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Nynnja
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P.S. I ran into the guy I ALMOST cheated on you with Friday night, he's back in town. Wouldn't you like to know who he is? You know him. You hung out with him. He saw how unhappy I was with you. He was there many of those nights you weren't....Gawd, how I wish I had followed through with my urges then instead of worrying about hurting you. Little did I know then, you would have deserved every second of it. I will give you a hint - he's friends with my old roommates, you played poker with him, oh, and he has the same name as you! HAHA!! He said I looked really good, he looked good too, but he always does. I had a crush on him forever! Timing was never our thing though - he once asked me why I didn't give him a chance before I went out with you, by then it was too late. The reason? It was because I didn't know he was into me, otherwise I would have probably never wasted 5 years of my life with you. Now, of course, he's back in town after living in Montreal for a while, and I'm with a new man again. The new man is worth it this time though! If only I had known you weren't. The funny thing? You're now (or were) sleeping with his little sister's friends!! HAHAHAHA!!! You're so pathetic!!!

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Tonight has not been kind to me. I've been sick all day with a bad sore throat and head ache. I took a nap this afternoon and just curled up in bed. I had the WORST dream! So glad I woke up when I did! I dreamed for some reason you and I became facebook friends again- only it looks eerily similiar to Myspace instead of Facebook which was probably some kind of Freudian slip of the mind since we began out communication on Myspace all those years ago....so anyway I think I friend requested you, and you sent me a message telling me how you were glad I was okay with you, or something and how excited you were about your life and your upcoming 'family' I was like HUH? so I look at your page and your all on there talking about how your gonna be a father! How you were in love and going to have a baby with this girl named Porsha. I was like WHAT? I wanted to DIE! I was so upset! I have no idea who Porsha is...I've never even known anyone in my life what that name so it was SO random! And you had pictures with her (This imaginary girl) and you looked....oddly alike! She had a boy hair cut, and she just didn't look like anyone I would ever imagine you with. Ever. It was SO strange! What really upset me is that fact that you were going to have a baby with her. It KILLED me. We talked about us having babies, you told me you wanted me to be the mother of your children. I remember that time we were laying on your bed and it just came up and you had tears in your eyes. And you put your hand on my stomach and called me 'mommy' it was SO sweet! I think I fell in love with you a little more that day. And he said he would want our baby to have my eyes, and I said I would want it to have his strength...so the thought of you having a baby with anyone else really kills me- even in a dream. What killed me more is that you wanted to wait to have sex. We were in a committed relationship and we waited. You told me you wanted to wait until marriage and I believed you. But it just upset me SO much that this random girl who you were clearly not married to and you obviously had sex and you were having a baby. IDK if you still feel the same way about wanting to wait....I suppose it's not any of my business, but to know you would sleep with someone else would really hurt me....alot. It was a bad bad dream.

 

Then I woke up, all upset about it....went into my kitchen for a little while and was talking to my mom and helping her unload groceries and I see I missed a call....from your mom. FML...she left me another message and an email....she wants me to come visit. LOL I have to laugh! Um HUH? She's like 'You can come here and we can go here....and blah blah blah and you can stay in (her daughters room)' because well yeah I'm not gonna be sleeping in the same room as your son anymore LOL....and I have to really ask myself is this lady SERIOUS? I mean her son lives in the house, she can't be serious right? I understand she misses me and I feel SOOO badly because I do miss her too but...Ugh IDK I haven't called her back because I'm like wth do I say to her and to this?

 

Greeeeaaaatttt day. Not.

Edited by Robin2904
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Not sure why I'm finding myself here again.

 

Not crying anymore is great. Enjoying life again, also great. Being alone--I like my alone time so it's also nice but you are still such a tool!! I guess I'm going to believe my version of events so that I can have some compassion for you since trying to force myself to hate you is too hard on me. I will assume you were so uncooperative about helping me move out because you wanted me to come back to the city so that we could at least hang out. I'll try to give you that since another other explanation basically just points to you being a huge jerk who only does nice things for people when you want something back. I guess that is still true of you anyway. See, that's why I keep going back and forth on things? I want to say you're somewhat of a good person and I know your family situation sucks--such bloodless, joyless, needy people. So I think it's okay to excuse some of your insensitivity since I don't think anyone could survive your family without being at least a little bit screwed up.

