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I woke up early again, and I cried again. This is just getting annoying now. I'm not crying because you're gone, it's because I was sure sometimes whilst we were still together that you weren't really that invested in me or our relationship any longer. The signs weren't overly clear and were mixed in a way, but they were definitely there.

 

I tried both brushing those doubts aside and to be the best person I could be in our relationship. I even tried bringing up things I was unhappy with but you weren't really interested and would walk away. Nothing worked, did it?

 

And I've just remembered something else you said to me when we were breaking up. "It's best to do this now rather than a year or two down the line". I think that says a lot, doesn't it? That hurt actually, although I can see your sense in it too. I wouldn't want to be with someone "just for now" - I feel a bit daft that I was always thinking long-term with you when you couldn't see the same future. And I never brought up our future because a) I didn't want to scare you away and b) I think I knew that you didn't really want to be with me forever anyway.

 

So this break-up is for the best, however much pain I have been through, I do know it is the right thing to have happened. Just because I didn't want it and I was so in love with you doesn't mean we should be together. I need somebody who loves me completely and that, sweetheart, wasn't you.

 

I'm going to have a better day today.I was listening to this song last night and although it is a bit sad (and it almost speaks to me about how I felt when we had our break-up talk in the park that evening) it's also full of gentle hope that I WILL come out smiling.

 

[video=youtube;VR5aYnXwX6g] ]

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We were great friends before the relationship. You said staying up to talk more with me made your day more worth it. That was sweet. You said I was the best girl for you and you couldn't think of one reason why I would be bad for you. Sweet, too. But what happened to the person that I fell in love with, who got his feelings for me off his chest in that hours-long conversation? All the great conversations we had, I've deleted the archives, but I perhaps never will be able to erase them from my mind...

You loved me so much and was afraid of losing me, but why did you begin to be distant, why didn't you care anymore, how the hell did talking with me become a "chore"? When you were hit by depression again, you wanted to die and you pushed me away, I understood why you were doing that and I just couldn't give up on you and leave. I was always there for you when you needed me the most, but how did it happen that me being there only pushed you further away? Till this day, I still can't figure it out.

You wanted to break up. However hard I tried, you decided to leave. Fine, I gave you what you wanted: "ok, it's over." I tried to move on, but just found myself not wanting to letting go, and then I made a terrible mistake by emailing you and letting it all out, which led to another worse mistake - to start it up again with you. You said you felt lonely and "intensely disconnected" without me. However, two weeks, two mere weeks, that was all you could put into the restarted thing? You said the attempt to rekindle things wasn't working. True. It felt nothing like the happiest times we had, but did you truly try to make things work the second time? Well, I apparently expected too much from you. I thought after the time apart you had realized you wanted to be with me and you wouldn't break things so easily. I was wrong. You didn't even allow us enough time to be together. And you obviously "decided" it was over again; I was there like an item for you to decide if you wanted to continue to have or to get rid of. Don't you think a "great girl" deserve to be treated with more respect? Well, I'm not so sure a big decision made in such a short time was a fully reasonable one, but it doesn't matter anymore. I'm too exhausted to be dragged along any longer; I have enough self respect to not allow you to hurt me any more. I told you I wouldn't contact you after the one last time in my final email. I guess I sounded like I was mad and was glad to get rid of you. But really, I feel hurt, and the sad thing is, I can't really blame you for the hurt this time around, as I sorta jumped back into the relationship. I truly regret that, I should've been more cautious. Ah...why the hell did I let that happen...

For now, I think it's really over between us. Though you said "that doesn't mean I hate you," words like "any mail from you will be deleted without reading" were hurtful enough. I may have security and self-esteem issues, but I love myself enough to not contact you anymore, to not come accross as desperate anymore. I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy. I will find a man who will bring happiness not hurt into my life, just as you wish. Hope you won't end up realizing what you had when I was yours. Again, have a good life.

