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How could you do all this to me? Why did you say you loved me, but wouldn't change your ways for me? After 5 years of your crap, I wish I had never met you, I wish you had never come back from stupid New Brunswick to be with me. I wish I could have the last 5 years of my life back, and that you were permanently erased from my memory. You crushed me. You knew I was already broken, but you smashed the remaining pieces of me into even smaller pieces. I wish I could literally rip your too small heart out of your chest and run it over with my car a million times, then maybe you would actually feel SOMETHING. I wish I had cheated on you too. I had many opportunities, some of them I WANTED to take, but I didn't because I knew it was wrong, and I didn't want to hurt you. I wish I had taken EVERY opportunity to cheat so I could throw it all back in your face, tell you all the details, and make you feel something like I feel right now. I will pray everyday that you will love somebody else like I loved you, and they will smash your dreams, like you did to mine. I hope you think about me and miss me and realize what we could have had, if you just weren't so flippin' mean. "Someone's gonna leave you with your fire burning, and no way to put it out." I can only believe in Karma now.....


PS I am selling my diamonds, they are only full of lies. I think I will go on a nice vacation with the money...

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I told myself I wouldn't hate you or feel anger towards you as I believed you were my soulmate, and still do a tiny bit. But you know what, I'm SO angry..I want to scream at you for what you've done to me. You're such a coward it's unbelievable! And you think you're going to get over me by hanging around with that POISONOUS girl? She's just going to talk trash about me, and feed you loads of other lies she's made up in her head about what she thinks is going on with me and P, even though we're just friends - its hilarious how dramatic she is. And you want her as a good friend? As for A and D - good luck there, they are really manipulative and are not making you a good person, its funny how you agreed she was two faced last year, now shes like one of the best people in the world - and if you havent noticed already she has an obsessive fixation on you which I find disgusting and outragious! She's posted atleast 8 photographs just of you since you left me, should she not be photographing her boyfriend? ITS WEIRD.


And I'm really angry about how you're keeping tabs on me, stalking my blog, deleting ALL my family and friends off Facebook except the people I talk to most?... like thats just a coinsidence - you dont even like them. WHY ARE YOU KEEPING TABS ON ME? YOU LEFT ME FFS!!! You shouldn't give a flying shiiiiit about what I am doing.


I could wish your next girlfriend breaks your heart as hard as you've broken mine - but I know you will NEVER feel the emotions I have felt because you're emotionally stunted and can't/won't deal with such negative pain emotionally - you'll just blocked it out, just like you did with your fathers death... and one day - you'll have to grow a pair of balls and deal with it, he's gone... and you've got to stop getting so fuuuuu-ing angry whenever his name is mentioned its not right.


I actually hope you have a nervous break down - not because I want you to suffer, but because I want you to deal with your emotions, and actually FEEL something for once.


I wish your mom knew how messed up you were so she could seek help for you - but I can't tell her because it's not my place to do so. Your mother is such an amazing woman - and I hope you look after her.


I really hate you for feeding me such bull and all those lies about our future, i'll never be able to trust another guy thanks to you. I can't believe I was SO naive and waited for you to travel the world for a whole year with work, I feel like a complete sucker for doing that - I wish I'd broken up with you, i'd be over you by now and probably happy with someone who actually wants me. Hate hate hate you for it.


I've got rid of 90% of things that reminded me of you. I really want to know what you've done with the paintings and pictures I made for you, I bet you've binned them. Because you're heartless and cold now.


You've changed so much - oh and I saw the photo of you and that poison bee itch!....you look rough, you look like you've let yourself go - so it's showing that you're not coping very well.


I hate that I gave you every ounce of love I had to give - and you just took it, and then disposed of it and me like trash. I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR BREAKING MY HEART.


And as CRAZY as I am, I still care about you even after all of the crap you've put me through. Good luck finding happiness darling - you will not find it, you'll never be satisfied.

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I miss you. It's not bc u deserve it

Trust me

Iknow you don't and you will forever be a terrible lover but I miss the closeness and friendship we had. Ive been hurt so much, ESP by you that it's even hard to allow myself to open up to the possibility of it happening again so lingering on to someone that has ripped my heart out is easier bc you've already put me thru the worst anyone could. I know it'll pass, but right now i hate you. I hate you for passing meup like cold trkey for some * * * * you have dirty handcuff sex w when you never deserved me in the first place. You are a dirty womanizing * * * * * * * and I hope youget yours you son of a * * * * * .

