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i found some old pics of us today. Made me miss you. I come on here to tell you things like that, bc I know its better to get them out here than ever direct them your way. You'd just say nothing, or even worse, give me some half-heart pity answer to try and placate me. I understand. Its been a long time now, and you're long gone and moved on. I have someone else too. Many, actually. But I hate that I have to tell myself to pretend that they are you, so I wont act like how I really feel - disinterested, and emotionally unavailable.

 

I still miss you.

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i feel like i'm such a spammer lol.

i have good days, when i'm constantly around people, and bad days, mainly night time, when i'm all alone. i don't get much sleep any more, it's hard when all i can think about are the times when you slept in my bed and we used to mess about doing random things on it, play fighting, cuddling, even when i look at my posters and they're all defaced, haha.

i miss you, i'm dreading going to my dads again, him and lynne asking a million questions, even going into the living room, where you used to make me fly. even now when i think about it i cry. we had so many good times, and i threw it away, because of an argument and something that could have been resolved by me just moving back to my house, and a little time out. i hate myself for that, you'll always be the one i let get away,pushed away even, and i'll regret it for the rest of my life, i love you so much, i truly believe you're my soul mate.

i idolize you,i think you're amazing, i wish i could be more like you. but i'm not. i'm weak, dependent, needy , immature, heartless.

this hurts so much, it's not getting easier, i can't move on, i don't want to forget about you, i want to marry you, i want to grow old with you,die with you.

i'm going to get that tattoo, when i'm on my own and working towards being worthy of you. it's the only thing thing that keeps me going, the thought of nuzzling into your hair and having your hairy arms around me. i love you so much. i can't stop crying. our song doesn't help, it makes me feel worse, you won't always love me, i wouldn't love me.

 

i'm so scared of going to uni, you're the only thing keeping me from applying,i don't want to go without you. if there was a tiny chance for us, you know i'd stay. if not, i'm gone. i hate fleetwood, i hate my house, i hate it when i go past that flat on the bus, nothing's the same without you to share it with.i don't even think i can ever go in asda again, as stupid as that sounds. i hurt myself last night, i broke promises and did it, and it felt great.

 

goodnight my love.

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Theirs no such thing as spamming on this thread,this is exactly what its for.

Unfortunately you made a bad decision and you've just got to deal with it as maturely as possible, believe me I didn't find it easy to deal with it maturely but I was forced to and you know yourself that I'm not exactly the mature type. Your weak, needy, dependent, immature because you refuse to take my advice and learn to cope on your own, if you were to do that then it would make you a stronger person. Your relationship with "M" isn't working or helping you believe it or not because your still not over me and it WILL ruin it. Its not getting easier because your just using M to cope with it instead of learning to deal with it yourself, you wont move on doing what your doing.

Don't be getting tattoo's or anything mert you'd only regret it. You might not love you but I do and like I've said a million times before every word in that song is true.

You should go to uni if that's what you want to do mert, I might have persuaded you not to go before but now that I think about it, it was so wrong for me to do that no matter how good my intentions were. Best thing you can do is take note of all these little problems that you have and had in the relationship and then resolve them one by one. That's what I did, I've managed to complete one of my goals and I'm in the middle of completing two more but they will take a lot of time.

You shouldn't do that to yourself mert, I knew you were thinking that. Find something more productive to do to substitute doing that to yourself.

I hope this has helped you a little, I know its difficult. You should try posting a new thread of what your going through and get some advice off people, even if you get stuff that you don't want to hear or it seems harsh, it does help.

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I'm so conflicted, angry, upset and confused.

 

I know things weren't great at the end of our relationship but how could you have moved on this quickly? Did you stick around because you truly thought we had something special and really wanted to make it work? If that's the case then I can't see how you can be with anyone else already. Or, as I suspect, it's because you didn't feel enough for me yet were too much of a wimp to let me know for a long time - because you didn't want to see me cry. The fact you dumped me by email says a lot really, doesn't it?

 

Go on with your life, with the new girl, make her as happy as you used to make me. Whip her world up and then make her feel uncomfortable whenever she shows any emotion. Start off heavy and then back off. Blast your loved up photographs all over the internet to prove that I was rubbish and this new girl is better and you're so so happy now. That's really classy, ex, really classy.

 

I don't know her and a perverse part of me really hopes you treat her well and don't do what you did to me. I hope she cares for you as much as I did. No actually, I don't. It's so soon after being with me that surely you won't be able to help comparing me to her all the time - unless you really are a pit of empty emotions.

 

I thought you were something special, something different. The man I knew would have thought it very disrespectful to be flaunting a new relationship so soon and without even telling me first. I didn't even get that from you. It just goes to show you don't give a damn about me or my feelings. It's selfish behaviour at its worst. You're obviously so wrapped up in your new girl that the person you cast aside, the one with the little girl who you haven't even asked about, ME, is at best at the back of your mind or at worst somewhere inside it but you are indifferent to me.

 

I absolutely despise what you have done. I'm just so confused. I'm sat on the sofa where we first made love 18 months or so ago. It's not "my sofa" any more, it's the sofa where we would kiss, make love, cuddle up, nap, eat, chat. It's still far too soon for me not to have those memories. How can it not be that way for you? If she is sleeping in your bed, where I used to lie, do you not wake up and for a split second think it is me next to you?

