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Nynnja
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Was having a rough day today, but then something hit me that was completely out of character: to hell with it. Seriously. All of this worry and feeling bad just isn't worth it. A huge weight just has been lifted off my shoulders. Really, it isn't my concern over who your going to be with or what you'll be doing new years eve. Not my scene anyway. Past is the past and the future is unwritten, but for now I'm actually in a pretty good state. Have a fun night

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I feel like throwing something out the window. I just can't get away from it, can I? Maybe I should just give up trying to move on and let myself drown in sorrow. Seeing your first name and then your last name in documents at work... seeing your first name on TV... then my sister's friend posting a picture of her on Facebook...

 

I just want it to stop. I'm trying so hard, and the universe does not seem to be making it any easier. I've deleted your number from my phone, I've blocked both of you on Facebook, I've blocked her blog... But it's everywhere. Everything is a reminder of you and of her and of everything.

 

It isn't fair. First you leave me, then you get back together with her, then you get engaged to her, and now the whole world seems intent on constantly bombarding me with reminders of my misery. I hate this so much.

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I'm lying in bed sobbing like a baby as I think about you, my chest is so very tight and my pain imeasurable, I'm so sad without J, I even found myself Googling euthanasia and suicide earlier, I so want this to end.

You will never know how much you affected and continue to affect my life darling, its been a year now and I just can't get past you, I said it when you left me and I stand by it now "you're my soulmate".

I just want to go to sleep now and wake with you beside me telling me I was dreaming but obviously that's not going to happen.

 

I live you J and I'm struggling to live without you, I've never wished for anything but tonight I'm hoping ill never wake again.

 

I'm broken

Steve

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This is worse than Christmas somehow. At least Christmas had some kind of specialness to it in terms of family, traditions, cosiness. Now the other side seems desolate. And New Year... New Year just reminds me of last new year and that's painful. She's around, you'll have a better one this year. Although, I hear she's not as into you as you are into her, it doesn't help. It still makes me feel sick to be so far away, and not have a plan. I feel so boring, dull, why would anyone want to be in my company? Yes, I am feeling pitiful. I just can't fathom any of it. I messed up in some ways, but no major crimes and it doesn't excuse your behaviour. It doesn't make sense that you could say such horrible things when I questionned you. I know you met up behind my back, I don't know if anything 'happened', but you deny it all. And no tenderness toward me at all. I feel wretched, and lost and scared of the future. I'm actually scared of next year.

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When I found out you wanted to really text me yesterday it made me feel better that you are probably going through the same thing. Either that or your PRECIOUS whatsherface isn't giving you the attention you want. I hope she isn't. You need to deal face your issues.

 

I still miss you though. I don't know why I still have hope that you will change....not like trust would ever come easily again. You may not have cheated on me, but I have a feeling you would have if you had the confidence to face the real world instead of online ego boost flirting. You should have been honest with me instead of making me look like a complete fool.

 

YET I still ponder thoughts on who has the real issues - you or me. I trusted you in person more than I trusted you on the internet. I had reason though. I'm a mess.

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What is going on here? Seriously... (Silly vent. Proceed with caution)

 

A while back, I found out that you created a Facebook account on the day that we met up (after the break-up). I thought, "Ok, that's weird" but I didn't think too much into it. I didn't have a Facebook account at the time so I found out using a relatives account (yeah.. I know). Anyway, a few days ago I realized that you didn't update your account at all until Christmas (which also happens to be my birthday). Coincidently, I created a Facebook account five days before that. The only way you would be able to find out if I had an account was if you checked my brother's Facebook page. And although his settings are private, you can still see who he recently added, and my name is on the list!

 

What I want to know is this: Is this all a coincidence or did you manage to find out that I recently created a Facebook account and that tempted you to update your whole page and put "single?" I just think it's odd because you didn't update a single thing on your page for 3 months! Why do you care all of a sudden? And why did you choose to create a Facebook account and edit it on two significant dates? (The time we met after our break up, and Christmas/my birthday).

 

I'm usually not one to care about these things but I get this feeling that something tempted you to do it. No one holds off on something for three months and just decides one day, "Hey, let me update that!" unless something triggered them to do it. Somehow I get this strange feeling that you want to talk to me. It's not going to happen through Facebook though, that's for sure! You won't be hearing from me, so if you have something to say, you have to get in touch with me first. That's the only way.

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Alright, I need to vent again.

