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I thought I'd miss you less over time but I feel worse. I'm not irrational enough to think you miss me too but the denial is still clouding over my judgement.

 

I have to stop thinking about the life I wanted with you. It hurts constantly and every time something good happens in my life I want you to be there. I tried to pretend you were dead but I know you're alive so I can't really delude myself this way.

 

I miss you so unbelievably much and I'm so sad I'm not part of your life. I've been trying the rubber band thing to stop obsessive thoughts and that helps a little. I can't believe I have to go through the rest of my life never knowing how you are and sharing my experiences with you. I really want to get over this but you are the only person I ever wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

 

Anyway, I can't believe this pain is possible. I know should just try harder to be happy but I feel like I'm betraying you by forgetting about you. You are so important to me, how could I just forget about that? And when I try, I always get so depressed thinking that your life continues on barely hindered by any heartache. I can't believe things could end up being so one-sided.

 

I'm trying to do the things we said we would do together and it's not that bad, but I think about how it would 1000 times more fun and meaningful if you were there. I have to keep reminding myself that you didn't want that, and you weren't happy with me. That's the part I don't understand, I know things really were terrible but why couldn't you see beyond the immediate present and trust in our future. God I'm so depressed. I feel so bad having to put you and all my daydreams about our future behind me. I wanted that more than anything in the world.

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I'm glad to see you're learning to have fun and do things on your own, I really am. I just want to have my friend back and talk to you about things, nothing more, just friends, someone who will listen and support, like you always did when things were good.

 

Maybe one day soon, we'll see.

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i hate you asnd love you at the same time. you told me you feel better since the break up, yet at the time told me it had nothnig to do with me. you're having such a great time without me. well, you THINK you are. but it WILL hit you, cos nobody else will have the same compatability as us.

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Seriously? A dating site? You're effin serious, aren't you? We were engaged, and I was so, so, so stupid to think that you were as in love with me as I was with you. I thought you were just afraid of commitment, going through your own issues, figuring yourself out, blah blah blah... screw you. I tried to be loving and empathetic to you - how hard making your decision was, how you still loved me, how this wasn't goodbye forever, the way you held me when we said goodbye, BULL. I've been taking phenomenal care of myself. I've made more progress than you could possibly comprehend. I quit smoking, started taking medication for the anxiety, resolved so many of my underlying issues. I shine so bright when you're not around. Whenever you're introduced to the picture, I fall apart. I feel like I'm going crazy. I've been building me, joining groups, working on myself - but I guess some crazy corner of my brain still thought there was hope of a reconciliation. I inhaled reconciliation stories here as hope. Bull. Maybe for some people, but not us. You're not coming back. I don't understand you. Did you ever want to marry me? Or were you just going along with it? You never even gave me a chance to make things right. Hell, you never even gave us a fighting chance. I always thought it was because you were too young and scared, but I guess you just never wanted this as much as I did.

 

You may be hard to get over now, boy, but you best know that I'll get through this. I may be hurting, but it doesn't mean I'm hurt. I may still think of you, and that quiet hope hasn't quite choked itself to death, but I know in time I'll get over you. I've grown so much. If you have me a chance, you'd see a much different woman than the one you left. But if you don't, that's your loss. I miss you but I have proved I can live without you. You're not the only man who will love me for who I am. Hell, there are a million men so much more secure than you are that they'd see I'm gold, not just some silver lining, some passing cloud. I'm taking my time meeting him, because I respect myself enough to wait until the right guy comes along.

 

Go on your little dating site. Go out on dates with women who will never compare to me. I know who I am and I know what I'm worth. I know how I've changed, I see how I'm still changing, and I know that what I have to offer is more than what you probably deserve from me. I keep throwing all my love at you, and it's wasted. That love is better spent on me, and given to a man who loves me enough to stick around.

 

The funniest part? The dating site says we're 95% compatible. Go figure.

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I hate that I miss you. Last night I dreamed that you were texting me, telling me you loved me, missed me, wanted to get back together. Then when I wake up I reach for the phone hoping in my mind- maybe there will be a text from you....of course there never is. Its screwed up because when ever I see I have a new text, my heart instantly skips a beat and I hope its from you....but again never is. One of my friends invited me up to your area for Labor Day weekend- LOL NOT making that mistake again! NEVER going there again, as much as I enjoy those events and have so many great friends there I refuse to go there ever again because I know you'll be there. God only knows with who this time. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. I hate that that is something that was a part of my life before I even met you, but yet I have to quit going because of you. It sucks a lot. Especially for Halloween weekend- I'm already like UGH I can't go that weekend and that really ANNOYS me. It annoys me because that was my 'fun thing' I did every year since 2009. Me and Mary drove up every weekend and made a fun trip out of it. Kinda ruined now. Can you just move to Antarctica please???? You ruined my favorite state to visit damn it!