 

Maybe it's a combination of factors. You're a bit naturally selfish and insensitive, and part of you wanted me to come back. Doesn't really change anything does it? At least I figured that out.

Well...I don't know. So we both chose--to not give in--you more than me obviously. Calculating little _______, I don't know what kind of person you're really interested in. Poor us. We were both such idiots. Do you know why I don't want to try ever again? The only reason is that I couldn't stand having my heart broken again by you. All your flaws, as terrible as some of them are, I could have been patient with. But I could never be a victim of your lies and infidelity again, ever. You've really opened my eyes to the kind of options I have, and how to be careful in choosing a husband or life partner. I guess that makes sense, if I ever saw you again and you were the kind of person I've always been looking for, then could I forgive you?

 

maybe I've progressed to that point. I always thought it would be even worse if you ended up changing for the better since I couldn't just write you off as another * * * * * * * I'm glad to be rid of. So here's to you not changing! lol I hope you remain disloyal, dishonest, high strung, banal, and surprisingly low energy.

 

That's the big breakthrough of late isn't it? I don't miss the old you!! I never really was that comfortable with the old you. I'm just afraid you've matured and become this wonderful guy--but what are the chances of that right? We'll see it, maybe someday!! Oh wow, I didn't realize I was this over you--I only have to deal with the sexual betrayal because I don't miss you anymore. Soon soon soon--I'll be healed and I won't have the intense regret I used to feel!! yay

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I will never forget you.you are one of the most splendid things happened in my life....i have to choose this path for our own sake....If God will gave me 2nd chance to live...i will still choose you=(....I hope u are happy now....I wanna see you move on and lift yourself above anyone else...Thank you for everything!!!!!!!

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It's been 38 days and you still haunt me in my dreams. I actually had a dream the night before this one where I rejected you after you tried to reconcile with me, but tonight was terrible. There were probably three different dreams where I tried to make you change your mind but nothing I said or did helped, just like during the breakup..

 

Waking up without you is so hard, how I miss you.

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You are so selfish....you're 35 years old with three kids and a wife...you act like a responsibility-less 21 year old....not only did you meet some random 24 year old (me), but you lied to me about your marital situation and than you left your family for me...than you led me to believe it was the best thing to do for your wife because it was a loveless marriage? I was so stupid to believe you...You took advantage of my fragile state of mind and had the audacity to call me damaged goods. Than when things got too real and I wasn't just your little mid life crisis, you up and leave me in the cold...your charm is the only thing you have going for you...other than that you are a worthless excuse for a man. I despise you.

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I thought I was getting better after 3 months and a week after BU, but since I broke my NC second time, to tell you that I worked things through and even though our chat ended on a very friendly terms, my heart have begun to hurt all over again. You are no longer online on gmail chat as you used to be. Why? Are you relieved to know that I am doing seeminigly fine without you? Are you relieved that I would reappear by breaking NC again so not worried about my silence any more? The thing is, I broke NC to let you know I have done what I should have done. Now the ball is in your court and I will no longer contact you again until you reach out. This is NC 12th day, and I will continue to NC as long as it takes.

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I kinda don't even know where to start right now....I have this anxious feeling in my stomach that won't quit

 

With emailing with your mom the LAST thing I expected from all this was to hear from you....but there it was, a text from you. I'm so confused. Your mom called, left me a message. I missed it. Then she emailed me to tell me she called. I knew I was going to have to just get over this soon and talk to her, tell her the truth- that I just can't have any kind of a relationship with her. So I emailed her back a while later and told her I was still up if she wanted to give me a call back....then 20 or so minutes later I get a text...from you. My stomach dropped and I didn't know what to say. It had been 4 months since I heard anything from you. Why is it that every 4 months or so these things happen with us? You texted me, told me you were in your moms email and thought 'now would be a good time to say hi, or even give me a call.' um HUH? Why? I always ask myself WHY after something like this! What the hell do you want from me?!? I didn't know how to reply. I told you yea your mom's been emailing me, and then you asked to call me....and I did the DUMBEST thing ever I said 'sure'....

