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Quit treating me like a stalker when you keep stalking me! You've never been dumped. You don't know what it's like. You had a week to start getting over me before you dumped me. And don't say "I stopped seeing you" because that makes it sound callous. You dumped me. And this is hard, and there will be mistakes along the way. DUH.

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I'm fighting. I'm not going to dwell in the past any longer. I'm not going to go over old memories, good and bad, until it makes me cry. I'm not going to imagine conversations that will never happen either. I'm not going to pretend, even for a second, that you won't marry her. This isn't a chick flick. This is real life. I have only the present, and you are not in it. There is no need to think about you or her at all.

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Morning J,

 

It was 1 year since you dumped me a few days ago, I doubt you even knew, I'm getting there slowly, its tough still though and it doesn't help when I dream about you and wake sobbing

I miss you darling, I Sooo wish we were looking forward to this Christmas together, oh hummm.

Merry Christmas J

 

Steve x

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I hope you're happy. I really wish you wouldn't have blocked my phone number... you never went through with this like this before... you always threatened me with leaving so many times over the last 4 years, how did you expect me to think this one was serious at first? I'm still in shock. I bet you have thrown away all the letters and stuff I sent you. You probably never watched the DVD I made of all our pictures together and music videos that were "ours", etc. I know your mom put the roses I sent you in her room because you probably were going to throw them away. They just sat in the box in your room (your brother told me). Every time I go over to your house when your mom calls me for food or something I want to cry. Do you know your mom cries when she sees me? Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know. She cries when I'm leaving and she tells me "don't worry about her, you go find another girl on the internet"... yea it sounds nice and she means well and she gives me a hug and it feels good. But I know you HATE it when she invites me for food even though you're not home at all. UGH I can't believe you did this to me! To us! You know how much I have fears of being abandoned. Yea I need to work on those, I know. But that aside.... you know I have no family. These holidays are KILLING ME!!!

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Hi J. It's been almost three years. I've been with others but they haven't come close. Yes I admit, I hoped I would've heard from you long before now. I hoped I was going to be the one you realized you can't live without. I have recovered for the most part. But I keep picking at this scab every so often and it feels as if you left me yesterday. You have never, ever been hurt by someone this way. You have no idea what this feels like yet you keep doing this to everyone you're with. I'm in shock that my feelings for you are still so strong after these years whenever these feelings get regenerated and brought to the surface like a dormant plague. You are out of school and living your life. Deep down inside, I'm still working on getting on with mine. Don't concern yourself with me, not that you would. I'm still trying to figure out how to turn all of this around and benefit from it because I know there is a way too. I still can't find a reason to hate you for anything other than leaving me. Unfortunately, it's not enough to turn off the memories we shared. I don't wish you well anymore because it's time for me to be much more selfish than I've been. You are a grown woman. You make your own decisions. My wishes won't change anything so it really doesn't matter. God help the next woman who sweeps me off my feet. God help me if I find one. I hope that scab is gone by then and I have nothing to bring you back.

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Dear ex,

 

This will be the last time I write to you on here for a while - I have a lot to say so will try and clear my mind.

 

I'm going to sum up the past 16 weeks - that's how long we've been apart now. 4 months, give or take. And it's been the most horrendous 4 months of my life. It has been like I have been going through a temporary bout of insanity and I've had to use every power in my body to keep a grip.

 

But I have achieved things, not as much as I have liked but it's been a rocky road. I'm am valued and respected in my new job. I have got up every morning and held things together for my little girl. And those few times I saw you since breaking up I held my dignity, smiled and laughed and you were the one that ran away, quite literally, the last two times.

 

Not only that, not only did you run away from our relationship, and then run away when you wanted to see me afterwards, you have already run into the arms of somebody else! When I left you alone and only responded to you when you contacted me. Do you know how hard that has been for me? To hold my head up high and not shatter my already dodgy self-esteem that was broken to pieces when you left and put pretty much all the blame on me for the failure of our relationship? I know you don't owe me anything but damn, it just goes to show you weren't right for me, and how little concern I am to you. That's a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I suppose I knew for a long time when we were still together that you didn't have the depth of feelings towards me that I did for you. You did sometimes say things of the sort. But I thought that was just the way you were, and you said you still wanted to be with me. It wasn't easy to hear but I just thought that in time your head and heart would clear. I was never pushy or clingy with you, but I adored you. Completely. To the very day we broke up I still got butterflies when I held your hand or whenever you touched me.

 

I loved you with the purest part of my heart, completely and genuinely. And then you left, left again and then left as far away as you could possibly go, straight into another serious relationship. I'm still shell-shocked.

 

So many things have hurt me, not only the rejection from you, the person I have loved most in all of my life, but the loss of also my best friend and the person I have also connected with the most in all my life too. You were my best friend, my beautiful best friend and you ran far away. How can I not feel some guilt about that, that I somehow drove you to it?! I know I didn't do anything inherently wrong, we were just mismatched in some ways but all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, so it stings that you're gone, y'know?

 

And as the seas calm, what hurts most of all is that I don't know if and when I'll ever hear from you again. I wouldn't expect it now you're with somebody else. Before we were together though, when we were friends, it wouldn't have mattered whether we were with anyone else, we would have still communicated. And that's gone now, because we fell in love. That seems strangely cruel.

 

So, 4 months later. The peaks and troughs are settling down and I'm feeling calmer. But now I just feel empty, exhausted and pretty low generally. I don't want to go out anywhere. I've become a bit of a hermit!