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It's me again. Now I have lost sleep and cannot eat. I deleted your phone number from my mobile and can't text you which I was not going to do anyway since you have your new bf. I am still angry at you for what you did to me. Can you imagine, I took one whole year to be able to say that i was going well and that was two weeks earlier and today i am back to square one. i keep having images of you with your new bf enjoying yourselves while i am at home completely shattered. i hate that it had to end that way and that you took everything from me without any remorse, you took my valuable advice, you took support from me, you broke my NC so many times that i finally started speaking to you. i did not contact you but you had to come and ask for help and advice. now that you know you love your new bf, you just dump me like that and telling me it is going to be for my own good that you leave my world. well you could have done that earlier and i could have been better by now. i will tell you one thing, you did something really terrible to me and somehow someday you will learn that what you did was wrong. i really dont like you anymore for having been so selfish. how could you phone me everyday to talk about your problems looking for advice without letting me know you were already in a relationship. you used me and now you have finished with me you just throw me away. i wish i could hope that it will never work out with your new bf and that you teach you a good lesson for being so selfish and immature. i will never ever forgive you for what you did to me after all that i have done for you. you have hurt me so much. i wish you could feel that pain and then you will understand how much you have hurt me.

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Im a little hungover. Im still drunk. Im unsure haha i have been so busy its insane. I havent been on ena for two weeks, maybe more. It became oxygen to me, vital. Now its changed. I weened myself off and didnt allow myself to wallow - is that spelt right? Cirrectly? (sic) haha im in a bit of a strange mood. The fury inside has totally gone. Its just not there now. But thats the very reason im posting...


I almost MISS feeling the huge pain and hurt. Now that im left with the gap, im... Im just that... Im left with a "gap". A space. A vacum. A void.


I cant say I like it all that much! I cant say I like you all that much. I I I. What about you? I dearly dearly want to know whats going on with you. If you have kept your pants on for more than a couple of days - make the guinness book of records for you i reckon. But if i did hear I would be gutted. I have made an absolute gem of a friend through this site. I think the world of her. She is older than me but maaaaaaaaaan shes a legend. So kind, genuine, honest and selfless.


you had the kindness inside of you. You had it. But you never implemented or made use of it. Maaaaaan the lies. How did u do it baby girl? How did u even sleep at night? I just still shake my head, lament - chuckle aloud as i am doing right now. Pregnant with my child. Sleeping with a man old enough to be your father three weeks after i take us to the otherside of the world of meet my parents for the first time. Excuse me but, BLEH?!?! MEEEHHH!!!?!?!? haha jesus i mean, what the hell...


So it is simple. You ARE or sorry, forgive me - i dont know who you are anymore, you WERE a first class tool or herculian and epic proportions. Do you just tut and think to yourself in a carefree way "meh, no biggy". Really? Do you? I sooooooooo want to ask you! i really do. I wont. Its been five months of NC and im so different from the man you destroyed you wouldnt recognise me. Im learning again. Languages, how to be confident which I was always so good at, sports... Im soooo full on busy!! I enjoy being single. I do. Its insane to think a few months back I overdosed all because of what you did. But I blame me. I dont take any of the guilt - you live with that - I REALLY REALLLLLLLLLLLY hope you live with that.


I allowed you to behave how you did. But dont you see why? I lost my mother and you and me coincided so neatly with that - your mother became my mother. I love your mother so much because she became my mum and now im crying i miss her so badly baby girl i dont know whats happening wiht you but these cold tears running down my face really suck. Its the hangover thing right? Maybe its a good thing i came here. Allowing some emotion to drain out. I havent cried in a long time. I have stopped already.


Time is such a healer. I have healed so very much otis. Do you remember the stupid gifts i would leave for you? driving forty miles and paying 5 and a half quid for a bridge toll to leave a rose every now and then without seeing you or maybe a chocolate bar. Remember when I left an empty wrapper because we were joking how silly it was i would come all that way just to leave a little gift without seeing you? You found the wrapper with the note saying "sorry... Got hungry..." ahh baby how you laughed and gripped me so tight.


What happened to you my special baby girl who I treasured and adored and you did me. Begging me to ask you to marry you. I had to go. I wanted Australia. I never hid the fact I was leaving and you couldnt come you had to finish studying. Ahh * * * * . Has it all qorked out for the best?


I know you couldnt leave your family behind but I so wanted to start one with you. Treasure and look after you and have you do the same with me. Have you stopped smoking that horrible green * * * * that really messes with your head? Have you stopped telling countless lies to so many people? Have you come close to trying to conact me since you last did in April? Have you emailed cos I blocked you in March...


My older sister wants to kick your * * * * ing ass. She is REALLY or no, not now, she was serrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriously pissed with you. Are the memoris tarnished for you because you were behaving so badly? They arent for me because I was very good to you.


I DO forgive you and did so a while ago. I would have liked things to have been different but then hey... There are a kajillion other people on this site and countless, exponentially (lovin that word) more in the world with the same hopes. I have met one through this site. Shes smart, sexy, fun, intelligent, driven, independent and ok, she has a crazy accent but meh, i eat too fast you wouldnt like her. She wouldnt like you. Everyone likes you. Thats is until they learn you. Then they understand you are a manipulative, spiteful selfish person.