 

I admit, there were a lot of things you did for me. I didn't have a car at the time and you drove me everywhere (Which I'm very thankful for. You really went out of your way and spent a lot of money on gas which I also contributed to). You spent almost all your free time with me. You were always proud of me and let everyone know that I was your girlfriend. You loved holding hands with me in public or putting your arm around my back. You let me meet your main family as well as your extended family and you even let me spend time with you and your friends (I really miss your uncle and your grandmother, btw). When you would take me out on the boat, you always made sure that you put a towel on my seat so that my butt wouldn't get wet (even if you didn't have one). Whenever I needed to vent, you would listen to me even though you didn't know what to say sometimes. Whenever I wanted to do something, 95% you went along with it and didn't mind at all. In so many ways you were an awesome boyfriend. Although you were troublesome, you really went out of your way to show that you cared. I also loved the fact that you loved kissing and hugging me all the time. Your hugs were so full of warmth. Remember when we would lay in bed all day and watch South Park or just snuggle and joke around? You used to go nuts when I would surprise you with a tickle attack. One time I even had you corned and you playfully begged me to stop. Oh man, and remember that time when I asked you if I could put lipstick on you and you said the only way you would do it is if I kissed you with some on? I lathered up my lips with so much lipstick and kissed you all over your face. When you looked in the mirror, you were horrified when you saw all the pink marks but you got over it. Oh, and I appreciate the fact that you made me an omelette for breakfast one day even though you hate cooking.

 

Oh yeah... Remember when you surprised me at work one day? One of our co-workers was showing me how to do something and you came through the door and snuck up behind me. When I turned around and saw you, I said your name out loud in excitement and walked over to you and gave you a big hug. Our co-worker smiled and said, "True love." (Ouch, writing that brought some tears to my eyes). The expression on your face was so pure. You looked like a guy who was really in love. You were so happy.

 

I was nice to you, but in a lot of ways I was also very mean to you. I didn't understand why you had to lie and I didn't understand why you were such a pushover. I spoke to my mom the other day and she told me how she always thought that I was the one who got away with everything in the relationship. I was shocked when she said that. I thought that YOU were the one who got away with everything. But what she said is true. You never actually stopped me from doing anything. If anything, I was the one who ended up trying to stop you. In the beginning, I trusted you so I didn't really have to worry about anything. But when you lied, it really effected me. I forgave you the first time but it never really was the same. In a way, I became more controlling because I didn't know when you'd lie to me again. But you did, and things just got worse after that.

 

No matter what you did for me, I could never accept the lies. For a relationship to work long-term, there must be trust. Sometimes I sit and wonder if you would have been more honest if I was easier on you, but reality smacks me in the face and I realize that you would have continued to lie either way. You took me for granted in that area. You trusted me but you didn't allow me to trust you. It hurts me sometimes knowing that I wasn't able to trust you the way I would have liked to.

 

Maybe one day you will wake up and realize that you need to work on your issues. Maybe one day you will realize that trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you can't realize that, then you should never expect to be with me again.

 

The only reason I'm writing this is because I don't want to deny all the good things you did for me. I just need to accept that good and bad things happened in the relationship and I just need to move on. It didn't work out. This is the last time I write about you in this thread (unless you contact me and I need to vent). Take care.

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i wish you were dead just so i could know it was over. i dont want you running around out there 52 acting like 26 and thinking you got over on ME. i didnt really want to spend time with you after our once in a while booty calls. Something about you just made me sad inside. The sex was convenient and exciting but then i just wanted to get away. Like enjoying the fast food and regretting it.

 

I wish i didnt miss you.

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Please don't ever forget me and what I taught you about kindness, tenderness, happiness and allowing you to be yourself. I know you treasured those things, because you told me so. You told me that 'all these things you say to me are so alien to me'. I know - I felt that too.

 

I still feel you cared about me and that you were scared. Why wouldn't you let me into that last part of you? You let me get closer than anyone had before. I was the same. I guess if you had fallen in love with me you would have realised it by now and you've moved on, so that tells me something. I still think you are afraid of love. This is so hard for me to accept because the pieces don't fit together. I would give anything to think about you every other day right now, because I still think of you every day and I'm tired of you being in my thoughts.

 

This is all so unlike me. I am a different person to the one who started 2011. So much has happened to me. I'm scared.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (this is how much I cared about you)

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I want to get over this without hating you. But it's hard at times. It's scary to see how little we understand each other when conflict strikes. I don't know what you wanted your space for, it seems only other men can understand.

Sometimes I remember our songs and I think we had so much fun, what was the problem. Or I wear a nice top, my boobs look nice and again I wonder..what more could you want. I know I may be arrogant and maybe there is someone right for you out there. I don't know what is for me because our story has gone on for so long that I kinda thought we'd eventually end up together.

