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Post here instead of contacting your ex!


Nynnja
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I've been sick for the past couple of days -- I get the WHO recommended chronic pain management NSAID for cancer. My friend joked that to combat PITA, I need Vicodin. Like Dr House.

 

Cancer meds are good enough for me, thanks. If you're around, you'd probably be telling me to get weed. Sorry, they only give those to terminal patients. Although, not in my country

 

I am now a mayor of my local clinic. Health is degrading for some reasons. I've been back to the clinic often for the past couple of weeks. The doctor is nice, she's understanding. Gave me ample time to get healthy again.

 

Other than that, I am fine. You know how women says "fine" when it's not fine? When I say it's fine, it means fine. House needs cleaning up to do. Need to find a boyfriend to get that done. To get me compelled into cleaning the house.

 

Mom said she'll send over her maids to do the clean up. Hopefully this weekend.

 

Next week, I'll be back to work. Hopefully I will feel differently about work by then.

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I dreamt about you last night T.

 

I was in Seville at a Christmas market with some friends. Didn't think they had Christmas markets there, but that's dreams for you! I had a canvas bag and found a picture in it of some of your friends from rugby. I recognised them. You weren't in the picture and yet I knew you were there, just out of the shot. Then I found a jacket belonging to you in the same bag. I didn't know how it got there. I wanted to give it back to you but didn't know how. I felt sad in the dream. The jacket reminded me of when it was bucketing down in town and you put your jacket around me to stop me getting wet. You were out of reach in the dream and it was telling me just that - you are OUT OF MY REACH.

 

I have to let you go.

 

I actually wish that nothing romantic had happened between us and that we had just been good friends, like in the beginning. You were so on my wavelength, like no-one I have ever met. Even my longstanding female friends don't really get me like you did. I know it sounds crazy. I'm not trying to sugar-coat it. I just felt like we could talk about anything. I still have your planisphere. You gave it to me a week or two before you said you weren't ready for a relationship and we never got a chance to use it and look at the stars together. That is why I miss your friendship so much, because, not only did we have fun, we shared similar passions.

 

I don't want to dream about you tonight - it sets me back.

 

(((Hugs SV)))

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Ive been thinking about you alot today.. Its only been a day an a half that i went full no contact.. Told you to sort out your issues. I just dont like that your playing the victim, how it hurts you..how you wish it could have worked. If thats so why didnt you even try. I told you what needed to be different, i asked you what do i need to change and you wouldnt answer.. Asked you to stop doing one thing and you couldnt do that and now everything is messed up. But its most likely for the best, hurts that not even two days have gone by and your already out there looking.. I could do that, i could put myself out there to get a reaction from you but as you see im not selfish and ill wait.. But i dont know if im waiting to heal myself or if im just waiting for you to come back.. when i dont know if i really want to be back on that rollar coaster with you.. I wonder how you are, what your doing.. i bet you look beautiful today.. i hope your smiling right now..because no matter what happened or happens between us i still care about you alot.

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"As, in ethics, evil is a consequence of good, so, in fact, out of joy is sorrow born. Either the memory of past bliss is the anguish of to-day, or the agonies which are, have their origin in the ecstasies which might have been."

 

Trying to keep pressing forward. I just found out one of my best friends has a growth on her tumor. She's meeting with an oncologist next week and will have surgery to remove it.

 

Maybe I'm just being a pessimist, but it seems like things keep getting worse.

 

It's not like things with you were perfect. You didn't treat me very well. I know there are better men out there. But if I'm not good enough for you, or any of the other men who have used me and then thrown me away without a second thought, then why would any of those men want me?

 

Maybe I should have left you. Your own friends told you that I was too good for you, that I treated you too well. Your friends and my friends asked why I put up with the things you did. But I didn't think I deserved better. I didn't think I could do any better. "Take what you can get," I subconsciously told myself. "Be happy with what you have." And that's how it's always been. I've always been taught to be happy with what I have. Don't sacrifice something you have for something you might have. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Especially with people. People are special. Once you make a commitment to them, stay. Forever.