Dang I have written a lot... Im hungry.


I have a fear. A biiiiiiiiiiiig fear. Your wonderful mother (i still and always will adore her) is coming out here soon. September was it or October? Im scared because she hasnt contacted me in so long. Why... Did you ask her not to? Is she letting me do my own thing without trying to hinder my life by staying in my life and hence brining about negativity through conotations simply by contacting me? What if she comes over and asks to see me? What if I say yes and she gives me a gift from you? What if she doesnt? What if shes asks about my life? What if she asks about anything to do with love and me and you and the past?


... What if she doesnt?


Time will tell i guess. I would never ever have guessed things would have turned out like this - roll your eyes everyone as same goes for you right? Its so apt though isnt it.


Im back in december. Im going back to work to drop off my stuff. I miss the place. It was a part of my life for 24 years, how could i not? I will email Helen asking when you are NOT in so i dont happen to bump into you. But then, Im getting ahead of myself. Need to deal with your mum coming out first.


I would say stay special. But you know what? There aint jack thats special about you. Nada. So then why was i all bent out of shape for a long time? .... I will get back to you on that one.


Felt good to write to you. I wonder if we will see eachother again. After three years of being together, it seems a shame not to. Or does it? Blergh. No kisses this time either. Its not appropriate anymore.

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How are you doing? Have you moved onto the next woman already? I see the dirty flirty comments you send your female friends.

I guess you really must be moving on then, huh? Please stop telling me such lies about us. You said you would come back and ask me if you want

to reconcile. You think I really want to after reading those comments?! If you're supposed to be bettering yourself as well, why are you

doing this?! Why are you sending them such messages?! I know you're single and free to do as you wish but if you truly desired to get back

together, you wouldn't even think about doing these things! How could you?! I feel so stupid for even thinking this...I feel so arrogant.

I haven't even done any of those things that you have. In fact, I've actually been working on getting myself back! What about you?!?!?

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You said you couldn't be with me anymore cuz u didn't think I loved u. If u only knew how much I've been hurting and missing u these past 9 months. How can u just forget about me like we had nothing together? We both made some terrible mistakes and both did not treat each other well, so why was it all my fault? I miss u everyday and wish u felt the same. It hurts to know I'll never see or talk to u again and that only makes u happy.


One day I hope that u will see that I did really love u although I treated u the way u did. One day I hope u realize that that "evil"person u claim I was was not the real me and u will remember how great we were together in the beginning. One day...and when u do, I hope its not to late.

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Hey you. How’s it been? How’s life treating ya? Are you feeling good these days? So I haven’t talked to you in two months and that’s fine I guess. In a way I really am glad you finally respected my wishes and stopped calling. Well I guess I just wanted to write a little message because if I were honest I still have a lot of things I would like to say to you, lots of things being left unsaid does get kind of saddening in a way. I’ve been doing alright-better in the sense that my heart no longer feels heavy.


Oh baby.. I thought we were so good together. You were everything to me. I bloody adored every inch of you. Despite the way you treated me and everything that went wrong, despite that sick feeling in my gut that I had way too much of the time, I just couldn’t help loving you. I think you did know that right? Sometimes when my thoughts of you get intense, they start drifting back to last year and the year before and how things were. I scrunch up my face, close my eyes and can almost see you in front of me. But sadly, these memories are fading. Perhaps it’s a good thing? Maybe...? I really don’t know.


I no longer go through what had happened and rehash things or analyse about what could have been. I just accept that things are as they are, but it doesn’t help the fact that I still love you in many ways. It might not be of the same intensity, nor as penetrating, soul shaking as it was before, but it still exists. This I know is true.


I wonder if you still think about me? Silly question I know. I just. I still think about you everyday. =(

I know it’s been a year, and I know I dumped you, but these thoughts can’t seem to be able to leave my head for more than 12 hours unfortunately. I really didn’t want us to end. But I had to respect myself right? I didn’t deserve any bit of how you treated me.


Anyway. I do hope you grow as a person one day. I will always have you in the special section of my heart reserved just for you. My first love... I’ll never ever ever forget you.



