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Really cbzfmoc, well, I just realized what was happening to me, EMOTIONAL ABUSE. I saw behaviors but just didn't put 2 and 2 together until I did a little research. I thought I could just be patient and understand because of the past she endured but I failed to notice how I was slowly separating myself mentally/physically from her. I gave all the love that I had and she knew it but that didn't help. It was only a year together and I'm glad I left now then more years later. It would have been detrimental to my health, well being, and sanity.

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Im just gonna let this out...sorry for bad words;

 

You know what? Fu*k you! Fu*k you and your cowardness!

After 8 years you became something I would never expect, cutting our 8 years due to your desire for something new!

Fu*k you for stringing me along for probably a whole year and keeping it to yourself not letting me know the truth!

I feel like I surrendered myself to a 27y old child that cant even communicate about her insecurities and problems and her fantasy that this kind of relationship problem will take care of itself with time!

 

Yeah, Im in a fu*king rage mode these days! Get to h*ll out of my dreams! Every second night you come in and boost my pain so when I wake up, all I see is blackness of my room and a new gunshot to my mental/emotional tissue!

 

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I am getting over you. This week has been a revelation. I'm thinking of you only fleetingly now. I'm happy on my own and male interest doesn't scare or upset me anywhere near as much as it used to even a few weeks ago. There's a new guy at work I'm getting on with and I think he likes me, I can tell. I'm don't even know if he's single, he hasn't mentioned a partner. He is lovely! But the fact that I'm even thinking this way is a good sign. I'm fiercely faithful and to know that my mind is even thinking romantically about anybody else, however vaguely, is a fantastic thing. Let's see what happens, I'm in no rush to go anywhere.

 

I'm not over you yet. That bond was something else, yeah? If I were to randomly bump into you I know I would be a nervous wreck. But yeah sweetheart, I'm on the right path. Mwah! xx

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I know I am definitely getting over you. I still feel like a fool for how I have behaved these last few months, guess I really was in love with you. Anyway, I am taking control of my life and although my days are wishy washy for the most part I am not sad anymore.

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I don't know what to do with myself. Everyday I secretely hope I will come home and find "something" from you. I try and hide this "hope" from myself! How silly! I know how it feels when you don't want someone, when you run away from them and just want to be left in peace because you've had enough. I know that you don't want my love, it's not "appealing" anymore, too much has happened. I just want to say that I am sorry for how things went. I am truly sorry. I miss you, you are always - one way or another - in my thoughts. Sometimes I catch myself thinking as if we were still together, like what film we could go see or places we could go visit...it's ok, I have learnt to live with these thoughts and they don't hurt that much anymore. Summer will come and the heart will love again.

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Why would you like a page on fb about annoyin ex's I havent spoken to you since I left and my last message was in reply to ur well wishes. You told me no matter what even if we broke up Id never lose you, you would always be there for me but now when I need you most you act like I dont exist, its clear i never meant anything to you, and you go makin dis like that which arent true. I miss you so much but its clear you dont miss me

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I know you looked at my blog today. I installed Google Analytics and you're the only one from that city I know so it must have been you. But why? You haven't bothered getting in touch with me for three weeks, so why are you still checking up on me? I know I've blocked you on Facebook and Twitter so maybe you're too angry to contact me. Who knows. Still, I can't contact you... No. I'm staying with NC. At the end of the day I texted you three times in a row the last time I contacted you and got no reply so the last thing I'm going to do is get in touch with you again. Even if you do text me out of the blue one day, I don't think I could reply back, not while you're with your girlfriend.

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I would most likely just quote some Bob Dylan "I ain't saying you treated me unkind. You could have done me better but I don't mind. You just kind of wasted all my precious time. Don't twice it's allright" Although I still do mind on being lead on for half a year as she told my friends about her doubts but not me...Really? It took you six months to pull the trigger? And you decide to wait until my father almost dies from a heart attack and I buy an engagement ring?

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Two nights gone by and I haven't dreamed of you. I guess that's a good thing, sort of a step in the right direction. I miss you tons. I still wonder if you even think of me or miss me. I mean, how could you not? How can you just erase the last 11.5 months from your memory? It can't be possible. But if you missed me, you would have reached out, right? It's been almost a month and you haven't, so that must mean you're done for good. I'm nothing to you anymore, it's like I never existed. It hurts, but what can I do? I'm the dumper.

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1) You were wrong about the reasons we didn't work. I never believed them even when you said them, because I know you were justifying your behavior - it's easier to say we never would've worked anyway, because there are less regrets when something is futile. But we would've worked if circumstances were a little different. I've pinpointed EXACTLY what went wrong, and I wish you'd just get in touch with me so I could tell you. It makes perfect sense. I know it won't bring anything back, but you need to know.

