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Nynnja
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so you bumped into me today and acted as if you still cared after you said last week i.e. to get out of my life. you asked me how i was??? what for, you said you moved out of my life. i asked you why and i moved away. i am happy i did it. so you think that you can have your bf with whom you are madly in love with and me still as your friend? well keep hoping because i will never give you that friendship. you may say so what, i have a new bf now, well that's good then because you will never ever get my help and support. never do something you dont want to happen to you, well i do hope you will experience this pain of break up and being dumped and played with like that. you cant imagine i spent the last 4 days in deep depression and you came to me and said how i was. well i think you should get lost. and plese do not ever ask me for help. you broke my trust and i have some dignity left in me. whatever happens to you from now on, you can keep it to yourself because i dont want to be part of your life anymore. i dont want you anymore in my life. you make me want to throw up.

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I tire of you. I miss having company, but I know now I don't miss you. You're a child, a needy insecure child, who fills her life with drama so as to avoid recognising your life is empty. It's empty because you never take chances, you never do anything, you avoid any possible situation where you could be wrong. You're a coward, and you run, like you ran from me too.

 

I'm moving on, and I'm moving upwards too. I wanted to be there for you, to help you through this difficult part in life, but you chose someone else after taking so much from me. I won't be looking back again.

 

It hurts because I truly loved you, for the first time in my life I loved fully. I wonder if you were ever there, everything with you is a web of lies and half truths.

 

I look forward to the day I won't ever think of you again. Sadness has given way to anger, and soon anger will give way to peace, and you will no longer touch and harm my life.

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ugh I feel confused...I want you but I don't think I love you enough to want your child and your family in my life.

I know that this is going to sound selfish but, I think I should come first in our relationship (if we do get back together)

if you really want to make it work out. Because, how can there be one if I'm no longer there and it's not like your

child is going to keep it held together for us. So....call me for a date when your child grows up and is no longer

in need of you. Otherwise I think I will just keep to my word very strictly that I won't date anymore men with children

after you. It is too much work, baggage, and stress for me. And I also discovered that I can't love any child that isn't mine.

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I hate that I'm stuck in the past w a guy that doesn't exist. Maybe he never did. I listen to the vmails u left me only a mo ago and now you are sodifferent. I know I need to let go. There are just moments I want to shake you and wake you up from wherever you've fallen asleep Intto and tell you it was all just a dream; that we are real and she's fake. But it's just not true , I'm the one that needs to wake up.

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the worst part of all of this for me is just how different a person you are from the girl i truly fell deeply in love with. that girl is gone and i know that what i'm holding onto is something that doesn't exist and i keep hoping that it will come back or that i can fix you. but i don't think it will and i know i can't.

 

i know alot of people around here always say that they could never get back with an ex after they slept with someone else. that doesn't really bother me. (EDIT) what bothers me is that you could lay in a bed with a man you've been with for 5 years (even if it's been off and on for the last year) and then sleep with another guy less than a week later. do you really think that little of yourself?

 

Yep... How I feel exactly...

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I don't know what it is that keeps drawing me to you. Maybe we're just addicted to one another?

Please give up on me. Do not contact me ever again. You don't understand where I am coming from.

I poured my heart out to you and told you my needs and wants and you just go and ignore it.

I am sick of your vague answers. I told you I will not be with you because of all these things and

yet your stupid mind can't comprehend it. You know what, forget it. Chase me all you want but you

will never have me. You don't deserve me. I deserve better than you.

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I'm really started to get out of my depression stage of this break up.

I can feel myself enjoying the things i used to love.

Laughing, smiling, it's all coming naturally, not being forced because it has to be this way.

I'm happy. I'm okay. I'm living life the way i want, and i hope you are too.

 

My friend's children have really helped me get out of this funk. I think their innocent love really has healed my heart. There love is so pure, how can anyone stay being angry or sad? Children are such amazing gifts!

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Happy birthday baby! Wish I could say that to you but you blew that one when you cheated and lied to me. I still believe that you did that after everything that we went through together. If you only knew the plans I had for your birthday and how special I was going to make it for you. But again nope YOU BLEW IT!!!!

