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Nynnja
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It hasn't even been a day without contact and I'm going crazy. I can't get you off my mind for more than like 5 seconds at a time. I wonder if you have the same problem. I wonder what you are thinking about right now. I want to talk to you so bad, but I can't let myself do that.

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I feel like there is still SO much I want to say to you....though I wonder why. I try to get these thoughts and emotions out, I actually sat down today to write you a very detailed letter, NO holding back, EVERYTHING I want to say...but for some reason I drew a blank. Of course this letter would never be something I would be dumb enough to send, just for my own personal release. I actually have 3 old letters on my computer I wrote to you over the months that I never sent. One was before we split up, back in November- literally days before I decided I had enough crap. Maybe that was the catalyst, seeing it all on paper. Actually I think it may have been. Another one was after Christmas when you were so cold and awful to me....how bad I felt, and finally the last one was back in March or February. After the last time I saw you- well up until May that is.

 

In some weird way writing those letters to you was a catharsis. I needed to get it all out, with out actually GETTING IT ALL OUT. I think I need to really sit down, no distractions, let myself feel- even if the emotions hurt like hell, cry if I have to and just get it ALL out. May do me some good. Just as long as I don't ever get the itch to send such a thing to you....though I doubt it. I made a fool of myself enough to last a lifetime last time we spoke. Won't be laying my emotions out for you anytime soon again.

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If I could write a letter you you. I'd tell you all the thing I feel, that I've been too scared to.

Like how my mind goes back. To that December night. Every time I close my eyes.

 

I don't know what came over me- I have this tune in my head, and I put the words to go with it and bam a song of sorts came out of it....If only I knew how to play an instrument, maybe I could turn it into a song and make a million bucks off of my pain LOL

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I can't believe I saw you today while driving. I'm so glad you didn't notice me. It just sucks because all those emotions came flooding back. Thankfully I had a busy day to occupy my mind. I can't believe it has been almost 5 months since we last spoke. Part of me does still miss you, but I can't forgive you nor overlook your selfish ways, lies and mental issues. I know I can keep up NC forever, and I've already calmed down since earlier, but I honestly don't know what I'll do if you contact me. Maybe I'll respond, maybe I won't. I don't know why I keep thinking that it was my fault. I keep thinking that if I had just done what you wanted, walked away and not said a word, we'd be back together. Then I think, why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want me? Why would I want someone who makes everything, and I mean EVERYTHING a priority over me. It doesn't matter whether it was school, your dog, or getting your hair done. Everything came before me. I don't care who you are, no one wants to be alone that much. Maybe I was just that good-looking guy your family approved of because they hated your ex. So you kept me around, slept with me, lied to me, just to trot around your family on occasion. I got that apartment just 5 minutes away, and I saw you maybe once every two weeks for a couple of hours. Yet, when we were just friends and you were with that abusive psycho, you were driving 20 to be with him daily. I sincerely hope you never contact me, because I know I'll never contact you. Thanks for making a dude feel unappreciated. How many times did I fix your pc? How many times did I repair something at your house? How many times was I understanding when you wanted to be alone? Do you know how frustrating it is to have so many plans cancelled at the last minute? We were together way too long for games like that. You keep saying how wonderful I was, and telling everyone what a great catch I was, but your actions left a lot to be desired. Your an amazing actress. Look a guy in the eye, tell him he's hot, smart, funny and that you love him so much, but then toss him out like he's yesterday's garbage. Your a liar, a manipulator, and a selfish, judgmental, hypocritical b****. At least now I know I'm stronger, more focused, and less naive. Good luck keeping a guy around with your mental issues and selfish behavior. You may say you want the man to act like a man, but that's awfully hard to do when I had to walk on egg-shells to prevent you from shutting down all the time. I think you've been stuck in that house for way too long with nothing but your coddling mom, your sister and a ton of female animals, especially that little psycho dog of yours. Frankly, no dog should sleep in the bed, especially one that p***** all over it all the time. You need to get over yourself. Though hey, if you want to keep being the victim, be my guest. Like I told you at the end, why was it that you were all over your abusive ex, but the guy who actually cares about you you toss aside? Could it be that you like getting hit? Do you like guys who cheat on you? I didn't realize that to be a "man" you had to hit women. I'm tall, good looking, workout, play and watch sports, drink beer, hang out with the guys. I'm good with cars, fixing things, and great with kids. I was always taught being a man meant being strong, physically, emotionally, and morally. My mother taught me to respect women, to appreciate their beauty and softer demeanor, not to take advantage of them and hurt them. But you didn't appreciate that, you took it for granted. Once you mature a little, I'm sure you'll realize the mistake you made. It might take getting slapped around and cheated on a few more times. But hey, you might just get there. But it'll be too late. You had your shot. I could've made you happier than you'll ever realize, but you just wouldn't come with me on this journey. I truly am sorry for saying those things, but I was shocked, hurt and confused. Even then though, I never spoke ill of you even when you broke my heart. I just called you out on your issues. But you got your wish, and you were able to go to your family and tell them what a jerk I was and how I wasn't the great guy everyone thought. So, I'm gone, I'm climbing towards success without you, and I'm glad to be free of the burden you placed on my shoulders.

