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I deeply care for you. But what you said a few nights ago, keeps replaying in my mind. When we were regular friends, you kept things more professional. But after distancing myself, you poured out all your feelings to me. Everything you said keeps replaying in my head.

 

I know you want me to visit you. I know I promise I would when we were together. And like a fool, I promise I would when we became "just friends." I do want to see you. I want to hold you and kiss you. But I dont want to step my foot in something undesirable.

 

On one hand, you're from another country, and I may never see you again at the end of this year. But, still, I know you're bleeding right now. How good would it be for you, to have those feelings restirred, if you're still bleeding while we're long distance? I want to do what's best for you. And me. I just dont know how to handle all this right now. I dont know what to do.

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I feel terrible today, it's not so much as love for you but the drama and pain I went through in those 2 years with you I hit rock bottom over and over again, I felt like a body with no soul many times when you disappeared or broke up with me before, I go on days being ine thinking I left it all behind me, but the memory and how you made me feel still haunts me sometimes, my head hurts, it's almost like I can't escape from this pain

I know it's just a phase and that a year from now I might think that it's ridiculous but right now I feel like life is not for me, I'm not that strong to go through so much heartache & stress, I don't know how to just live happily and be fine anymore

All the times you made me feel like nothing, the push and pull hot and cold and how I felt when you got cold is runing through my head, flashbacks of how I felt, how miserable I was

I know that without you I'll be better, but I'm still afraid I' afraid of you and how much damage you could cause me, I cut you out of my life but I can't erase you from it, I hope you never try to come back, so that those fears and anxiety will die out

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I love you so much but we are so wrong 4 each other, i need to get away from you ans start a life for myself because you are holding me back with your insecurities....love is all we have and the rest is trash, we cant even get along for more than 2hours, who are we trying to fool, it will never work...i dont appreciate you arguing with me in front of my daughter, your so immature and have no respect, im better off without you

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2 months since I have heard one word from you. Am I surprised? Not at all. Hurt? You bet. My own fault, I TOTALLY set myself up for this one- I should have left well enough alone. WHY the heck did I have to pour my heart out to you like that last time we spoke? And the award for MISTAKE of the year goes to...ME! Ugh! Seriously what was I thinking? Asking you if you were happy- WHY? And then I couldn't leave well enough alone. I have replayed this SO many times in my head. After you pretty much told me you weren't happy, about to break up with your new girlfriend and just didn't feel happy with life....then asked me if I was....my response should have been 'Yes I am happy. My life is great.' Seriously would have been the perfect response and BIG FU JERK! But I couldn't lie to you....not in that moment. Not when you actually told me the truth. Seriously though WHO does that??? Who tells their ex the truth when they are unhappy?? I don't understand it AT ALL! But then again if you did tell me you were happy it would have probably hurt me more. UGH I don't know what was worse, I shouldn't have asked in the first place- bottom line.

 

And now I feel like there is this weird, unresolved awkwardness once again even if we aren't talking. Which I felt the awkwardness was finally behind us. We were finally in an 'okay' place. Friendly- not really friends. But I realized I can't be friends, or even friendly with you. All of that 'friendliness' was ALL fake on my part, some of it on yours too. I could tell. That night when I saw you, I may have been drunk but I know when you feel uncomfortable and how you are when your being fake and it was all fakeness. On my part too though. "It was nice to see you" And you hugged me goodbye- with new girl right next to you. "Oh you too!!" as I hugged you back with this biggest most FAKE grin on my face. Yup all fake. Best we don't talk ever again so I don't have to be fake...I hate fake people and pretending. Not my style at all...besides I already established I will never have to see you again my life.

 

Still though....it all hurts to much...FML....

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I'm not sure what to do or feel anymore...I want to make the "right" choice. In fact, what I really want is for things to go my way.

I want things to work out well for me. It's getting to the point where I am starting to feel afraid to ask for what I really want

from someone in case they run away...I guess that's a sign that it wasn't meant to be then...or that I'm better off. I wish

I knew what is the "right" choice or answer...wishing that I know the outcome to things ahead of time.

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I'm aware I acted quite irrationally last night, what with the crying and posting you that message in this thread.

Life goes on. I know this.

That disappointment and broken shreds of my shattered heart you left me with WILL completely heal in time. It will.