 

And you know my past. You know why I am that way, how events in my childhood shaped me into fierce loyalty once you've earned my trust.

 

But once you've broken that trust, you're gone. Forever. That's one thing my mom always said to me. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

I won't be a fool.

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The last days I realised that I really need to let go. I have to convince myself somehow that it's the right thing to do. I worry as to how messed up I may be for not yet realising that we're not right for each other.

This on/off situation.. for 7 years I have felt a connection with you. It's like my heart is tied to you. It's hard to imagine it with someone else.

It feels like it finished too soon. It almost feels like it hasn't finished. Do you really not want me any more? I find this so hard to believe.

I have wanted to do something, maybe e-mail you or call you. Maybe you'd say you don't want anything and that will help me fully move on. And then I thought I'd suggest we go to the movies and by seeing each other a bit we can build on something. But I don't trust myself. Intuitevely I feel that this is a mistake and that we were ok overall. But I worry as to what my idea of OK is.

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Why do you continue to contact me to tell me another reason why your scared it wont work? You know i want this to work.. but its like everytime your lonely you contact me again to get some validation.. push my buttons for a reaction. It has to stop.. i have to stop replying and feeding your ego.. im going to stop.. i cant do this game anymore.. you said you hate drama yet your the one who creates it.. So day 1 of NC again.

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I miss you so much Mr. Bear I still am so hurt you gave up I tried so hard when we got back together to change things but you were just SO uncooperative. Even causing an argument with me because I wanted to take things slow and get to know each other again as to not cause arguements so soon. You obv were not willing or just did not understand at all what needed going to save us. I think you gave up already anyway. I think your feelings changed in the last few months of out RS as you just seemed different

 

When we met up to reconcile I was so happy... I "knew" I could do this, but has so much doubt that you could/wanted to/believed * * * could. Well we could have if u believed we could. Why wad I so wrong to want to take things slow, get to "know each other" again, go on dates? You disc not understand yhat and because I didn't want to go for dinner at your parents that week we got back together, which imo is understandable because we were supposed to do something that day anyway but you were hungover....!!! So much for tryung to make things work out!! However I dint say anything to u about that then you said "oh well I have loads to do today like tidy my room amdv the bathroom and stuff..." u even said u only said that to hurt/annoy me because I didn't want to go to your mums!!! I wanted to be with YOU and chat about us and what we needed to do, look at counselling places and prices.... but no. We did Ho out vut I felt SO awkward... and all u spoke about was your job.... did u mention us??? Hardly.... u had these ideas about what u wanted to change in your career but bot us??? You looked grumpy and unhappy and I was supportive. You don't know thia but I was so upset that day. First you argued with me about dinner then didn't even seem interested in us. Why????????

 

U said that you would happily wake up next to me everyday forever and then u just gave up?? You know your temper is cr*p!!! U didn't make me feel special for ages. U didn't come to the doctors with me once when I needed you there. U changed. And tbh I hate you for that. I hate that I still felt and feel the same andc wanted to make it work so bad. But u DIDN'T. I hope she does the same to you.

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I told you yesterday that I would disappear. I know you think I'm bluffing but I'm not. I think you are making a mistake. I think you are being silly. But how would you know/see that if I continue to stay around and treat you as you are still my boyfriend. You didn't deserve me brining you your family ice cream bars because your throat hurts. I'm willing to give you another chance but as hard as it is, it can't be because of me. I hope you realize what you had. I hope fear doesn't keep you from trying again. But I'm serious, you will not hear from me.

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Did you not see that I loved you? Did you not see that I would be there and do anything for you? I'm so empty inside without you, it's like I can't even get it back. I try to be happy without you but it just is not working. I wish I could be happy, but I can't force myself. Only if there was a way for me to be happy again, I wish I wouldn't suffer with every thought about you. Did you even see how much you made me happy? I guess not.

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One of my friends just got engaged. It's about time, really, but still, I immediately felt hot and flushed when I heard the news, just like when I heard of your engagement. Why can't I just be happy for her? Why can I only think of myself and my own pain? This is pathetic. It's truly pathetic. I disgust myself.