 

This Christmas will be a fight. New Year too. I was very happy last NYE - we had a great night if you remember. You'll be with your new girlfriend this year so doubt if you will even recall it! But yeah, I had a lot of fun with you sweetheart, years of good memories as both friends and as partners. No regrets despite the pain.

 

I will find my happy place and I will do that alone, I don't know whether you're with somebody new because you're healed already or to mask the pain. No idea. I didn't think you seemed all that good when I last saw you 8 weeks ago and I know you pretty well. But you're a big grown up of 32. Certainly not my concern any more.

 

I can't wish you Merry Christmas, you don't particularly believe in it anyway! But that's not my point. I just can't. But I wish you well.

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You are one screwed up dude in the head, sir. I called it, I knew you would get in touch with the ex you had before we got together. You are now juggling two internet girls in case one doesn't work out..

 

Most people would say block from Facebook, but this is really helping me see what kind of guy you really are. If I am such a heartless b**** than why would I be feeling sorry for you right now? The only thing I regret is texting you when my moods would shift to upset. I don't like you getting the satisfaction. No more of that.

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I hope you start to randomly miss me while you're gone for holiday break, so you start poking and messaging me. Then come back and want me back. So I can tell you every reason why I shouldn't take you back. I want to hear you refute them. Want a head start? Here you go. Take your time:

 

1. You're 15 years younger than me.

2. You'll just dump me again.

3. You refuse to communicate, and expect a relationship to sprout fully-formed from the earth.

4. You played the "scared of you" card, which I'm starting to really doubt.

5. You've never been dumped, so you don't know what it's like, and have no sympathy for me even as you try to remain friends at work.

6. We're too "different," remember? What happened to that?

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its quite silly for me to be back here. but im back in the area for winter break, stupidly readded you to facebook and saw all of the mushy pictures of you and your new girlfriend. its funny how fine i was until i saw you. quite honestly, i am still much more fine than i ever have been but i'd be lying if i told you there wasnt still a place for you buried in my heart nuzzled where you used to have a place. its amazing to me how fast you replace me... just last year we spent new years together, holding each other and crying. feeling like we were each others worlds. because we were. and no one has been in that nook, that place you were in my heart, that puzzle piece, since you. the fact that the position means so little to you is so hurtful. i was in west chester 2 nights ago, and you met up w me.. it makes me wonder, did you meet up with your ex when you were with me without telling me? was i just as meaningless as this girl is? did you make our relationship status private to others? i love how casually you say " i took her to nyc, you know just like i did with you". as if we are on the same level already.. guess we are.. guess some 20 year old college girl is as good as me.. guess i was just someone to you.a placeholder for the next one.. i always thought i was the needy one, the one who couldnt be alone. guess i was wrong. because you are the one settling into someone new.i thought seeing you would help me.. help me realize how i would never date you now. and the truth is, if i met you now, i wouldnt consider you. but somehow seeing you transports me. sends me back to a time when things were good even at my worst. when we were sitting at that table i wanted to reach out and grab your hands and hold them. just like i would have. and for some dumb reason, i felt energy in the air, as if you felt the same thing.. but thats the funny part about people, i can feel amazing, fleeting rich deep emotions, and at that very same instant in time you may feel nothingness. which is probably true, considering how you dont even want to talk to me. how still this stupid 2 mo relationship is more important to you.. im pretty bitter. thats obvious. mostly because of how much i still feel, even ayear later, despite you being the worst boyfriend. because of how passionately i loved you. i would've given anything for us to be okay. and still, you are indifferent, cool, casual, collected. over it. i just dont understand why i cant see you for who you are? a man who no longer cares about me. who no longer cares if he ever saw me again in his entire life

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I am so MAD at you. You led me on and used me. You felt nothing for me. When we met everyone said you were such a nice guy, but you're not. You hurt me so bad and you don't even care. You're a coward because you gave up, and all because it was too hard for you. And you're a liar. Who are you, really? Were you the guy who fell asleep holding my hand and kissed me until my head was spinning and had such fun and laughter with me? Or were you the guy who was cool and dismissive, and never talked about his feelings? That's all I wanted, you know. I held on so long because I wanted, just this once, for someone to tell me that they loved me. Am I so unloveable? You gave me all kinds of hope and then took it all away again. My anger keeps my head up, but when it wears off, all that's left is sadness and emptiness. But what do you care? Oh I know you said you care. But I don't believe you. I wish I could reconcile the two you's that there are, but I can't. I don't know you. I wish you were that man I thought you were... but that man is a coward who gives up just because things are difficult. Me, I never give up. When life throws me a challenge, I kick it in the face. That's why I'll get over this. And you, you will be the one who loses and I am very sorry for you for that. Lastly, Merry Christmas. I miss you.

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Dear ex,

 

You're probably going to spend Christmas Eve with the ex wife and the ex inlaws, like you always do. I've always found it very weird, and I wasn't the only one. Maybe someday you'll realize it's not the right thing to do when you have a girlfriend and a new family, and then you'll be able to be in a healthy relationship. Until then, good luck with your mess.

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hey M- Just wanted to say thank you for telling me u slept with that guy that everybody knows around town as a looser. Im sorry I have a great job as a Fireman and a succesfull side business. Any guy that spends 6 nights at a bar and does blow is probably not a really catch. Maybe thats what you want though. Im made sure your were financially taken care take off then u decided u needed this break. I know we have been texted and you are so apologetic and lovey but screw it. Thanks for doing this right around xmas. It hurts like hell but atleast i was able to return my ring i bought for you. I lost out on our vacation trip bc it was the holiday season, but oh well. I know you feel remorse and our sorry but I will not let u ruin my xmas or my family"s. Babe the grass is not always greener..lol

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