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I enjoy reading your posts, you seem like a very honest person who knows her emotions well. You deserve a good relationship and I'm sorry to hear about all you are going through! For your sake I hope he wakes up and realizes what he has...

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I'm sitting here this morning eating a bowl of oatmeal with the fan blowing on me. It's nice this morning, 65 degrees. The kind of weather you liked. Dark, overcast, windy whipping wildly, looks like there's about to be a torrential downpour any second. It's ironic that your favorite weather would reflect your persona. Or maybe it's not.

 

What can I say to you that hasn't already been said? There's nothing, really. Just wanted to say, I am thinking of your storm this morning.

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I dreamed about you last night. What the hell was THAT about?! In the dream, we were together, you proposed, and your brother kept telling me, "You must decide if you want this relationship, or if you're moving on without him."

 

*Reads that last sentence.*

 

Oh sheet, I just realized something: This dream is symbolic. I think somewhere my mind is telling me to genuinely choose if I'm over you or not. I'm picking the latter moving on without you.

Edited by RitaTrue
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Girl I am in the same boat...he is passive....these men don't deserve us they won't fight for us. Where did manly men go and chivalry?

 

I know. When I saw how passive he was, I could feel it was a red flag. He told me up front he preferred being told what to do, instead of telling others what to do. In my STUPID head, I thought, 'Hmm, that's a p*ssy thing to say, but, hey, maybe I can have fun with him because he'll do what I want.' AAAGGHHH! I realize now, that I didnt want a passive man. I wanted an open minded man!

 

Back when we were together, my ex told me--that while we were still openly dating, that if ANOTHER MAN wanted me also, he would've LET him have me, to "keep the peace" between them, I should've shut the door right there!!. In my head, I thought, "That's so UN-MANLY!" But stupid me, I thought that maybe I mis-read him, or that overtime it would get better. People don't change.

But, in our relationship, it was especially bad: Because he was not only passive, but a "peace keeper". He avoids all threats of conflict like the plague. That SOUNDS good doesnt it? It's not. Because with those together, he gets taken advantage of. Which, to this day, baffles me. This man has ABS ON HIS ABS, but he takes it like a punk * * * * * ! I just dont understand.

 

Because of him,passivity sickens me now. Because that part of personality doesnt stop at dating. IT SPREADS TO ALL OTHER AREAS OF THE PERSON'S LIFE. For instance, since my ex is passive, He'll keep quiet when he's taken advantage of. And because he wants to avoid all conflict, he won't try to correct wrongs. If someone harrasses him, which someone has, he'll take it. In fact, with that situation, it wasn't for at least three months, with my support, that he actually got some balls and stood up to the person (but looking back, I realize that I shouldnt HAVE to do this. A REAL MAN will stand up for himself!) Also, when his professor mis-graded him, all he did was complain, but he never discussed it with him. "I know he graded wrong, but he is the teacher, so if he feels I deserve a lower grade, that is what I deserve." He just TAKES it. It's like 'Hey where are your BALLS, Sir! Where is your MAN-NESS?!'

 

 

I need to forgive myself for allowing myself to date this man. I'm clearly not there yet.

Edited by RitaTrue
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why dont you feel this pain im feeling..why dont you care..im trying so hard, you know how much i love you..i know you love me..today i tried to be so strong, i went out walking this morning and met a friend for a drink in the afternoon..all i could think of was you. i saw a guy in the bar who looked like you..my heart broke into a million pieces because i realise that noone in this world is you, and that i will never be with anyone so amazing ever again. i miss you so badly

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10 days NC and today we exchanged an email about unavoidable house related stuff and now here I am, sitting, watching my inbox to see if you send me another one. Also slightly wanting to speak to you now, but I know that it's not a good idea and there's nothing to be gained. I'm pretty mad with myself for doing this, so I'm going to turn off my laptop and move away! I will not cave in and speak to you further.

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I am seriously emotional after you texted me last night. Why the heck do I keep giving into you?! You were on my mind hardcore when I was out having dinner with friends. When I go to this particular restaurant, a flood of memories washes over me and you are everywhere. I was beyond vulnerable when I checked my phone just to find a new message from you asking me if I hate you. What is that?! You already know darn well that I don't, but I guess you know that I would respond to a message like that. Maybe you know me too well, poking away at my soft spots. When I do give in, I get carried away and become weak all over again. The numb turns to hope and temporary happiness. Then you vanish like you never spoke to me and I'm suffering through the dark once again. Never did I ever think any other human being could ever tear me down and hurt me as much as you have. I keep defending you, telling my friends all these excuses to try and make you look good, but no matter what, it's impossible to excuse the things you've done.