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Missing you. I've been trying to reason with myself, that I only imagine that we have a connection because we haven't spoken in so long. I imagine that when or if we meet I'll wonder why I was so torn up about us to begin with. Maybe the problem is simply that I haven't gotten close enough to anyone yet. I thought the minute that I met people more attractive than you, and more well adjusted than you, that everything was going to be fine. The magic of that wore off so quickly. I consider that a good thing, and I really do get excited about other guys now. But still, I really do feel like I am missing something vital without you. I wish I could make you happy because when I think about some of the things that make you seem so sad they seem so fixable.

 

I'm glad you are moving on to the next step in your life and seeing the world next spring. I think you really will find your way and eventually learn how to form more meaningful relationships with people. I hope you feel loved and liked by people.

 

Anyway--I guess you probably feel the same way about me. It's not that you necessarily love me, you just feel sorry for me and want to help right?

 

Here I am, back at the same place again. You don't deserve an ounce of my sympathy or my well wishes. You're haughty, cold, and raw. You are kind of a douchebag. I know you've tamed your doucheyness to a degree over the time we have been apart but still--you're so douchey. I can't explain it any other way.

 

Perfect people seem so boring now--rather than aspirational. Not to mention, I think I've realized sometimes really good looking guys are incredibly loyal and sweet. I know I shouldn't find that emasculating because that makes me one of those people just looking to get burned. I thought I could ditch you and become perfect but that doesn't make life any less boring. That is not what I mean to say but I'm not able to find the words I need tonight.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that the elixir that draws us to some and not others is a bit more opaque than I thought. I want to stop loving you and I want to stop wishing you weren't such a coward with tunnel vision. You're changing, and so am I but the past is still there and makes me so sad. It's really a sad story. I actually went through something life changing, it's just too much to handle. You're like a ghost that could end up haunting me in the strangest of places. It's like the end of an era--and I just keep living and facing the future and so do you. I feel so sad--especially that my children aren't going to be part of you. They're going to be someone else's children. They will never know you.

 

That's the other thing--it sucked that you didn't even want to be my friend. I know you said that you didn't want to know about my new boyfriends and stuff like that, but it seems really silly considering you broke up with me for someone else.

 

It's actually been really hard losing your friendship. Despite the fact that you think you're too smart and hip to be my friend (I wonder if you feel differently about that now. Things really have changed. I wonder if you know just how much.) anyway despite that, I think we really enjoyed ourselves together. I still wish we could be travel buddies or trying to avoid the term foodie but can't find an decent alternative, although food-ho is in the running.

 

AHHH you tool---you waste of time--you ungrateful, foolish, impatient little troll--I dont need you. Why does this keep happening at least once a week. I'm not your mother--I don't need to train you into something better, and you're an unappreciative, neurotic little beast.

I need to MOVE ON. I can't get all sparkly eyed thinking about how you were once a good friend to me until you got to sleep with me and realized you didn't actually have to commit your undying love to me to do so--yeah seriously--it's like you thought you had to say all that until you realized, hey I can totally back track on that and blame you and still sleep with you--PERFECT. and now you probably realize how amazing and awesome I am but it really is too late.

 

back to square one--I am an idiot, who wasted so much time on an army of douche bags. I seriously discharge all of you from your services--this dead weight is cramping my style. onwards--BUT ITS SO HARD. IT IS A LOT OF WORK. AND ITS A LOT OF WORK. I HAVE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE. And I have to have impervious armor. and I am human--and it's so hard not to love someone--but if I can stop loving my family then I can stop loving you. I just feel so obligated to love you. like you need my love. But you don't don't don't--right? I have to stop loving you---I JUST HAVE TO DO IT. It helps me think clearly, since I stop trying to be your perfect girl, and instead, my best self. I am pretty much free of your influence in that regard. I still freaking want to cuddle you and make you smile. I want to put the past behind us and move forward together. BUT my real self doesn't want that. I want something much better than that. You're just not NICE> you are not nice. I don't do not nice. I only do nice from now on--and what a world of pain I've put behind me.

