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Nynnja
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Sigh. I ended things with R just now. Feel sad but I need to be alone. I don't want to keep coming back to the same man. 1.5 years.

 

Yes, M. That was longer than any of your relationships post-your-divorce.

 

Definitely longer than 'our' 'relationship'. Ha!

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Hi T. Today has been really rough. I'm scared about the future. I am doing everything I can to get through this and last week had some really good patches, but I feel like I'm backsliding. I'm hormonal too which does not help lol! I've accepted we will never see each other, but I still can't get you out of my head and heart. I'm so confused. I need someone to hug me. I feel like a cold stone and just want to be held and comforted. How did I spend 16 years of adulthood on my own - how did I deal with experiencing no affection? Now I've experienced it, it's killing me not having it.

 

I don't understand any of these thoughts. I'm all over the place. But I'm off to rehearsal tonight, come hell or high water, and I'm going to enjoy it. Singing is great therapy....... my counsellor asked me if I would play her the song I wrote you, which if you remember you thought was amazing (-: Ha! But I only ever got to write two verses and a chorus. She thinks it would be interesting for me to finish writing the song. I've tried but my inspiration is gone. Funny thing is, the part I wrote and played to you suddenly seems to have a different resonance. It was strangely accurate about how I felt and what I feared and also how I saw you as having a 'hidden' life. But now I'm going off on a tangent..........

 

I hope you regret not giving me a chance. How many people would right you such a great song - heartfelt and humorous at the same time. Maybe one day I'll put it on YouTube (-: That's better, at least I'm smiling now. I'm sick of tears!

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For the last few days I have started to feel like a fool.

 

I have chased all your breadcrumbs for the last 4mths, believing your every word, living in hope. But now I realise the hope you were telling me to keep, was merely just an excuse from you, as you wanted me to keep giving you attention.

 

In your heart, you didn't really want me, but you kept telling me I was there.

 

I really feel like an idiot and wished I had just said * * * * you when you dumped me. Now I know why they all say go NC, just a shame I listened with my heart and not my head! Not only did I suffer the broken heart, now I just feel like a complete twit!

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We've been broken up just over a month and your new 'piece' has met your family already. It hurts. You've no idea how much. I miss you so very much. I know when I looked into your eyes last week that you still love me and miss me too. Why have you done this to us? We could have been so happy? I hate what you've done to me.

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I think about u so much still. I wonder what u think about me. If anything. Do u hate me? Do u think on a horrible person? I know u must know for a fact that I'm bot amd I said all that I said because it hurt so so much when u gave up. I tried to support you! I was there for ypu, I always had hope u would come back to me. I don't understand how, from day 1 of the break up u could cut off contact liked that. Ur a liar. Who didn't REALLY love me, who does that to someone they love? When there was still a chance we could have worked things out??? Ur a QUITTER and it will get u nowhere u will end up a lonely old man if u walk out when things r a bit tough!!!

 

I miss you so much still. I see a mini and think its you. i see a van nd think its u. When I'm out in town I think I might vino into u or ull drive past. It males me feel sick and panicky, sad and distressed and desparate. I miss your family

 

Why were u so anal?? So uptight??? So defensive??? U just couldn't let go of your pride!!

 

U didn't want to have a laugh and give me a piggy back in the hotel grounds because there was a few ppl around?? U need to laugh!! And let yourself go!! Not my problem anyway. U were boring really. I couldn't be myself around u. I feared and was anxious avout even saying or doing certain things around u. U,seemed to have no... what's the word.... excitement in you at all!!! Ur gonna be happy aren't you when your in your 50s!!

 

I hope one day you come running back to me so I can tell you where to go!!

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Well, the whole trying to escape you in my dreams thing didn't work out. Because guess what? I had another dream with you in it. It's not surprising anymore, it's kind of predictable. This one was weird though, I can only remember bits and parts of it..the rest is a blur. I remember your brother being in it as well, which is strange because i've never met him. Though, you did talk about him often. Surprisingly, unlike all the other times..I didn't let dreaming about you affect my entire day. I was able to move on from it quickly and not have it linger in my mind. I had a pretty decent day today, didn't think about you as much as I normally do. I think i'm starting to finally accept the fact that it's over for good. I'm no longer holding on to the hope that you may one day decide to finally talk to me. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, oh well..I tried. I know every day from here on out isn't going to be like today, because i'm going to have both highs and lows, but today made me realize that i'm one step closer to being happy once again, without you.

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You lead me on. You used me. You let me support you until finally i was at a breaking point. I said support your self. You said goodbye. I love how you get to back to your mommy. You get to smoke pot now and watch porn and be lazy and still do everything i hoped you would do with me but without me. Your idea of love is false. Love isn't something that changes in 2 days. Love lasts. Love is sitting awake in our bed at 2 am wondering how i could possibly have changed what i did to get you back. I compromised my self, my values, i gave up friends so we would have the healthiest relationship i could muster. I helped you 100% of the way. And you made a snap decision to leave not 2 days after saying you were committed and wanted this. My mom died 2 years ago, my dad is gone and in prison, my little brother is in foster care and my boyfriend used me and left me. I am more alone than i have ever been in my life. I wish i had never met you. You messed me up. To a point that i can't imagine ever trusting someone again. I was a stupid girl. A stupid 21 year old girl. Who is turning 22 in a few days, all alone.