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I saw you last night. It was so painful to me, why do I keep running into you with her? It sucks because I can't even tell my best friend how much it tore me up inside because you have taken her over too. Why is it that you spoke to everyone else about our problems except me? How could I even miss you? When you told me you just needed someone to give you love and be on their merry way when you didn't need it. That just means that I wasn't that special to you, you just wanted someone who could fill that void. It hurts because I honestly did love you and I thought if I put up with all your issues and your unkindness you would see how it was hurting me and the relationship. I was so close to having a nervous breakdown and all you could think of was how sad you were. I feel so ruined and afraid to even trust anyone to really love me, I am literally afraid to enter into another relationship. Even after you have left, everything I do still bothers you. So what if I blocked your gf, I'm not harassing her and I'm not harassing you. I'm just making my online life easier. So what if I'm happy being single? Doesn't mean I'm blaming you for anything, but I can't make you want me so I might as well celebrate the life I am living now and make the best of it. There is nothing wrong with being happy to be single, especially when you gave everything to a person who did not know how to give and then turns around to tell you, you loved them more than anyone else but you still weren't enough.

 

I am so angry with myself for wasting any tears on you. Why do I continue to love you and I have been discarded by you? I wish you would stop talking about me behind my back, analyzing things I say and spreading rumors. You have someone in your life who cares about you, why not focus on her and leave me alone? Don't be mad at me because all I did was love the best I can and I have a right to be angry when someone who I thought cared about me, tries to tear me down in my lowest moment, just because they don't want me anymore.

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I feel completely lost today - and you'll no doubt be with her, the new girlfriend. I'm not used to this - I'm not a jealous type at all, but I'm still so connected to you this feels horrible and it was the last thing I was expecting. I have no idea what to do with myself. I've been awake for nearly 12 hours and it's just gone lunchtime. I'm completely shell-shocked.

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I was telling my roommates last night about how you'd always flirt with other girls and brag about it to make me jealous.

 

"Instant grounds for breaking up!" one of my roommates declared. "Why did you put up with that? You don't seem like that kind of girl."

 

Because I loved you, that's why. Because finally there was someone in my life who promised they'd always care about me and would never leave. Because I thought I had finally found someone I could trust, who wouldn't abandon me.

 

Because I thought that if I left, there was no way in hell I could find someone better or even someone else who'd stick by my side.

 

But you didn't stay, did you? You left. I wasn't good enough for you. I couldn't make you happy. Despite all the crap you told me about being soul mates, despite everything we've been through, I mean absolutely nothing to you now.

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I have an email sat in my inbox from you from Wednesday - your last hurrah - saying you can't be in touch with me again (because you have a new girlfriend) when I haven't heard from you in about 5 weeks and you still wanted to be in touch back then.

 

I have a FB message from a male friend who has ran himself ragged round parts of London looking for a specific gift for me, when I didn't ask or want him to.

 

I have another FB message from another male friend who wanted to take me out tonight, but I can't because I'm exhausted from hardly any sleep last night and I really don't want to leave my house.

 

I'm just startled at life! Really startled. Confused. And it's not as though I would take you back ever again. But I still love you. My head is so battered and I know I don't help myself sometimes - I've sat alone in a state of bewildered, angry and upset limbo today. Daylight has come and gone and I've watched it pass me by as I try and come to terms with this. I know it won't be like this forever and I have tried so very hard to get my life back in order and I was doing quite well. But the news of the new girl in your life has knocked me harder than I could ever have imagined. I've never been through this before.

 

I don't even know why I'm talking to you on here. I don't know anything today. I don't know what to do with the next hour, this evening, anything. Nothing seems to be a good idea. Brooding on here probably doesn't help. I still can't watch TV without you to chat to (I haven't watched TV for 3 months, can you believe that!), I can't concentrate on reading. I'm a bit tempted to go out but drinking won't help and I've already turned someone down, and don't want to look bad for going out when I said I wasn't, when he has to make a bus trip over when it's too late now. I just feel lost today.

 

I'm a shell-shocked mess! Look at me! And you're already comfortable enough to date someone new - that should be reason enough for me to stop feeling this way about you. And I know I will get there. It's a combination of it being the weekend (which have still yet to be enjoyable) and the new girl / email thing this week which has hoisted up loads of old emotions, memories and feelings I was trying to get over.

 

I WILL get over you. I WILL. I just wish I knew how and I wish it will be soon.

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How'd that physics exam go?

Oh wait, you probably failed it, cause you don't know anything about physics since you ignored my advice on taking it in high school for the two years we dated.

'I won't have to take it in university, and it isn't a required course to get in.' OOPS. Guess that one came back to bite you in the rear.

There goes your GPA, and with it, your self-confidence, and with that, your belief that you can do well, and with that, your GPA even further.

I think you can see the pattern here.

 

And what will you do now? I was the only one who would put up with your constant self-negativity.

I don't even know if you're still seeing that random guy you just met, but I doubt that he'd be up for listening to you go on and on for hours about how you just can't do well in school.