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I was only good to you, give you everything but in return i got nothing and today im nothing to you? do u have a heart? how was it to lie to me? I don't hate you, im leaving everything to God to handle. I thought you were a good person & I told you that. I thought you were different from the other guys. 2 years of lying to me? how did you do it for so long. to me tho? i was so honest to you and i open up to you like i never did to anyone. and now im all alone. trying to fine myself and remembering the bad times to make this easier for me. i forgive you even if you didn't apologize for the way you lie to me for so long but i need to forgive you so i can move on and get what i deserve.

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"Stop loving someone for what they used to be, or what you thought they were, or were going to be" that's exactly why I care at all I hink. It was "who you WERE going to be", but you will NEVER be that guy. You left me. You left me, you left me. When you were the one who screwed everything up and tried foro solong I just couldn't forgive you. Because real forgiveness takes time, and once I got the time and I did forgive you, you were gone. Into someone elses arms like we never were. I guess I should be happy that it happened that way. Because it proves 2 things, 1 your feelings weren't real for me, and 2 it isn't enough for me. y would I be with someone who never fought for me and then when I gave him the chance again, he ran?

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My brother says you contacted him and told him you're coming over tomorrow night for your stuff.. I wonder if you have the balls.

 

You ran from me, i've tried talking to you and being nice and apologizing and it just doesn't help.. So when IF you come get your stuff.. good luck because, i'm not helping you in any way shape or form.. my brother can help you since he is apperently the middleman between us.

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You know something? I think sometimes anger is a better emotion to feel then longing, missing them, sadness etc. At least for me. I would rather be at that point where I am just angry with him and hate him then go the other way because I know when I don't feel that anger it makes me miss him and all the good things. It's annoying that there can't be some medium and just feel 'okay' when it comes to him....but maybe anger isn't such a bad thing right now you know? You know I'm always here if you want to talk just give me a shout!!

 

Lol. I love you girlie!

You are the bestie! And i mean it too!

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Mentally!I can say i don't care anymore about you!

Yet when i do say that my heart skips a beat, and aches just a little bit.

Maybe because my mind has finally given up on you, but not my heart.

Damn you heart! Can't you see? He's NEVER coming back. So, please stop hurting.

I promise i will find a man who will be good for me, and you'll never hurt again. I promise. 3

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Resisting the urge to internet stalk you. Not friends with you on FB anymore, but I know where I can look to see if you've been at home this evening. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you'll have been doing, after all it is Monday & you are a creature of habit, but what if I found out you weren't at home? It'd only make me feel sh1tty, so I'm gonna fight the urge and try and read my book instead! Hopefully tonight won't be like last night where I laid in bed for hours thinking about stuff. Been awhile since I did that tbh, but rather not do it tonight.

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Today I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted. At first all these wishes came pouring out, all involving you realizing you made a mistake and coming back to me on hands and knees. After I thought along those lines for a long, long time, I quieted myself and it came to me, what I really wanted, more than anything. What I want, more than anything, is for you to just contact me and tell me you are sorry, that you shouldn't have said what you did, that you did love me and that I was special to you but it just couldn't work out. That's all I want. I feel like I could move on if you gave me that. I guess I just want to know that you care, or that you did care, or something. I feel like you and I were on a boat trip together, you took me to all these beautiful places--then you just tossed me over the side of the boat and sped off. I'm just sitting here, somewhere where I know nobody, I can see nothing. Why couldn't you just leave me where you found me? But anyway, yeah--I just want one email, one paragraph. One hint that I wasn't a complete moron so I can go on with my life without all this second-guessing of myself.

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I always knew you were insecure about your height.

 

I always knew you were insecure about not being smart enough.

 

I always knew you were insecure about not having enough friends.

 

How in the world could I believe that you would NOT be insecure about dating me? Except for the height thing (hell, you're six inches taller than I am?!), I've got you beat on all counts.

 

I miss you. But a glimpse into my future after talking to a friend who was married to a man like you taught me...I don't want you there.

 

You were also very disappointing...in bed.

 

I still miss you.

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I thought you were IT.

I wanted to marry you god damn it. Remember that time when you proposed to me and I was crying hard?

 

 

 

Haha. Why do I still have these thoughts in my god damn head?

I loved you B.

 

 

It was good that I broke up with that guy. Deep down inside my little 3 month relationship with him meant nothing. And he probably knew it too.

I don't miss you. But I just.

 

 

I just don't want those memories to disappear.