 

I have no idea what's going on in that mind of yours towards me. Do you even care? Do you just enjoy the attention you receive from me? Are you desperate for care and affection from anyone...or do you want it from me?

 

I don't know why you are making such an effort to push me further and further away, but you are doing one hell of a job.

Edited by DailyDreamer
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I still kinda have feelings for you, but get this: I might have a teensy crush on somebody else (after a year of torment over you, I finally have some sort of interest in sb else that is not you lol. Wouldn't it be such a effing ego boost for you if you knew? That silly little me took this long to be basically over you??

Anyway, right now it's all complicated cos the guy has alot of baggage too. He got screwed over by his ex as well.

 

I wonder how two ppl with trust issues will fare? How does one get the ball moving when there's fear on his side and also on mine? Might be best to do the friends thing right now aye.

I have this feeling you're going to start blowing up my phone soon again.

 

 

 

Please don't.

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DH.............

Today was one of the HARDEST days yet. I find myself drinking and taking sleeping pills to get through my misery and all my life I've hated people who did that crap...and here I am.

I guess you can say I made the mistake of going to a psychic, that's how desperate I was feeling. Anyway it wasn't good news...this pyschic said all kinds of things they knew from their source and I said nothing. They told me that you don't care about what you did at ALL, you have no regret, no remorse and that you know the relationship is ending and you won't care when you're served with divorce papers they said you feel it can't be helped. And it COULD of been helped you COULD HAVE APOLOGIZED, MAN UP and gotten counseling for your freakin issues!!!!!!!!!!!!! The psychic said yes, you're flirting with other women and needing attention, and it makes me sick.......and the psychic said so many things and I never said ANYTHING to them about anything I merely asked about you so they KNEW and I usually have zero faith in them. But Im soooooooooooooooooooooooooo miserable now and sad. I DO NOT deserve to be treated sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo POORLY!

They told me you knew how caring, loving and affectionate I was and that you LOVED it while you had it but that you are able to forget about everything and just close this chapter of our lives, they said you will NOT contact me at all this month. SAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I am your WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to say HATE because hate is a strong word and I obviously do not hate you, but I am stricken with pain and grief beyond what a human can bear. How can I get treated sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo POORLY..................................................I deserve sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH MORE

I am going crazy, every day I feel SO LOW..............like I am too FAT.................even though I was already thin and I lost more weight cuz I can't eat.............cuz I get sick

I ordered pizza tonight and I was getting SICK trying to choke it down..............I dont feel like eating drinking sleeping or living

How could you hurt me this way

How could you treat me this way

 

I am not saying I am without flaws

There's so many things you realize you SHOULD and COULD have done when you have "no contact" do not think I know I am at fault for some issues

But you broke everything I owned

You promised me and my child a home and you just strangled me in front of my baby

You left bruises on my arms and I had to lie

Every time you hurt me I had to lie to my family and friends

I was so ashamed to take you places (mall, bowling, movies) because all you did was lust over teenage girls and it was HUMILIATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You had NO RESPECT and no common courtesy

I was too ashamed to take you to my familys house and mingle with teenagers because I know you act like a freaking pedaphile and I felt like a low life to be with somebody like you

I read up on the stages of grief

Hopefully my feeelings of anger for the first time are that onion slowly being peeled away layer by layer of hurt so that I can heal, I don't know

All I know is that tonight I almost want you die, i almost want you to go crash into something and end up with a broken leg or something, you DESERVE HORRIBLE things and I know I shouuld say that but YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have NOTHING now

NO HOUSE

NO CAR IN MY NAME

ALL MY FURNITURE I LEFT WITH YOU

YOU DESTROYED my belongings

you would RIP cash into pieces if you got pissed

YOU NEVER KEPT presents i Bought you.......nooks, tvs, dvd players, computers, monitors, wallets, sunglasses, flowers, stuffed animals, pictures, love letters, cards YOU NEVER KEPT THEM you couldn't even keep MY STUFF SAFE you would go thru the fridge and you would DUMP OUT my milk and juice and soda my food....you would THROW AWAY my vitamins.....you'd rampage thru the bathroom you BROKE my flat iron you SNAPPED my makeup IN HALF in freaking half dude....................