 

1 hour conversation and I feel like it was the dumbest most pointless conversation ever. It was 95 percent small talk. I still have no idea why you actually wanted to talk to me! And then to hear you talk about your ex...the girl after me. How you two have been 'on and off for months' you said you were done with her this time for real....um OKAY. Why are you telling me this?? I don't really wanna know....like REALLY! I would never tell you about my love life. Damn maybe I should have, even though there is NOT much going on there, but I could have made something up. I know I acted like it was no big deal but it wasn't exactly fun. I just....UGH I don't know! What was the point of this? To catch up? Coulda done it through texts....it was painfully awkward at times, though I am proud of how I handled it. Complete and utter nonchalace! You said some things to me that kinda stuck me. How you realized 'how good I was to you' and how other girls haven't been good to you but how I 'was a good girlfriend'. Gotta admit it was nice to hear from you. I have always told myself you would see this one day, that NO other girl will ever be as good to you as I was. I think your starting to see that- GOOD!! You also told me you think of me at times....I felt like you were really struggling to say things to me when they got deep like that....like you were fighting with yourself on whether you should say it.

 

I have to wonder if you hearing me come off SO nonchalant, you would have thought 'She's so over me....' and maybe censored yourself a bit. IDK I have always felt like you wanted to say more, I could be crazy and deluding myself....but I do feel like you have always held because because of pride and fear. And maybe me acting so nonchalant may have made you decide not to say anything. I'm sorry but I refuse to ever put myself out there again to you like I did last time we spoke. It was the dumbest thing I have ever done and I felt like crap with myself for months....so never again. Part of me feels like- so your done with this girl now and you want to talk to me- am I what a back up plan?? I don't know....I doubt I'll hear anything else from you though. That's what happened last time. You'll probably wind up back with that awful girl. Even you think she's awful, how mean and drama filled she is. Good luck with that...

 

I just....I don't even know. This was the most random thing, I never expected to talk to you. I am still not fully sure WHY you wanted to talk to me. It was such a weird and uncomfortable conversation. And this thing isn't done yet, not until I set things straight with your mom and tell her things are never going to be the same again ever. I am never going to come back up there, because that's what she wants....just NO. I told you I would be up there for Halloween weekend, and I got the feeling like almost, maybe you were going to hint at maybe getting together and going to one of my favorite places, but I cut you off there. Probably for the best. Still when I did mention your mom wanted me to come to the house you didn't say anything like 'No please don't' or anything truly negative, though I wouldn't do that....and I won't take you not saying not to as a sign of you wanted me there.

 

I am just so I don't even know what to do with this whole thing. I'm SO glad I was careful with what I said to your mom in her emails though because you wound up reading them- yikes! Then after we hung up- which by the way was a little awkward to hang up....didn't know how to end things, and feel like they ended kind of abruptly...idk- but then you texted me, seems like you were trying to still keep things friendly. Then you lost me and were saying you hoped I didn't misinterpret things with your ex. Think that you were talking trash about her, or hell that she was talking trash about me. Um dude...I honestly could care less about your ex, or girlfriend or what ever she is. I don't know her, like seriously why do you care what I think of her or what I think YOU think of her??? I really don't...you said you wanted to make sure there was 'peace on every side' What ever that really means. I just said sure.

 

I'm just sitting her SMH....I don't know what to make of this and everything...I don't know at all....