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I loved you. I adored you. I gave you 100%%%. I tried to work to buy you nice things or to allow you to buy yourself nice things...I was a fun wife...you got whatever you wanted TV'S, computers, Xbox and Playstations..........whatever toy you wanted or fast car you got it...I never stood in the way of what you wanted and your hobbies I even partook alongside. I would make sure you had dinner every single night on the table. I went to movies with you, out to eat with you, hiking with you, to the mall and bookstores with you. I told you you were handsome and gorgeous and adored. I held your hand, I kissed your face, I told you you were the most greatest man to me...

You would get upset if I hung with my friends or family so I gave them all up for you...I said no to being in my girlfriends weddings because you wouldn't let me...

I gave up career opportunity's because you told me I could not do it...

I stayed and came back to you every time you screamed at me, every time you broke my belongings, every time you punched holes in the walls, every time you choked me and grabbed me and left bruises and marks all over me. You took everything from me. I moved out of my place and got rid of everything I owned because you wanted me to marry you and move into your place and you wanted your own things there and not mine. And then you proceeded for the next year to flush my makeup down the toilet, to empty my shampoo and lotion bottles, to takes scissors and shred all my clothes, to tear apart all of my shoes. You ripped apart my jewelery and threw it in the dumpster. You took my wedding ring and smashed it to bits with a hammer, the first engagement ring you threw far, far away into the dark night.

I put up with all of you years of abuse, because I was in love with you and I have a hard time falling in love and I didn't want to give up on our marriage and give up on you.

But the one flaw I couldn't take, was the rejection.

You never wanted to have sex with me. You never wanted to kiss me. You never wanted to cuddle with me. I would reach out to cuddle at night and you would kick me and tell me to leave you alone.

You would complain non stop about everything I did and say I was horrible and annoying and terrible. And you would abuse me over and over mentally and emotionally.

I lost weight and got fit during the marriage and even though you gained a few pounds or didn't shave sometimes and got lazy, I did not care because I was in love with you and you were perfect to me.

But you never once said I was beautiful unless I begged you to.

Your biggest flaw was being a womanizer. You hit on my friends. You hit on my family members. You would flirt with my massage therapist.

Anywhere we went, men would stare at me but the one man that I only wanted to stare at me- which is you- you would stare at every young girl there was. The only women you liked were young teenagers. You would go down the same isles at grocery stores and follow them around and you'd look them up and down. It was horrible and soooo disrespectful.

I'd want sex, you'd want porn. And I am such a cool wife I'd of even done the porn thing with you if I could actually get laid too. But that rarely happened. You rejected me. You wouldn;t touch me or have anything to do with me.

If I got all dressed up for you, you'd call me a wh%re and say obviously I wanted other men to look at me. Which wasn't true. So I would change into really old ladyish clothes and we'd go to the movies or bowling and the ENTIRE TIME you would lust over every young teen. I'd get so upset and heartbroken and ask to be respected, and I would end up getting bruised up by you.

I thought everything was going great the last few weeks. I was making you food 3x a day...I'd kiss you hug you hold you ask you for sex (you told me two weeks ago you didn't even like sex and you weren't a sexual person!!!!). I visited you at work off and on the WHOLE marriage.....I'd bring you food and coffee...maybe little gifts here and there.

So the past couple weeks you got distant.

And you always promised you didn't cheat.

But I was devastated because in spite of putting up with all of your abuse to me including me being left with strangulation marks on my neck and bruises on my arms and chest and legs...I go the computer only to find you're talking dirty online. You're talking about fantasizing about hot women with hot bodies in their panties. You're talking about tramps and * * * * s and * * * * ty clothes. You're talking about a dream you had had that night about a woman in her bikini and you were thinking about her bottom.

 

You've broken my heart. You've crushed my soul.

I cry every day and all night. I can't sleep. I've lost like 8 pounds in one week.

I filed for divorce today.

When I confronted you last week about it, you just justified your actions and tried to turn it around on ME. You were like, "WeLL YOU WORK TOO MUCH" and so that justified your online affair thing. I hadn't worked for a whole year after we got married so i could stay home and take care of your every whim. But after you broke everything I owned and your own thigns, after I got no money for gas or groceries, after my child witnessed you breaking all of our things and strangle his mother before his very eyes, I caved and had to get a part time job to support my child and myself and even help you. Even though you made great money, you gave me nothing you'd spend the majority on yourself.

I got no wedding with you, you said you hated weddings and made us get married at the justice of the peace.

I got no honeymoon. You borrowed money from your mom to take me to a hotel room.

It was boring and awful. You wouldn't consumate the marriage until like 1 in the morning - it was like a control thing for you...you looked at me smiled and said, "bet ya thought I wasn't gonna f%$ you huh?"

and that was my wedding night

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