 

 

 

I have faith and I sure as hell not going to cry another tear over somebody like you.

 

 

 

 

Goodbye love.

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You are soooooo hurtful. You say I love you but then say you don't want to be with me! You say you are figuring you stuff out then you say you need more time and space. You won't forgive me for saying mean things when I was drunk. You've held onto that night for 4 months. I am tired. If I hurt you that bad then stop calling me. Stop telling me it'll be ok. Stop being nice. Just let me walk away too. I love you so much! I miss you soooo much! All I want is to come home to you and be happy but it won't ever happen. It can't ever happen. You are not the type of man to forgive and that isn't healthy. You're 39 years old and acting like a kid. You say people close to you always hurt you the most Well No * * * * Sherlock! That happens. Ask anyone. There isn't a person out there that hasn't been hurt by a loved one yet there are millions of people in loving realtionships. What to know why? Because they forgive the ones that hurt them. I keep trying tofigure out what you want, but I honestly don't think you have a clue so how whoould I? At first I think it can't be just that night because who breaks up over one drunk night, but then why hold on? Why say you want to try again? The I think you want to try again, but if you want to try why aren't we? If I hurt you so bad then why are you still texting and calling me? Please stop. Please go away! I don't want to love you any more. I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to feel bad about the past or think about what our future should have been. I am done talking to you and I no longer want you in my live, in my head, or in my heart!!!

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For the first time in over 2 months, I cried over you.

Got in a bad mood tonight and I guess this in combination of listening to those songs that I should be avoiding (since they always make me think of you) resulted in me crying alittle on the bus.

 

 

Luckily it was 11:30pm and there was no one around.

 

 

When am I going to stop feeling all this stupid hurt? =( You damaged me so severely you know?

I just want things to be better...No. I NEED things to be better.

You can not even begin to imagine what your lies, cheating, mind games and abuse have done to me. It's been a year for god sakes, and I'm still not over the betrayal and everything else.

 

God. I need to get over this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I bloody can't.

 

WOw! This is EXACTLY how I feel! I couldn't haven said it better myself! I feel your pain...HUGS.

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Stop beating up yourself. Seriously. You did what you did, you can't go back in time and change it. Thinking about what you did over, and over until the point where you hate yourself, does nooooo good for you.

You are amazing girlie. Pick. Yourself. Up.

I'm glad you two had no contact in the past two months, because it means NO NEW PAIN.

Believe me girlie, i have broken NC and done a lot worse in the past, but i don't let it haunt me. You need to let go of your mistakes. I promise once you do that you will be fine.

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I finally like somebody!

And if he becomes my boyfriend, i will ADD EVERY SINGLE OF YOUR LOSER FRIENDS WHO HATE ME.

Your sisters, ANYONE YOU KNOW.

So, I can RUB my NEW love IN YOUR FACE.

It's evil, it's cruel. I know, but fck it.

You just being a jerk to me at work with all these rumors that I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU STILL! BUMP THAT. BUMP THAT.

 

I'll show you how much of IN LOVE i am with my tongue down somebody's mouth.

it's sicken no contact with you, yet all these rumors that buzz into my ear.

HELL. Somebody even ask me "Yah back together?"

 

W.T.F. KEEP MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

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There's no need for me to give a * * * * about you and I do. I am alone in feeling

The way I do and that makes it worse. I wish you'd disappear so I could forget you. All you do is bring me pain. Why couldn't I be with the guy that you've changed and become?y do I only get the terrible version of you?

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There's no need for me to give a * * * * about you and I do. I am alone in feeling

The way I do and that makes it worse. I wish you'd disappear so I could forget you. All you do is bring me pain. Why couldn't I be with the guy that you've changed and become?y do I only get the terrible version of you?

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Stop beating up yourself. Seriously. You did what you did, you can't go back in time and change it. Thinking about what you did over, and over until the point where you hate yourself, does nooooo good for you.

You are amazing girlie. Pick. Yourself. Up.

I'm glad you two had no contact in the past two months, because it means NO NEW PAIN.

Believe me girlie, i have broken NC and done a lot worse in the past, but i don't let it haunt me. You need to let go of your mistakes. I promise once you do that you will be fine.