Tonight, I feel that I hate you. I hate you so much. I hope karma makes a call on you. I hope to God you get your heart ripped in half. I hope your ego gets hurt. I hope you get rejected. I hope girls tell you you're penis is small and I hope that they tell you you SUCK in bed because YOU DO SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU GET LEFT OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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DH i am also hurt because I lost so much time with you

When I met you I was finally feeling confident in myself.....I was a little hottie in her early 20's......I had SO much confidence......I was SO zealous about life.......I worked out at LA fitness back then all the time (before you made me QUIT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

you made me give up my friends my family my trainer my gym, college..work............................................all so that you could REJECT ME and PUSH me away and NOT cuddle with me and NOT kiss me and NOT have sex with your OWN WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all so you could REJECT me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well screw you tonight. SCREW YOU I hope you die!

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Hey, my life has gotten so much easier now that I know we basically have no chance of getting back together. I wish you could see me in a few months, you'd be so proud of the changes I've made in my life! Maybe you wouldn't care at all though, ugh, I hate thinking about how I'm just making things up in my head about how might react. Anyway, I'm not quite ready to speak to you but I'm getting there, sort of. I know you'll probably be one upping me for the rest of my life. UGH>why can't I just stop thinking of this.

 

Life is getting so much better, if only things hadn't gotten so messed up between us. I have to keep reminding myself that you played a major part in that regardless of how much I might have deserved it. I feel regret still, but I know it's pretty unlikely we can rekindle things on either end. I don't feel the same way about you, obviously. Then I feel stupid for even harboring that thought, because I'm pretty sure you've forgotten about me and probably don't even regard me as an ex, but as an accident or a mistake. Ahhh it's frustrating and my pride hurts as well, and I hate not having your respect and losing as a friend, and having you judge me for so many things that were very painful and largely beyond my control. Whatever, luckily I can't think about this too much anymore otherwise I'd just break apart from all the conflicting emotions.

 

Basically, I'm finally getting over you but it's not what expected. It's more just pushing thoughts of you away and just letting go than feeling a sense of closure and finality. I shouldn't be concerned though, that feeling will probably develop soon and that will be really sad.

 

All the months I spent crying and dreaming about you were for nothing!! WHY did I do that. This is a huge regret I have. Why did I waste so much money and time on the pain, and so much else. It wasn't going to work out, and grieving, as necessary as I have perceived it all to be, seems like such an inconvenience months, well, almost 3/4s of a year later.

 

To myself--Why did you grieve for so long? Why? Why did you (self) punish me? He didn't even care, or suffer, so why did I? Why was I so devastated over something I couldn't control? Why I did hold on to the delusions to get by each day when it was just a fantasy? That's so sad. I cried way too much and felt so bad, I can't even describe it, and when I think about that time I feel really disturbed. Anyway, I should stop thinking about that because it's just not good.

 

So I need to get past the regret at wasting so much time, alone in my sadness...I feel so lame and pathetic. That's kind of good though, that means I'm not pretending that being obsessed with this is healthy. I don't know whatever, I think I've gotten what I wanted to say off my chest.

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Good morning, i know you woke up and are getting ready for work and still you haven't tried to apologize. I hate you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much I can't BELIEVE what you've put me through!!!!!!!!!!!! You obviously are showing your TRUE COLORS. You are EVIL, HATEFUL, SELFISH, a PIG, A WOMANIZER, a LOSER and you NEVER loved or respected me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I don't even know what to do, man.

We've been broken up two weeks almost...and no contact...

the divorce will be served in a few days they said

I haven't even told either of our family;s

I feel sorry for your mom, she LOVED me she tried SO FREAKING HARD to help us...........................she would be SO encouraging

How I wish you would change

How I wish you had a repentant heart instead of a hardened heart

I love and miss you, I am sad and lonely without you

This no contact is sooo HARD but it's worth it because we just fight and you call me horrible things like crazy, psycho and lunatic

Its sad I have no way to reach you now really, I mean i do but I can't let myself anymore

I am so down

I think if I had like a year I can fall out of love with you. and its only on week 2 it's going to take some serious effort and progress. *SIGH(

what i miss is that we stopped doing stuff together, we didn't take the time to spend time with eachother.............we were working too hard to go on bike rides and hikes and shooting and swimming and to the mall and to movies.........

