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Nynnja
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It has been 8 months and yet my heart still longs for you...why did you lie to me? why did u make me believe you were here to stay with me forever?

 

I hate you for leaving me, but at times, I hate myself more for not really hating you at all.

 

I love you. I still do. and it hurts til now...

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* * * !! I'm am really struggling today. If you only knew how weak I am you would see me crumble at your knees. I'm trying to be so strong right now. I can't stand that you feel this way and are so freaking stubborn. I shouldn't even feel the the way I am. I just wish I knew how you felt right now so I can be sure this is all for the better. I was doing so well before tonight until all our friends kept asking how you and i were. I keep telling myself to stay strong and I feel like I am for the most part. I just feel so empty right now.

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ohh goshhh.

I'm still smiling the fact you couldn't get with this girl. don't know why, i know you are hitting on other tramps, but the fact a NICE, SWEET, EDUCATED, girl did not want you. She saw what i saw, makes me smile. : D all you will ever date like your ex before me, trash. Women who just want to use and fck you. Or maybe that's what happened you had sex... and she realize how tiny you be. ;] Ohh the list is so endless. But i am still happy!

I hope this burns into your skull and mind. Good luckkk.

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I hate how we have such similar hobbies and tastes in things. Must I avoid all the places I enjoy now because I might see you?!

I feel like I can't enjoy those things as much anymore, because it reminds me oh so very much of you and how Sh***y of a

boyfriend you were! You didn't take me out on enough dates. If I had never asked, we would have never even been a couple.

What a big F-----! waste of my time. I squandered an entire year and a half of my life just to please you and woo you and make

you mine when you were never mine to begin with! And you never reciprocated the feelings. Or if you did, you didn't do it well enough.

You're always holding back, hiding yourself, you coward!

 

As of today, I will become some new. Someone completely different who will no longer allow you to have such power over.

I will no longer care about you. I will no longer love you. I will no longer be in love with you. I will no longer have any

attachments whatsoever to you. I won't let any more thoughts of you being with someone new kill me. In fact, I hope

whoever you end up with after me breaks your heart into so many pieces you can't piece them back together.

 

In fact, I've decided, I will go to the places I enjoy going to. I'm not going to let your mere presence stop me from

enjoying myself. If I end up seeing you there, I will treat you like you don't exist.

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I will survive. I am moving forward with my life. I am moving on. I am getting stronger. I will be happy sooner or later. It's killing me inside so much how I don't know how you're doing and that you haven't called....why do I even bother counting days when it will just drive me crazier?! I'm surprised I even kept to my promise to myself to not look at your facebook and twitter comments. New promise: Stop counting the days you stopped talking to me. Stop counting how many days that I have been single and away from you!!! I was crazy enough to go back and read all our emails and it reminded me of why I fell in love with you in the first place. Almost made me want to call you. Then I had to remember, you haven't even called me at all despite wanting to get back together.

 

And then I also realized, I was so happy, sounded so happy in those emails and towards the middle and end of the relationship, I was no longer the happy woman

you claimed to love. I became someone I didn't like: someone insecure, jealous, negative and so bitter because you wouldn't stop your selfish behaviors with your exes and female friends! *sigh* Well this is my punishment for dating a disgusting womanizer. I will stick to my rules more strictly from now on in order to save myself the heartache of being with men like you.

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I'm going to miss you. The only thing I can do now is hope for the happiness we both are trying to seek in life. I wish you luck in your future endeavors. And that maybe one day our paths do cross again. I will budge through all this pain I have inside. The new me is ready to take on the world!!

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I don't understand how you profess to love me, tell me that the happiest you've ever been is with me, that noone has ever cared for you like I did, yet you still seek solace and affection in the direction of another man.

 

What did I ever do wrong. Why couldn't you be honest with me. Why couldn't you just tell me instead of letting me do all those things for so long, and only leaving me once I stopped being useful.

 

WHY CANT I BE ANGRY WITH YOU OR THINK BADLY OF YOU, EVEN AFTER ALL THIS

 

I want you back, back in my life, back in my arms.

 

I wish I'd never met you.

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So August 2nd will be 2 months since that talk we had, I'm wondering if I will ever hear from you again. Probably not after the ass I made of myself. 2 months complete NC. As much as I had gone with out talking to you a lot the last 7 months, I have to say I never have gone this long with out so much as a text. It hurts my heart a bit. We were very LC for months, but there were always some sort of limited communication, you would always text me randomly, break it some how, just pop up unexpected to say 'hi'. This- complete silence for 2 months....never done this. Maybe it should have been done A LONG time ago. I think the longest we went was a month and a half. Then one random text conversation, then another month and a half. I guess it's not MUCH different. But now for some reason I feel like you hate me? I don't know why....I feel like I made such a big fool of myself after memorial day. After seeing you with her. The things I said....I came off the the most desperate pathetic girl ever. I was a little out of it that day, damn anxiety meds I had to take to get through the week! I NEVER would have said half that stuff to you had I not been under their influence UGH.

