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I LOVED YOU SO MUCH!!!

Everyone was against you - my family and my friends never thought you were good enough to be my girlfriend or my wife, but I told them they were wrong. I told them that they don't know you - how amazing, sweet, caring, charming and considerate you are. That they don't know how beautiful your soul is, how smart you are, and how perfect you are for me.... Did you have to make me a liar in front of everyone? Did you really have to prove them right by breaking my heart?!

 

Didn't we promise that we'd work on any problems that came up? So then why did you bail? What were your reasons?

I was a broke student in debt when I told you that once I graduate from med school, money will never be a problem for us - and you turned around and called me materialistic and shallow.

Even though I had no money at the time, I wanted to buy you a nice piece of jewelery - and you turned around and called me insecure.

I had a real rough day once and complained about it to you - and you turned around and called me narcissistic because I didn't ask you how you were.

 

 

STILL I loved you, because despite all that, we got along beautifully for the most part. You were the only girl for me - I only had eyes for you. I loved holding you and kissing you, running my hands through your hair, carrying you in my arms, listening to your breathe when you slept. I reminded you how beautiful you were everytime I saw you. You made me happy... until you decided to leave me. Until you shattered my heart, and left me alone. I still wait for you to come back, to apologize, to ask... no, to beg me to take you back.... maybe then I'll be able to forgive you for the pain you caused me...

 

But if that never happens, I'm sure karma will break you heart too, somehow, somewhere..... maybe you'll end up coming to this very site to find comfort just like I am doing now. Maybe you'll read this very post I'm writing, and you'll remember what you did to me.... and you'll finally understand why I cried the day you left me.

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So now, after all that, and all the effort I've put into eradicating you from my life...you text my best friend to ask how I'm doing? Thank God he had deleted your number, because he forwarded me the text and asked if I recognized the #, and boy did I. You'll get no response from either of us. I know you're just curious about my life now, because you underestimated my resolve, but how dare you have the gall to seek information about me and peek into my life after everything you put me through. Just forget I ever existed, let me be, and let me keep healing and moving on with my life!

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I watched Jersey Shore tonight and it's really funny to me how that stupid show made me miss you. Especially when you hated it with a passion lol. You even forbid me from watching it in your room, you just hated it that much. But I remember watching it last season and we were together....and I remember how I felt like that show reflected my life SO much at the time. It did. I was Sammi and you were Ronnie. It hurt me so much to watch that show because it felt like I was living that. I remember when Sammi cried because she found out she was being done dirty. I remember I cried because I found out you were playing me. I just remember watching that stupid show and watching that chick cry and I would just cry my eyes out, because her crazy abusive relationship with her boyfriend was so close to mine. How screwed up is that? But at the end of the day I also felt like as psycho as the whole thing was, as much pain you caused me during that Summer/Fall- and despite all the drama we loved just as hard as we fought. All the times that guy begged on his knees for her on screen, just reflected all the times you begged on your knees for me.

 

Last September, after you lied to my face, told me there was no other girls and I went through your facebook and you continued to lie to my face. How when I confronted you you had this look on your face I have never seen before. It was shock, and sheer and utter FEAR. Fear of being found out, of loosing me for good. You deserved so much worse then I gave you. I should have left your ass that day, a week before your birthday and NEVER looked back. It would have been justified. I remember you got down on your damn knees crying, pleading, begging for me. I was a * * * * * that day SO mad, I watched you practically grovel at my feet. I remember posting on my facebook 'today I feel like Sami from Jersey Shore. I feel betrayed' and your sister read it and wanted to know wth you did to make me write that. Gah I still love you sister by the way.... I can/'t believe I forgave you after that! Went and even spent your birthday with you!! Everyone thought I was out of my mind! Can we say fool????

 

Arg just amazing to me how a dumb over dramatic show can invoke such feelings in me. It shouldn't make me miss you, if anything if should bring back all those feelings on hate I had back then....but I also remember the good times. Maybe it was because when I watched the first season and they were just falling in love, in real life that was when you and I were falling in love. I remember being on such a permanent high and watching them fall in love on screen and it just paralleled how I felt. I felt connected to two stupid people on a reality show- pretty dumb huh? I need to shake it off, it's just a dumb show. A show that may have hit close to home for me at the time, but a dumb show none the less. But still when ever I look at those two characters I will always think of you and me....

