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Nynnja
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Why didn't i stick to this all those months ago....?!

 

Yes, I miss hearing from you - but the routine we got in was poisonous, and ultimately had to end sometime - and I'm glad its me that cut the cord finally. I know you don't like it, I know you want me around, but I deserve better. You hated that I was your "puppy", jumping at your beck and call, but you were happy for this when you knew there was no romantic commitment. All your efforts else where failed, and i was the first point of call when others dumped you. As much as i still care for you - I care for myself more. My life for the past year has been on hold while I stared blinkered as you fed me crumbs. I didn't even want a relationship with you, but enjoyed your company. So much so that decent girls came and went, and I didn't care.

 

You've done nothing wrong. I'm not at all angry. But I respect myself enough to walk away now, for good....even if you have no respect for me. You want me in all the ways that I don't want you. You need me...but I don't need you.

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You think you're the only one that can't do things that "normal" people do since all this * * * * happened? But thats what happens I guess. You need to only think of yourself and your new relationship. Blaming and hating me means you don't have to face any other feelings you may have for me. You don't have to face the doubt in your decision.

I will let you go in time but no matter how hard I try I can't stop loving you

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I am in so much pain. I just changed over to my old phone cos my new one is broken and there it was. Our life a year ago. Reading those texts and seeing the pictures was like a knife cutting me through my heart. Do you remember how much we loved each other? Even I was surprised at how besotted we were when I read them. It feels like those words have never come from you. Now all I get are cold, lifeless small talk texts...pushing me away from you when one year ago I was your absolute heart and soul. I am so hurt. I can't believe all this. I just want our happiness back. Don't you remember??? How can you be so cold. God what I would give to hold you close to me and smell your skin and hold your beautiful hands I just can't stop crying.

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I can't handle this for much longer. There's nowhere I can go to escape this unhappiness. It never fades. It never lessens. It never goes away. And each new location brings its own set of hardships. Home, for instance. This Christmas, I am home with my family, but all I can think is that you are not here. I don't have anyone to talk to about how frustrated I am about my sister and her various mental illnesses.

 

And the nightmares don't stop. I can't stop picturing you with her. I can control my thoughts when I'm awake, but when I'm asleep, I'm helpless.

 

I miss you so much. 7 months, and it's like it happened yesterday. No, it's worse.

 

How can this be happening? Everyone on here says that first, your ex never comes back. Second, if they do, you'll just break up again anyways. Nothing will have changed. You won't be happy.

 

Why are you the exception to this rule? Why did she come back to you? How is it possible that the two of you are so happy together? Why are you immune to the inevitable second break-up? Aren't you terrified that she'll leave you again? Is she really different this time? Is she loving and caring? Does she put you first?

 

I don't understand, and I can't cope with it all. I just want it to stop. I just want the pain to go away. I just want to fall into a dreamless sleep and never wake up.

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You don't deserve me

You are flying back tonight but I won't check up on you

You are waiting for me to call but I won't

I deleted all your means to contact you

I still care, just don't care enough to reach out to you

You won't get another chance to treat me like dirt because I won't let you

I won't even contact you for Christmas, New Year or your Birthday

I have learned to put myself first and you are no longer my priority

Just because I loved you doesn't mean I would let you mistreat me

Now you can go spend your time and money on yourself

You never loved me anyways

 

Honestly it was hard for the first month because you dragged me through hell

For the last month it's been much easier because now my head is thinking rather than my heart

I see your true colours and you are not someone I want to be with anymore

Makes everyday so much more beautiful now that I can focus on making myself a better person

I thank the Lord every day that I am not living in sin anymore

and I am grateful for my family and friends He sent my way to serve as my support

I am so much happier now. I am at peace.

I love and respect myself so much more for being able to stand on my own two feet

after making a very difficult decision to put my values first and not the things of this world

 

Christmas will be very soon and I feel very much at peace and content without you

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I was too young when I met you. You were my first "real" boyfriend - I hadn't the experience to realise that red flags should've gone up when you mentioned marriage 3 months into the relationship. But I was just 18 and you were 25 - a "real man" - there was no way you could be talking about this stuff if you didn't mean it!