 

That's right. You're not nice. You play dirty and you make people around you miserable if you get too close to them. NO NO NO I don't want that. Ciao

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Something I've come to the conclusion about regarding blocking someone on Facebook- it can only help you if you help yourself. If you go looking for something, even with the person blocked your mind will still screw you up. Case and point. I know you are still friends with our mutual friend. The whole reason I blocked you was because you would constantly like her status updates, pictures she posted, what ever! And comment on her stuff- I do have a hunch you two went on a date not long ago, or that there is some sorta something there, be it a crush you have on her, or a mutual attraction- SOMETHING. Part of me even feels like she may be the reason why you treated me differently and more coldly after Halloween.....but anyway. I KNEW you two have interaction on Facebook. Which is why I blocked you finally, and took her off my newsfeed- though I did not delete here. So what does dummy over here do? I look at her page from time to time. And I see she will have a certain number on 'likes' on a status- say 5, and I view who has liked it....and if I see only 4 people I KNOW you have liked it. It's counter productive and defeats the purpose of me blocking you and unsubscribing to her! WTH!

 

Today I see her status that she was watching a movie last time with some of her friends and I see she is basically having a conversation in her comments with herself- obviously you were commenting. Lovely. And the gist of it I got from her replies about telling you about the movie she was watching, and that she wanted to see the sequel, and that you have it or something like that and by her 'Cool! lets watch!' Seems like you asked her to watch it with you. UGH! I set myself up for this! This is some stalker status stuff!! Good job Robin! I have learned that blocking someone is only as useful as you let it be! And don't go looking for something- ignorance is BLISS! NOT SMART!

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UGH. We were getting along so well, and then I had to ask you to keep me apprised of your dating life. That was bad enough. But then a couple days later I had to ask you for your perspective, so I could understand you more, and we went for a walk that night which immediately put you on your guard. I forgot you had bad experiences having break-up chats with abusive boyfriends. And so after THAT, I had to apologize for the whole mess, which I should have just let go.

 

So to recap, I poked my nose into your business, possibly insinuating you're a * * * * * , then reopened old wounds in an environment that made you feel unsafe, possibly making you feel bad for accusing me of being a psycho stalker. And then I became wishy-washy over the whole thing.

 

And now we're barely speaking to each other. And no contact all weekend.

 

AND I had to tell you about me healing myself, and the point of having no contact, and...ugh! We were so into each other, as friends, and it seemed like we might even reconcile with time! What was I thinking?! Clearly I wasn't. I want to take that whole week back. But I can't. I guess that blows the chance for hanging out over the holidays, like we planned....

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Dear ex

 

I've been talking with your daughter last night and this afternoon. You know, the "innocent little girl" who conviced you to break up with me? Well she admitted she fooled you with crocodile tears a couple of days ago so she can get back her phone and computer. I believe you had every reason to ground her (she also told me about her bad results in school), but in the end you're still very weak when it comes to your kids. These poor creatures have no boundaries and won't let any woman enter your life --- but as long as you agree to this slavery, you sentence yourself to loneliness and unhappiness. One day they will be adults and leave you, and you'll realize what a mess you participated in creating.

 

I feel sorry for you.

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Blimy today was hard! Went to G with a friend and EVERYTHING there reminded me of when we were there last - it was around this time last year.

Even as I left the flat, I could not help thinking of when we would drive up to your family house. And in the supermarket today 2 women asked me for directions, I recognised they are from your home country, and I couldn't help saying: oh you are from X! I have family there! Why did I say that? I have no family there! I had you and you are gone! It feels like I am getting worse by the day but I have accepted that I will feel like this for at least a year or so...no chance I can avoid the pain, it's just how it is now. It does not mean my life is miserable, just that I am human and if you don't feel like this, well, what can I do. I could say that your feelings are shallow and you are not a nice person but the truth is, you checked out a long time ago, you may miss me but you feel you are better off without me. As you said, for you it's easier this time. It may be even be that you want to hear from me but feel it would give me false hope, etc. And thank god you are NOT reaching out, it would kill me. I am ok, I will be ok, and what you think, do or will think, do in the future it will not matter once I come out the other side of this. I have been there before, this time I want to do it all by myself, no shortcuts, no rebounds, no hoping to get you back. I am a grown up now. I did all the pleading, begging, showing up at your house, etc in the first month. You must think I am a fool. You said that I am better than this. How I hate that you said that. So patronising, as if my aspiration in life is to beg people. But hey, I did what I had to do, I tried. Now I know I have done all that I could. That's why I have no problem sticking to NC now. The problem is that I am constantly crying and it doesn't get better. But the nice people here understand and they say it's ok. Crying is good. I'd better drink more water though!