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ok im really missing you today, its like a panic, and then swing into horniess then into feeling of loss and emptiness...w t f is wrong with me? what is wrong with you?

 

im gunna let you decide whether you wanna block my new fb, it only gunna be a matter of time fb will put my profile on yours asking if you know me cos we have mutual friends. you'll know its me by my profile pic. i kinda felt wrong not having a pic you knew, as if i was sneaking around stealthlike. i said id respect your choice to block me, so im following through on that in a non verbal way.....upto you babe, least if you do block my new fb, it will mean no more hopes jus lots of moving on. think thats what i need. jus love you today ok, and want you to be happy...if youve met someone else, i hope i taught you something about love and you put her first this time.

 

big hard kiss and tight hug xxx

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Robin - I'm so sorry about the feelings Jersey Shore brought forth. I read your post (sorry, I feel invasive when I read other posts in this thread too) and somewhat related but in a different way. My ex introduced me to Jersey Shore and told me she thought of us when she watched it. I ended up becoming a fan of Jersey Shore, caught up on every episode and watched the season premiere last night. It made me angry more than anything. I hate how I can easily attach almost everything to my ex in some way. I know this offers no consolation but I wish you the best and that things get better. May you have a pain free day coming your way soon. Take care, Robin.

 

 

I've actually been ok as of late. I check up on your stuff less and less these days. However, I feel like I need to send a text before I get chewed out again. Remember, you broke up with me, you let the conversation drop, you will seem unsure of how you feel about talking to me one minute...then telling me you love and miss me the second. The games, the lack of communication, your hesitancy and uncertainty...it all just gets to be too much. Figure yourself out and what you want because if you keep up this crap, I won't even be there as a friend. You've really been making a mess. I want you to be happy, but don't screw me over while trying to get over the hurdles you face.

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I wish I didn't trust you so completely the way I did.

I wish I didn't hand over my heart.

 

You shouldn't have taken it when you knew perfectly well you weren't going to handle it with care.

Now my whole being is still damaged.

 

I am so afraid.

I struggle within myself just to be strong. But it's still hard at times. I trusted you. I loved you so.

 

And you had to take that and throw everything back in my face.

I still remember me laughing hysterically in pain. Wasn't that a sight?

 

 

Anyway. I just really want to heal from all this. I want to love again.

But right now I can't even get myself to 'like'

 

 

Much too painful. It's much too painful.

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yesterday i had a panic attack when i saw you talking on the phone with your bf, guessed you were both making plans for the evening and that made me sick physically and mentally knowing that you are having such good times and me sitting miserably at home depressed. that's a bit strange because i managed to forgive you during the week. i keep telling myself that i forgive you, i am happy for you and i forget you. that was my motto and what kept me going. somehow seeing you on the phone with your bf revealed a lot of hidden emotions inside me. i know you are happy right now and i am such a mess. i say that life is unfair to me losing everything and you getting the best of everything. as i sit miserably during this week end, i imagine that you are having all the fun in the world with your bf just as we did when we were together. the good thing is that i have kept NC and i dont feel the urge to contact you since it's no use anymore, you're promised to that guy. when you phoned me to tell me how i am, i told you i'm not well and i did not want to talk further. this has not stopped you of continuing to be happy in the office. i cant even blame you for that. you are not going to feel sad or appear down just to please me. you have your life to live i know. at the end of the day, i am the real guilty party in this whole thing. i am getting what i deserve then. justice finally exists then, i am being punished because i am guilty. you are being rewarded because you did the right things. so let me continue then to suffer and keep enjoying yourself. justice is then done.

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I think my real problem is the fact i can't forgive you for what you did to me.

My heart isn't letting me forgive you.

I wish i could say i am not bitter, but i am.

Why did you have to go sleep with the girl at our job? Seriously. when i see her face, all i can think about how you used her to get to me. how you kissed her... how you and her share a moment....bleh. why should i care? it hurts so much. She hates me for no real reason, only because of you!

a lot of small minded people hate me at the job because of you. -_______- they don't even know me.

what the hell ever.

all i been feeling is anger, anger, anger!

I always go backward on healing stages. -____________-

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Robin - I'm so sorry about the feelings Jersey Shore brought forth. I read your post (sorry, I feel invasive when I read other posts in this thread too) and somewhat related but in a different way. My ex introduced me to Jersey Shore and told me she thought of us when she watched it. I ended up becoming a fan of Jersey Shore, caught up on every episode and watched the season premiere last night. It made me angry more than anything. I hate how I can easily attach almost everything to my ex in some way. I know this offers no consolation but I wish you the best and that things get better. May you have a pain free day coming your way soon. Take care, Robin.

