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When I confronted you about the online thing...you scoffed at me cussed me out...you said I was a psycho and a lunatic and you told me "do me a favor and lose me forever"

You seriously have NO idea how broken hearted I am

I am not a needy horrible woman at all. I'm a strong indpendent woman. I have a lot going on for me, and I keep myself beautiful and fit because I wanted to please you

Do you have any idea how horrible and rejected I feel that I'd go to VS and buy hot lingerie.. come home and strut my stuff for you and you would laugh at me and say you weren't horny? You wouldn't touch me or say my panties looked cute. I had to beg you to say nice things to me. For 4 years I had to deal with not being looked at by you, not being appreciated by you. Four years of my youth I wasted on you. I started losing hair, I've been sick non stop for a year because of the stress and the abuse you put me through

And this heart is a horrible evil thing....it really is

Because I still love you with all of my heart

But deep inside I know you're a cheating womanizer, and somebody has to step up to the plate and leave. I have to leave before the abuse progresses, I have to leave because you will never change. You will never change, abusers rarely do. You are intelligent, sensitive, charasmatic with an amazing personality and you fooled me. And you will fool other women. And you fooled a lot of people. But you won't fool me anymore. No matter how bad I hurt, I am done with you. No matter how many tears I bawl...I am done with you. No matter how much I get sick to my stomach thinking about how you're prob out with other women right now...........it just crushes my spirit because I gave soooooooooooo much..............................and you lied lied lied......................

What REALLY just is HORRIBLE and CRUSHING to me is that I tried soooooo HARD to play the sexy wife part. I dressed up for you I stayed fit for you and healthy and pretty...I NEVER let myself go.............and NEVER ONCE were you sincerely into me............never once did you desire me for reals..........never once did YOU initiate desiring or pleasing ME! And if I finally got to the point where I demanded being desired, you'd break my things and punch walls

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What's really tragic and sad is that I just would justify staying with you because I thought- well I'm a cool girl and he's a total nerd (which was cute) so I figured you were insecure....because you never wanted me to look hot when we went out and you'd reject me. BUT NOW I see that I WAS THE BIGGEST FOOL! IM A FOOL IM A FOOL IM A DELLUSIONAL LITTLE GIRL im a total IDIOT

YOU NEVER LOVED ME!

You never DESIRED ME

you NEVER wanted to please ME!!!!!!!

you WERE NOT INTO ME!

I just want to know why the heck did you MARRY ME

I am NOT the one that initiated that, YOU ARE

WHY DID YOU want to ruin my life and make me marry you only to abuse me and not desire me???

WHY WHY WHY did you say to my face you are NOT a sexual person only for me to find those conversations that very week?!??!?!?!?! You're a horrible womanizer.............

I mean I'd of rather been with a womanizer who at least had sex with his own wife too...who at least thought I was beautiful ...

but no you NEVER thought I was beautiful, you got with me to ruin my life and use me so you could womanize!

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What makes me the most sad is maybe I'd of forgiven your horrible, unexcusable abusive behaviour but you said to me...good luck and you said to me "lose me forever"

so i knew you wanted that in your heart of hearts'

I knew you were not husband material, and so I filed for divorce and you are going to get served next week

And it breaks my heart

I never felt sorry for myself all those bruises you left on my body and heart, but now I do feel sorry for myself

Why did I fall in love with an abusive jerk?

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I just watched the end of 'The Town'. Stupid fing movie. Seriously not supose to be a tear jerker but just reminded me of you. That stupid friggin city is everywhere I look and this movie was like the official Boston movie. Everything right down to Ben Afflecks stupid accent- sounded just like you When ever i hear a mass accent it stabs me in the heart. I miss how i used to make fun of it and the way ypu would say words. Farm that was our little joke word i would always be like 'faaam?' and you would and your mom would tease me about how I said water. I guess I do talk like a NY girl. Ugh thalot Ben Affleck for this movie now!! And I remember watching that movie with you. The last time we spent together that awful weekend in January.

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What makes me the most sad is maybe I'd of forgiven your horrible, unexcusable abusive behaviour but you said to me...good luck and you said to me "lose me forever"

so i knew you wanted that in your heart of hearts'

I knew you were not husband material, and so I filed for divorce and you are going to get served next week

And it breaks my heart

I never felt sorry for myself all those bruises you left on my body and heart, but now I do feel sorry for myself

Why did I fall in love with an abusive jerk?

 

Brokenhearted - STAY STRONG! I relate to you soooooooo much. I was not married, but I lived with the jerk for 4 years (together for 5 years total)....I finally kicked his sorry butt out 6 months ago. Even though I'm still hurting (because of how he treated me, and how I gave everything I had to make it work, don't ask me why!) the feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry are gone. If that's all I ever get out of this life shattering break up, then it's already worth it....