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I am still so bitter about the break up and I don't know why. We only lasted for a month technically, but you were the first to break my heart I guess. I feel like my friends and family think less of me for some reason and I still can't help but feel guilty even though I didn't think we would last anyway. I just feel bad because things did not go my way and I still think about you everyday. Not a minute, possibly a second goes by without me thinking of you. You are a grown man, despite you having a teenage mind, and I know you have moved on. I feel bad because sometimes I didn't think you were good enough and I knew you knew that. I will never connect with anyone the way I did with you. When we were together though, things just did not feel right, but why do I dwell on it? My mom made me feel so guilty.

 

I just felt the need to break it because I was no longer in control. I never thought it would be a big deal if we broke up but it is... although it shouldn't be. I'm sorry I let you down, I know you were going through some rough times. I hate being replaced with someone else, I hope she's good to you and gives you what you deserve. I'm sorry if I hurt you when we were together. I kind of wish you were feeling miserable but at the same time I still care for you. I just care about other people's opinion of me, I think that made things worse for me. I just hate it when other people make decisions for me. I lost someone so important in my life... I don't have a lot of close friends and I feel empty without you. Why am I angry when I'm with you and I felt like I was losing self-respect, but when I'm without you I'm lonely as ever. It's a lose-lose. I always thought it would work for the best... I just don't like the way it turned out.

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On a further note, I think you were being emotionally abusive sometimes and I felt humiliated when I had to please you sexually even though it was my choice, other times you just humiliated me. I couldn't tell if it was your mental illness or your disdain for women. That's the reason why I had hesitations in getting back with you. Why do I still want you after? I think I just want to prolong things because I would seem like I'm working at it and appear like I'm good with my relationships. I'm not all broken and I know I can live without you. There are more people out there who will love me and care for me. I will respect myself and not turn back, I hope you will gain the same self-respect for your own sake. I wanted to be the one to fix your life, but I know I can't handle it. My mother told me to persist, but what the * * * * does she know? She would make me feel bad for giving into doing sexual acts with you, even though I am still a virgin, so you didn't take everything. It might be worse if we get back together, I wish you happiness still for some reason. I would throw insults at you and you would disrespect me too and it just wasn't healthy. I didn't tell my friends apart from 2 and my mother the dirty details. I know a break-up was for the best. We could have improved things, but even then, it just didn't feel right... I'm not sure if I will ever see you again. It sucks this is how I'll remember my "first love", it's like the beginning of a bittersweet road in my life. I still feel the need to say sorry... My God. I feel horrible about being dumped, but I would feel just as bad if I dumped you. I cried so hard, and sometimes I still do. I keep thinking how I could have improved things, but I'm not sure if they would have turned out differently if we did reconcile.

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I need to just go about my life as if this was nothing...as if hearing from you didn't effect me...as if hearing your voice on the other end of my phone after 4 months didn't kill me. I need to just go forward with my day, my week...my life and act like it didn't matter me at all....

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Im just torturing myself, listening to your words. I need to grow some balls and remove you from my life.

 

I have watched you over the years be sweet to others and they shat all over you, then you meet me.... the nice girl, the one who would never do anything wrong and you treated me like crap! For the life of me I just can't figure that out.... I was everything you said you wanted and yet when you got it, you threw it away.