Edited by LaKings55
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I had this dream last night that I was at your house, down on my knees, crying and begging you to "take me back". I woke up so upset. I am trying to remind myself that if anyone should beg to be "taken back" it should be YOU, not me.

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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Just call me already you idiot! Before I'm gone and I have no access to anything!

*takes a big breath* It's probably for the best that I won't have access to any phones etc, any way of contacting people at all next month!

Maybe that will break my habit of waiting every day, expecting you to call. Ugh! I hate this!!! It's driving me crazy. You're such a jerk!

 

You know what I realized today as I was going over our old conversations in my inbox?! I feel so stupid for realizing this now!

It's been 28 days since you've actually initiated contact. The rest was all me, again me doing all the f---- work!!!

What a joke I am. You're a huge a$$ hole for stringing me along, telling me you want to reconcile and then never

initiating contact afterwards. If you really want me, you should be working your hardest to win me back and

make it work out, you dumb a$$!

 

Knowing that it's been this long since you last contacted me actually feels like a relief in some odd way. I guess it really confirms

what I've been thinking all along anyways. You are a jerk and you always will be. You only pick women who you know will

do all the work in the relationship so that you don't have to lift a f----- finger! I hate lazy a$$ holes like you. If that's what you

wanted, you should have stated that from the very beginning instead of wasting my precious time.

 

I hope I don't see you at all when I return from my trip!!! You're not worth any of my time and I'll cut off any contact

with anyone who is still in contact with you. Yeah, that's how much I hate you and want you out of my life!

Anyone who resembles you or is friends with you, etc, I'm going to cut out of my life. You're such a loser.

 

Good luck with those disgusting women you like so much! Hope you found what you're looking for in them!

I've had enough of your stupid games. I've had enough of you. I'm glad I went over our old emails today

in order to realize this.

Edited by Cagedfeelings
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All i want to show you is how content i am with my life.

How i am so happy without you.

which i am in so many ways this is true.

I read my old xanga entries, and geeze all i ever wrote about how you made me pissed! or sad, or couldn't do me a simple favor like feeding my dog when i went on vacation. I read! and i read! and wow i was so unhappy with you.

Now of days my life is normal and happy. And yet im still feeling sad without you.

My urges to look at your facebook are GONE.

What's wrong with me? why do i hold on to you? You have let me go easily.

My hope for you and me is gone as well.

What holds me to you??

What bonds me to you??

Our unborn child? Pshh i barely was month and half when i had my miscarriage.

I wish i knew... i wish i knew.

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I just want to die already....I feel like someone ripped me apart and I can't sew the pieces back together. A part of me will always regret

that we never got past our issues to work things out. A part of me will always be with you. I wonder when this pain will end.

I keep going over and over it in my mind. And now I don't really see any real reason left to live. Healing takes so long.