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Maybe i am back to day one because i find that i'm still missing you after meeting up 2 weeks ago.

Can you believe that we actually slept together and admitted that we both miss each other?!?

As much as I want to get back together, it's better not to because same things will happen. Besides, I cannot stand your friends. I think some are pretentious =|

Also, there's a good reason why we are each other's exes.

Regardless, I still miss you >_

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Brokenhearted - STAY STRONG! I relate to you soooooooo much. I was not married, but I lived with the jerk for 4 years (together for 5 years total)....I finally kicked his sorry butt out 6 months ago. Even though I'm still hurting (because of how he treated me, and how I gave everything I had to make it work, don't ask me why!) the feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry are gone. If that's all I ever get out of this life shattering break up, then it's already worth it....

Hey broken1414 maybe we can chat is there a way to PM on here or exchange email addy's? We sound like we have a lot in common. WOW you're hurting after 6 months how awful. For me it's not even been a week! Ugh I guess I have a LONG journey ahead of me don't I!!

Yeah i gave up everything to make things work too

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DH

Happy birthday because I won't tell you that anymore because you lost me. I love and miss you so much. I am so confused. I just know that even if you thought you were being cute and innocent, yeah it was not husbandly of you at all and you're not willing to ask for forgiveness. You're just a lustful, conceited womanizer and you never took advantage or appreciated the woman in front of you. I am pretty hot, but I am not gonna say you can't find someone equally as hot or even hotter. Hell maybe you will find a super model but one things for sure, your first wife left you, I left you, and the next woman is going to leave you. You do realize you have no kids, now no wife............no girlfriend...

even if you get strippers and call girls they will only take away your loneliness for a lil while.............

I mean if you want to live your life at bars and strip clubs then so be it that's your choice, I am not the one to say if that does or does not make you happy.

But you are cheating yourself out of children one day, little cute kids to call you their daddy and love and respect you. A cute wife to come home to who will rub your feet and make you dinner and make love to you and BE in love with you and not pretending or getting paid to act like she cares...when she doesn't.

you're not that young anymore, yeah we're pretty young but one day you'll be 40 and you won't keep that relationship either and then you will be 50 and then you will have to pay for love for SURE cause not many people hook up that late in life, most already have kids and grandkids and a dream and life they created

Why did you marry me> Why?!

If you weren't ready to give up other women why did you ask, I never asked for you to ask, I am not that girl. I never gave you the ultimatum! I didn't mind dating for years. I am independent and I love having fun. I really don't get it.

 

I can barely function right now. Ya know if you hadn't of done what ya did...and were so cold and unrepentant.........we would of been together right now. You'd of woken up next to a smiling groggy face and I'd of kissed you and stroked ur hair........I'd of prob given you a birthday blow job and we would have showered together and washed eachothers bodies. Then I'd of said lets go to Starbucks and get coffee and protein plates. And we would of gone to buy you some birthday presents..

Later than night we'd of gone to prob see Cowboys and Aliens and we'd laugh and giggle and feed eachother pretzel bites with cheese...and you'd be making fun of me cuz Im a clutz and Id prob drip cheese down my shirt or something...

Later we'd go to OUtback probably and get yummy steaks..............or maybe we'd go home together cozy on the couch watching HELLS KITCHEN or Wipeout and we would make eachother steak and asparagus............

happy Birthday my love. I can nor will I ever be with you again. But I miss you and I love you and I guess Im a little shocked you could let me go/

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I love and miss you baby. I am sorry my ego is so great. I took 4 years of being married to an abusive man, but the womanizing I cannot allow myself to take I have too much self respect. I miss you very much and I probably will not ever re marry again. I'm not bitter, I can't let this make me bitter. And I forgive you. But you always told me you were a moral ethical man and that even if you didn't go to church, you had standards and you swore to God you were pretty much a Christian even though we weren't "religious" we were living pretty moral lifestyles and into each other very much. I used to feel like maybe you could hurt me but I told myself no, no you were too good I had to trust you I had to believe you I had to have faith when you promised me every day of your faithfulness. Am I surprised you hurt me this way? Honestly I am not, because if you could strangle your own wife that God entrusted you with when you asked her to marry you, then I guess I saw your true character right there. But I wanted to give you the benefit of a doubt. I wanted to believe.

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I love and miss you tonight but I will not contact you and I hope you don't contact me either.

I got sick tonight thinking that maybe you will find some smoking hot gorgeous woman and fall in love. It made me sooooo heart broken imaging you two together. Maybe some younger girl more your type. But then I started to tell myself- if I love you- and I do- I need to let you go- and I need to let you find love. Because if you love somebody you have to let them find love. I want you to be happy and find love. Trust me, I wanted you to be the one that loved me. But you don't. And I have to accept this.

