you. But what good would that do? Every day we are apart, I leave your mind a little bit more. A small part of me is holding out hope that you will come back to me.

 

It would have been 10 months together today. Bet you don't even realize. I hope you're having the time of your life right now, I hope you are hooking up with random women and enjoying your life without me. That's what you wanted after all, right? I wish I could stop being so pathetic and sad over this. You really betrayed me, you're not worth it, yet I can't let go.

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I think you do think about me sometimes, don't you? I don't think you love me or want a relationship with me, but I think you do question if you could have told me what you are afraid of. You know deep down that I would have been there for you if you had a secret - but I don't think you will ever be able to confront it. That makes me sad.

 

I miss you, but I'm doing better. It still hurts that you didn't want me (even though a week before it ended you 'wanted me so much') but it is hurting a little less.

 

I still can't bear the thought of finding out you have a girlfriend. Please God when I go to the match in two weeks let me not see you there. And if I do, please do not have a girl with you. I'm not ready to handle that.

 

Night night sv xxx

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It really wasn't ok that you asked to move in with after a year of dating and serious discussions about it and then changed your mind about it a few weeks later. It wasn't ok that you invited me out of the country with your family, dropped the discussion about it a couple of months in advance and then said..'You really weren't invited, ya know.". It wasn't ok that you played golf on my birthday after telling me you wanted to spend the day with me, got me a generic gift card and then asked...'What, was that bad?. It's not ok that you CAN'T STOP talking about your ex-wife b/c she left you for another man, and then you "accidentally" took me into her neighborhood and pointed out to me where she lives and mentioned that you went to see her parents (also where she lives) for Christmas. It's wasn't ok that you took me out of state to meet your entire family and told me that it was only the second time in your 40 years that you had done that, and that you married the first girl. It wasn't ok that you told me how you told everyone you know that I was 'the one'. It wasn't ok that we planned a ski trip, you made the arrangements with your friends and then said you hoped I could make it or at least drive up for the weekend cause you were going with or without me. And it most certainly wasn't ok that you tried to save face by going to MY hairdresser that introduced us and knows EVERYONE I know to tell him how things just aren't going to work out between us before you even told me! JERKFACE!!

 

No, I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to see each other occasionally and be your emotional support! I don't care if you 'miss me' now and may possibly have made a 'long time regretable decision' by not kissing me on friday when we exchanged house keys. You can't dangle yourself in front of me as if I'm going to continue to chase the metaphorical string. My self worth and value are of much more importance to me than that, I just seemed to forget it somewhere along the way. I'm taking ALL of my power back! You're not the 'great catch' you pretended to be; unfortunately for you, I am.

 

Day one of NC....I had to get it all out! PHEW!!

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Well I did it. I went out. It was different. Not good or bad, just different.

 

She loves books and we talked about odd stuff we read and why it affected us. She wrote down my book recommendations. Wow, it felt good but I was suspicious, which in turn made me sad. Not all girls are gonna treat me like you.

 

No kiss but a slight hug when it was over. She said the right thing though, made me laugh as I needed to. She said that when and if she ever meets you she will take out your front teeth, you had no business messing with me according to my pugilist date.

 

I shook my head. Defended you because that's what gentlemen do not because I had other reasons.

 

She paid for the meal and told me the next one was on me and I had better bring a bigger wallet. Didn't know how to take that but it was nice to be treated out. Another date? Maybe. I am too mucked up to think that far ahead and she is way out of my league. Probably has guys lined up and somehow I made the cut.

 

Is she prettier than you? Hells yeah. She is gorgeous and sensual but her charm is knowing how to talk to me. I like that.

 

So I maybe there is something to this dating thing. I'm glad I'm not staring at the walls and wondering about you anymore. I'm so glad.

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I had nothing to say to you, really.

 

Met a guy whom I have disappeared on previously. My dad met this guy and passed his phone number to me to call up and discussed about a laptop that I was supposed to get for my youngest sister.

 

Well, yeah. He said he enjoyed talking to me. I did too.

 

I've never dated anyone from my own race/kind. Not even from the same country.

 

So, I'm recently single again. Got talking again and God, I HATE IT. I hate talking to him. But it's good to have someone to talk to once in a while. You see, talking in my own native language makes me have this headache (as I had to reset thinking language from English to native language) BUT at the same time, Love in English doesn't quite cut it as "love" in my own language. No, not L word or whatever. Just some jokes about English Premier League thingy. Jokes are funnier in my language. Hahahaha.

 

Also, I do realize that if I do really date this guy, he will propose to me. And I might say yes. And I will reproduce. LOL.

 

I am scared of the prospect of settling down with someone who isn't you, to be honest. If I can't get you, I want someone who is close enough like you (preferably into texting and calling, not afraid of falling madly in love). Better version of you, perhaps?

 

I have never gone out with him yet. Do you reckon I should? You were my best friend (for a short 6 months). I wish I could ask you this question and I wish I could hear your opinion about this.

 

I am afraid of falling in love again. Maybe, this is the best for me. I am going to seal up my heart. Close it down forever.

 

I gave up on love.

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