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Was it all just some kind of game to you? Why did you pursue me, throw our friendship to the wind, and then just throw me away like an old pair of jeans? Did any of it matter to you? Or is it that you love being the victim? I saw how you were with the abusive guy before me, I know that's what you want, and it's what you'll always have. Well, you underestimated me, you thought you had me figured out. You probably thought I was just some love-struck, spineless kiss a** who would stay just for the sex. We saw how that turned out didn't it? When you brought drama on me the day before a major interview, that was the last straw. I walked away. You knew when my interview was, and yet that didn't stop you. Couldn't wait just one more day, could you? What was it? Didn't want me moving forward with my life? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Women like you don't deserve men like me. You're as manipulative and selfish as they come. That's the last time I get played for a fool. So actually, I have to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

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so you had to announce to the whole office that you have a new bf and going around saying how in love you are. you know that was going to hurt me more, yet you were too in love and had to announce every person about it. it was already hard for me to learn about your bf last week, now the whole office is talking and joking about that. you cant imagine the amount this is hurting me. i was already not feeling well at all, i had to endure seeing you being so happy and now i have to endure all these talks about you in the office. it does not seem that you realise the hurt you are causing me. but you know what a person cannot be happy all the time, you know what, one day this will happen to you as well and the pain will be twice as much as mine. There is a justice in this world, whatever wrong you do to another person, somehow this will come back to you, not tomorrow, not in a month but when you lease expect it and you will remember me and all the hurts you have caused me. now there is great anger in my heart and i will use this anger to keep absolute NC with you. I will never talk to you again even if you come to talk to me. i was finding it difficult to keep NC before because you were always needing some advice, some help, someone to rely on but i have been betrayed and i will never ever talk to you.

Now i am realising that you used and abused my trust and help. i now understand all these problems you had and asked me for help were all related to that bf. you knew how to con me in getting advice without ever telling me about him.the irony is that i advised you witout knowing it to make a bold decision. now i truly see your manipulative and egoistic nature. dont think that the love you have for your bf will last forever because i know there will be a lot of problems in your relationship because it has been built on lies to me. now i will have to bear all the comments at the office. i dread going to work everyday now and i suffer in silence and take the blows as they come. i really hate it but i can't quit my job. one day you will realise how wrong you were and dont think of coming back to me to get any support because IT IS ALL OVER, FINISHED. YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST AND I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU.

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"The truth is I wish for you all of the love in the world

Shouldn't be hard, such a terribly beautiful girl

It's just I'm not really used to this, feeling of uselessness, holding my heart in a vise

Oh It tightens and loosens, tightens and loosens, the more that I ask myself why

 

'Cause I don't know, know , know why you're making me go

Your face in the window is so, so sobering

And I can just hope, hope, hope that somewhere down that road

You'll look back and see you were never over me."

 

- The Benjy Davis Project, "Over Me"

 

 

i don't agree with the first line. i don't wish you happiness. you don't really deserve it. no matter what happens in my life, i'll always remember that text you sent me...

 

"it really amazes me that someone who claims to love another person more than anything in the world would intentionally try to hurt them if things didn't work out."

 

what amazes me is that you don't understand why i would want you to hurt. was i really supposed to just take this from you THREE times and still love you and still wish good things and happiness for you?

 

i laid in bed with you and told you i didn't want to play this game with you 3 times, i trusted you and believed you even though you'd hurt me twice, and i asked you to please not make me feel stupid for doing so...

 

and you looked me in my eyes and said "why would you say that to me? i love you and as long as you keep doing what you've been doing i'll be yours and we'll get married." and less than a month later you were breaking up with me in order to do whatever it is you're doing with this LOSER.

 

i wanted you to hurt because i think that's what you need. At the present time, the person who loves you the most can't stand to look at you. congratulations, you've finally accomplished something difficult.

 

do you really not understand? i do love you more than the world. even now. but i'm old, i'm boring, maybe i don't turn you on like i used to. and you're looking for fun & excitement, i assume. but being hurt and used and manipulated and lied to the way you've done to me will kill love. i'd have never thought i could think of you the way i see you now.

 

we were both each other's first serious relationship. and i've always felt like you were emotionally unstable, stunted even. after 5 years for you to tell me i got boring as if every relationship is fresh and exciting after 5 years...or that i'm not what you want "right now" but being UNABLE to tell me that you wouldn't want me again. what you apparently want "right now" is to act like a fool with this malibu's most wanted wannabe with no future, who's most likely just using you because he apparently doesn't get much action.

 

i know intellectually all the things i should know. i know that the truth is that you aren't good enough for ME, not vice versa. i know that you're always going to be chasing "that feeling." i know that there's no way i should ever take you back, not that i really expect that i'll have the option.