 

So when you cheated on me and slept with that girl in your city, we cried together but I forgave you.

When you decided to go on the ski trip with that one girl you met at a bar and her friend and the friend's boyfriend, I was unhappy but you insisted that you go, without inviting me and even saying no when I asked if I could go, too.

When I was going through tough times in life, I asked you for your support. You said no, you were going out for drinks with your co-workers.

When I asked you to come up to the area I lived in for a couple drinks, you never came. Yet, I ran into you drunk with another girl - someone you'd met for the first time that night after talking to her on the internet for weeks.

 

When I finally broke up with you after a year of emotional abuse of this sort, crying because I didn't want to, you cried too.

But then, after attempting to do NC, you'd send me email messages pleading for sex.

 

Somehow, you managed to make me miss you and feel sorry for my ass for 2 years after that.

But it's been almost 3 years now.

I still think about you every now and then. First love and all that, you know? You miss that guy.

But you helped me finally realise I was over you when you sent me that drunk email saying you missed me. You probably just broke up with another one of your girlfriends and missed me, sure. But reading that didn't make me feel sad at all. Instead, I truly felt sorry for you. Do you really think you can still sway me the way you used to? I have changed so much this year. I grew up a lot. I went a year abroad, I traveled to a dozen different countries, I made great friendships and a great, loving boyfriend. I'm in a happy place now, and my self-esteem that you managed to completely butcher up has returned with great force. I'm a stronger person now. And you? You're still writing up ads on craigslist with photos that I took of you on our dates looking for girls, writing ads in a language you claim to have "mastered" (But you're still crap at it, no offense). You are stuck in a job that has no future and you complained about all the time. In a petty sort of way, this makes me happy. I have grown up a lot, I am almost done with my degree, and I can look forward to a better future.

 

There is one thing I ought to thank you for, however.

It's that you made me more wary of men. You taught me to not trust everyone. I was so young then - trusting everyone without question because I'd led a sheltered life. But you helped me realise that there are truly despicable men out there and when the right warning signs show, I should run away. When a guy abuses me, I should stop seeing that guy. And I have made lots of great friends, flirted a great deal, and gone through more relationships since, and am a better person for it. It came at the cost of learning jealousy - this still bothers me a great deal. But I am trying to learn to deal with it.

 

This Christmas, I won't be wallowing over my phone wondering if I should text you or not. I won't stop by the subway station close to your home like I did 2 years ago, less than a year after our break up, wondering what you're up to. I will be spending it in the company of good friends and food. I have gotten over you now. I am truly in a place in life where I am satisfied. I am happy enough to wish you this: I hope you don't hurt too many more girls out there. Good luck finding that special someone.

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Dear xxx,

 

I may be drunk right now, and I know that I just broke up with you today, but I really am sorry. I am so sorry because I know that you are hurting just as much if not more than me. I feel so bad about what happened between us, and if there was anything I could do to change it, I would. I know for a fact that you are so much better to me than you were last fall. But we just aren't right for each other. Our conversations are very dull and I find myself wanting to spend more time with my friends than with you. There will always be a part of me that will want you back, but I feel like that part is beginning to dwindle significantly. I don't what's it going to like to see you with another guy in the Spring. I don't know if I can handle it.

 

Here's what I do know: I know that if one day down the road, if I see you when we have our own lives, I will smile at you because I'll remember how much I learned from you. I'll always remember you, for the rest of my life. You really do mean a lot to me. And if we are meant to be together, then we will surely be together in the future. I'll always care about you, I'll be seeing you.

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I had the most crippling dream about you last night and it has shaken up my morning. It's been a while since I've dreamed about you, or at least one that I can remember so vividly.

 

It was playing out an alternative version of our last weekend together before we split, the 10k run we did, the visiting friends we did, except in it we were no longer together as we were then. But in the dream you were holding me a lot, holding me tight, saying you would always have feelings for me. It is a confusing brain mash-up of what was, what is now and what I suppose I subconsciously want to be.