Why can't I just be there already?! Why did I ever have to meet you? I'm crying so much and you don't even care!!!

I hate myself for ruining everything. I hate it oh so much! This pain in my chest is so terrible and I wish you would

come back to take it away. But I know now that you never will. And it's all my fault. All of it. This goodbye is the last one.

It's real and it's frightening. You've told me you've finally given up after stringing me along for so long. I wish there was someone

I could go crying to. I know I'll never find another you again. And it hurts to know.

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We really are so alike lol! I looked back recently on some stuff I wrote when we were together and I was like WOW I was miserable with him! I forgot how bad I actually felt during that time- I tend to only remember (the few) good memories. There were far more times where I was upset or angry, cried pretty much every day. And now here I am with out him and I'm still pretty sad....I don't get it. Miserable with him, miserable without him!

 

Feel you girl

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At first, I thought that maybe we needed to have one final talk of "closure" before going NC. But, after thinking about it, that's pointless. The only thing that'll happen is more blaming, which neither you nor I, really want.

 

YOU said that the break up was NO ONE's FAULT, and that we were just "incompatable" . YOU said that we're "still friends." Why then--do you go behind my back to all of our friends, and ***** to them about "how bad I am" and "how you just can't believe that I've done this to you?"

 

Are real friends two-faced? No. Ergo, you are not my friend. I want to be your friend. But I can't be honest with someone who's being fake. And throws me under the bus. For your sake and mine, I need to let you go. It's the only way we might be able to go on. You WILL hate me for a while. That's expected. Maybe we can be real friends later. Wait, what the hell am I thinking? You dumped me!

 

I keep having thoughts that you'll go back to that two-cent * * * * * who's been trying to hump your leg since we first started dating. I sensed something between you and her. Only time will tell now.

 

But I desperately need to move on. Even if you hate me. Its just not fair to keep all this anxiety and hurt, and what-ifs, for some bullsh*t that just WASNT meant to be.

Edited by RitaTrue
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I see tonight is an event in your area. Guess that's the downside of having friends who go to these events on my facebook who live in your city. Its like I can't get away from that God forsaken place and my memories of you no matter HOW hard I try!! I bet your there. To find a girl, or with your new girl if you have one. I shouldn't even be thinking about it but I can't get the image out of my head of you having fun, dancing with skanky girls or a new girl. Having a great time and enjoying life. Not even a thought about me, about how that used to be our place I bet. I actually thought that place was special to you at one point because of me LOL what a joke. I bet now when your there dancing with skanks the fact that we stood on that floor and stared in each others eyes declaring our undying love to each other....I bet it means nothing to you. That you so easily forget how you looked me in the eyes and told me how much you loved me over and over-right there where you meet new skanky girls one after another.

 

Gosh I actually thought that place was something special for us but you tarnished it by going there so many other times and sharing the special place with so many new girls. I should have realized that A LONG time ago when you went there and met that girl when we were on a break and messed around with her behind my back that night. Nothing is sacred to you I guess. For me I still can't even bring myself to go to Chinatown because that was OURS. Or Whole Foods- ANY whole Foods- but specifically the one in Union Square.....in some weird way those places were US We are SO different. You could just hold onto some other girl in a place that was suppose to be ours and not even think of me, of us at all. It hurts....you really are a player, a womanizer in your own way. I hope you never find happiness with anyone!!

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Tonight for what ever reason I'm really missing you, I wish things could just go back to when they were good and we were in love. You have a new boyfriend now to keep you company and probably to keep me off your mind and distracted. I don't have that luxury I'm left to deal with missing you at times like this. I wish I could hear your voice and see your smile right now and just hold you all night long. But that's not going to happen and probably never will again bc of the things you did. It's tough knowing everything that we put into the relationship you through away, but you have to live with that and while I wish you the best, I do hope you regret what you did for a long time.