Edited by lalalollipops
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i've said all i really have to say to you. you know exactly how i feel about you because i've told you so many times, in good times and bad. and even through all the terrible things you've done to me in the last year, i do still love you. but i don't think i could ever be with you again. not that i really expect that i'll ever get "that call." of course, i didn't really think i would after the last 2 times either. and i've heard all this before. you've told me how much you liked the other 2 d-bags...until you didn't or they didn't call you back after you slept with them and then slowly you came back.


it's different this time though. because it has to be. we've done this 3 times now and only been split up for like 4 months total. that's not happening this time, regardless. you've got a guy who seemingly is into you at least for now, although i suspect i know why. i'm sure at some point you'll get bossy or demanding or difficult because that's who you are. his best friend came into my store yesterday and i asked him if he knew anyone named mary and he said no. you're being used (again) and you prolly don't even see it (again). the worst part of all of this for me is just how different a person you are from the girl i truly fell deeply in love with. that girl is gone and i know that what i'm holding onto is something that doesn't exist and i keep hoping that it will come back or that i can fix you. but i don't think it will and i know i can't.


i know alot of people around here always say that they could never get back with an ex after they slept with someone else. that doesn't really bother me. it's not the sex that bothers me. i don't really think you view sex as anything but an activity anyway. you've told me as much. what bothers me is that you could lay in a bed with a man you've been with for 5 years (even if it's been off and on for the last year) and then sleep with another guy less than a week later. do you really think that little of yourself? you've always been conceited, but i think it's just a front. i know i shouldn't think of things like this cause it's basically just self-flagellation but do you even think of me when you're with him? do you think of how his hands feel different? do i really never cross your mind? is that even possible after 5 years?


the saddest part is that i've come so far recently. i know i have a long way to go yet, but i'm getting there. i've lost 70 lbs in 3 months. I've gotten a good job. i'll be signing my enlistment papers before the year is out and everything we wanted for ourselves is right there. it's coming. soon. and you don't care. i'll be gone completely in less than 4-5 months and i don't think it bothers you in the slightest. i wake up every morning at 6:30 AM, usually after a dream about you, and i can't get back to sleep. then i force myself to get up and get dressed and i fake being happy for the rest of the day and then the cycle repeats.


and i'm sure you sleep like a baby.

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I saw your "舅舅" today.


I'll have to say, he bears SO MUCH resemblance to your mother. I've yet to see a "舅舅" who looks so alike to his "sister" other than yours.


He's not short.


Does he still call you every half a second?

Edited by Snowy
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How is it that I'm always apologizing for your actions? How the heck am I supposed to know what it is you want when you often bring no closure to the table. You make me feel like I am bugging you, that you're bored. Then out of the blue you tell me just how much I'm on your mind. What?! So I'm at fault for allowing so much time to pass before we communicated again? I gave you your space because we need it and because that allows time for us to heal. What is it you want? Put in the effort, make up your mind because if you keep up these games, I won't even be able to be there as a friend. You have no idea what kind of toll you have taken on me in both my heart and mind. I continue to give you both when I'm confused as hell as to what is going on. We've broken up but it sure as hell doesn't sound like it with the things you say. How is it you manage to say something so bold, haunting and almost perfect at the most strange times? You stumble for months and out of the blue you say something that tugs at my heart and stuns me. Sometimes I hate your power, the way you take away my balance. I'm almost on a leash pulled by you. Stop hurting me and really think about what it is you want. I am no one's toy, I am no one's b-word. My equal is out there and I can only wait and hold onto you for so long.

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Up to your old tricks again, I see. You're not seeing Sweet P. anymore. Good for her for not being friendzoned when you said you didn't love her. Now you're trying to get me back in your bed and lying about everything. Seriously, why lie about a dentist appointment? You couldn't even be honest about that? You ARE a sociopath. Do you honestly think I believe you're going to back to the Midwest to see family? How stupid do you think I am? You're going to save the Breeding Queen from a life of poverty. She's looking for an free ride, moron. Wake up! Women don't have that many children by that many different men accidentally (and her oldest girl - . Thankfully, she doesn't have custody of the minors. I hope you see through her like the last guy did. At least he didn't marry her and got custody of the boy. There's hope for the little guy.

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I've been doing so well recently. I keep reminding myself that I'm doing all I can, that I can't change your mind, that even if I could, I wouldn't be ready to be with you. I keep telling myself that whatever powers that be will lead me to love again someday, whether that's with you or elsewhere. I say over and over again that you knew what you were risking when you ended things. I try so hard to live "as if never" - as if I'll never see you again. Even though you said it wasn't goodbye forever. Being with you wouldn't even be worth it if I had to try to hard to get you to want me. I think we could make it work. I'm doing everything in my power to become the kind of woman who can keep good love from going wrong. But it's only gonna happen with you again if you're willing to seek me out and try, and as much as I'd love you to, I can't control it. So I have to live as if it will never, ever happen.


Like I said, I've been doing good. I know today was a temporary setback. The idea of being with anyone else doesn't feel right, but I'm going to have to open up again someday. You're out with our friends - your friends now, really - and I keep trying to block you out of my head. I'm just focusing on what I have in my life, rather than what I don't. Time will heal me.


Tomorrow's a new day. I'll pick myself up and move forward. It's just that today hurt, and I wished you still cared enough to help me feel better. Still, I let go with love and trust that my own abilities and whatever powers that be will lead me to happiness and love again.

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