 

But what's done is done. The past is the past. These days I just feel SO jaded. I hate that. I hate that I need attention from guys these days to define my self worth. That was NEVER me. That was always YOU! YOU were the type of person who needed the attention from girls, I wasn't like that! Now? Now I don't care where the affection is coming from, as long as I'm getting some attention. I'm uneasy and scared for the choices I may make, but I just feel like I don't have anything else, why not? What's the harm in hooking up? It's just sex. Sex is meaningless and means nothing. Love? It doesn't exist. I don't want it- I want to not feel. GOSH I am such a mess these days. I hate this new me. But at least she doesn't feel. Its better then feeling the pain I felt. I still feel it, but it's not as bad.

 

I wonder who your with now. I'm sure there is some girl in the picture, that's why you don't want me- again. It's alright. I'll be fine. My goal? NC forever....I doubt you'll say anything to me EVER again, so this should be easy to keep on my part....it really does hurt though. It hurts a lot....

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I see your game, and it's pissing me off.

Seriously. How dare you play all these damn mental games? I KNOW YOU ARE PLAYING THEM.

Hell, i have asked several non-bias people! And they all say the same thing, YOU ARE MESSING WITH ME.

Why Alberto? Why? Do you know i am so weak still that I care? Seriously. You never did this to your other exes, so why bother me?

I did not break NC. You started blocking me on facebook since March. And suddenly "FRIENDS YOU MAY KNOW" your name appears. Why did you unblock me AGAIN? You forever do that. Unblock, then block, unblock, then block.

I know i should block you, but i don't want to. Because i will just unblock you anyways. But you seem not to be strong enough either. I wonder... do you ever think of me?

I don't hate you. I don't anything you.

But i won't take your bait. What would be the point? To make me look stalkish and pathetic? I want whatever left of my pride.

ALSO! I have no idea if you do this on purpose, but when i go on break and it's time for you to leave... why do you stay around until i come back from break? Why don't you just go home? It's like you want me to say good bye...

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Ugh! You know what is driving me insane and partially stopping me from moving forward?!

Your dumb @$$ can't even get the guts to tell me how you truly feel! You can't even tell me

to my face that you've finally given up. You're just being a huge jerk stringing me along!

It would be so much easier if you told me you found someone new or that you didn't love me anymore.

I hate wanting you, I hate missing you, I hate loving you. You're the most disgusting human

being I've ever dated and I can't believe I still have such strong feelings for you.

 

I should just unplug my phone or change the number so that every day I'm not waiting in panic

by the phone, wondering if it's you every time the goddamn phone rings. Or wondering if you will

send me an email every time I check my freaking inbox! Stop being such a wuss and tell me how

you really feel so that I can move on, damn it!

 

I've been reading so much lately since our break up in order to make myself better for myself.

And every thing I've read confirms what I already knew: that our relationship was already

done and over with, even when I was still living with you. You keep telling me one thing yet

you do another. I should've listened more closely. It's men like you that make me want

to avoid romantic relationships altogether. I hardly doubt any guy will be missing out on much

if I do decide to go through with my decision and join the monastery. At least I will be bettering myself

and living a happier life than you, since you never change and you don't even care about others feelings.

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Your birthday coming up, big load of unistress....and all i can think of is wether i should send you a happy bday text or not. I want to skip the next 2 weeks so that I am free to actually work out the last 8 month...it´s really hard to function atm...so i really wonder if I am doing the right decision to stay NC...but I dont even got the time to think about it, plus it won´t help me if you just give a short friendly response or no response...it just feels like I don´t know anything atm, despite that I after all still love you! I don´t even know if you care at all....well you didn´t send me anything for my bday so maybe not, maybe you were just accepting my wish of NC. I wonder wether you show up to that skypedate after 3 month of NC. It´s awesome that both your birthday and this "date" are just 1 week before i hand in my thesis at uni and all I can really do to handle all this is and not f*ck my studies up is to push all emotions/feeling in front of me and they keep on crushing into me like a boat that hits the waves in stormy weather.2 more weeks to handle the waves, then this old rusty boat is ready to let all the emotions crush over it and tear it down. I really do miss you.

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I gave you everything I had to give, treated you like a Queen and you spit in my face, again and again.

 

You're everything I could want in a girl but you're also a coward, a child and have serious mental issues you'll never work on. You told me you left me to work on yourself but instead you jumped into another situation where you are pined after and everything is A-OK as long as you can control who you can and can't see, huh?

 

I can't ever be with you again because you'll just do this to me over and over and I can't ever be your friend because I care too deeply to see you suffer unnecessarily when you need to take a deep, hard look in the mirror.