 

but like the song says, i can't help feeling that we were SO SO CLOSE to having it all. i've never been able to visualize the big picture. i'd never been able to picture myself holding MY child, or see myself as an old man. But i still see myself in my dress blues waiting for you to meet me at the end of the aisle. I still see how beautiful you'd look after giving birth to our child. I see us sitting on our porch swing as an old couple. And none of them will likely happen. at least not with you. and I know that everyone will say that when it does happen, it'll be better because it'll happen with the girl it was supposed to happen with. and that's true, but i believe that it was supposed to happen with you. i believe it with all my heart. but you don't.

 

i'm leaving in 5 or 6 months and you know it. i'm in the best shape of my life and it's only getting better and you know it. i still love you more than the air i breathe and you know it. our lives will be set up for us exactly the way we wanted within half a year and you know it. and you leave now. i STILL want all those things. the reward would always be worth the risk with you, but i don't think you'll ever be willing to put in the time & effort to truly prove to me that you could be trusted.

 

i've never believed in karma but in the month since you've done this to me again, you've had to purchase a new car, your dog got crippled and you and your DB-BF have had a little scare.

 

we never had a song. justin's "what goes around..." will do nicely.

 

ETA: and someone alot smarter than I will have to explain to me how you could ever look at that ring in your drawer again and not feel awful. or why you have the last valentine's day card i gave you still in your drawer either. how do you sleep?

Edited by just not sure
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I'm tired of this power you have over me. I am getting over you so slowly and it's kind of irritating.

I don't even know why I still talk to you sometimes. It's like I want to torture myself even more.

Well today I am going to make a huge effort into changing myself. I am moving forward with my life

and you won't be a part of it.

 

I am so irritated that you can never acknowledge my feelings and thoughts and you never

give me a real answer, whether it's in person or over IM etc. You also never offer a solution

to our issues etc. I always have to do all the work. Well dear, being with you has made

me realize I want a real man who puts effort into the relationship and pursue me like

he should. And he doesn't make me do all the work in the relationship. You are no longer

worth the effort. I can't believe I wasted an entire year and a half loving you.

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Not sure what to say to you, but feel like I need to get some things out of my head, so here I go.

 

It's been 34 days since I last emailed you, and 47 days since we last talked. I have been doing my best to accept that you disappeared, but I have been so sad, so angry, and so consumed some times that I get exhausted thinking about it.

 

I wonder if you felt you were in over head, and the only way out for you was to disappear without a word.

I think about reaching out to you a lot, but I don't. My pride holds me back. Plus, I don't want to get rejected all over again if you're not feeling the same way about me. I think about you every day, and at least, I am no longer crying about your disappearance every day.

 

I do miss you. Doesn't mean we're right for each other, but I do miss you. And I so badly want to just talk to you. Not sure why the planets lined up the way they did to take you out of my life, I sure wish they would line up a different way and bring you back. Even though I don't think I really care much any more. Still, I would probably wet my pants if I ever saw your number calling me on my phone. I suspect I have not heard the last from you. I suspect that when you get your life in order and move back here in November, I will hear from you.

You disppeared once before and came back. I'm not sure why you have this little quirk. You probably think it's no big deal to pop in and out of someone's life. Wrong. It's a big fat deal to me. I have abandonment issues, and it just tears me up. You probably have no idea the effect you had on me.

 

I am still not sure how we got offtrack, but I think it has little to do with me, and more to do with you and where you are in your life. I don't think I could have stepped up to the plate with more than I did and faired any better. I just don't think you had room for me at this time. I am trying so hard not to take this personally.

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3rd day of NC and it has been hell. i just wanted to send you an email or just to phone you or just to bump into you on purpose because i wanted so much to talk to you. i am saying this while just yesterday i wrote on this same thread that i was never ever going to forgive or talk to you. now i was going to beg you to talk to me and even apologize. it's so tough not to be with you anymore and you moved on with your bf. it seems that you have got every positive from our relationship and i am keeping all the negative stuff. i resisted talking to you but what about tomorrow? looks like i'm trying to bargain for some sort of reconciliation, i.e. to be just friends but everybody knows this cannot work. i see you so happy and so serene with your new bf and i cant stop hurting. you are probably living your dream and i am living my nightmare. how i wished things could be different. when i hear that people take months or even years to recover from a breakup, i am discouraged after my 3 days NC. i know i cant be friends with you because i will know more about your bf, how great etc he is and i will be hurting myself. i wished i could go back in time and changed certain things but it's too late. i'm doing everything to try to heal but it's hard. but you know i will make that effort to continue healing because i want to be able to live again without you.