 

In the dream your face was so clear, your fantastic face that I haven't seen in the flesh since the end of October. It's really shaken me up - I am doing so much better now but a lot of feelings obviously remain for me. When I no longer thought I was pining, when I no longer had any hope of us being together again, and knowing you're with someone new...why did this dream have to come and shake me up?

 

Urgh.

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I might miss you but I will never let on to that ever again. Not after all the pain you have cause me and all the damage telling you I miss you or still care for you has done to me over the last year. I may always love you, always think of you around this time of year, but I promise you will never know it...

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I keep getting more and more hurt. It's a dead end. You have told me openly that you are not sure we will work and don't even want a girlfriend right now. But you want me in your life, you love me, you want me to be happy and you don't want to let me go. I need to go. I can't stick around feeling that I'm not good enough. I was enough for you one day and now I feel like a toy for you to play around with, to keep you amused for a while and then to be dropped again. Let me move on. Please God help me to move on, help me to gain the strength to get through this.

 

Why wasn't I enough? Don't you remember us and everything we had. I will always love you but for once I need to love me more.

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Dear ....

 

I knew last night there was something hateful and nasty and I find you are on the site, so what was so hateful? Was it aimed at me? Were you laughing at others? ???? You see, I feel certain things when they are happening. I am now afraid of you, afraid of your anger that is stuffed so deep. You are like a wolf in sheeps clothing. I dont feel safe ever talking to you again. All the games and all the BS, so glad its behind me, but I am sad the good times with you are too.

 

how is it you can just walk away without anything? I just cannot believe you wouldnt sit down and honor a 4 year relationship in person, but how could/can I expect you too now that we are done when you wouldnt even do it when we were together? Talk about dysfunctional, and sick??? OMG... the walk outs, the subtle put downs... all too much. I hate you, I hate you so much I cant even express how angry I am at you...

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I went xmas shopping today. I was ok. No weekend blues. This past week week has been difficult though and I cried every night. I do miss you and wish you were here. But what can I do? There is nothing I can do. I didn't choose this. All I can do now is make sure I never see you or hear from you again. All I want for xmas is making sure I won't know about you for at least 3 years. Just to be on the safe side. I really don't want to know how well/unwell you are doing without me. I deserve this at least no?

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Although it is hard to believe I know you are gone for ever. People who knew us, friends and family, started asking me since it's been almost two months after BU, what really happened. Nobody can believe the reason you gave me and how you left out of the sudden. But it's the truth, that you left at least, I don't know about the reason. I wish I knew, I wish you would tell me some time. I know you won't, I know that you disappeared and I will never hear from you again.

The thing you gave me to bring me good luck, I don't want it any more... You were always giving it to me when I had exams or something important to do. You gave it to me that night and you told me to give it back when we'll see each other again. It won't happen and I don't want it around. I am going to send it to you by mail. I think I would include a brief note, too, but I don't know. I am also afraid that there is the possibility to be read by your parents or sister if you won't be at home at that time.

 

I am not the girl you once met. I am a new messed up person that doesn't smile, thinks to leave her studies, takes pills in order to get through this. I am surprised and angry that I am like that, I hope it will change soon.

 

Christmas is in one week. We were about to take that trip, to travel to one of the three possible destinations that we never chose. We were talking about it the night before BU, you told me to renew my passport as soon as possible. I did it a few days ago, I have my new passport but not you around and no place to go. Someone from the past appeared, confessed that he wants us to try again, he never stopped loving me and wants to spend the holidays together. I wish you were that person...

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I'm so sorry for hurting you like I did. I didn't mean to do what I did I was so heartbroken and vulnerable at the time. I love you so much and I can't believe I lost you forever. I wish I could go back in time and change what I've done. I hope in time after all this has past you will realize what I did was a mistake and you will forgive me. If we are meant to be you will forgive me.

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Dear ex

 

Apparently you don't have anybody in your life at the moment. Neither do I. I have tried, but... nope, no spark whatsoever. You're the only one, you're unique, you were the one for me.

 

Tonight I'm going to have a drink, lit a candle and pray for you. May you find the strength to be who you really want to be.

 

I love you with all my heart and I forgive you.

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