 

I deserve to be treated better. I thought you respected me, but you acted in the contrary. You're not worth my time and I can't wait til my heart actually believes so.

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I have a nagging feeling that you already have another girl lined up...

It's only been three days...Can't you atleast wait? You clearly have issues to sort out and instead of facing the pain, you jump into another relationship?

 

Well I have to say, you downgraded. Not to mention you say that she is apparently asexual. UHH, how the hell will she be able to satisfy your needs? Lol. Oh god. I have a feeling she is a pushover and will succumb to all of your demands. No one else needs to brush that ego of yours...You already convinced her to start putting on make-up and she ACCEPTED...Wow okay. I suppose you pick on the girls who have very little spine.

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Dear Ex,

 

so you now have a boyfriend and you are really happy. you did not tell me anything for months and that hurts. though we parted one year ago, you broke my NC almost everyday and i could not refuse talking to you. i was hoping for you to change your mind but instead you have been dating for months. i feel really betrayed to the point that i am now clinically depressed and i have been under medication and counseling for one whole year. i hate you for having done that. i helped you and you admitted that i was the person who helped you the most and had the greatest impact in your life yet you are with that other guy. i helped you through work problems, personal problems, financial problems, i have been there any time you called and i supported unflinchingly you all the time and you now tell me you have a boyfriend and you would have never told me if i did not insist. let me tell you that you have HURT me SO MUCH and this thing is stuck in me. how i wish you could feel my pain and hurt for just one minute and you will realize the immense hurt you caused me. you gained everything, happiness, a boyfriend etc. I lost everything, i lost one whole year waiting for you, i lost my exuberance for life having to consult a psychologist and a psychiatrist, i lost opportunities at work because i wanted to stay near to you, i lost all colleague friends that you did not like and whom i also now am not in good terms, i lost my family's esteem, i lost my time and all my energy. Remember that for the last year i did everything for you, anything you needed you received it and now you tell me it's all over. you tell me that you want me to be happy as much as you are, but how can i be happy when you took everything from me. you told me that you will now get out of my life so that i can move on, so now you are patronizing me. i cant go to work right now because i will see you happy and laughing again while i will depressed. i will never be able to forgive you, never because you caused me so much hurt and now i have to go through this hurt and pain for i dont know long while you will be happily dating your bf. how can you do that to me after all that i have done for you? just to let you know YOU HAVE HURT ME SO MUCH AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, NEVER.

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Dear former lover,

 

You are a good man, and you have a heart of gold. Never forget that. I understand why this was necessary, and if I'm honest, it was what we both needed. Neither of us were healing; we had become toxic, and all the places where our dysfunctional childhoods left us broken were showing through. We were young and scared and neither of us were ready for the kind of intensity we had. But we couldn't have been anything less. What we had was well before our time; we hadn't the skills or maturity to make it work. But at least we tried. And my God, what a beautiful try. Even in all the mess - all the hurt and anger - I have always admired that tenderness and goodness in you.

 

When you left, I hit rock bottom. I woke up and realized that I couldn't keep being that person anymore. In three months, I've made more progress than I'd made in 7 years of trying. I feel like a totally new person, and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Every day, I get stronger, a little more whole. The anxiety and depression are finally gone - gone! - after more than a decade of suffering. Every day, I wake up and thank whatever forces that be that I've finally found myself.

 

I still miss you sometimes. The nerf swordfights, the way your eyes would tear up when you were embarrassed, the times you'd sing me to sleep, the wedding bands we'd picked out, talking about zombies until 3 in the morning... But I know those people - the old you and I - are gone. You don't want me, and I deserve someone who does. It doesn't hurt anymore, which surprises me. I thought the pain would never stop. Sometimes, I wish it still hurt, just so I felt like there was something left to hold on to. But love isn't holding on. Fear is holding on. Love is letting go, and leaving a window open in your heart. If you want to, you're always welcome here. But I'm not going to keep looking to see if you're coming home.

 

With all these changes, sometimes I want to run to you and say "see? I did it!" I want you to see how much I've healed. But my life is my own now; it is not interwoven with yours. We had to part ways to become the people we deserve to be. When you left, you said this wasn't goodbye forever. I sincerely hope it's not. I still have more healing to do. You left the burden of contact on my hands, and I won't contact you until I'm the woman I want to be. And I won't contact you until I know I'm capable of being the best friend, lover, partner, person I can to you. Even if all we ever say to each other again is "hello." I won't invite you back into my life until I know I'm capable of treating you right. You deserve it. We both do.