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Why do you enjoy hurting people? Does it make you feel better about yourself?? I'm not sure why you feel the need to text me and tell me all about the little girls you're sleeping around with.....it doesn't make me jealous at all. Only glad that I'm not one of them this time. Do you expect me to sit back and laugh because you're hurting others exactly the same way you hurt me?? You're a cowardly pig and you need help. Maybe I should just write a letter to your mom, just let her know what a gentleman she's raised. I don't think I ever really loved you, just thought I did. I know what real love feels like now, and guess what?! It doesn't hurt, and I don't feel anxiety, or fear. And, I don't think you ever really loved me either. You don't lie to, cheat on, or abuse the ones you love, at least normal people don't. What did I ever do to deserve your bullsh*t?? I only loved you, tried to understand and support you. I let your deadbeat brother live in our basement for years, without paying a penny, tried to support you in your attempt to give him a better life. Well, some role model you are; drinking and partying, he doesn't even want to live with you anymore. Can you blame him?? I KNOW how hard it is to put up with your crap everyday of my life! Your actions speak louder than my words ever will. Eventually everyone will see you for what you really are, what I already know. They will see right through you, just like I can. Your true personality will always shine through. What you did to me, how you intentionally hurt me will come back to you....you should never neglect the ones who love you. What goes around, comes around, and sometimes even worse. Diamonds aren't this girl's best friend, Karma is! You arrogant pr**k, you laugh now, but I will be the one laughing at you later. Do all these little girls know that you're an alcoholic? And now apparently, a coke addict? Do they know you'll make them feel good for a bit, then abuse the crap out of them?? Do they know you'll shatter their lives into tiny, unfixable pieces? That you're nothing but a negative, nasty person living in fear? What do I want from you? My life back would be nice! 5 years too late for that though. I am releasing all the hurt, pain, and sadness that you have caused me in order to move along with my awesome life.

 

I have met a man who I believe is truly my match. I love him. He loves me. Good things DO come to good people, eventually. If all the sh*t you put me through brought him to me, then I guess it was all worth it, and Karma does exist. All my relationships are now loving and filled with trust. I am in a beautiful relationship with a wonderful, romantic, understanding man, who is crazy in love with me. It's just not fair that I still carry all the grief you caused me. I need to let go of you and all the pain, so I can be truly happy. I'm working on it, but you need to know that nothing, no one, ever has caused me so much hurt, EVER. No one has ever been able to bring me down like you. Because you are so insecure, it makes you feel like a bigger man to have that kind of impact on people, especially me. Like I sad, you are a coward. The only thing I can take away from you is lessons....here's what you taught me:

 

I am too important to allow you to make me cry.

I identify abusive tendencies in others before investing time, money, or emotions.

I do not allow others to take advantage of me.

I have learned to avoid toxic and destructive people.

I am brave, bold, and courageous, that's why I left you.

I accept only first class behaviour and treatment from others, and I deserve to be loved fully and completely.

 

I am not yet at the point where I can wish you well, still waaaaay too angry. So for now, I hope you burn in Hell, I hope you get your heart broken a million times worse than you broke mine, I hope you fail at life and realize that I carried you along for 5 very long years, I hope your business that I ran for the last 3 years fails because of your horrible personality and lack of intelligence. I hope everyone in your life will see you for what you really are; a nastly, cowardly , cheating pig who threw away everything positive, genuine, and pure, who shattered an innocent, loving, girl's trust. As you would say, "Good enough".

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we can't be friends

i've had my heart ripped out before by someone I was enganged to. She left me for my best friend of 12 years.

 

still, even though it was only 3 months for us, I don't think I have ever felt heartache as bad as when you left. You left a hole in my heart and I don't know how to fill it. I miss you so much that it hurts. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for 3 months now. You are my constant thought. I'll go a few hours forcing myself to think about something else and all of a sudden, for no reason at all, you'll pop into my mind like a tidal wave. It's enough to bring me to my knees sometimes.

 

I still haven't slept in my bed once since you left...it doesn't feel right without you in it. I see you at work and my heart still skips a beat. Seeing your car is enough to bring tears to my eyes because I know I'll never sit inside it next to you again.

 

People always say "it's better to love and lose than to never have loved at all". I don't know if I can agree with that. Losing you was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me in my life. I wonder where i'd be and how i'd feel had I never met you. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you and I know you will always be the one who got away. Even if I get married and have children I know that a part of me will wish it had worked out for us...that I could have been good enough for you to stay by my side. I would have done anything for you and now you are a stranger to me...it's hard.