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You disgust me...I would hate you if I didn't love you so much. I hope I can be the stronger person and forgive you one day, but I'll never get back with you; there will NEVER be an "us" EVER again. You have no idea how much hurt you've caused me...but I learned from you; I learned to be a stronger man...I may be writing this in tears, but a few months ago I wouldn't even be able to function. You're so selfish, it's sick. I wish I could just forget about you.

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DAY 1

 

I deactivated my facebook today, I found myself still looking at my ex's page, looking at all the pictures/ happy memories of us. One week post BU.I find myself fighting to set the phone down, to not call or text him. He has completely shut me out, NC me from day 1. Will our path ever cross again? Can we ever be friends? Is this really the end? I find a million questions running through my head. ENA I could really use the support, I feel so lost...when will this feeling go away???

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Went out tonight with my friends. There were a lot of guys who were hitting on me and trying to talk to me, including a married man. It was nice to hear other guys tells me I'm beautiful and put forth effort to talk to me but it doesnt change the fact that I miss you so much. I decided to go NC for real this time. I know you think I can't but I have to. I was such a good girlfriend to you. I never made you mad or upset. I feel like most of our problems were because of you and your insecurities and immaturities. Why can't you be happy with me? Why are you scared to give us another chance? I really love you so much. It is crazy that I love you this much. I know we have only been broken up for a little over a month but I'm scared to death that if I don't contact you, I will never hear from you again. If that is the case, was what we had not real? I know you are scared to show your feelings, but to never speak to me again? To never try again? I think you are making a huge mistake. I hurt every day. I think about you every day. But now its like a game. I HATE this!

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I had a fairly good day yesterday. Did lots of things. Went to bed feeling positive and woke up feeling o.k. I didn't even feel like crying.

 

Now I feel so blue. I miss your company so much, and I hate that I do, because you don't miss me.

 

I'm trying to do the right things but it feels like it's going to take forever to get over you.

 

I also feel so let down. Not just by you, but also by friends and even family (although it pains me to criticise them).

 

It's been 3 weeks since I saw the counsellor because of the xmas/NY break and she is the only one I can really talk to. The gap hasn't helped.

 

I have been there for so many people through the years - really been there. Why, when I really needed support from those people, was it not there?

 

I feel so alone.

 

I know you would feel bad if you knew how alone I feel. So I won't tell you. I'll just write it here.

 

Tomorrow will be better I'm sure.

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I still love you every bit as much as I did when we were together. That hasn't changed, in fact perhaps it has become stronger. I love you and I know I always will. I really really miss being your little lovey. I miss your voice, your hands, your lips, I miss the things we used to do, I miss being cuddled into you and feeling so safe, I miss laughing with you and talking about the future. You're so special.

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I keep thinking about how you kissed that girl. I shouldn't have even asked. You told me you only stayed at her place twice, one time sleeping on the couch and another time in her bed. I guess that is when you kissed her or she kissed you...you didn't really specify. It is so crazy how we had a hard time communicating when we were together but now you are 100% honest to me and make it a point that you are trying to work on that. WHY? Why do you even care to point out that now you are trying to be honest since you couldn't do that in our relationship? I asked you if you liked her and you said you were not trying to date her. But now I can't stop obsessing over it, wondering if you are over there, wondering if yall are having sex.

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I will be seeing you today at work and I am dreading it.

 

When will my anxiety over working with you go away?

Why couldn't you just disappear from my life, like normal people do?

Do you not see after ripping my heart out over and over, how horrible and uncomfortable it is for me to work with you?

 

What hurts the most is that you just don't care about any of it.

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Knowing more information will only just serve to hurt me. I know enough to know I am better off without you. Yet there is still residual anger. It doesn't help that someone I work with reminds me of her... Like I need a visual reminder of the pain that is inside me, when I'm trying to keep it under control when I'm at work.

 

You are one weird, messed up fool. An idiot to yourself. It's sad.

 

I don't want to be sad as well. Not anymore.

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