 

Its sad, I could of done some stuff differently, but what can you REALLY DO for a womanizer, ya know??? there is only SO MUCH

and I am WAY too old for you, you're practically a pedaphile

My self esteem has suffered so bad

I am going to get a piercing today. one you made me take out. UNF! take that jerk off........................

I hope you see me at the club someday (even though we didn't even GO to the clubs, I AM GOING TO NOW! because you will anyway! you're a JERK! and you like SKANKS!)

i hope you see me dancing with HOT GUYS and i hope you sweat and feel like a REAL LOSER esp when you see the hotties i can get compared to YOU! you were freaking lucky to even have me

p.s...YOU ARE UGLY

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Saw you at the pub Saturday night. I would have avoided you, but we practically ran right into you. At least you got to meet O. Could you tell by the look in his eyes that he already loves me more than you ever did? That he doesn't give a sh*t about you, because you're not even close to a threat to him. Did you notice how he always lets me walk in front of him, instead of leaving me behind? Did you notice how at ease I am with him? Did you notice how tall and handsome he is? Do you remember telling me that I would never find someone who loved me more than you, someone better than you? It sure wasn't hard! He has you beat in all areas of life - personality, loyalty, looks, career, respect, not to mention "down there" and in bed! You just have the classic case of Small Man Syndrome - think you're all tough, and good looking, etc.....hahaha! You're such a joke! I hope your Dutch man-looking girlfriend breaks your 3-sizes-too-small heart into a million little pieces.

 

Guess what?! I don't even miss you! I sure don't want you back! I just hate you! Yep, HATE. I am sooooooo angry, so so so angry. Remember what you used to say to me?? "If you ever feel like you're gonna cheat on me, just tell me before you do it, so we can be done. Break up with me instead of cheating." Hmmm.....why would you always say that?? Maybe you should have practiced what you preached!! Why didn't you just break up with me before you F****d that girl 4 years ago? (or girls, who knows?!) WHY??? Why would you stay with me for so long if you didn't love me, if you didn't even want me?? If you wanted HER? Because I just laid down as your own personal doormat with a big old "Welcome" sign on me?? I'm not stupid! I know you need to walk all over people and scare them into "respecting" you so you can feel like a bigger man.

 

Being with someone now who really does love and respect me, who knows how to treat a lady, only makes me hate you more, because now I know what it's SUPPOSED to be like. Love isn't supposed to be work, it's not supposed to be living in fear, it's not supposed to be waiting for 6 hours for you to call me back to let me know you won't be home when you're already 5 hours late. It's not supposed to be walking on eggshells, and questioning the other person's love and intentions. It's not supposed to make you feel horrible and worthless. It's so much better than that. It's so much better than you.

 

If you think not paying me the money you owe me will keep me coming back asking for it, you're wrong. I would pay twice that amount of money to make you disappear for good. You don't even deserve to look at my pretty face, you nasty pig.

 

Ta ta for now....

 

PS When are you going to get your own life and move out of my little town? I'm sick of seeing you around. You moved there to be with me, now move the f**k away, you always said you hated it there......

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Dear You,

 

I don't get this. Sometimes i feel like texting you how stupid this all is. We went 8 months without any big major malfunctions.

Everytime your buddy called complaing about his GF you told him to work it out, they clearly had far bigger problems then we ever had so why is that we can't work it out?

I feel like your scared because, we were becoming so serious... I wish you would telll me this though because, I love you so much that i would do anything to make it work.

 

I planned skydiving bought tickets for us to go see a concert planned things for us to do together that we'd both enjoy- but, nope we are too different. we just don't liek doing the same stuff. BS. I was willing to learn new things from you.. it was so exciting (coming from a sheltered life)

 

you helped my gain independence from my mom.. and now you've left me here with her. I just want to get a way.

 

I know i took you for granted I know i was a big pain in the butt at times... I had issues and you seemed to be the only one that got what I was going through.

 

 

I'm so hurt and confused.. my feelings don't come out like I want them too and I guess that's why im choosing not you tell you any of this.

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