 

You told me you were just one lonely fish in the sea and that I had goddamn blinders on. I don't. I have reeled in enough fish and let them go that I know when I found a keeper. Every other girl I have met I kept my guard up around. I didn't care if they came or went into my life. When they inevitably left I told myself "psh...I can find another just like her". I don't know how i'm going to find another girl who made me feel the way you did. Jesus Christ I fell for you and I fell fast. It's been 3 months now and I have met so many new people and done so many new things. My weekdays and weekends are full and I'm never alone, except at work, but I have never felt so lonely in all of my life. You are never far from my thoughts and when they come on me it's enough that my knees give way and I stumble. Everyday I pray that you'll contact me and change your mind...that there is still a part of you that holds a candle for me and wonders if you made the right decision. I know that you feel you have and you are at the point where you want nothing to do with me.

 

We haven't spoken in nearly a month now and the days have been dragging on. I desperately yearn for the day that you contact me but I know it's not going to come and it's so painful to sit and wait for a person who isn't waiting a second to live her life...a life that I am no longer a part of. It hurts to know you are out there living your life, giving your heart to another and I'm yearning for you like this. Unrequited love is one of the worst things you can ever experience.

 

If I never believed in a god before I certainly don't now. I have a house, a job, my health, friends and family. There is only one thing I want and have wanted for so long and that is someone to share it all with. Why is the only thing I want something that I just cannot attain? I see so many happy couples living their lives together, getting engaged, getting married, having children and yet i'm alone...i've been alone for so long and it's becoming unbearable. I thought I had someone who could take me away from this isolation but I was wrong and I so desperately wanted to be right about you.

Edited by deavyin
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People always say "it's better to love and lose than to never have loved at all". I don't know if I can agree with that. Losing you was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me in my life. I wonder where i'd be and how i'd feel had I never met you. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you and I know you will always be the one who got away. Even if I get married and have children I know that a part of me will wish it had worked out for us...that I could have been good enough for you to stay by my side. I would have done anything for you and now you are a stranger to me...it's hard.

 

i wrote almost the exact same thing in my journal last night

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I miss having someone to talk to every day. That was a big adjustment and I'm still adjusting to it. Sometimes it makes me feel lonely

Other times, I don't even care about you and whatever we shared. I think that is what keeps drawing me back to you, is that I miss

having someone's company, someone there to talk to and live my life with. Well now I am making a new chapter in my life. I keep

having to remind myself this. Going to the monk training at the monastery is an even bigger reminder that I need to let us go.

Let you go for good, especially if I want to stick to this path and find myself again.

 

It hurts me every time you never give me a real answer. Or perhaps I just don't understand you and never will, considering

I'm always trying to figure out what you're saying. Why must you speak in riddles all the time?!

 

It is time to let go. Get over us. Get over you. I have no regrets despite what my family thinks and says. Their always

trying to dictate things for me just like how you let your child dictate your love life and life in general for you.

 

After leaving you, a huge weight was lifted off of me and I felt like a better person for it. I like the new person I am

working towards becoming. I hated the person I was when I was with you and your family and I am going to leave

her behind. And that includes leaving you behind as well. I need to find myself and hopefully someday find the one

who is right for me.

 

I am going to try very hard today to not think of you. You're not longer worth my time and effort, dear. I love you

but I am tired of trying so hard and getting so little in return.

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I'm finding it hard to accept that its over. Why am I lying to friends to my friends about all this

I can't be myself ...

what's wrong with me?

 

I can't act normal with anybody ...I can't ...

I put tomoz a show for everybody that I'm ok but I'll not! I'm so stuck ...I can't seems to find closer to let go of you ...I don't know why I'm even holding on to you ...I dreamed about you and that u broke my hear ll over again ..

I know it's over but why can't I accept that?

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I still miss you. I wish I didn't, but I do....almost 2 months since we last spoke. Dumbest thing I have done in a long time was facilitate that conversation. Scratch that, dumbest thing I did was going to that event that weekend knowing you would be there. 2 months later and I am still sick over it. It probably doesn't help that my own life SUCKS beyond words, at least if my life was going good I know I wouldn't be thinking of you as much as I am. Eh what can you do? ... I just wonder who your with these days. Probably lots of random skanks, or on to girl number 2 after me. I'm probably an afterthought these days....not even on your mind at all. It definitely hurts. Remember when you told me you would always choose me over any other girl? How you would ALWAYS fight for me, for us? ....Thanks a lot of lying.

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