 

I don't think about what you're doing; it would only serve to make me crazy. I hope that you're becoming the person you wanted to be. I'll admit that I do still hope you miss me. We were nearly married, for chrissake. I'm a firm believer in the flow of the universe - wasn't it you who said our meeting was fate? - and so I believe that good things will come my way again. Until then, I'm going to keep healing and growing until the person I am underneath shines through. There's a lot of beauty and power in me that I couldn't see for such a long time. I deserve to be me, finally, in all my brightness and intensity. Thank you for helping me heal. Even though it devastated me when you left, I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for you.

 

Remember, there's a window open. Hopefully, you'll see me shining inside someday and stop by.

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Words cannot describe all these conflicting emotions I feel. I do know I feel hurt and angry.

 

I have decided to join the monastery and better myself. Should you think to visit me by the end of summer like you claimed (though I am doubtful

since you have kept quiet since we last met), it would be of no use to you, for I will not be at home waiting for your arrival. Do not look for me.

Do not wait for my return. Do not contact me ever again, for I am moving forward with my life without you. And I see from your facebook posts

that you have moved on as well, to the next woman perhaps? Your flirty message disgusts me and there will surely no be reconciliation after

reading what you posted to another one of your disgusting female friends.

 

Yes I know, I caved in today and broke down and looked. Which made me break down even worse. It made me realized that I am not over

the pain but I am slowly getting there, so long as I continue to try to not look at your facebook posts and move forward with my life without you.

I feel more and more alive each day that I focus on taking care of myself and I don't look at your disgusting messages you post to your disgusting female friends.

So much for you saying your heart is always with me!

 

I will gracefully accept that this is who you are, you are forever a womanizer. I accept it and will forward. I will no longer dwell on the past. I will no longer

dwell on you. Good bye and may we never meet again...

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Hey I haven't posted here for a LONG time.

 

Just going to say...I just finished watching a drama and the end got me thinking of the memories we've had.

 

I don't know if it was those memories or the drama which made my eyes water a little.

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I knew you had been considering making plans to go out drinking with the new guy after your graduation last night, then I read on facebook this morning that you're hungover, so you obviously went somewhere. I can't help thihnking if it was with him. I shouldn't care. You were bad for me, you were right about that, but I just want you back in my life.

 

Why do you have to be so god damned loveable?

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Please please learn something from this relationship. I know that you've been blind to your ways for a very long time, and so have I. I seriously hope you work on yourself and become a better person. I don't think it's fair to shift all the blame on me and hold me responsible for the downfall of this relationship...Obviously I've harboured alot of negative feelings towards you. If only you weren't so manipulative, I would have been able to come out and confront you about them more...Please don't carry on like this.

 

If only I had time to think to myself about this before. It's irritating how it took the breakup to actually reflect on your toxic ways. If only I could see earlier and be less in denial about it. Either way, you were opposed to any kind of disagreement I had with you.. I feel as though you live for conflict. If only I could just bring this all to your attention...but there will be no doing that.

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I go back to December all the time. Worst song in the world. I hate it. I hate how I just listened to it and bawled my eyes out. That song pretty much defines me. December, it was our month. When I think of December I think of you. I wish that month could be erased. When I used to hear that song I would always go to December 2009. The month we came to be, how special it was....but now? Now I go to December of last year. How everything fell apart for us. I would give anything ANYTHING to go back to December 2010. I would change so much, I hope you know that. I would have been up front about how I felt, I wouldn't have played those mind games, because I did. I know I did. I know I'm to blame partially for pushing you away and right to someone else. I can see that now. If I could go back to December 9th 2010, in a heart beat I would. You called me that night, I broke NC. You wanted me, wanted us again. If I could freeze time and know what I know now I would have done everything I could to get us back on track. I messed up. I did.

 

I'm so broken right now I don't even know why. My heart hurts and all I want to do is listen to sad songs that make me feel worse. I bet your doing great, you probably already have someone else- on to girl number 2 after me while I'm still stuck in last year. I can't let go of you damn it! And I dreamed of you last night, it was SO vivid. The most vivid dream I've had of you in a LONG time. I was at your house, for some reason things were no good, you were treating me badly, cold to me. I called one of my friends- who I'm not even that good of friends with who lives close to you and vented. Some how what I said to her got out and your family found out. You were so bad at me for that, that your family heard this stuff. Your mom was SO angry with me. It didn't even make sense. I was standing in your living room on the phone with your mom and she was just screaming at me. I felt awful. You wouldn't even look my way, you were sitting in the car outside, you wouldn't come in and talk to me. I felt horrible. I don't understand ANY of it. It made no sense. I guess maybe in the back of my mind I feel like you hate me- I don't know why. Feel like you want nothing to do with me because of the things I said to you last time we spoke.

 

I feel so terrible about everything. I wish I could rewind my life to a time when you were still in it. I miss you so much these days. You never know how much you miss someone until they are gone. I feel like I'm loosing my mind!!

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