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i woke up feeling miserable and it hurts so much. i think i was over you but you keep haunting my thoughts. i wished i could have a remedy against you, something to make me forget everything about you. I make all the efforts to keep you out of my mind but when i sleep, you come back and i am so affected when i wake up. am i going too fast trying to get over you? i can't having thoughts of you with your bf being so happy and leaving me in such pain. there has to be some justice in this world. i know i am going through a lot of phases but one thing i know is that i will get well. you have hurt me so much and i wish you could disappear completely from my life but we are co workers and i can't change job. why does it hurt so much? Please go away from my mind.

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So yesterday I discover you are in fact having a much harder time dealing with our separation than I thought you did.

 

You always portrayed yourself as the hard edged, diamond coated girl who was completely in control of her emotions. Last time we broke up you were steadfast and determined in it being over, and were solid as a rock. It took me time to melt that, and to get you to ease up. I imagined you would be the same this time.

 

I never expected, in a hundred years, for you to actually ask me for more time. You told me you wanted us to be friends, and I thought we could just chat, but you're not handling it well at all are you?

 

In some ways, this makes things easier for me. I thought you'd walked away from us a while ago, and were ready to move into the arms of another. This humanises you, and lets me see you're just as fragile as I am. It makes me love you all the more. I know now that we actually did mean something to one another, even though it didn't work out. It makes me smile to know I meant as much to you as you did to me, even if you hid it so god damned well.

 

I'll be leaving you alone, just like you asked last night, and one day I know we'll be friends again and be able to look back on our time together and smile.

 

I'm calm and peaceful tonight. I still miss you, but now I know I can fully let you go in a sense of warmth, not anger or bitterness. Smile for me gorgeous, you deserve to be happy.

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My cousin finally came back from studying abroad after 1 whole year. I remember when he first left, we were still so infatuated with each other. You know A waited for him for a whole year, and so did he. We met at the airport and when they first saw each other, they burst out crying. I am envious of this thing that they have almost but at the same time I'm happy there's couples out there that can do what we couldn't do.

I was talking to him and he said that he had many temptations while he was over there but that he could not think of anything other than her and that he couldn't hurt her that way. And you? I turn around for 5 minutes and you're already on some other girl's ass. You have no idea how I wish that could have been us.

 

I wish we hadn't gone wrong...

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Thanks for taking everything away from me. You took my heart, my friends, my self-worth, etc. But you know what - I have discovered I have so much more more to give to this world. You may have rejected me, but I now realized I've gained so much more compared to what you have taken from me.

 

I no longer live in apathy. I value everyday I have on this planet and have accomplished so much. I have even surprised myself on how much I've accomplished. Everyday, my goals in life become clearer and I'm following all of my passions. I am now happy. I'm happy you aren't in my life anymore.

 

Have a great life. I hope you find what you're looking for.

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im sick this now

why the **** dont you realise what you have lost?

youre so happy arent you, working out, planning your around the world trip, playing football, going out with friends, meeting new girls - why the hell would you give me a second thought?

im sat at home barely able to move because it hurts so much to be without you

and do you know what? you think im so weak and i cant look after myself. i managed perfectly well before i met you. you were the one who always wanted to see me, do things for me, look after me, i never asked for it. and you know what? you leave me weak but il come back stronger.

youre good looking but not as hot as you think you are

i know you go for really attractive girls but they dont all want you

you think you're so relieved to be without me

but you wont find anyone like me. you wont find anyone who will share all your interests, have the same silly sense of humour, enjoy the same things, have the same banter

you WILL realise one day, and then itl be too late.

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For the first time in over 2 months, I cried over you.

Got in a bad mood tonight and I guess this in combination of listening to those songs that I should be avoiding (since they always make me think of you) resulted in me crying alittle on the bus.

 

 

Luckily it was 11:30pm and there was no one around.

 

 

When am I going to stop feeling all this stupid hurt? =( You damaged me so severely you know?

I just want things to be better...No. I NEED things to be better.

You can not even begin to imagine what your lies, cheating, mind games and abuse have done to me. It's been a year for god sakes, and I'm still not over the betrayal and everything else.

 

God. I need to get over this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I bloody can't.

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