 

2) I also think you're in a really unhealthy position with this new guy. I know it sounds like me being jealous, but I know you. When we had problems before, you told me that you needed time to figure out who you are when you're single, that you needed more time to heal, and that you need to understand why you do such cruel things to people when you break up with them. So why didn't you do that? What is another relationship going to fix? You're not listening to yourself and you're ignoring your problems. I just want you to take some time and be single, like you said you needed. Heal yourself, then let's talk.

 

3) You're the one who kept saying "life partner". So why couldn't you ACT like a partner when things started going wrong? Communicate like a partner, don't just let it all build up. If everybody just sat on every negative thing until it all built up into one big thing, nobody would ever stay together. You have to let out a little pressure at a time. Why couldn't you do that for me?

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That youtube video is bull$hit! You're not "still in love". You only feel "in love" with me when I'm out of the picture. Furthermore, you have NO IDEA WHAT HURT FEELS LIKE. HURT is what you put me through in June. So, please spare me.

By the way, so glad to know you're still hanging at the bars getting drunk with your mates since that was way more important to you than our relationship.

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I do miss you and I still love you. I guess you will always be in my heart. But, I won't contact you. In time, perhaps, we can be friends. But, you should contact me. I was not perfect; no one is. But I never hurt you. I never stood you up. I never didn't show up. I never dumped you. I never broke your heart. You live in a dream world where you think the "perfect" woman is going to appear, put up with all your crap, and never ask for anything in return. Good luck with that. I did all I knew to do to love you. I love G and miss him too. I wanted to be a positive influence in his life as he enters his teenage years. Oh well, maybe "she" will be. Don't know. I truly hope that one day u look back and regret how you took me for granted. I was too "square" becuase I have morals. Well, you benefitted from that bc every week, while you were gone, I was faithful. I didn't so much as speak to another man in a flirty way, much less do anything else. You felt tied down to a good girl. Well, here's your chance to get a not so good girl. However, when she cheats, goes crazy, acts completely psycho, stays drunk....whatever....don't cry about it. You made your choice.

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Oh yea, I forgot....I am sure when you pull the emotionally cold crap on her or when yall have a disagreement and you don't speak for days on end, not even a fight just a disagreement, I am sure she won't put up with it as long as I did. Not to mention the ever famous "dunno" answer when I ask what you think about us. I am sure she will get "dunno" as well. Won't like it either I bet.

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Do I hate you? No.

 

I don't like who you are, and you are definitely not who you claimed to be. But do I hate you? No. Hating you would require energy you don't deserve from me, and that is all.

 

You'll not get the answer you're looking for. Or any answer, for that matter. This is the closest you will come, should you ever look for it.

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I thought I was making progress because it had been two nights since I dreamed of you, but last night you appeared briefly in my dreams. I guess it's going to be on and off, some nights will be good while others not so much. I'm still missing you like crazy.

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Yesterday was one of my good days but you still "TAKE UP RENT IN MY HEAD" and I don't expect you to vacate the premises any time soon. It's only been 3 weeks of NC. Surprisingly, with your selfish self, you haven't contacted either, thank you, I didn't even have to tell you to leave me alone. I let you go but why am I the one feeling like crap. Don't you realize what I had to put up with? Don't you know why I left?

 

You were in my dream last night. We weren't together, you had a different face. We were passing by and I recognized you, grabbed your hand to say "hi" but I don't remember seeing your face, weird. I hate waking up to you on my mind, always checking my inbox for the "you have stuff to pick up here" or "the goodbye" email. Why am I waiting for that? I guess because it has happened in the past. I dread the day, if ever, you send any of those emails.

 

I was playing one of the songs on the CD that I made for you when we first fell in love. It was your favorite. I thought it was gonna be hard but I managed to listen to the entire song. I almost sent the song to you through text with the title "remembering the good times." I'm glad I didn't. I do miss you but it is not enough for me to crawl back to you. I'm sure you are finding your ways to cope and I'm glad you haven't made any contact with me because it would have been driving me crazy. As time goes on, I'm seeing and realizing more things why we didn't work.

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I'm probably delusional but lately I feel like no matter what we will always find our way back to each other. I think of all the encounters we've had in the last year, especially in the past few months have made me think like that. I never thought you would be in my life this much again. It's crazy, and is probably messing with my head to the point where I'm deluding myself into thinking we are some sort of 'star crossed' pair and we will always find out way together again. I definitely did not expect to ever really talk to you again, let alone hang out with you again, kiss you, be in your arms again, have you tell me you love me again....I wonder if this has done more harm then good.

 

I am never smart when it comes to you....it's a shame.

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