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I still think about you. Darn it.

 

The funny thing is in our last conversation you asked if I had "a young man in my life."

"What does that have to do with you?" I asked, "We're not together."

"It doesnt. But I'm just curious."

"When everything that needs to happen, happens, you will know."

 

I dont know why you want to know about me. Its not like I ask about you. I just assume that you're getting on with life, just like I am.

 

But I still wonder how you are. I wonder if your stupid friend is going to tell you to stop being "friends" with me and that you'll listen. I'm afraid that you'll try to cut me off before I cut you off, or that you'll somehow manage to hurt me--again.

 

It's funny. In the beginning, I was concerned if you were going to see that tramp * * * * * after we broke up. But, strangely, even though I still think about you, I don't care as much, about what you decide to do or not. Your life. I just want to get back to ME again.

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hey ex,

you sucked. I'm so glad it didn't work out for us. You were a real jerk to me and I was angry for a very long time. I remember, I was SOOOO glad when I finally started to feel good again, and when I got over you for good I was ELATED. I still remember you occasionally, but not with any anger or longing. Mostly regret. Such a monumental waste of my young life. I wish I had been the person I am now way back then. You wouldn't have gotten a second look.

Cheers!

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Hey broken1414 maybe we can chat is there a way to PM on here or exchange email addy's? We sound like we have a lot in common. WOW you're hurting after 6 months how awful. For me it's not even been a week! Ugh I guess I have a LONG journey ahead of me don't I!!

Yeah i gave up everything to make things work too

 

I'm pretty new to this site too, but I will try to figure out how to personal message...ENA has been my savior this last little while, it's truly a gift to connect with others who are in similar pain. Friends and family are great support, but sometimes they just don't get it.

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7 days with NC. Thats the longest we've gone without contact in about 10 years. It's not like I even want to talk to you, but today I just feel so empty.

 

I don't want to talk to you because you are just full of lies. I had so much faith and trust in you, believed you were a good person, but you are just a liar and a cheat and should have had more respect for me. You knew I had my concerns about her and you lied to my face and told me she was just a friend and that I was the one you loved and wanted to be with. Lies lies lies.

 

You suck.

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Hey broken1414 maybe we can chat is there a way to PM on here or exchange email addy's? We sound like we have a lot in common. WOW you're hurting after 6 months how awful. For me it's not even been a week! Ugh I guess I have a LONG journey ahead of me don't I!!

Yeah i gave up everything to make things work too

 

Still hurting after 6 months....yeah, I'm starting to feel a little pathetic actually! I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling right now, I can relate, but I cannot imagine. I read through some of your posts....sounds like this jacka$$ was a real....jacka$$. My ex verbally, emotionally abused me over and over again. Hit me once a long time ago and spit in my face, but doesn't sound like near the trauma you've endured. My heart goes out to you in this tough time.

 

But! I KNOW you are better than that! I KNOW you DESERVE better, the best! I know how hard it is to leave someone you really do love, but you know that you just can't do it any longer. My ex and I were together 5 years...I tried absolutely everything to make it work. The effort just wasn't there on his part. I felt completely defeated when we finally split. Like I wanted this thing to work sooooooo bad, but it just wouldn't. He drank too much, and became unpredictable and angry when drinking. I asked him many times to quit, he never did. I tried to break up with him for the first time last November, he cried, begged, promised he would change, but he didn't. I would literally be crumbling at his feet, crying for him to talk to me about our relationship, and he would tell me he was too busy watching TV to discuss it at the moment. Like you said about yourself, I AM hot! I am young, and pretty, and fun. I am a respectful, loyal, supportive person, I have a good job, a good family, friends, I've got it going on. I can probably have almost any man I want....Why he wouldn't want to nurture the relationship we had is absolutely beyond me. I believe you are the same, you can have (and deserve) SOOOO much more. NO WOMAN ANYWHERE should have to put up with the kind of sh*t I (and you) went through.

 

I can tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I actually AM seeing a new guy. He is amazing. He is kind, gentle, respectful, supportive, everything I deserve....and I am very much in love with him. I am still having a * * * * * of a time letting go of all the hurt and pain from the last one though....it consumes me some days. I have so many questions, and he has no answers. Just after we split up, he told me that he had cheated on me in the first year we were together, slept with a girl from work more than once. This news absolutely CRUSHED me! I just can't seem to stop thinking about it....it feels like all the good stuff I thought we did have is gone, like it was all fake, like there was never a foundation to build on, and being lied to for 4 years.....utterly heartbreaking.

 

My advice to you for now is

1) do not initiate contact with that a$$hole, I did not follow this rule, and it sucked. No contact is HARD, but it's definitely for the best.