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I appreciate you calling me today and being so generous with your time...I understand that your kids come first and yes, building a relationship with them is important...but what I don't understand is how you've been preparing me to deal with being a step mom to three kids this past year, than all of a sudden leaving me in the cold and telling me that the only relationship you can concentrate on is with your kids. I know I'm not at a maturity level as a 35 year old woman with kids...I'm 25 and lack the the responsibilities you do but that doesn't mean I wasn't willing to try. I appreciate you "giving me permission" to move on with my life but I honestly hope you weren't lying when you said when you are ready for a relationship with someone other than your kids, it would be with me...but than again, hmmm....what was this past year? An appetizer of what could potentially be? I truly was a midlife crisis for you, wasn't I....than s**t got too real? Or what? If you are so set on not being with me than why do you care if I have slept with anyone since you been gone? I wasn't lying when I told you I haven't...If you failed to notice you became my everything...I find it hard to find anyone as remotely attractive as you...every other guy out there seems to lack complete sex appeal in comparison to you. I am going out tonight....I am actually going to do my hair and my make up and dress nice for the fist time since you've left...not for anyone else, but myself.... apparently sweat pants sheek does nothing to boost my mood. I see you haven't lost your charm... "I stole your blanket so I had something to remember you by"?! I think that's bull....you're just greedy and wanted to see what you could get away with when taking things of mine...You've already taken my self esteem, my heart, and my complete sense of self worth...isn't that enough? I can't believe what a better mood I got in today after talking to you..I can't believe I let YOU determine how I'm feeling.... I hate you so much and I can't stop loving you at the same time. You are a selfish, greedy child. I want to forget you ever existed....unfortunately your hold on me is too strong.

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I have watched you over the years be sweet to others and they shat all over you, then you meet me.... the nice girl, the one who would never do anything wrong and you treated me like crap! For the life of me I just can't figure that out.... I was everything you said you wanted and yet when you got it, you threw it away.

 

Yup. People spend a lot of time complaining that everyone is mean to them, but the truth is, they just surround themselves with people who mistreat them.

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Thinking of my first love helps me not feel sad about you. He was and still is infinitely superior. I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. It was unhealthy, but it was also magical.

 

You, on the other hand, were a friend. You were my closest companion. I had never felt so connected to someone else. You kept me grounded. I felt as if I had known you for years. I always enjoyed your company. I always wanted to see you, even if we were just reading next to one another.

 

But by the end, it had become so horrible. The hatred and anger that poured out of you was like poison. It sickened me, and I made the mistake of blaming myself. I let the status of our relationship determine my own self-worth, and once I start down on that spiral of self-loathing, it's so hard to pull me back up.

 

When I thought you had left me to sort your life out, to take care of all those negative emotions and get yourself together, it brought me peace. It was a reason I could comprehend. I could imagine that one day maybe, just maybe, our paths would cross in the future, some day years from now, and we could be together again.

 

But then I learned about her. And I felt used and betrayed. There's no getting back together now, not even in ten or twenty years. Your feelings for me vanished like dust. You have forgotten me entirely. You have cast me aside, a once favorite toy now boring and inadequate.

 

I don't want a "special place in your heart." I wanted a place in your life. I wanted to be by your side even when times were rough, and we knew they would be.

 

Remember the last time you pretended to slide a ring onto my finger, a promise of a ring you would one day buy for me? I didn't reciprocate the action because I knew even then that it was a lie. You were using me as a bandage. You never cared for me at all.

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I wish you knew how much better I'm doing without you. I am improving many things about myself, learning new stuff... And I wouldn't have done that if I was still wasting my time with you.

 

Now that I've fallen out of love, I realize that you are nowhere near as perfect as I thought you were. In fact, I think you are a terrible man, boyfriend, and friend. You always were an immature, dishonest, cheating, lying a**hole. You were never good enough for me and I am starting to feel happy that I didn't move in with you, that our relationship didn't last any longer, and especially that I didn't marry you or had children with you.

 

Even though you cheated on me and caused me this horrible suffering, I know I was the one who benefited most from our relationship. What I learned, what I gained... it's definitely worth it. I am a better, stronger person because of it. You, on the other hand, never seem to learn and will probably keep making the same mistakes with women over and over. I don't think you are going to change. You disrespect, betray, and hurt the women who love and trust you. You are already 30 years old and you f*cked up horrendously with me after I treated you with so much love and respect. I don't know what it was that I ever saw in you. You were good at hiding your true colors.

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I wish you would of chosen me over her after everything we've been through.

 

It's truly amazing how everyone here has their own unique story and situation but at the core we are all experiencing the same thing. What you said is what I'd say to her too: "I wish you would have chosen me over him after everything we've been through."