 

That night when G died and you were there but wouldn't budge on your need for space...I felt so desperate. How could you still want space considering what I was going through? I know you were happy to be there as a friend but how the hell can I switch to that all of a sudden?

Everyone that knows you and cares for me, say that you will come accross the same issues at a later point in your life. For now I can feel like a crap girlfriend, scared to go close to a man in case I make him unhappy.

 

I think you can't imagine what I may be feeling or thinking because you are too absorbed in yourself and because I can't tell you. I wish I could. I wish I didn't have this pride or this fear. But I hate people pitying me. And I have a feeling you wouldn't offer what I need anyway.

What will you do after this? What are you looking for?

Yet I wonder if I am more messed up than you believing that we were right together in our crazy world.

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A

 

no xmas wishes - I know you didn't make contact for fear that it would give me false hope. Don't worry, I understand. It's good news. Because I really don't want to hear from you. It's ok as it is. I do cry from time to time. I do miss you. I am sad things didn't work out. I wish we had managed to work out our differences. But what's the use now? No point dwelling on what could have been and wasn't. You aren't doing it so why should I? At the end of the day, I would have lost you sooner or later. Only it was sooner rather than later.

 

Please god/fate/whoever, make sure I don't hear about/from him for as long as I have feelings for him (and even after that, you never know).

 

Thanks

 

A

 

.

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I can't understand how u have replaced me. Your a liar. U did not mean anything of what you said when we were together. It mages it worse for me looking your moving/moved on. I feel so much anger towards you now. I want to be such a cow to you. I hope she treats u rubbish. I hope u can last longer than 5 mins in bed for her. I hope u regret loosing me because u wre everything to me. I'm put off love for a long time now. I wish I never met u.

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People don't lie when they say healing goes round in circles.

 

I feel low this evening, like the early days after break up. I feel lost and not sure what to do with myself.

 

As Sinead O'Connor sang:

 

Since you been gone I can do whatever I want

I can see whomever I choose

I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant

But nothing

I said nothing can take away these blues

 

However cheesy that may seem, it's completely true. I'm a free agent and I have until Sunday lunchtime to live my life as I want it, my daughter isn't home, but I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sick of being sat here night after night but the outside world holds little joy too. The harder I try the worse I feel. And it's not as though I'm sat here in self-pity. I just feel lost. And you have somebody new. Somebody "who is the part of your life you thought you would never fill" perhaps - as I was this time last year. Ugh ugh ugh.

 

I'm trying my hardest not to think of you and her together. I stupidly made you the centre of my happiness because you made me feel like no-one ever had before. But I'm paying for that now because you're with some other girl and I'm sat here wondering what the hell happened.

 

I hope this is just a blip day. I just can't get my head around everything. The "fate" and excitement of us getting together yet the obvious strain when we weren't truly happy BUT I loved you. I didn't think when we got together that any of this was going to happen, but I guess no-one does. I thought that I had found someone who could make me happy and I thought I could do the same for you.

 

I miss you horrendously tonight and the thought that I may never speak to you again just creases me up.

 

But I've just had a bath, I am going to get myself ready and think about what I want to do tonight. The world is mine, dark, damp and cold as it is this evening. I do wish I had somebody offering my invites to places but no-one rarely does, yet I'm hardly putting myself out there so I can take half the blame for that!

 

I'm rambling. You're gone now. I will continue to pick up the pieces you left behind.

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Hi Just,

 

Im having a real rough ride due to you at the moment, id love to say after all of this time that you no longer feature in my mind or heart, i cant though, truth be told its the oposite, over this holiday period ive grown to love you more and more again, ive dreant about you more than i have in the last 6 months and ive run over countless moments of ur time together in my mind, its tearing me apart.

I wish you hadnt left me baby and i wish you hadnt done what you did when you did leave me even more, its scarred me for life

 

Good night x

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wow that was deep, very good, NP.

 

Hey North, just wanted to let you know im here hon, thinking about you and hoping that all will get better for you soon

 

Thanks I'm OK, I just don't know what to do with myself tonight. I want to get out of this house but no-one seems to be going anywhere tonight with it being New Year's Eve tomorrow...bah! Most nights I'm OK by myself at home, when my daughter is in bed and whatnot, I can amuse myself but tonight I just want other people to distract me - and no-one seems willing!

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Thanks I'm OK, I just don't know what to do with myself tonight. I want to get out of this house but no-one seems to be going anywhere tonight with it being New Year's Eve tomorrow...bah! Most nights I'm OK by myself at home, when my daughter is in bed and whatnot, I can amuse myself but tonight I just want other people to distract me - and no-one seems willing!

 

Could always go out on your own and people-watch!

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