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Can't believe you have the nerve to get mad at ME when youre the one that dumped me. it was rude of you to ask if i will give you the christmas gifts my family have for you. and you..trying to act all nice and flirty in person when you came to get the rest of your stuff a minute ago. not falling for it this time because last time i got my hopes up and then crushed. I am STRONG. I will get through this. I don't need you anymore. you shattered my heart and my family and friends have picked up the pieces.

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It's all think about, its just you. I know its your birthday weekend and i dont know if you even care that i didnt call. Im sure you dont. You seem to perfectly content with your friends, I dont understand this still. Im trying to fathom how to move on and stop caring about you. I know your not good for me, your a vice i cant seem to shake. Im trying hard to think about you but its damn near impossible. I cant believe how much I miss you sometimes, days like this I wish we could just go back to us, but I know that our chapter is done, and a new will begin someday. Im stuck on this last page of us and cant seem to move into something new. I have one more test, I dont know what to do when this week is up, it will a very hard week because all will have is time, maybe i can somehow avoid being along and digging into trying to figure out what your up too. I need to stop looking at your facebook, its just so hard to pretend i dont care. I hate the I love you and i hate that you dont love me, maybe you never really did.

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why? just why why why? what was the point? I don't know what to do. I don't care to wish you a happy christmas. Why should I when you 'gave' me an unhappy, miserable 5 months? Yet if I don't the moment is passed and never returns. You used me. I'm now in the position your ex was in last year - you seemed to care about a card from her then. I bet you don't care about one from me. To wish you a happy christmas now will seem pathetic and crazy to you. And sort of a betrayal to my self-respect. I'm too hurt, still.

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I hate that you're probably spending the holidays with her family instead of mine, that you're taking her to our restaurant, that you're feeding her all the lines you used to feed me.

 

I hate that I'm so forgettable, so replaceable, so entirely insignificant. I hate that I'm not good enough. I hate that I've tried for months and months and months to deal with this pain, but it hasn't helped. I've given up fighting it. I'm just too tired to fake a smile anymore.

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You say one thing, do another. You lap up my affection, and then dissappear.You are only thinking of yourself. I hate that i cant forget about you. I hate that i wont allow myself to let go, even when you treat me like a back up plan. After 8 years together...........and everything you have said in the last 3 months...........i cant believe the way you act. At least i will have the comfort in future to know that I tried, that i never gave up on us. You on the otherhand, will have to deal with the fact it was you who let me walk out of your life. Have fun with that.

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Can all of my friends please stop posting a gazillion wedding and engagement and pre-engagement and whatever photo albums on Facebook? They make me ill.

 

I wonder if you'll put up a series of photos taken with her. You always said you hated all that cheesy wedding stuff, but that was with me. I know things are different with her. She's your princess. She's your dream come true, your fairytale ending, the girl so perfect for you that she didn't even hug you when she picked you up from the airport after three months apart the first time you dated.

 

It makes me want to throw up.

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Dear ex,

 

I hope you're enjoying life without sex. After all, you're the one who chose this path.

 

All the best,

 

Your ex smokin hot girlfriend.

 

(Muhahaha)

 

Oh, that was a good one! Sometimes I feel that way too. I'm pretty high up there in the looks department so I don't think my ex will ever be with someone who is better looking than me. Although looks aren't everything, it helps knowing that I will always win in that department

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Tomorrow it will be 1 month NC.

I feel like I am walking through hell. No more highs and lows, now it's a costant sadness and feeling like crying all the time. And the memories of you EVERYWHERE. Of course I am not going to reach out, what for? But man it's amazing how much it hurts. I am not even fighting the thoughts anymore. I don't have the strength anymore. I go from wishing you were here to hating you. It's not normal. And yet, it's me who's giving you the power to make me suffer so much. And you don't even want this power! I am sure you don't want me to suffer. You just don't want me, full stop! Truth is, the best revenge is living well. The best thing of all would be to stop all thoughts of you. Like you never existed. I must try harder.

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