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Last night was the first night since our BU that I have actually gone to my bed to sleep, and not started off on the sofa. The first night in 5 weeks! And even that triggered memories. As I walked up the stairs I suddenly remembered how much happier I always was going to bed by myself if I had seen you that day. And how I'd snuggle under my duvet and send you a goodnight text - and you'd reply. And the memories of the very few times you ever stayed in my bed - it must have been less than ten times in over a year we were together. And the last time you did was also the last time you told me you loved me... You always said "you liked your own space" and I appreciated that to a certain extent.

 

And not that long ago you finally got around to getting a parking permit so you could leave your car overnight outside my house. I thought - "Aha! Maybe you're ready to start spending more time with me during the week". But you didn't. You never really let me into your world as fully as I did. I could never work out what you wanted. It was always so backward and forward with you.

 

And I'm still dreaming about you most nights - I had 2 separate ones last night although the details are a bit hazy now.

 

I wish you didn't exist, not in a horrible way, I love you, but I can't move on as much as I would like to. I still don't know what lies ahead for us, we still need to swap possessions. We still have many of the same friends.

 

You said when we met 2 weeks ago that your mother had some presents for my daughter - why did you tell me this? I didn't need to know that. Why has your mother bought presents for her? Were you trying to pass on some guilt? YOU'RE the one that threw this away! Are you trying to hang on to me in some way?

 

I'm not contacting you...you can sort out your own guilt or whatever. I'm getting on with things.

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I just don't get it still, even though it's been two months. You've broken NC three times, asked me for advice because I'm your most trusted source, said you miss me. There was no real reason for the BU, other than you thinking I'm not definitely the one but you told me you still love me and I know you've found it really hard too. I just wish you could know that I realise where I needed to change and improve, how to make it exciting again. I miss you so much - I am doing my best to move on but I want to call you and tell you about funny things that have happened, ask your advice, curl up and watch a film, go out dancing with you, take you to that restaurant, be the one to help, guide and love you with all my heart. I wish I could see the light, but I don't want any of that with anyone else right now. I don't need you - I can function and fill my time with fun things without you - but I WANT you. I was happier with you than I am without you.

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I know I can be patient. I can. And I know I am stubborn. I can be the most stubborn person in the world.

 

I have to apply my stubborn will to not calling you. We're not broken up, we're not together. We're nothing to each other. We're spouses who aren't acting within the bounds or our commitment to one another. I don't support you (except silently from a distance every second of every day) and you don't support me. If you do, I sure don't know it. I've been the one to reach out and make contact for the last month. Maybe more. You always seem open and receptive and the conversations are good... we laugh a lot, we share ideas, we discuss our lives, we say "I love you." And yet, we're still sitting 300 miles apart and living disconnected lives. I always feel so good after talking...for a day. And then I crash HARD...and I spend days or weeks crying and trying to pick myself up before I inevitably lose the battle of wills and call you again. And you say you aren't ignoring me, you're giving me my space.

 

You were the one who needed space, remember? Why can't you be honest about things? If I needed so much freaking space, I wouldn't be the one reaching out. I never pressure you. I never ask to discuss the status of our marriage. I never ask if we will reconcile or where you are in your thinking.

 

Perhaps it's time to make my own decision and just move on. You can cope with whatever you like in whatever way you like. I will see you in ten months when we sign the papers. I hope you enjoy that existence.

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I will not text you, I will not text you, I will not text you! OMG I've been having a battle with myself today! I guess because the lines of communication have been opened again- because of you- my mind is SPINNING and thinking of things I could possibly stir up a conversation with. STOP!!! I am almost desperate in a way to talk to you again. I have missed you so much, I admit it. There is a huge part of me that wants you back in my life....but this is a horrible horrible idea. Your just ending things with your ex after me, or so you say, but I honestly don't believe you won't go back to her, I don't even know if you would ever be interested in anything with me again....I am just so UGGGGHHH!!!!

 

DO NOT TEXT!!!

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