 

Your right- I know that! Sometimes I just fall into that whole self pity mode crap and I get stuck. I think it's because I'm in a big rut in my life right now so it's just making it SO tough to let go of that mistake and I have been dwelling on it non stop.

 

Thank you girly! My voice of reason!! lol

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Why do I even bother to anymore? I'm not going to settle for less. I'm sick of men like you.

I knew it all along and it was a big confirmation of it when you told me that you liked

being hit on because it makes you feel good about yourself...Sure it's nice and flattering,

but is your ego that big and so fragile that you need to surround yourself with women

who want you when you were still with me? Was I not good enough? Why was I not enough

to make you feel wanted and loved? I gave it my all...and you didn't even care or notice.

I am sick of feeling so depressed. I'm done crying over you.

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I dont know what to do with you. On one hand, I'd want us to be friends, just like how we were before. But I doubt how that'll be possible, at least, in the way I envision it. NC is an eerie thing. I went 1 week NC with you, and the next time we talk, you were crying, bleeding your tears all over the floor. Over 1 week. Now you say you want to see me at the end of this month, to "catch up". Is this good? I dont know. My heart and mind haven't agreed yet. My mind says, "Breaking up is the best thing for everyone." But my heart is still saying, "I hope I still have a place in his heart, even though we're not together. I hope he doesnt get over me before I get over him. I hope he's only acting strong to cover how he really feels". All that crappy logic.

 

On one hand, yes. I do want to see you face-to-face (And I need to LOSE WEIGHT BEFORE I DO). But, at the same time, is that what my heart wants, or is that what's actually best for me?

 

F--- me for doing the friends thing. Yes, you're my friend but it's truly a mind * * * * to stay friends with someone you were planning on sharing your life with. I do wish you success in finding love. Just not right now, while I'm still thinking about you.

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I miss you again , even went thru our entire skype history which helped bc you never gave me exactly what I wanted. Even on bday u sucked nevergave a good gesture. I think it's to the pt where I miss the idea of being this close w someone not you. Bc u treated me like * * * *

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Why am I still dreaming about you???!!!! Please do me the courtesy of removing yourself from my daily thoughts

jjbinks I did that the other day too!! Huge mistake I am never going to look at it again....hmmm wonder if my ex has looked at our skype history at all he was always the one who seemed so obsessed about trying to keep it...

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Why am I still dreaming about you???!!!! Please do me the courtesy of removing yourself from my daily thoughts

jjbinks I did that the other day too!! Huge mistake I am never going to look at it again....hmmm wonder if my ex has looked at our skype history at all he was always the one who seemed so obsessed about trying to keep it...

 

isnt it funny watching the evolution of their conversation between you? I know! It is terrible. one day they cant stand tobe without you the next randomly they have a gf it's bs.blah men suck

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I hit a new low tonight.

the guy i like turn out to be a complete jerk, which is fine because he show his true colors quickly to me.

I don't know. I feel doomed in so many ways to never find love again, or a new relationship PERIOD.

What is about me that got men running away? I wish i could asked you tonight, but i can't.

 

I'm over you for the most part. Like I'm not in pain anymore because what's the point? I'm done with self-pity party. It does nothing for me.

I kinda miss you. Because you was an easy going person, and i did take that for granted.

I have so much love, but nobody to give it too.

Kinda makes me wonder if you was meant for me, and i blew it.

No i can't blame myself. I can't.

yet, i miss you every single day.

You have no idea what you meant to me. If you did i think the rumors would stop.

I wish i could tell you.

A year now. i'm still not really over you. How sad is that? my worse fear has come true. It's all my fault because i didn't do the right things to get over you. Stalking your facebook, talking to your sister. talking to you. i kept on re-opening my wounds.

 

But i must say for a year i did learn a lot of things.

One, not to trust people.

Two, nobody can replace your love.

three, being single isn't that bad as people make it out to be.

 

if i have to live my whole life being single, then to feel this pain of a break up then I'll be single.

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One year and a half than all the sudden you "lose feelings for me", but really you just found yourself a friend, someone who you think you could actually last with, someone who you will not last after your honey moon. But you dont think things through, and you will regret it one day. But by than I would have fully moved on. Its been 6 weeks since the break up and since we last talked. The clocks ticking. Im healing, your dreaming, your time will come. Karma's a * * * * * .

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