2) focus on yourself, do things you WANT to do, do things that help you feel kinda good, I know it's hard when it's so fresh, but little things....go get your hair done, or your nails, or go buy some new clothes....sounds shallow, but spoiling yourself does feel kinda good, especially when you know you deserve it, and there's no one around to tell you otherwise

3) hopefully you have at least one good friend or family member to confide in - this was hard for me, I gave up and lost contact with so many of my friends while I was with my ex, luckily I have my best friend.....I could not have survived without her. I am not a drama queen, and rarely open up and discuss my issues with anybody, even my best friend, I never cry to anyone. But when you're going through something like this, you need to spill the beans, you need to get it all out, cry, scream, get a punching bag...that's how I found ENA, in a desperate attempt to connect with others who understand what I feel.

4) daily affirmations! I know, sounds totally corny, but it helps me a lot! I keep them on a piece of paper in my purse, and read them more than once a day, whenever I need to. Here are some of my current affirmations:

 

I am too important to allow a man to make me cry

It is time to let go of all the hurt he has caused me

I release the feelings of sadness he has caused me

I choose to forgive and remember that nasty and negative people are just living in fear

I identify abusive tendencies before I invest time, money, or emotions

I release the need for bad relationships

I release the pain of unpleasant experiences in love

I am ready to allow deep, fulfilling love into my life

I deserve to be loved fully and completely

 

Sounds repetitive, but, I need to read them constantly, it calms my nerves. Like I said before in a different post, those feelings of anxiety, fear, worry, etc. that he caused me to feel every single day of my life are gone, that alone keeps me going...

 

I tried to personal message you, but it said you can't receive personal messages....what's your e-mail address?? Please stay in contact with me, and let me know how you are coping....HUGS HUGS HUGS

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i am incredibly sick right now and I miss you so much.. this is still so hard for me. i know it will get better but i miss and love you still ben. I know its better this way I do, we aren't right for each other and we don't see the world the same way. time will heal me

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Dear Ex,

You told me beforehand that you wanted us to meet one last time, for old times sake. In my heart, I want to. But I need to heal. I can't put my life on hold, for a concept. I can't put my healing on hold either. I think NC is the best for both of us. And I have to keep reminding myself that.

 

Its strange. At first, I felt peace. Now, I feel regret. It's stupid. I feel regret either way: whether we were still "friends" or no contact: my heart's at dis-peace either way.

 

I stalked your page one last time, before I blocked you. I saw your birthday video. You looked so happy. I was happy for you. I still am. But I think we both need to heal. I already miss talking to you

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Broken1414...

I read your whole message you are SO nice to post all of that for me and your affirmations thanks so much!! The NC thing is HARD. The divorce will be signed by me Friday, and served to him by next Wednesday so I will have NC with him until we hear from him for sure. I am sure he will just sign the divorce or whatever- however it works- since he's a jacka$$ who couldn't even apologize. However, my car is in his name- I paid for the down payment and the monthly payments. I gave him all the furniture and did not ask for any alimony. I just said I wanted the car. SO we will have to deal with that unfortunately, but I was thinking about it and thinking maybe I could get some person to be the middle man for me...like a paralegal and such. I am going to look into it. There is no reason I should need to have any contact with him at ALL until the day the deed is paid in full. I plan on working overtime to pay the car off, I still owe 10k on it because I just got it last year. But once it's paid off he has to sign the deed over to me, and that is going to be WAY too hurtful I don't ever want to see him again because I am hurt too deeply and I cannot look into his eyes and wonder what girls he . I just cannot do it.

Try this email:

 

That is not my real name just an alias email to use...lmk if it works thanks again

Edited by kamurj
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Hey broken1414 also you said you had moved on right? How long did it take you to find someone else and do you really feel IN LOVE?

My problem, this is what's hard, I've only been IN LOVE twice I think...maybe I was IN LUST with other ppl but only in LOVE with one ex bf- (my first love) and then this guy...

I feel discouraged like I just don't feel like I want to date because I can't take being hurt again I don't know. I have a hard time being IN LOVE. I don't fall in love easily it's weird. I mean is it normal to be in LOVE with someone only 2x by age 29 because I've only loved two men in my whole entire life.

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Dear Ex

I was fine all day...but once in awhile BAAM grief hits me

I surf CL and stuff where I know you'd post and then I see posts that sound like you and I go crazy and filled with grief thinking that it might be you and wondering why you want to be with other women instead of me. I do everything most girls won't. I gave 100% I just do not get it at all. I wish I had of just stayed a friend to you with benefits I wish I had of never gotten married to you or dated you. You were not worth it at all.

I was a little tempted to contact you so I knew I needed to come straight here and kinda write on our lil Enot alone diary

I don't really miss you to be honest. You asked for too much. What I am upset about today is thinking about you some other women.

Edited by HeartGoesOn
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