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I still love you and miss you, though I am trying hard to move on. By move on, I mean be reasonably satisfied in and of myself. I am in no hurry to rush out and find someone new. I still have to be alone with my feelings for you and give them their due respect for however long it takes. Letting go of my feelings for you after all this time is proving difficult, and my mind is cruelly teasing me with visions of futures-that-should-have-been-but-weren't.

 

I hope you still think of me. In fact, I hope you're lying awake thinking of me now. I will always wish that we could have found a way to share a vision for the future.

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I really don't understand you. It's turned into a weird game of cat and mouse. You love me but you don't want me, and you can't even be honest about it. I'm not letting you hold me back. By the end of the year I will be on the other side of the world living out the dreams I had before I met you. I love you d but I just can't hang around for you. I hope we will work it out some day and that some day maybe we will be living our lives together, the way it was meant to be. I can't imagine you will ever find another person to love you as deeply and selflessly as I do. If we are meant to be together it will happen and we will fall back into place. Need to move on for now...

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I saw you today, we looked directly at each other while both trying to pretend we wasn't seein each other, I thought I was growing strong... But it turned me I to a wreck, I would of come to say hi but I know that's not what you want. Im so angry this has turned me into a wreck and youve probably forgot you even saw me now, 3 hours later. It is killing me inside as it dawned on me I'll probably never see you again or talk to you again as I'm moving away... Something which when I said id be doing it you fobbed me off saying I said that last year.

 

Well I'm doing it, not directly to be away from you, to be closer to work but it helps knowing I wot ever get a chance to run into you with someone else, as today proves if I saw that it would destroy me! I'm not going far, only 30 mins away but far enough so I won't need to return to here. I want to tell you, I do but I feel it's best if I just disappear... You probably wouldn't care anyway and why should you?!

 

Btw, you looked amazing today, do beautiful!

 

I hope your ok x

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Wow, this thread is still going on, amazing. I think I posted on here 2 years ago. Anyway,

 

I hate waking up with you on my mind. Its been 2 and a half weeks since BU. It was bound to happen, I saw it clearly just refused to accept it. Your emotional abuse was hard to take in. I tried to accept and understand. I gave you all the love I could give to show you that I was there for you but none of was never good enough. You put me down, humiliated and made me feel so little. Why? Because you said you wanted to hurt me and that is the only way you knew how. You apologized after every episode but each time it broke me down inside and distanced me. I fell in love you in the beginning, you were everything I wanted but your true colors came out. I just don't understand, this is not how I wanted things to pan out. I saw a future with you but now all I see is a lot of heartache. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I just couldn't handle the way "you were." PUT DOWNS, NAME CALLING, HUMILIATION, YELLING, SWEARING, YOUR OCD, NO COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS, LACK OF EMPATHY, MOOD SWINGS, ALWAYS WALKING ON EGGSHELLS......I almost texted you because I had a moment, glad I didn't because you would have been satisfied. I had to leave, I just didn't know how. I was scared to be alone but then again, I didn't want to settle. I pray for your soul D....

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I had a really good day today........but tonight I'm thinking of you again and starting to feel that deep sadness wash over me........wondering if you are watching BBC Stargazing Live. I hope if you are, it reminds you of me. I love the stars - they remind me that we are all just tiny specks of dust. They are beautiful and life affirming. I will always love you. I no longer need you to love me. I know I did something special for you and no-one can take that away xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I am a beautiful person, inside and out and you knew it. One day you will see that and that you could have had a lifelong friend, someone who would be there for you.

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Ah.. one month since you told me. Since you TOLD ME that a child was coming and you were sweet talking me during its formation. OMG! How friggin dumb am I?? Pretty dumb but so what - I meant all that I said ..every bit of it.

 

I love you .. and possibly for the rest of my life. However, I love the girl that I knew and she is gone. I will mourn her and then be done. Blah blah.

 

My friends cringed when they heard all that I had to say. I could tell they thought me weak and putty in your hands. I don't care. I had to say it, I won't take your #$#$ into my next relationship.

 

Well... still don't feel any better so I'm gonna go do five miles and maybe I'll find my peace.

 

I love you very much but it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Blllthhhhh!!!

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You just started using 'Facebook Messenger for Android,' which means you have a new cell. While we were together, you had a Nokia. I wonder if you changed your number. A huge part of me wants to find out by hiding my caller ID and then calling you just to see if I get through, but i'm too scared. Scared that I might hear 'this number is not in service.' That would crush me. What can I do though? Being your ex, I can't expect you to give me your new number. It also makes me wonder if you received the two texts that I sent you two and a half weeks ago. Maybe you didn't have any cell then. Maybe you just recently got your Android. Who knows.

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I am starting to realize that I was not as open as you would have liked but I was waiting for some feedback/interest from you to open up. I needed to feel like you genuinely cared and that you wanted to get to know me vs. just having fun and enjoying my company. You never communicated what you wanted until we broke up. I assumed that you wanted things the way they were. I know I should have had a more indepth conversation with you about things but I felt like every time I brought up issues that you kind of were scared to talk about things.

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I miss you a lot, every time we hung out this summer was amazing, and it being the last summer before I graduate and join the working world I know I will never have a better one, it is quite sad. I never told you that I read your notebook one of the last times I was at your apartment, I saw where you wrote "the walkingman I love you so much", I thought it was super sweet. In August neither of us thought there was any way that we wouldn't be together in january. I wonder if you miss me? I took your virginity, surely you have to? You took my breath, I wasn't looking when I stumbled onto you it must have been fate.

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