You probably should've just gone to the local university, instead of spending all that money to come out here only to fail with flying colors.

Would've saved you a lot of time and money, and me a lot of grief.

 

Am I angry? No. Bitter? Yes, I still am.

One day you'll recognize that you can't find anyone better than me, because I was the only person willing to put up with all you did, and still be willing to support you.

But by then, it'll be too late. I'm already gone.

Edited by Scuza
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Hey,

 

I am learning to wake up in the morning and cook for 2. Then, shower and get ready to work. I learned that if I shower, dress up and cook, the clothes smells like.. food. ALL DAY.

 

He said "You're the responsible one now!". LOL. He's happy with food. I like seeing him smile, M. Sometimes, I just want to rub my face against his stubble and say "meow". For some reasons, it's funny in my head and it's actually funny in real life!

 

Have you ever think that the reason I can't move to your country because the health care cost? With what I have, fully government funded healthcare, undergoing clinical trials.. it's daft to go, live there and suffer.

 

I want to fall so madly in love again. Like I did. With you.

 

M,

 

I will find someone who will be the one for me. I promise.

 

I promise.

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Did you realize it's been 1 year 10 months since we last saw each other?

 

Next Valentine's Day, I'd probably in either Mauritius, Maldives or Bali. Probably Bali. Or Phuket. Again.

 

I love Phuket. It's just an awesome vacation spot. I wanted to call you up and tell you alllll about it. Things he and I did. But I didn't even text nor call you.

 

Things I thought you and I would do together. You'd be excited to know if you were there! I'm serioussssss.

 

He took your spot, M.

 

The spot you willingly relinquish.

 

 

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I think about you all the time. Yet, I manage to function. I do things. I can even have ideas that are nothing to do with you. But you are always under my skin, close to the surface. Suddenly, like today, I feel the grief. The sudden realisation of the loss of you, my friend. And I cry and wail for a time. And I have to be alone. Then the worst pain passes, and I resume 'functioning'. Then, not too long after, I remember a specific time or two when you were horribly selfish, and neglected me. When you really did not care about me. When you turned your attention completely to someone else, and got very excited about that. Dropped me and left. Pushed me away with vile behaviour. And I feel confused, sick, betrayed all over again. And the pain of betrayal, the sickening deceit, the lack of respect of 4-5 months - in contrast to a special relationship (to me) of the previous 16 months - jars in my heart and mind. I miss the wondrous you, and I hate what you did. Was it ALL a lie? I feel stupid. And on one hand I think we 'can't' (or 'shouldn't') ever be friends again, and on the other that kills me more than not being your girlfriend again.

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Is it ever going to get any better? Tonight -while I was spending time with the family of my best friend who died in August - someone thought it would be fun to steal my purse. I spent the night at the police station. Thank you very much. Am so sick of this place, am sick of this life, it's just too hard, am sick of pretending everything is going to be alright, that am becoming a better person. Smiling and forgiving and opening up is hard work and on nights like this I just want to scream. I hate you so much.

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Its just one of those nights again, ever since i got this new job and my weekends are less occupied, all have left is to think about you. It's sad that I just sit the whole day thinking and looking at your name on my gmail chat, just see you go from orange to green, makes me feel ok. It makes me feel like you a little around. I know your with your friends having fun and partying. Im sitting at home, and i finally picked up a drink, after so long of not drowning my sorrows with alcohol. I have only myself and Jack daniels tonight. I wish there was a way to get you out of my head, i ran into your brother in law, he told me that you never told them the reasons behind you leaving. I told him and he was taken back. I still cant believe you left because I wasnt tall enough for you. I have never felt so self-conscious about my height, i feel awful. I hate that i still love you like I do even after all the bs you put me through

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I really need you today. I feel like such a terrible person. I feel so alone and unwanted in this world. I wish you could be who I thought you were, someone who would never leave me. I regret the day I decided to move over here with you. It was a terrible mistake and now my whole life is ruined. I'm so sick of this torture...I feel like I'm being punished for being an awful person. I just want to go home to my own bed, in my house where I grew up, where people care about me. I'm so so sad

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I hope you don't live here forever. I hope you either move back to South America or move to her hometown. (Is that why you like her? Because she's from a tiny town, and you can teach her all of the proper ways of doing things and wow her with your aristocratic lifestyle, the eternal teacher? Does she like you because you're an adventure? The sparkle will fade, my dear. You'll get tired of him again.)

 

I hate this world I'm living in, where I am so insignificant, where trying isn't good enough, where pure intentions are punished and selfish acts are rewarded without consequence, where I have to live with the memory of promises you couldn't keep.

 

We always signed our letters to each other "always and forever yours." I meant it. You didn't.

 

It seems to be a guy thing. You men fantasize about a girl, longing for her, but as soon as you get her, you don't want her anymore. She's not special if she isn't unobtainable.

 

I'm certain that's why you're hooked on her. She never satisfies you. She never treats you right or gives you what you want.

 

I used to swear I'd never play games, but now I see that honesty is dull. If you treat people right, they will get bored with you and throw you away. I can't handle that again.

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