 

Aw I know how you feel- isn't it crazy how everything ALWAYS brings you back to them? Even something as simple as a damn show? I totally understand! I can't watch SO many movies these days because they just remind me of him- even movies we never saw together- but they have the kind of humor he enjoyed, with actors he liked and I can't watch them. It's SO frustrating! Thanks for the kind words, I hope the same for you! I think we just need to disconnect these things from them....which sounds simple but I know it is damn near impossible at times lol

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all i been feeling is anger, anger, anger!

I always go backward on healing stages. -____________-

 

You know something? I think sometimes anger is a better emotion to feel then longing, missing them, sadness etc. At least for me. I would rather be at that point where I am just angry with him and hate him then go the other way because I know when I don't feel that anger it makes me miss him and all the good things. It's annoying that there can't be some medium and just feel 'okay' when it comes to him....but maybe anger isn't such a bad thing right now you know? You know I'm always here if you want to talk just give me a shout!!

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you were amazing the whole time we went out. you were my perfect guy in every way...

 

....WHO THE F*** ARE YOU NOW? you're a COMPLETELY different person

 

can I have the old M back please? No? I didnt think so, cos the old M would be texting me, missing me, realising what a great relationship we had.

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Aw I know how you feel- isn't it crazy how everything ALWAYS brings you back to them? Even something as simple as a damn show? I totally understand! I can't watch SO many movies these days because they just remind me of him- even movies we never saw together- but they have the kind of humor he enjoyed, with actors he liked and I can't watch them. It's SO frustrating! Thanks for the kind words, I hope the same for you! I think we just need to disconnect these things from them....which sounds simple but I know it is damn near impossible at times lol

Thank you, Robin and hugs back atcha

Plus, tell me about it with the movies! After a break-up, I prefer to watch dramas where the main character has it worse off than I do, or at least one I can relate to. Anything with a happy fun lovey relationship...no way. So cheers to watching somewhat depressing movies due to our crappy exes, lol. Hang in there. I'm sure we'll be able to watch lighthearted fun movies again with new loves and rejuvenated meaning.

 

Well that so-called high I've had has worn off I suppose so I caved and sent you a text today. I didn't text because I wanted to awkwardly text back and forth like we usually do, but rather because I felt obligated to. You think I hate you when I go for too long without contacting you first and like usual, you ignore me anyway. Also, I did want to contact you to sort of check up on you because I know some difficult things have come your way and you always make it seem like you have no one to talk to. I honestly hate when you put up such a thick concrete wall around yourself. Even though you broke up with me and your communication absolutely sucks, I still manage to care about you.

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Ugh I googled your name before. I haven't done that in a long time. I knew not much would come up since I have you blocked from fb and you dont use your full name alot around the Internet. So I found a few pictures from your fb in goggle images, not sure if they are new. I think some of then I recognize from a few months ago but think some are new. In just grateful that there weren't any pictures with you and anyone else that definitely would have hurt to see. Ugh why do I torture myself? I guess I just miss seeing your face...

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you are still hurting me, i keep dreaming of you with your bf. i dreamt about seeing you in the arms of your bf and that hurts. every small things that I do keeps me thinking how you would react in the current situation. i am really down and don't know what to do anymore. tomorrow i will again see you at the office and i will suffer again the whole day. you seem so happy now and i cant blame you for acting sad just because i'm down. i am hurting so much when you keeping into my mind. i wish that you could move to another department or change job because this is killing me.

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just to let you know that i am hurting like hell while you are enjoying yourself. i just want to do anything but to lie in bed. thoughts of you just keep haunting me and this really really hurts. sometimes i just want to txt you and tell you i'm hurting but then what? u are not going to break up with your bf to come back to me. how i wished that could happen but knowing you i know it's well over now. now i understand how people can commit suicide because the pain of death is so small compared to the pain of continuing living in hell. friend tells me just give it time but i'm really tired. nothing can bring you back to me. i guess i am in a depressive state despite taking medication. i have become such a wreck because of you. i wished i had never met you. since meeting you my life has changed to the worse. now i need to rebuild again and this hurts. i really dont know how i am going to get through this but you hurt me a lot even though you did not mean it. and i am too good and i have forgiven you.

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